All Joy and No Fun; Why parents hate parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

AdequateParent wrote:Two other hypotheses to throw into the mix:

(1) Many people who wait until they are older have built a life around their careers, and have set standards for "meaningful" and "productive" that are based upon what they had in the work world.

(2) Some people (me!) who waited to have children did so because they were never sure about whether to have children at all. If you've never romanticized having a baby and never believed that life without one would be incomplete, the dull and taxing times could be worse for you.

I notice that articles like this seem to focus on parenting very small children and I think that it's a mistake. Someone who feels cagey and depressed about being alone with their infant all day could be a joyous parent of an elementary school child. Considering that our kids will go through K-12 and then maybe college on our dime and with our guidance, that focus seems to be skewed.

Yes. DH and I fall into the #2 category. I totally saw a life without kids. I used to patrol the 'childfree by choice' websites. People were amazed we felt this way--esp because I really liked kids. I just didn't want one of my own for the longest time. We used to think of every worst case scenario...I used to say 'sometimes you just get a lemon' or "you can't give them back like you could a puppy', etc. After 7 years of marriage I changed my tune and really started wanting my own kids---BUT I knew it could be hellish at times. It was being able to accept the good, the bad and the ugly that pushed me over the edge. The idea that I could still love "the lemon". The crazy part was how much I completely underestimated how wonderful it could be. I now have 2 and loving every minute of it! I even find the 2.5 year old temper tantrums adorable.

I think there is a whole group of parents out there (of all ages) that never really thought through the concept of having kids. They had children because their parents expected it, society expected it, their partner expected it, they couldn't think outside of the box, they had an accident, etc. There are also the people thatchose to have kids solely out of the "fear of regret" later in life. Perhaps--if these ppl analzyed it they may have come to the decisionbeiing a parent wasn't for them. I am of the belief that no good decision comes out of avodiding 'future regrets'--whether it be marriage, kids, etc. There should be no settling.

Oh-- I 'd also like to add that over those 7 years did I endure a litany of inquiries, insults, outrage from co-workers, colleagues, strangers..about why DH and I had no kids. My own family had the common sense never to ask. The funny thing is when I announced my first pregnancy my brother blurted out "we thought X was shooting blanks'.. Good lord!

I had women telling me I should not wait too long. They questioned what was wrong with me. I had a co-worker tell me to my face that people that chose not to have kids were selfish, etc. The big one was people really telling me I was setting myself up for infertility or a child with disabilites by waiting...and I go married at 28!!! None of those things I felt could over-ride my decision to wait until DH and I were BOTH ready to bring a child into the world. I seriously felt...if it wasn't meant to be and I waited too long...then so be it. There is no way in h*ll I'd consider doing it before we were ready. Ironically, I got pregnant on the first try with both kids and had easy, healthful pregnancies....meanwhile a couple of the people urging me to start early are now divorced, etc.

[Anonymous]

"Although, we've already taken DC (2 yo) to Thailand to visit family and even though she won't remember it, she did get something out of it while we were there "

How do you know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will urge my DDs not to have kids. There is no good time to do so and no good age. Having kids as a woman pretty much guarantees you will not reach Rice or Sotomayor level on your own. You find out that you are the indentured servants of little ones whiles DH is not. I told a 30yo professional woman who has been with her husband for 10 years and is considering kids that she should do everything she wants to do now because after the kids are born she will disappear.

If women told each other the truth our species would not continue. I am at the point where I do not want to watch a movie in which a child plays a big role or read a novel in which child characters feature prominently. When my friends bring up kids I change the subject. Who talks about their prison all the time?

LMAOF! True piece of work. Here's food for thought: let your child have a mind of her own. Maybe she has no frickin' desire to be the next "Rice or Sotomayor". Maybe she wants to be a SAHM or a govt worker with flex hours. Stop burdening your children with your own failures and regrets. Let them set their own course in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Although, we've already taken DC (2 yo) to Thailand to visit family and even though she won't remember it, she did get something out of it while we were there

That's cool, I am glad she enjoyed it while she was there. We would love to take DS on trips like that, but he is only 15 months and is so incredibly miserable on airplanes, so I guess we need to wait a bit longer.

