found empty bottles of alcohol in teen's daughter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Meh, our kids bring home their left-over party supplies after every party. They usually bring them to the next party, even if the next party isn’t for several weeks. I don’t think it’s a huge cause for concern yet. But definitely talk to her - and make sure you explain why you were in there to begin with so she doesn’t think you were ‘spying.’

I guess someone trashy enough to encourage his behavior is trashy enough to brag about it too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here--thanks they are empty bottles or half drunken so not supplies for a coming party. I immediately thought that they may have been leftover from a gathering but she has not had once recently and i was in her room a few weeks ago and did not see them then.

I'm going to talk to her to see what she says. We have had open communication about alcohol, I'm aware that she drinks at parties and that is fine with me but drinking alone or on a regular basis is not.

They are party supplies. Teens will take half drunken bottles to a party and continue to pour from them -- absolutely! Why would you think they wouldn't? And they keep the empty bottles to re-fill later. And it doesn't matter how long ago the last party was -- they are keeping the alcohol on hand for the the next one. Teens are NOT throwing away alcohol.

Obviously just talk to her -- but as sure as I'm sitting here, they are party supplies.

Thanks, I'm hoping this is it but do teens bring home cans of almost empty spiked seltzer cans? (think similar to diet coke cans). No way to really close them when they are open so I would think it they would be difficult to carry around. I'm trying not to overreact and again don't have a problem with her experimenting with drinking but would want it to be in a social setting not drinking alone. Hopefully I can find out more when we talk.

If you encourage teen alcoholism, don't be surprised that you raised an alcoholic.

[Anonymous]

Chug a lot of water and refill the bottles back up with clear piss (your piss).

[Anonymous]

This 16yo is going to continue drinking, despite what she tells her mother. If her friends and her boyfriend are drinking regularly when it's just 2 or 3 of them, the daughter is drinking right along with them.

And keeping large bottles refilled with vodka? This is hardcore, secretive, serious drinking behavior. The empty cans means they are drinking right under mom's nose because they knew mom would never be suspicious of 2 girls getting together to "study", or her boyfriend coming over to watch a movie.

If my mom had caught me doing this stuff and handled it like OP did, my gosh, I would be relieved and laughing to myself and with my friends that mom is so low-key worried.

1st rule would be no sleepovers, no friends in bedroom, no Prom at 16 (she can go next year) and urine or breath tests daily for the next 4 months until I can re-assess the situation. And no unsupervised access to money. If she works, entire paycheck gets deposited and we review purchases weekly. No buying a shirt then returning it for cash.

The main question I would have is WHO is buying alcohol for a 16yo. She either has friends with an older sibling, which says a lot about the parenting in that house, or she is somehow around 21 yo people enough to pay them off for buying for her - very dangerous for many other reasons as well.

Whatever your plan, you probably should triple your reaction meter.

I would feel a little different if she was heading to college in a few months as an 18yo "adult", but at 16? This is your last chance to have an impact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here--thanks they are empty bottles or half drunken so not supplies for a coming party. I immediately thought that they may have been leftover from a gathering but she has not had once recently and i was in her room a few weeks ago and did not see them then.

I'm going to talk to her to see what she says. We have had open communication about alcohol, I'm aware that she drinks at parties and that is fine with me but drinking alone or on a regular basis is not.

They are party supplies. Teens will take half drunken bottles to a party and continue to pour from them -- absolutely! Why would you think they wouldn't? And they keep the empty bottles to re-fill later. And it doesn't matter how long ago the last party was -- they are keeping the alcohol on hand for the the next one. Teens are NOT throwing away alcohol.

Obviously just talk to her -- but as sure as I'm sitting here, they are party supplies.

Thanks, I'm hoping this is it but do teens bring home cans of almost empty spiked seltzer cans? (think similar to diet coke cans). No way to really close them when they are open so I would think it they would be difficult to carry around. I'm trying not to overreact and again don't have a problem with her experimenting with drinking but would want it to be in a social setting not drinking alone. Hopefully I can find out more when we talk.

