She’s not allowed to just keep popping in and out of our lives

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think people are being unreasonably harsh. Imagine you have a friend who isn’t there for anything other than fun. Is that truly a friend? It sounds self-serving, and that’s not what friend OR family are. Why does this grandma get a pass, “because she raised her kids already”? This gives her the privilege of not showing up and then expecting to be catered to on her terms? I understand OPs frustration.

It's not grandmas responsibility to be there for random dinners. She's not a parent. She raised her kids. She has the right to enjoy her life and her friends and not be at ops beck and call

I agree. But it’s also not her right to be there at Christmas or Halloween, and that’s the issue, because shes acting like it is.

So tell her Christmas doesn’t work, but she can come over on the 26th. Tell her Halloween doesn’t work, but she can come over the following weekend. Or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As long as she doesn’t pretend and gaslight and act all “oh I hardly ever see you” or “why wasn’t I invited to Billy’s concert” then it’s fine. It’s her life, her time, and her choice. As long as she doesn’t act wounded or play pretend, then she can be Holiday Grandma, and whatever.

Did you like, even read the post?

[Anonymous]

The issue is that she tries to make OP feel like Op ignores her and never asks her to be a part of the family when she does show up for the holidays. If she just came to Thanksgiving and was gracious and didn’t act like a victim who was excluded from other things like regular dinners, non-holiday events, OP wouldn’t be as angry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom, local at only 20 minutes away, is the type of mom/grandma who can’t seem to find the time to get together until it’s a major holiday or birthday. We invite her to things all year long and she will decline, claiming she’s too busy with this or that thing, or will accept and then cancel, claiming something came up. But then the second it’s someone’s birthday or a holiday, suddenly she’s champing at the bit to see us, playing the victim and acting like we’ve been avoiding her. It’s infuriating. I’m so sick of it.

It’s DS birthday next Friday and while I haven’t heard from her yet—and haven't seen her in about nine weeks; she’s cancelled the last three times—I have a feeling I will inquiry from her by the end of the week in regards to DS birthday. I have no clue what to do. She doesn’t get to just pop in and out for the fun things where she can shower them with gifts and pretend to be this perfect, present grandma. It doesn’t work that way. But I don’t know how to tell her this without starting WWIII. Any ideas?

Why doesn't it get to work that way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are strange. And you sound very demanding. What’s wrong with the grandma that the kids see on holidays and birthdays? Are you pissed off that she doesn’t babysit enough? That’s not her obligation. Get over it and except what she will give.

That's exactly what it is op feels entitled to her mom's time as if she were still a child.

According to op her mom should not travel l, should not spend time with friends, shouldn't do anything else but liver her life entirely revolving around her

I don’t care what she does, but then she can’t complain that she has been ignored. THAT is the issue.

That is actually not what OP said was the issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom, local at only 20 minutes away, is the type of mom/grandma who can’t seem to find the time to get together until it’s a major holiday or birthday. We invite her to things all year long and she will decline, claiming she’s too busy with this or that thing, or will accept and then cancel, claiming something came up. But then the second it’s someone’s birthday or a holiday, suddenly she’s champing at the bit to see us, playing the victim and acting like we’ve been avoiding her. It’s infuriating. I’m so sick of it.

It’s DS birthday next Friday and while I haven’t heard from her yet—and haven't seen her in about nine weeks; she’s cancelled the last three times—I have a feeling I will inquiry from her by the end of the week in regards to DS birthday. I have no clue what to do. She doesn’t get to just pop in and out for the fun things where she can shower them with gifts and pretend to be this perfect, present grandma. It doesn’t work that way. But I don’t know how to tell her this without starting WWIII. Any ideas?

Why doesn't it get to work that way?

Lol this. If she live 2-3 hours away it would totally work like this. OP needs to chill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are strange. And you sound very demanding. What’s wrong with the grandma that the kids see on holidays and birthdays? Are you pissed off that she doesn’t babysit enough? That’s not her obligation. Get over it and except what she will give.

That's exactly what it is op feels entitled to her mom's time as if she were still a child.

