She’s not allowed to just keep popping in and out of our lives

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look, it's like being a "Christmas and Easter Christian." Yeah, you're christian, but you only go to church twice a year.

Your mom only wants to be a birthday and holiday grandma. If she acts like she hasn't been able to see the kids, call her out. "Mom, I invited you to see the kids May 21, June 4, June 19, and July 11. You said no or canceled for all those. We invite you - you just don't show up."

I agree with calling her out on her fake martyr nonsense.

[Anonymous]

If she’s really acting hurt that you haven’t seen her for awhile, I understand your annoyance with that and I suggest you call her out on it next time it happens. She pouts she hasn’t seen you, you remind her all the things you invited her to that she declined.

Otherwise, I don’t see the problem. I see my parents 2-3x a year. No, they’re not involved grandparents. Yes, it would be nice if they were. But it is what it is. You just have to accept it and be glad for the holidays/bdays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you are angry that she isn’t more involved, and you see that as her not really caring about you or your kids. You resent that she engages with you and your kids 100% on her terms, and you feel you are expected to be grateful for her crumbs and expected to cater to what she wants.

OP here. This is exactly how I feel. She can’t be bothered unless it’s a calendar holiday—and all of them: she suddenly HAS to come trick or treating, or HAS to be there with all things green for St. Patrick’s Day, and of course the big holidays and birthdays. But a random dinner invite? She can’t be bothered. You’re spot on that it’s only on her terms, and it seems she only wants it when she can somehow be the center of attention. It is hurtful and I do resent being expected to ask how high when she says “jump”.

OP it sounds as if your mom is more adept at being a narcissist than you are but that's only because she's had more time to practice. From the sound of things though I take it you have been working very hard to catch up. Just keep at it I'm sure you'll get there.

[Anonymous]

My mom is deceased now, but she used to just pop in here and there as the fun grandma with gifts. I miss her so much and my kids have such fond memories of her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Her behavior is telling you what she's willing to participate in. You're not getting the message that she doesn't want to do the mundane stuff. Why do you keep hoping she will?

I understand what you’re saying. But then why does she play the victim card and act like we have been avoiding her? I guess that’s the part I can’t wrap my head around. If she knows she only wants the fun of holidays, why act like you’ve been wronged the rest of the year?

Ask her directly. Or just say "You declined all of our invitations so I'm not sure what you have to complain about."

She wants to be one kind of grandma but feel like a different kind.

[Anonymous]

I hear you OP. My parents are divorced and still live near my hometown. Both of them are welcome to visit whenever they want. My dad comes several times a year and spends time with us whatever we are doing, comes and watches the kids sports, etc. My mom hasn’t come once in over 3 years. She takes vacations with friends or whatever man she’s involved with but when it comes to visiting us she can’t because she doesn’t “get enough time off from work.”

We are about to go visit my hometown for a week. My mom wants the entire week to be about her because “Dad gets to see you all the time and I don’t” in other words making herself a martyr. I understand if my mom truly can’t visit us. But she makes choices, and then makes it all about her being a victim, and I am over it. I’d rather spend the time with my dad.

Like PP said, she wants to be one kind of grandma but feels like another.

It’s hard, but you gotta let go of things you can’t control. OP, if your mom complains again, you can call her out on it succinctly, but leave it at that. She will likely make excuses or whatever, but it’s BS and doesn’t matter.

[Anonymous]

Your expectations of what your mom should be doing seem off. Are you hurt the two of you aren’t closer? Maybe start by telling her you would like to see her more. She’s raised her kids. Why does she need to be at every soccer game, etc? Continue inviting her and work on your own expectations. The flip side is that you become her whole social circle and I guarantee you that is a lot worse!!!

[Anonymous]

Are your kids poorly behaved? Have you expected her to babysit?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t really get the issue here tbh.

+1 Just invite her to birthdays and holidays. Problem solved.

Yeah, I thought it did work that way. I thought that was why everyone loved being a grandparent

+1 Grandparents are retired. They spent 20 years doing all the hard work and now they get to enjoy just the fun parts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hear you OP. My parents are divorced and still live near my hometown. Both of them are welcome to visit whenever they want. My dad comes several times a year and spends time with us whatever we are doing, comes and watches the kids sports, etc. My mom hasn’t come once in over 3 years. She takes vacations with friends or whatever man she’s involved with but when it comes to visiting us she can’t because she doesn’t “get enough time off from work.”