If you encourage teen alcoholism, don't be surprised that you raised an alcoholic.

DP but....Hyperbole much? You probably don't allow any ankle or even neck to be exposed in public either, cause it would "encourage teen promiscuity!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you everyone, I am definitely taking it seriously. I talked to her and she said that she was absolutely not drinking alone and that the cans were left over from when friends and/or boyfriend have been over.

She has not had a large gathering lately but has had individual friends (1-2 at a time) over at different points the past few weekends. We talked about drinking rules and boundaries, health consequences. I'm not going to just accept her word blindly but will continue to monitor room, behavior etc. DH and I will talk about consequences tonight.

Some posters noted that I was blase about her drinking at parties. I think it is a very delicate balance bw completely forbidding something and talking about how to drink responsibly at parties. I'm still figuring out the right equilibrium--I do not want to go the extreme of how my mother grew up. No drinking, no dating, etc bc I felt like I had a tougher time figuring out parameters in college and I lied to my mother about everything.

Sorry, meant to say how I grew up in an overly strict environment. I wasn't allowed to do anything, even in moderation and I felt like the end result was that I did not have a gradual introduction into adolescent life. Was a deep plunge once I went to college.

This idea they need to "learn" to drink at home with you to somehow not drink in excess later. The evidence really doesn't support this idea. The earlier kids start drinking the more likely they are to be problematic drinkers later on. Not the other way around.

Not even close to the truth, not even anecdotally, much less statistically.

Proper parenting is teaching how to indulge in things like alcohol, candy, carbs, diet in general, staying up late, attending parties, etc. but doing it responsibly so it doesn't affect one's health.

Perhaps you have experience with poor instruction or poor parenting, but that's a different topic.

Kids who are forbidden the fruit, alway overindulge once they are "kicked out" of the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you everyone, I am definitely taking it seriously. I talked to her and she said that she was absolutely not drinking alone and that the cans were left over from when friends and/or boyfriend have been over.

She has not had a large gathering lately but has had individual friends (1-2 at a time) over at different points the past few weekends. We talked about drinking rules and boundaries, health consequences. I'm not going to just accept her word blindly but will continue to monitor room, behavior etc. DH and I will talk about consequences tonight.

Some posters noted that I was blase about her drinking at parties. I think it is a very delicate balance bw completely forbidding something and talking about how to drink responsibly at parties. I'm still figuring out the right equilibrium--I do not want to go the extreme of how my mother grew up. No drinking, no dating, etc bc I felt like I had a tougher time figuring out parameters in college and I lied to my mother about everything.

at the end of the day she either drinking alone or drinking with friends she still drinking.... is there a big difference? just make sure she doesn't drive when she drinking

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you everyone, I am definitely taking it seriously. I talked to her and she said that she was absolutely not drinking alone and that the cans were left over from when friends and/or boyfriend have been over.

She has not had a large gathering lately but has had individual friends (1-2 at a time) over at different points the past few weekends. We talked about drinking rules and boundaries, health consequences. I'm not going to just accept her word blindly but will continue to monitor room, behavior etc. DH and I will talk about consequences tonight.

Some posters noted that I was blase about her drinking at parties. I think it is a very delicate balance bw completely forbidding something and talking about how to drink responsibly at parties. I'm still figuring out the right equilibrium--I do not want to go the extreme of how my mother grew up. No drinking, no dating, etc bc I felt like I had a tougher time figuring out parameters in college and I lied to my mother about everything.

Sorry, meant to say how I grew up in an overly strict environment. I wasn't allowed to do anything, even in moderation and I felt like the end result was that I did not have a gradual introduction into adolescent life. Was a deep plunge once I went to college.

This idea they need to "learn" to drink at home with you to somehow not drink in excess later. The evidence really doesn't support this idea. The earlier kids start drinking the more likely they are to be problematic drinkers later on. Not the other way around.

Not even close to the truth, not even anecdotally, much less statistically.

Proper parenting is teaching how to indulge in things like alcohol, candy, carbs, diet in general, staying up late, attending parties, etc. but doing it responsibly so it doesn't affect one's health.

