found empty bottles of alcohol in teen's daughter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you everyone, I am definitely taking it seriously. I talked to her and she said that she was absolutely not drinking alone and that the cans were left over from when friends and/or boyfriend have been over.

She has not had a large gathering lately but has had individual friends (1-2 at a time) over at different points the past few weekends. We talked about drinking rules and boundaries, health consequences. I'm not going to just accept her word blindly but will continue to monitor room, behavior etc. DH and I will talk about consequences tonight.

Some posters noted that I was blase about her drinking at parties. I think it is a very delicate balance bw completely forbidding something and talking about how to drink responsibly at parties. I'm still figuring out the right equilibrium--I do not want to go the extreme of how my mother grew up. No drinking, no dating, etc bc I felt like I had a tougher time figuring out parameters in college and I lied to my mother about everything.

Sorry, meant to say how I grew up in an overly strict environment. I wasn't allowed to do anything, even in moderation and I felt like the end result was that I did not have a gradual introduction into adolescent life. Was a deep plunge once I went to college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you everyone, I am definitely taking it seriously. I talked to her and she said that she was absolutely not drinking alone and that the cans were left over from when friends and/or boyfriend have been over.

She has not had a large gathering lately but has had individual friends (1-2 at a time) over at different points the past few weekends. We talked about drinking rules and boundaries, health consequences. I'm not going to just accept her word blindly but will continue to monitor room, behavior etc. DH and I will talk about consequences tonight.

Some posters noted that I was blase about her drinking at parties. I think it is a very delicate balance bw completely forbidding something and talking about how to drink responsibly at parties. I'm still figuring out the right equilibrium--I do not want to go the extreme of how my mother grew up. No drinking, no dating, etc bc I felt like I had a tougher time figuring out parameters in college and I lied to my mother about everything.

Except I think you're expecting a lot from your teen to understand that mom is okay with drinking at a party, but not okay other times. How many friends constitute a party so that it's okay? Just other houses but not your house? It's a really messy message. Saying "don't drink, it's illegal" and maybe turning a blind eye is probably easier for teens to understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you everyone, I am definitely taking it seriously. I talked to her and she said that she was absolutely not drinking alone and that the cans were left over from when friends and/or boyfriend have been over.

She has not had a large gathering lately but has had individual friends (1-2 at a time) over at different points the past few weekends. We talked about drinking rules and boundaries, health consequences. I'm not going to just accept her word blindly but will continue to monitor room, behavior etc. DH and I will talk about consequences tonight.

Some posters noted that I was blase about her drinking at parties. I think it is a very delicate balance bw completely forbidding something and talking about how to drink responsibly at parties. I'm still figuring out the right equilibrium--I do not want to go the extreme of how my mother grew up. No drinking, no dating, etc bc I felt like I had a tougher time figuring out parameters in college and I lied to my mother about everything.

It does not seem like typical behavior for groups of 2 and 3 friends or her and her boyfriend to kick back and have a drink or two at that age. What were they doing when they were over? Teens drink at parties. That doesn't really pass the laugh test to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you everyone, I am definitely taking it seriously. I talked to her and she said that she was absolutely not drinking alone and that the cans were left over from when friends and/or boyfriend have been over.

She has not had a large gathering lately but has had individual friends (1-2 at a time) over at different points the past few weekends. We talked about drinking rules and boundaries, health consequences. I'm not going to just accept her word blindly but will continue to monitor room, behavior etc. DH and I will talk about consequences tonight.

Some posters noted that I was blase about her drinking at parties. I think it is a very delicate balance bw completely forbidding something and talking about how to drink responsibly at parties. I'm still figuring out the right equilibrium--I do not want to go the extreme of how my mother grew up. No drinking, no dating, etc bc I felt like I had a tougher time figuring out parameters in college and I lied to my mother about everything.

Sorry, meant to say how I grew up in an overly strict environment. I wasn't allowed to do anything, even in moderation and I felt like the end result was that I did not have a gradual introduction into adolescent life. Was a deep plunge once I went to college.

I see this type of mindset all the time. This idea they need to "learn" to drink at home with you to somehow not drink in excess later. The evidence really doesn't support this idea. The earlier kids start drinking the more likely they are to be problematic drinkers later on. Not the other way around.

https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20240228-how-alcohol-affects-teens-and-young-adults-brains

[Anonymous]

There is just no reason to allow a 16 year old to drink at parties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you everyone, I am definitely taking it seriously. I talked to her and she said that she was absolutely not drinking alone and that the cans were left over from when friends and/or boyfriend have been over.

She has not had a large gathering lately but has had individual friends (1-2 at a time) over at different points the past few weekends. We talked about drinking rules and boundaries, health consequences. I'm not going to just accept her word blindly but will continue to monitor room, behavior etc. DH and I will talk about consequences tonight.