No, you just need to start taking him. He (and you) will learn how to do it, that's how it gets easier.

-- Mother of 2 frequent flyers (Europe, Asia, and Middle East)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will urge my DDs not to have kids. There is no good time to do so and no good age. Having kids as a woman pretty much guarantees you will not reach Rice or Sotomayor level on your own. You find out that you are the indentured servants of little ones whiles DH is not. I told a 30yo professional woman who has been with her husband for 10 years and is considering kids that she should do everything she wants to do now because after the kids are born she will disappear.

If women told each other the truth our species would not continue. I am at the point where I do not want to watch a movie in which a child plays a big role or read a novel in which child characters feature prominently. When my friends bring up kids I change the subject. Who talks about their prison all the time?

If you are so anti-child centered things, what are you doing on DCUM?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

But we fully intend on dragging our kids everywhere with us so having kids is not going to stop us from doing things!

I'm not the eye roll person, but I assume it might be because upon first reading this, I envisoned some tired cranky baby in a bjorn being dragged on an adventure vacation. I know really you mean "drag" them when they are ready to go and get something out of it, but upon first read, the other image came up.

Funny. I imagined 6-14 year olds who were incredibly excited to go see interesting places and have new adventures.

For example, our friends just got back from an incredible trip to Peru with their 6 and 8 year old sons. It was so great to hear the kids describe what they saw and how much fun they had. Lucky them!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will urge my DDs not to have kids. There is no good time to do so and no good age. Having kids as a woman pretty much guarantees you will not reach Rice or Sotomayor level on your own. You find out that you are the indentured servants of little ones whiles DH is not. I told a 30yo professional woman who has been with her husband for 10 years and is considering kids that she should do everything she wants to do now because after the kids are born she will disappear.

If women told each other the truth our species would not continue. I am at the point where I do not want to watch a movie in which a child plays a big role or read a novel in which child characters feature prominently. When my friends bring up kids I change the subject. Who talks about their prison all the time?

LMAOF! True piece of work. Here's food for thought: let your child have a mind of her own. Maybe she has no frickin' desire to be the next "Rice or Sotomayor". Maybe she wants to be a SAHM or a govt worker with flex hours. Stop burdening your children with your own failures and regrets. Let them set their own course in life.

Thank you for putting this into words.

[Anonymous]

I don't hate parenting - sure, there are moments that are more fun than others, but I really love being my daughter's mother.

What I do hate is the constant barrage of criticism leveled against parents these days. Are you breastfeeding? Better not do it in public lest you offend someone, and make sure you breastfeed long enough but not so long that others need to let you know it's become creepy. Formula feeding? Why not just give the baby a Red Bull, you neglectful beast? There is someone out there ready to criticize every move parents make, and I think it takes a lot of the joy and fun out of parenting. True, the confident parent lets comments like these slide, but...they're everywhere, and it gets old so fast.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Although, we've already taken DC (2 yo) to Thailand to visit family and even though she won't remember it, she did get something out of it while we were there "

How do you know?

Because she had a GREAT time! She loved being around her grandparents, loved going out and doing things everyday, loved the food, the people, riding in the back pack carrier, being with her great aunts and uncles and she STILL talks about the beach we went to while we were there whenever I open my computer (I have a photo of the beach as my desk top - just the beach, no people) and it's been almost a year since that trip. I used a straw bag that I got there as a beach bag and she found some random basket of my MIL's and is calling it HER beach bag, packs it up with "stuff" and says she's going to the beach. She knows what a market is, knows what a temple is (Thai temple anyways. . .) who Buddha is and can recognize him in a statue or painting. She talks about wanting to go on an airplane all the time. So yes, I'm pretty sure she has gained a few things from the experience.

I realize not all kids are great travelers, and our next one might be a terrible traveler, but I think she was great and I would do it again tomorrow if we had the time, money, etc.