Perhaps you have experience with poor instruction or poor parenting, but that's a different topic.

Kids who are forbidden the fruit, alway overindulge once they are "kicked out" of the house.

The options are not limited to either forbidding fruit or facilitating indulgence in it. Truthful and direct discussion of how disproportionately alcohol harms a brain that is not yet at maturity—and not supporting that harm—are also options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you everyone, I am definitely taking it seriously. I talked to her and she said that she was absolutely not drinking alone and that the cans were left over from when friends and/or boyfriend have been over.

She has not had a large gathering lately but has had individual friends (1-2 at a time) over at different points the past few weekends. We talked about drinking rules and boundaries, health consequences. I'm not going to just accept her word blindly but will continue to monitor room, behavior etc. DH and I will talk about consequences tonight.

Some posters noted that I was blase about her drinking at parties. I think it is a very delicate balance bw completely forbidding something and talking about how to drink responsibly at parties. I'm still figuring out the right equilibrium--I do not want to go the extreme of how my mother grew up. No drinking, no dating, etc bc I felt like I had a tougher time figuring out parameters in college and I lied to my mother about everything.

Sorry, meant to say how I grew up in an overly strict environment. I wasn't allowed to do anything, even in moderation and I felt like the end result was that I did not have a gradual introduction into adolescent life. Was a deep plunge once I went to college.

This idea they need to "learn" to drink at home with you to somehow not drink in excess later. The evidence really doesn't support this idea. The earlier kids start drinking the more likely they are to be problematic drinkers later on. Not the other way around.

Not even close to the truth, not even anecdotally, much less statistically.

Proper parenting is teaching how to indulge in things like alcohol, candy, carbs, diet in general, staying up late, attending parties, etc. but doing it responsibly so it doesn't affect one's health.

Perhaps you have experience with poor instruction or poor parenting, but that's a different topic.

Kids who are forbidden the fruit, alway overindulge once they are "kicked out" of the house.

The options are not limited to either forbidding fruit or facilitating indulgence in it. Truthful and direct discussion of how disproportionately alcohol harms a brain that is not yet at maturity—and not supporting that harm—are also options.

Brains are never "at maturity." Learn more. They remain "plastic" as is commonly referenced, but even that's not really a good term.
A brain is an organ, and they are always repairing and changing.

They have spurts of neurological changes all throughout life and lulls as well. It's more hormone related.

[Anonymous]

It’s crazy how blase some of you are about teens “bringing home their party supplies.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you everyone, I am definitely taking it seriously. I talked to her and she said that she was absolutely not drinking alone and that the cans were left over from when friends and/or boyfriend have been over.

She has not had a large gathering lately but has had individual friends (1-2 at a time) over at different points the past few weekends. We talked about drinking rules and boundaries, health consequences. I'm not going to just accept her word blindly but will continue to monitor room, behavior etc. DH and I will talk about consequences tonight.

Some posters noted that I was blase about her drinking at parties. I think it is a very delicate balance bw completely forbidding something and talking about how to drink responsibly at parties. I'm still figuring out the right equilibrium--I do not want to go the extreme of how my mother grew up. No drinking, no dating, etc bc I felt like I had a tougher time figuring out parameters in college and I lied to my mother about everything.

Sorry, meant to say how I grew up in an overly strict environment. I wasn't allowed to do anything, even in moderation and I felt like the end result was that I did not have a gradual introduction into adolescent life. Was a deep plunge once I went to college.

Yup. I’m not there yet but the kids with the crazy strict parents were the ones who ended up in the hospital getting their stomachs pumped when I was in college.

There’s a lot of distance between crazy strict and just outright allowing your teenage to drink and cart alcohol around with your blessing. You can be reasonable and not blow up when your kid is drinking but giving them permission to do illegal things is irresponsible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you everyone, I am definitely taking it seriously. I talked to her and she said that she was absolutely not drinking alone and that the cans were left over from when friends and/or boyfriend have been over.

