She’s not allowed to just keep popping in and out of our lives

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom, local at only 20 minutes away, is the type of mom/grandma who can’t seem to find the time to get together until it’s a major holiday or birthday. We invite her to things all year long and she will decline, claiming she’s too busy with this or that thing, or will accept and then cancel, claiming something came up. But then the second it’s someone’s birthday or a holiday, suddenly she’s champing at the bit to see us, playing the victim and acting like we’ve been avoiding her. It’s infuriating. I’m so sick of it.

It’s DS birthday next Friday and while I haven’t heard from her yet—and haven't seen her in about nine weeks; she’s cancelled the last three times—I have a feeling I will inquiry from her by the end of the week in regards to DS birthday. I have no clue what to do. She doesn’t get to just pop in and out for the fun things where she can shower them with gifts and pretend to be this perfect, present grandma. It doesn’t work that way. But I don’t know how to tell her this without starting WWIII. Any ideas?

Why not? Serious question.

At least she remembers her grandchildren’s birthdays.

But I am not sure I understand your hostility?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you are angry that she isn’t more involved, and you see that as her not really caring about you or your kids. You resent that she engages with you and your kids 100% on her terms, and you feel you are expected to be grateful for her crumbs and expected to cater to what she wants.

She will never change. Therefore, you have to decide what you want. Is an occasional grandma better than no grandma? Is her lack of interest too much a slap in the face for you to continue to swallow?

Are your kids very little? Some grandparents aren’t into that but like kids more when they’re older. Does she have health issues? What is she spending most of her time doing? Are you an only child?

I think you tally up a long list of all the times she has turned you down and canceled at the last minute. Ask her why she only likes to see your family for the big events. (Which holidays are you talking about, OP?) When she challenges the premise of your question, hand her the list. If WWIII starts, what exactly do you think her ammunition is?

Absolutely do not do this. Petty scorekeeping is the height of dysfunction.

[Anonymous]

OP what I had to do was meet my mother where she was. I didn't invite her to things I knew she would turn down. I had no expectations of help and knew I would be need to cater to her some when I saw her. It worked well for a while.

Sadly things changed drastically as she aged and she wanted to see me and my teenage kids and my husband (who she barely expressed interest in) WEEKLY and became quite demanding and angry. She would compare us to her neighbors kids who visit often and I almost wish I didn't take the high road. I didn't want to rub in her face that her neighbor is the most loving grandma who babysat all the time, moved in with them to be a fulltime nanny, night nurse and chef the first month post birth so they could relax more and would take the kids for as much as a month or 2 for anything from work trips to solo parent trips to needing to do renovations without parenting. She filled their freezer with home-cooked meals whenever she could. I didn't expect any of this, I just also didn't expect outrageous expectations from someone who never showed that much interest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Growing up, after a series of similar, my mother’s last straw was the time her father came into town and didn’t visit her, not even for a coffee. She excommunicated him and at the time, I thought it was way harsh. But now I deal with something similar with my ILs and I get it. I don’t think it’s something you can understand until you’re dealing with it.

So your parents lives are supposed to revolve around their adult children?.

[Anonymous]

OP, I was just plan to invite her to major events (birthdays and holidays) going forward and don't expect anything else out of her at all.

I had the opposite issue: wanted to be involved and my child only wanted me to be around for the birthdays and holidays and didn't want to see me any other time. It was sad, but I have accepted the situation and moved on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think people are being unreasonably harsh. Imagine you have a friend who isn’t there for anything other than fun. Is that truly a friend? It sounds self-serving, and that’s not what friend OR family are. Why does this grandma get a pass, “because she raised her kids already”? This gives her the privilege of not showing up and then expecting to be catered to on her terms? I understand OPs frustration.

It's not grandmas responsibility to be there for random dinners. She's not a parent. She raised her kids. She has the right to enjoy her life and her friends and not be at ops beck and call

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are strange. And you sound very demanding. What’s wrong with the grandma that the kids see on holidays and birthdays? Are you pissed off that she doesn’t babysit enough? That’s not her obligation. Get over it and except what she will give.

That's exactly what it is op feels entitled to her mom's time as if she were still a child.

According to op her mom should not travel l, should not spend time with friends, shouldn't do anything else but liver her life entirely revolving around her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are strange. And you sound very demanding. What’s wrong with the grandma that the kids see on holidays and birthdays? Are you pissed off that she doesn’t babysit enough? That’s not her obligation. Get over it and except what she will give.

NP; STFU.

[Anonymous]

That's my mom but no gifts. We just stopped initiating and inviting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP what I had to do was meet my mother where she was. I didn't invite her to things I knew she would turn down. I had no expectations of help and knew I would be need to cater to her some when I saw her. It worked well for a while.

Sadly things changed drastically as she aged and she wanted to see me and my teenage kids and my husband (who she barely expressed interest in) WEEKLY and became quite demanding and angry. She would compare us to her neighbors kids who visit often and I almost wish I didn't take the high road. I didn't want to rub in her face that her neighbor is the most loving grandma who babysat all the time, moved in with them to be a fulltime nanny, night nurse and chef the first month post birth so they could relax more and would take the kids for as much as a month or 2 for anything from work trips to solo parent trips to needing to do renovations without parenting. She filled their freezer with home-cooked meals whenever she could. I didn't expect any of this, I just also didn't expect outrageous expectations from someone who never showed that much interest.

This is hard when the kids have no bond and know they aren't a priority. My mom has never babysat and sees us a few times a year despite being close. She all of the sudden wants to see the kids but canceled the last few times last minute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think people are being unreasonably harsh. Imagine you have a friend who isn’t there for anything other than fun. Is that truly a friend? It sounds self-serving, and that’s not what friend OR family are. Why does this grandma get a pass, “because she raised her kids already”? This gives her the privilege of not showing up and then expecting to be catered to on her terms? I understand OPs frustration.

It's not grandmas responsibility to be there for random dinners. She's not a parent. She raised her kids. She has the right to enjoy her life and her friends and not be at ops beck and call

I agree. But it’s also not her right to be there at Christmas or Halloween, and that’s the issue, because shes acting like it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are strange. And you sound very demanding. What’s wrong with the grandma that the kids see on holidays and birthdays? Are you pissed off that she doesn’t babysit enough? That’s not her obligation. Get over it and except what she will give.

That's exactly what it is op feels entitled to her mom's time as if she were still a child.

According to op her mom should not travel l, should not spend time with friends, shouldn't do anything else but liver her life entirely revolving around her

I don’t care what she does, but then she can’t complain that she has been ignored. THAT is the issue.

[Anonymous]

It actually does work that way, OP.

[Anonymous]

Just say no.

[Anonymous]

As long as she doesn’t pretend and gaslight and act all “oh I hardly ever see you” or “why wasn’t I invited to Billy’s concert” then it’s fine. It’s her life, her time, and her choice. As long as she doesn’t act wounded or play pretend, then she can be Holiday Grandma, and whatever.