We are about to go visit my hometown for a week. My mom wants the entire week to be about her because “Dad gets to see you all the time and I don’t” in other words making herself a martyr. I understand if my mom truly can’t visit us. But she makes choices, and then makes it all about her being a victim, and I am over it. I’d rather spend the time with my dad.

Like PP said, she wants to be one kind of grandma but feels like another.

It’s hard, but you gotta let go of things you can’t control. OP, if your mom complains again, you can call her out on it succinctly, but leave it at that. She will likely make excuses or whatever, but it’s BS and doesn’t matter.

She's probably hurt you spend so much time with your ex. Tell her your family needs her, too -- your father isn't enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hear you OP. My parents are divorced and still live near my hometown. Both of them are welcome to visit whenever they want. My dad comes several times a year and spends time with us whatever we are doing, comes and watches the kids sports, etc. My mom hasn’t come once in over 3 years. She takes vacations with friends or whatever man she’s involved with but when it comes to visiting us she can’t because she doesn’t “get enough time off from work.”

We are about to go visit my hometown for a week. My mom wants the entire week to be about her because “Dad gets to see you all the time and I don’t” in other words making herself a martyr. I understand if my mom truly can’t visit us. But she makes choices, and then makes it all about her being a victim, and I am over it. I’d rather spend the time with my dad.

Like PP said, she wants to be one kind of grandma but feels like another.

It’s hard, but you gotta let go of things you can’t control. OP, if your mom complains again, you can call her out on it succinctly, but leave it at that. She will likely make excuses or whatever, but it’s BS and doesn’t matter.

She's probably hurt you spend so much time with your ex. Tell her your family needs her, too -- your father isn't enough.

Sorry, meant with HER ex, your father.

[Anonymous]

Ummm yes she is allows to just pop in. Banning her from your DS’s birthday would be incredibly toxic. I get that you want more contact with her, but escalation makes no sense, unless your goal is to punish her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you are angry that she isn’t more involved, and you see that as her not really caring about you or your kids. You resent that she engages with you and your kids 100% on her terms, and you feel you are expected to be grateful for her crumbs and expected to cater to what she wants.

OP here. This is exactly how I feel. She can’t be bothered unless it’s a calendar holiday—and all of them: she suddenly HAS to come trick or treating, or HAS to be there with all things green for St. Patrick’s Day, and of course the big holidays and birthdays. But a random dinner invite? She can’t be bothered. You’re spot on that it’s only on her terms, and it seems she only wants it when she can somehow be the center of attention. It is hurtful and I do resent being expected to ask how high when she says “jump”.

OP it sounds as if your mom is more adept at being a narcissist than you are but that's only because she's had more time to practice. From the sound of things though I take it you have been working very hard to catch up. Just keep at it I'm sure you'll get there.

LOL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you are angry that she isn’t more involved, and you see that as her not really caring about you or your kids. You resent that she engages with you and your kids 100% on her terms, and you feel you are expected to be grateful for her crumbs and expected to cater to what she wants.

OP here. This is exactly how I feel. She can’t be bothered unless it’s a calendar holiday—and all of them: she suddenly HAS to come trick or treating, or HAS to be there with all things green for St. Patrick’s Day, and of course the big holidays and birthdays. But a random dinner invite? She can’t be bothered. You’re spot on that it’s only on her terms, and it seems she only wants it when she can somehow be the center of attention. It is hurtful and I do resent being expected to ask how high when she says “jump”.

You sound like a pull. Let me tell you whats hurtful- I have a heart condition and epilepsy triggered by stress; DH and I are both losing our jobs and I've been having seizures regularly- my mom calls me maybe twice a month, talks about her herb garden and gets off the phone. She literally never asks how we are doing or how my health is. I also call her about twice a month and listen to her talk about her garden or that she wants whatever medical treatment (all elective) from her Dr. If I tell her my health is declining or anything personal like that she literally says something to the effect of "Oh, that's too bad. I'll pray for you. Oh, I have to go to the grocery store now." I'd love a mother who cared enough to show interest in anything other than herself. Sound like she's interested in being a part of your family holidays, which is more than I get from my own selfish mother.

[Anonymous]

Why doesn’t it work that way?

Accept her for who she is. She still wants a relationship with her grandkids.