Some posters noted that I was blase about her drinking at parties. I think it is a very delicate balance bw completely forbidding something and talking about how to drink responsibly at parties. I'm still figuring out the right equilibrium--I do not want to go the extreme of how my mother grew up. No drinking, no dating, etc bc I felt like I had a tougher time figuring out parameters in college and I lied to my mother about everything.

Sorry, meant to say how I grew up in an overly strict environment. I wasn't allowed to do anything, even in moderation and I felt like the end result was that I did not have a gradual introduction into adolescent life. Was a deep plunge once I went to college.

I didn't drink in high school at all and went to college and was not a heavy drinker. Drank socially. I think some people are going to do the deep plunge no matter when they start. So the issue really is when will they do this. Doing it earlier is not a better thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you everyone, I am definitely taking it seriously. I talked to her and she said that she was absolutely not drinking alone and that the cans were left over from when friends and/or boyfriend have been over.

She has not had a large gathering lately but has had individual friends (1-2 at a time) over at different points the past few weekends. We talked about drinking rules and boundaries, health consequences. I'm not going to just accept her word blindly but will continue to monitor room, behavior etc. DH and I will talk about consequences tonight.

Some posters noted that I was blase about her drinking at parties. I think it is a very delicate balance bw completely forbidding something and talking about how to drink responsibly at parties. I'm still figuring out the right equilibrium--I do not want to go the extreme of how my mother grew up. No drinking, no dating, etc bc I felt like I had a tougher time figuring out parameters in college and I lied to my mother about everything.

Sorry, meant to say how I grew up in an overly strict environment. I wasn't allowed to do anything, even in moderation and I felt like the end result was that I did not have a gradual introduction into adolescent life. Was a deep plunge once I went to college.

Yup. I’m not there yet but the kids with the crazy strict parents were the ones who ended up in the hospital getting their stomachs pumped when I was in college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you everyone, I am definitely taking it seriously. I talked to her and she said that she was absolutely not drinking alone and that the cans were left over from when friends and/or boyfriend have been over.

She has not had a large gathering lately but has had individual friends (1-2 at a time) over at different points the past few weekends. We talked about drinking rules and boundaries, health consequences. I'm not going to just accept her word blindly but will continue to monitor room, behavior etc. DH and I will talk about consequences tonight.

Some posters noted that I was blase about her drinking at parties. I think it is a very delicate balance bw completely forbidding something and talking about how to drink responsibly at parties. I'm still figuring out the right equilibrium--I do not want to go the extreme of how my mother grew up. No drinking, no dating, etc bc I felt like I had a tougher time figuring out parameters in college and I lied to my mother about everything.

Sorry, meant to say how I grew up in an overly strict environment. I wasn't allowed to do anything, even in moderation and I felt like the end result was that I did not have a gradual introduction into adolescent life. Was a deep plunge once I went to college.

Yup. I’m not there yet but the kids with the crazy strict parents were the ones who ended up in the hospital getting their stomachs pumped when I was in college.

In my dorm it was the girl who had been a massive partier at her boarding school.

[Anonymous]

I think it's unlikely that it's from having a few friends over as she claims. I would be so so concerned, OP. Like, I would say no more drinking, urine test, etc. Odds are that she has a problem or is developing a problem. I echo that ALL the literature debunks the 'better to try at home or while in high school' crowd. The longer that adolescents postpone sex and drinking, the better the result, without question. Of course there are some people who drink in high school and end up fine, but statistically, it's not the way to go. I say this gently but I think you are being naïve. If it's nothing and she's not addicted, it shouldn't be a big deal for her to stop and take urine tests or breathalyzers. If it's a problem, as I suspect, you will realize it and be able to address it. I wish you luck, sincerely but I think being chill about this is 1000% the wrong way to go. She has proven she can't be trusted in this regard. Make her earn back the trust.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you everyone, I am definitely taking it seriously. I talked to her and she said that she was absolutely not drinking alone and that the cans were left over from when friends and/or boyfriend have been over.

She has not had a large gathering lately but has had individual friends (1-2 at a time) over at different points the past few weekends. We talked about drinking rules and boundaries, health consequences. I'm not going to just accept her word blindly but will continue to monitor room, behavior etc. DH and I will talk about consequences tonight.

Some posters noted that I was blase about her drinking at parties. I think it is a very delicate balance bw completely forbidding something and talking about how to drink responsibly at parties. I'm still figuring out the right equilibrium--I do not want to go the extreme of how my mother grew up. No drinking, no dating, etc bc I felt like I had a tougher time figuring out parameters in college and I lied to my mother about everything.

Sorry, meant to say how I grew up in an overly strict environment. I wasn't allowed to do anything, even in moderation and I felt like the end result was that I did not have a gradual introduction into adolescent life. Was a deep plunge once I went to college.