She has not had a large gathering lately but has had individual friends (1-2 at a time) over at different points the past few weekends. We talked about drinking rules and boundaries, health consequences. I'm not going to just accept her word blindly but will continue to monitor room, behavior etc. DH and I will talk about consequences tonight.

Some posters noted that I was blase about her drinking at parties. I think it is a very delicate balance bw completely forbidding something and talking about how to drink responsibly at parties. I'm still figuring out the right equilibrium--I do not want to go the extreme of how my mother grew up. No drinking, no dating, etc bc I felt like I had a tougher time figuring out parameters in college and I lied to my mother about everything.

Sorry, meant to say how I grew up in an overly strict environment. I wasn't allowed to do anything, even in moderation and I felt like the end result was that I did not have a gradual introduction into adolescent life. Was a deep plunge once I went to college.

This idea they need to "learn" to drink at home with you to somehow not drink in excess later. The evidence really doesn't support this idea. The earlier kids start drinking the more likely they are to be problematic drinkers later on. Not the other way around.

Not even close to the truth, not even anecdotally, much less statistically.

Proper parenting is teaching how to indulge in things like alcohol, candy, carbs, diet in general, staying up late, attending parties, etc. but doing it responsibly so it doesn't affect one's health.

Perhaps you have experience with poor instruction or poor parenting, but that's a different topic.

Kids who are forbidden the fruit, alway overindulge once they are "kicked out" of the house.

The options are not limited to either forbidding fruit or facilitating indulgence in it. Truthful and direct discussion of how disproportionately alcohol harms a brain that is not yet at maturity—and not supporting that harm—are also options.

Brains are never "at maturity." Learn more. They remain "plastic" as is commonly referenced, but even that's not really a good term.
A brain is an organ, and they are always repairing and changing.

They have spurts of neurological changes all throughout life and lulls as well. It's more hormone related.

I’m aware that this is all true, but it’s also a dodge of the main point. The evidence is clear that drinking as a teenager is bad for the brain, in ways that are more exaggerated than the ways that it is bad for adults. Clearly stating this and backing it up with one’s own behavior is entry-level parenting, down there with “fasten your seatbelts or this car isn’t going anywhere.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid would no longer have a "storage room"? and would also no longer be going to prom. Doing things that are illegal is not allowed, regardless of how many other people are doing them.

+100
So many parents on this board seem to be speaking from a place of nostalgia as they recall their own shenanigans and they just dismiss any concern and think it’s really not a big deal at all because “teens are gonna party”—but this attitude just screams white privilege honestly and tells me yall don’t understand what getting busted for illegal activity and charged with MIP will do to your child’s record.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you everyone, I am definitely taking it seriously. I talked to her and she said that she was absolutely not drinking alone and that the cans were left over from when friends and/or boyfriend have been over.

She has not had a large gathering lately but has had individual friends (1-2 at a time) over at different points the past few weekends. We talked about drinking rules and boundaries, health consequences. I'm not going to just accept her word blindly but will continue to monitor room, behavior etc. DH and I will talk about consequences tonight.

Some posters noted that I was blase about her drinking at parties. I think it is a very delicate balance bw completely forbidding something and talking about how to drink responsibly at parties. I'm still figuring out the right equilibrium--I do not want to go the extreme of how my mother grew up. No drinking, no dating, etc bc I felt like I had a tougher time figuring out parameters in college and I lied to my mother about everything.

Sorry, meant to say how I grew up in an overly strict environment. I wasn't allowed to do anything, even in moderation and I felt like the end result was that I did not have a gradual introduction into adolescent life. Was a deep plunge once I went to college.

Yup. I’m not there yet but the kids with the crazy strict parents were the ones who ended up in the hospital getting their stomachs pumped when I was in college.

There’s a lot of distance between crazy strict and just outright allowing your teenage to drink and cart alcohol around with your blessing. You can be reasonable and not blow up when your kid is drinking but giving them permission to do illegal things is irresponsible.

Drinking is not illegal with parental approval/supervision. It's even legal for kids of any age to order alcholic drinks in bars in like 7-10 states, as long as the parent or legal guardian is with them.