She’s not allowed to just keep popping in and out of our lives
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Anonymous
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My mom, local at only 20 minutes away, is the type of mom/grandma who can’t seem to find the time to get together until it’s a major holiday or birthday. We invite her to things all year long and she will decline, claiming she’s too busy with this or that thing, or will accept and then cancel, claiming something came up. But then the second it’s someone’s birthday or a holiday, suddenly she’s champing at the bit to see us, playing the victim and acting like we’ve been avoiding her. It’s infuriating. I’m so sick of it.
It’s DS birthday next Friday and while I haven’t heard from her yet—and haven't seen her in about nine weeks; she’s cancelled the last three times—I have a feeling I will inquiry from her by the end of the week in regards to DS birthday. I have no clue what to do. She doesn’t get to just pop in and out for the fun things where she can shower them with gifts and pretend to be this perfect, present grandma. It doesn’t work that way. But I don’t know how to tell her this without starting WWIII. Any ideas? |
Anonymous
| I don’t really get the issue here tbh. |
Anonymous
+1 Just invite her to birthdays and holidays. Problem solved. |
Anonymous
| You need to learn how to have boundaries and keep your cool. Invite her to things but don’t count on her coming. If she does, great, and if not, so be it. If she complains, let it roll off your back, it’s not your problem. Figure out how to disengage. You’re not there yet. |
Anonymous
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It sounds like you are angry that she isn’t more involved, and you see that as her not really caring about you or your kids. You resent that she engages with you and your kids 100% on her terms, and you feel you are expected to be grateful for her crumbs and expected to cater to what she wants.
She will never change. Therefore, you have to decide what you want. Is an occasional grandma better than no grandma? Is her lack of interest too much a slap in the face for you to continue to swallow? Are your kids very little? Some grandparents aren’t into that but like kids more when they’re older. Does she have health issues? What is she spending most of her time doing? Are you an only child? I think you tally up a long list of all the times she has turned you down and canceled at the last minute. Ask her why she only likes to see your family for the big events. (Which holidays are you talking about, OP?) When she challenges the premise of your question, hand her the list. If WWIII starts, what exactly do you think her ammunition is? |
Anonymous
| Very weird post |
Anonymous
+ 1 You keep inviting her and she comes when she comes. What is the problem? |
Anonymous
| Her behavior is telling you what she's willing to participate in. You're not getting the message that she doesn't want to do the mundane stuff. Why do you keep hoping she will? |
Anonymous
OP here. This is exactly how I feel. She can’t be bothered unless it’s a calendar holiday—and all of them: she suddenly HAS to come trick or treating, or HAS to be there with all things green for St. Patrick’s Day, and of course the big holidays and birthdays. But a random dinner invite? She can’t be bothered. You’re spot on that it’s only on her terms, and it seems she only wants it when she can somehow be the center of attention. It is hurtful and I do resent being expected to ask how high when she says “jump”. |
Anonymous
I understand what you’re saying. But then why does she play the victim card and act like we have been avoiding her? I guess that’s the part I can’t wrap my head around. If she knows she only wants the fun of holidays, why act like you’ve been wronged the rest of the year? |
Anonymous
Ask her. |
Anonymous
| You are strange. And you sound very demanding. What’s wrong with the grandma that the kids see on holidays and birthdays? Are you pissed off that she doesn’t babysit enough? That’s not her obligation. Get over it and except what she will give. |
Anonymous
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Look, it's like being a "Christmas and Easter Christian." Yeah, you're christian, but you only go to church twice a year.
Your mom only wants to be a birthday and holiday grandma. If she acts like she hasn't been able to see the kids, call her out. "Mom, I invited you to see the kids May 21, June 4, June 19, and July 11. You said no or canceled for all those. We invite you - you just don't show up." |
Anonymous
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I think all grandparents have earned this. Isn’t that the saying:
“Raise you kids, spoil your grandkids/ Spoiled your kids, raise your grandkids” Not sure if this applies, but you should hire help with childcare if you need it, not expect your mom to help. Some grandparents do this but not all, and it’s not assumed. No one expects this of grandfathers, ironically. So many parents would be thrilled if their kids got presents from grandparents. Think of your kids first. They are loved by grandma. It’s enough. |
Anonymous
Yeah, I thought it did work that way. I thought that was why everyone loved being a grandparent |