All Joy and No Fun; Why parents hate parenting.

[Anonymous]

Interesting read. How many of us who had children later in life agree about the bit that says we are less happy once we have kids because we gave up more to have them?

http://nymag.com/news/features/67024/


I'm less happy because DH has became more selfish & lazy since we became parents.

Ditto!

I am unhappy because of what DH has become since parenthood, not because I miss Me Time. Like other PPs, I had 20 years to travel and endurance train and drink myself stupid and work to the top of my field. I don't miss that part. I just want to strangle DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was 39 when I had my child, and I don't fit this article at all. I absolutely love being a mom, even when it's hard. That isn't to say I'm super-thrilled right when my kid is mashing cheese and grape juice into the sofa. I have my melt downs and get frustrated. But overall, I'm really loving it.

I thought it was actually "easier" for me to be a mom and deal with all the sacrifice of personal time that it entails because I "was" older --I had had 20 years to party and travel and care only about myself and whatever dysfunctional boyfriend I may have had at the time.

Totally agree!!! I had DS at 39 also. Before that I traveled extensively, ran marathons, went on a safari, etc. I'd "been there, done that" already by the time I became a parent. I don't feel like I've missed out on anything in life. I've been through some really rough times too so I've learned to not sweat the small stuff now. It's made me a much more relaxed and less tense parent then I would have been in my 20's.

11:15 here. Problems started when DD had a dysfunctional BF.

[Anonymous]

1) My life is much richer and more profound now that I have a child.
2) The first months with a colicky baby were the hardest of my life. I was depressed.
3) DH did not help matters.
4) As baby outgrew colic, developed an amazing personality, and DH became more of an involved father, I have become happier.
5) I am happier now than when I was in my 20s (in my late 30s now.)

[Anonymous]

I am really glad that I had DS and adore him. That being said, it has been harder than I anticipated, and I have realized that it would not be a good idea for me to have more children. When DS gets older, hopefully we can do some of the things I always wanted to do (travel etc.) together.

[Anonymous]

I think this almost final ppg in the article sums it up for me:
But for many of us, purpose is happiness—particularly those of us who find moment-to-moment happiness a bit elusive to begin with. Martin Seligman, the positive-psychology pioneer who is, famously, not a natural optimist, has always taken the view that happiness is best defined in the ancient Greek sense: leading a productive, purposeful life. And the way we take stock of that life, in the end, isn’t by how much fun we had, but what we did with it. (Seligman has seven children.)

While there are many more annoying daily things that happen now that I have children, I am much more profoundly satisfied than I was at age 36 and childless. I wouldn't have said that earlier in life, but by the time I got to my mid-thirties, I felt I'd had all the parties and travel I "needed." I reached the stage where I felt like my (perfectly fine) life was like being on a hamster wheel - ultimately purposeless. Seeking fun was no longer fun for me because the thrill of it has worn off. I knew I wanted a family so that I would lead a purposeful life. My sister, on the other hand, has found a purposeful life without children, and that's great for her. She has a very full life, more than I ever had before kids. I know myself, however, and I would never have reached the level of satisfaction she has without a family.

[Anonymous]

are you sure? did you talk to your sister about this? or just project/assume?

[Anonymous]

And, furthermore, just be careful swearing off the fun. You never know when you might have a midlife crisis and a friend may try to tell you stay the course but you won't be able to see the course until you've run over the friend and cheated on your wife.

[Anonymous]

um, yes. My sister and are very close, and we talk about the choice to have kids all the time - mostly b/c I spent a lot of time encouraging her to do it. Why would you assume otherwise?

[Anonymous]

Must be something about the anonymous posting habit, I guess.

[Anonymous]

I am actually *more* happy because I don't feel I missed anything by waiting until 35 to give birth to first child (one month shy of 38 for 2nd). I was married 7 years, lived abroad, took a year sabbatical with DH, went to some of the world's famous parties--love parade, oktoberfest, tomato fest, ran with the bulls, etc...

I was ready for kids when we made the active decision to have them. I now prefer to spend time with them vs clubbing or nights out. We have a huge network of friends that were on our schedule and now most of the get togethers are with kids in tow....kids playing in basement; parents enjoying company upstairs.

I read that NY article awhile back and thought the majority were a bunch of selfish whiners.

[Anonymous]

I have a FB friend who has 8 kids (she's 30 or 31) and she has posted on numerous occasions that she is unhappy with her life, hinting that she'd like to travel, etc. and wants MORE than just to raise kids. A fine example of why you shouldn't 1.) have EIGHT kids! 2.) start having them at 20.

[Anonymous]

I do agree that choosing to have children mid-career (in my thirties) means that I didn't miss out on travel and fun in my twenties. However, I think that waiting until my thirties has meant that I'm much more intense and educated about my parenting, and have a strong desire to do everything in a "perfect" way (which is impossible). I obsess over every detail of my 6 month olds life. This intensity - which may just be my own postpartum anxiety issue- is what makes parenthood less fun for me.

IMO, I think if I had children younger and in a more relexed way, I might be more able to go with the flow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Interesting read. How many of us who had children later in life agree about the bit that says we are less happy once we have kids because we gave up more to have them?

http://nymag.com/news/features/67024/

I don't agree at all. We'd done everything we wanted to before having a child. That seems like one of the great gifts of being an older first-time parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can see how having a child when you're young-early 20's *could* make you more resentful because you haven't had a chance to live yet. But on the other hand, what if you don't know what you're missing? My friends from high school all married and had kids young - my best friend had her first at 19. None of them had any desire to travel and going to college was an opportunity to meet a husband-sick, I know. I went to high school in a small conservative town and that was the "normal" thing to do. Everyone thought I was nuts to move to Chicago at 18 by myself to go to *gasp* ART SCHOOL!

I am a relatively young mom compared to people in this area - 31 with a 3 yo and one on the way. But I traveled, went to grad school, worked, etc. before having kids so I'm pretty content with where I am. My only regret is not taking 3 months to backpack around the world first But we fully intend on dragging our kids everywhere with us so having kids is not going to stop us from doing things!

Classic.

[Anonymous]

One thing that I've noticed as a sort of trend among women who got married and had kids on the young side and are now divorced single moms at a time when other women are just starting to get married and have kids is that they are all about reclaiming their youths. 35 is the new 19!! Let's go ride a mechanical bull!

While I cringe when I read "I feel sorry for your kid" posts on here, I can't help but feel bad for the kids of these new 19 year old mechanical bull riders who are all of a sudden hurrying up to do all the stuff they missed.