According to op her mom should not travel l, should not spend time with friends, shouldn't do anything else but liver her life entirely revolving around her

I don’t care what she does, but then she can’t complain that she has been ignored. THAT is the issue.

That is actually not what OP said was the issue.

OP here and yes, this is exactly the issue.

We invite her to things (NOT babysitting, as others have suggested; things like Sunday dinner, for a BBQ, etc.) and she declines or cancels, but she expects to be the main character at every holiday, and when she comes, she complains about how we “avoid” her, when it’s HER avoiding US. My post is being misconstrued. It’s unfair that she comes and goes into our life however she pleases, and then blames us for it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are strange. And you sound very demanding. What’s wrong with the grandma that the kids see on holidays and birthdays? Are you pissed off that she doesn’t babysit enough? That’s not her obligation. Get over it and except what she will give.

That's exactly what it is op feels entitled to her mom's time as if she were still a child.

According to op her mom should not travel l, should not spend time with friends, shouldn't do anything else but liver her life entirely revolving around her

I don’t care what she does, but then she can’t complain that she has been ignored. THAT is the issue.

That is actually not what OP said was the issue.

OP here and yes, this is exactly the issue.

We invite her to things (NOT babysitting, as others have suggested; things like Sunday dinner, for a BBQ, etc.) and she declines or cancels, but she expects to be the main character at every holiday, and when she comes, she complains about how we “avoid” her, when it’s HER avoiding US. My post is being misconstrued. It’s unfair that she comes and goes into our life however she pleases, and then blames us for it!

Where is that in the OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are strange. And you sound very demanding. What’s wrong with the grandma that the kids see on holidays and birthdays? Are you pissed off that she doesn’t babysit enough? That’s not her obligation. Get over it and except what she will give.

That's exactly what it is op feels entitled to her mom's time as if she were still a child.

According to op her mom should not travel l, should not spend time with friends, shouldn't do anything else but liver her life entirely revolving around her

I don’t care what she does, but then she can’t complain that she has been ignored. THAT is the issue.

That is actually not what OP said was the issue.

OP here and yes, this is exactly the issue.

We invite her to things (NOT babysitting, as others have suggested; things like Sunday dinner, for a BBQ, etc.) and she declines or cancels, but she expects to be the main character at every holiday, and when she comes, she complains about how we “avoid” her, when it’s HER avoiding US. My post is being misconstrued. It’s unfair that she comes and goes into our life however she pleases, and then blames us for it!

Showing up at holidays in your house and publicly shaming you (right or not) is NOT OK for a guest to do - even a Grandma. That is the core issue that needs to be addressed. She can enjoy the party and please save her criticisms for later and you are happy to address them. I would publicly say to please call/email the next day and we can address her grievances at that time. I would shame her for publicly shaming me, if I was in that situation.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like you really love your mom and wish she spent more time with you and your family. Why don't you just tell her that instead of trying to punish her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think people are being unreasonably harsh. Imagine you have a friend who isn’t there for anything other than fun. Is that truly a friend? It sounds self-serving, and that’s not what friend OR family are. Why does this grandma get a pass, “because she raised her kids already”? This gives her the privilege of not showing up and then expecting to be catered to on her terms? I understand OPs frustration.

It's not grandmas responsibility to be there for random dinners. She's not a parent. She raised her kids. She has the right to enjoy her life and her friends and not be at ops beck and call

I agree. But it’s also not her right to be there at Christmas or Halloween, and that’s the issue, because shes acting like it is.

What do you get out of saying your mom can’t see the grandkids on holidays? Petty retribution?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are strange. And you sound very demanding. What’s wrong with the grandma that the kids see on holidays and birthdays? Are you pissed off that she doesn’t babysit enough? That’s not her obligation. Get over it and except what she will give.

That's exactly what it is op feels entitled to her mom's time as if she were still a child.

According to op her mom should not travel l, should not spend time with friends, shouldn't do anything else but liver her life entirely revolving around her

I don’t care what she does, but then she can’t complain that she has been ignored. THAT is the issue.