[Anonymous]

"Interesting read. How many of us who had children later in life agree about the bit that says we are less happy once we have kids because we gave up more to have them? "

Does seems to be a trend among the graying hags and balding windbags I know who became parents later in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Although, we've already taken DC (2 yo) to Thailand to visit family and even though she won't remember it, she did get something out of it while we were there "

How do you know?

Because she had a GREAT time! She loved being around her grandparents, loved going out and doing things everyday, loved the food, the people, riding in the back pack carrier, being with her great aunts and uncles and she STILL talks about the beach we went to while we were there whenever I open my computer (I have a photo of the beach as my desk top - just the beach, no people) and it's been almost a year since that trip. I used a straw bag that I got there as a beach bag and she found some random basket of my MIL's and is calling it HER beach bag, packs it up with "stuff" and says she's going to the beach. She knows what a market is, knows what a temple is (Thai temple anyways. . .) who Buddha is and can recognize him in a statue or painting. She talks about wanting to go on an airplane all the time. So yes, I'm pretty sure she has gained a few things from the experience.

I realize not all kids are great travelers, and our next one might be a terrible traveler, but I think she was great and I would do it again tomorrow if we had the time, money, etc.

That's great. Sincerely. But, a 2 yo can have a great time just about anywhere. Everything is still so new to them

We plan to start traveling with our DD overseas soon. We saw no reason to do it before now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can see how having a child when you're young-early 20's *could* make you more resentful because you haven't had a chance to live yet. But on the other hand, what if you don't know what you're missing? My friends from high school all married and had kids young - my best friend had her first at 19. None of them had any desire to travel and going to college was an opportunity to meet a husband-sick, I know. I went to high school in a small conservative town and that was the "normal" thing to do. Everyone thought I was nuts to move to Chicago at 18 by myself to go to *gasp* ART SCHOOL!

I am a relatively young mom compared to people in this area - 31 with a 3 yo and one on the way. But I traveled, went to grad school, worked, etc. before having kids so I'm pretty content with where I am. My only regret is not taking 3 months to backpack around the world first But we fully intend on dragging our kids everywhere with us so having kids is not going to stop us from doing things!

Classic.

Sounds like you were the smart kid from the middle of nowhere in the midwest. Went to kollege. Travel while the children are young since they will have lives and events and specific school breaks.

[Anonymous]

But we fully intend on dragging our kids everywhere with us so having kids is not going to stop us from doing things!


Classic.




Sounds like you were the smart kid from the middle of nowhere in the midwest. Went to kollege. Travel while the children are young since they will have lives and events and specific school breaks.

See, this is what I never understand. Why the swipe at the Midwest? Who are you even talking to --the one who drags her kids everywhere or the one who rolls her eyes at the prospect of paying $200 for a nice meal out in NYC only to have the mood altered by the babbling, then yelling 2 yr old at the next table?

Sounds like you're the unhappy hag from the sofistikated suburbs of Philly (Cherry Hill maybe?) or possibly Westchester.

[Anonymous]

"Sounds like you were the smart kid from the middle of nowhere in the midwest. "

Where do you get the "smart kid" from? Or the "middle of nowhere in the midwest"?

[Anonymous]

I just wanted to say: I have SO much fun with my kids. We are older, 43 and 44 with a 4 yr old and a 2 yr old. I would like to think you would not guess my age if you saw me. I feel certain if you saw me dancing to the Grateful Dead in my kitchen with a crazy hat on laughing my heads off with my kids you would never guess my age. The most fun I have parenting is in those small spots in time between the schedule and the to-do list's when we are just hanging out. Our kids make me laugh. I make them laugh. It's fun. It's also hard. And we are strict, we are not doing the "we're best friends" thing...we are clearly the parents, but good lord, it's fun to be silly, and I'm proud to report we do it at least once a day. I'm also a neurologist, and I will admit to being mortified running into patients or colleagues when we are out and I'm laughing away or doing silly dances in the Wegman aisles with my kids....yup, that was me. C'est la vie. Life is short. So yup, having kids increased the purpose of my life, but it actually added a different kind of fun as well.