That is actually not what OP said was the issue.

OP here and yes, this is exactly the issue.

We invite her to things (NOT babysitting, as others have suggested; things like Sunday dinner, for a BBQ, etc.) and she declines or cancels, but she expects to be the main character at every holiday, and when she comes, she complains about how we “avoid” her, when it’s HER avoiding US. My post is being misconstrued. It’s unfair that she comes and goes into our life however she pleases, and then blames us for it!

This is not what you said in your OP. Look at the title. It was about her choosing not to come to some events and then coming to others.
You need to separate issues. She absolutely gets to decide what events she wants to attend, and if it less than you would prefer, that is OK.
If you are upset about the things she says when she does visit, that is a different issue entirely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are strange. And you sound very demanding. What’s wrong with the grandma that the kids see on holidays and birthdays? Are you pissed off that she doesn’t babysit enough? That’s not her obligation. Get over it and except what she will give.

That's exactly what it is op feels entitled to her mom's time as if she were still a child.

According to op her mom should not travel l, should not spend time with friends, shouldn't do anything else but liver her life entirely revolving around her

I don’t care what she does, but then she can’t complain that she has been ignored. THAT is the issue.

That is actually not what OP said was the issue.

OP here and yes, this is exactly the issue.

We invite her to things (NOT babysitting, as others have suggested; things like Sunday dinner, for a BBQ, etc.) and she declines or cancels, but she expects to be the main character at every holiday, and when she comes, she complains about how we “avoid” her, when it’s HER avoiding US. My post is being misconstrued. It’s unfair that she comes and goes into our life however she pleases, and then blames us for it!

Showing up at holidays in your house and publicly shaming you (right or not) is NOT OK for a guest to do - even a Grandma. That is the core issue that needs to be addressed. She can enjoy the party and please save her criticisms for later and you are happy to address them. I would publicly say to please call/email the next day and we can address her grievances at that time. I would shame her for publicly shaming me, if I was in that situation.

What is your definition of "publicly shaming"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think people are being unreasonably harsh. Imagine you have a friend who isn’t there for anything other than fun. Is that truly a friend? It sounds self-serving, and that’s not what friend OR family are. Why does this grandma get a pass, “because she raised her kids already”? This gives her the privilege of not showing up and then expecting to be catered to on her terms? I understand OPs frustration.

It's not grandmas responsibility to be there for random dinners. She's not a parent. She raised her kids. She has the right to enjoy her life and her friends and not be at ops beck and call

I agree. But it’s also not her right to be there at Christmas or Halloween, and that’s the issue, because shes acting like it is.

So tell her Christmas doesn’t work, but she can come over on the 26th. Tell her Halloween doesn’t work, but she can come over the following weekend. Or whatever.

Yes, this. Use your words. Op this is your family, you get to dictate who sees your kids and when.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are strange. And you sound very demanding. What’s wrong with the grandma that the kids see on holidays and birthdays? Are you pissed off that she doesn’t babysit enough? That’s not her obligation. Get over it and except what she will give.

That's exactly what it is op feels entitled to her mom's time as if she were still a child.

According to op her mom should not travel l, should not spend time with friends, shouldn't do anything else but liver her life entirely revolving around her

I don’t care what she does, but then she can’t complain that she has been ignored. THAT is the issue.

That is actually not what OP said was the issue.

OP here and yes, this is exactly the issue.

We invite her to things (NOT babysitting, as others have suggested; things like Sunday dinner, for a BBQ, etc.) and she declines or cancels, but she expects to be the main character at every holiday, and when she comes, she complains about how we “avoid” her, when it’s HER avoiding US. My post is being misconstrued. It’s unfair that she comes and goes into our life however she pleases, and then blames us for it!

Because OP is changing the story now that she's being called out on her BS. I have a sibling who does the same crap. She think swerr;e all supposed to go to her BBQ,s sports events dnners, etc, and if we go to enough of them then we earn being able to see them on holidays. She's a narcissistic Lying PITA just like OP who is always the victim and always being wrong and misunderstood.

Where is that in the OP?