I see this type of mindset all the time. This idea they need to "learn" to drink at home with you to somehow not drink in excess later. The evidence really doesn't support this idea. The earlier kids start drinking the more likely they are to be problematic drinkers later on. Not the other way around.

https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20240228-how-alcohol-affects-teens-and-young-adults-brains

+1

OP, authoritative parenting isn't the same as authoritarian parenting.

https://www.niaaa.nih.gov/publications/brochures-and-fact-sheets/parenting-prevent-childhood-alcohol-use

https://news.northeastern.edu/2024/06/21/parenting-styles-teen-drinking/

[Anonymous]

Ds went through a breakup junior year, and i found hard cider bottles in the bin. He was self medicating. We had a long chat about not turning to alcohol when upset. He went through an even worse breakup this year, and as far as we know, he didn't turn to booze. I worry so much about my kids mental health.

[Anonymous]

I understand you, op, wanting to keep lines of communication open and so are willing to let your dd explain the drinking with friends/at parties while you not over react.

However as parents, I do think we have to start from no. we just kept to the truth that it is against the law. That’s it. 21 is what the law declares legal. No exceptions.

I guess we got lucky.

I also had many conversations about how it’s not legal, drugs are dangerous, etc. BUT if you ever do make a choice to do either and find yourself or your friends in a situation where you are drunk/ there are drugs….you can call me. No questions asked, not punished, just will get you home. Mine never did but a good friends ds called her and said…come get him.

These years are so hard. Wish8ng you well!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:16 year old DD is usually responsible for her own laundry and room but with APs and exam week, I figured I would help sort her room out before prom weekend. I found bottles that look like regular seltzer but filled with vodka in them and 6-8 mostly empty spiked seltzers in her storage room. I would be less upset if she had friends over recently or a party but she has not. Does this mean she is drinking alone in her room randomly? That is terrifying to me and not sure where to proceed from here. Will clearly talk to her but not sure she will be honest. I can't believe I missed signs if she has a problem. She has numerous leadership roles at school, straight As, and wakes up early to go to school for various commitments. I've had zero indication of a drinking problem. Would appreciate any advice or steps to take other than just talking to her.

Ask her where she gets it and mainly to be careful about getting alcohol from random people, even friends, as it might be bad stuff that's harmful or spiked/laced with drugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you everyone, I am definitely taking it seriously. I talked to her and she said that she was absolutely not drinking alone and that the cans were left over from when friends and/or boyfriend have been over.

She has not had a large gathering lately but has had individual friends (1-2 at a time) over at different points the past few weekends. We talked about drinking rules and boundaries, health consequences. I'm not going to just accept her word blindly but will continue to monitor room, behavior etc. DH and I will talk about consequences tonight.

Some posters noted that I was blase about her drinking at parties. I think it is a very delicate balance bw completely forbidding something and talking about how to drink responsibly at parties. I'm still figuring out the right equilibrium--I do not want to go the extreme of how my mother grew up. No drinking, no dating, etc bc I felt like I had a tougher time figuring out parameters in college and I lied to my mother about everything.

Sorry, meant to say how I grew up in an overly strict environment. I wasn't allowed to do anything, even in moderation and I felt like the end result was that I did not have a gradual introduction into adolescent life. Was a deep plunge once I went to college.

Yup. I’m not there yet but the kids with the crazy strict parents were the ones who ended up in the hospital getting their stomachs pumped when I was in college.

Not true in my experience. It was the kids who were already partying and expected to kick it up a notch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you everyone, I am definitely taking it seriously. I talked to her and she said that she was absolutely not drinking alone and that the cans were left over from when friends and/or boyfriend have been over.

She has not had a large gathering lately but has had individual friends (1-2 at a time) over at different points the past few weekends. We talked about drinking rules and boundaries, health consequences. I'm not going to just accept her word blindly but will continue to monitor room, behavior etc. DH and I will talk about consequences tonight.

Some posters noted that I was blase about her drinking at parties. I think it is a very delicate balance bw completely forbidding something and talking about how to drink responsibly at parties. I'm still figuring out the right equilibrium--I do not want to go the extreme of how my mother grew up. No drinking, no dating, etc bc I felt like I had a tougher time figuring out parameters in college and I lied to my mother about everything.

Sorry, meant to say how I grew up in an overly strict environment. I wasn't allowed to do anything, even in moderation and I felt like the end result was that I did not have a gradual introduction into adolescent life. Was a deep plunge once I went to college.

Yup. I’m not there yet but the kids with the crazy strict parents were the ones who ended up in the hospital getting their stomachs pumped when I was in college.

Not true in my experience. It was the kids who were already partying and expected to kick it up a notch.

IDK what the parents of the kid I drove to the hospital (on a night when I had been the only person not drinking) had done.

I do know what my parents had done, which was to clearly communicate that alcohol is harmful to the drinker, and disproportionately so to people who drink starting at a young age (like OP’s daughter). I bought my first drink on my 21st birthday and 30 years later I can count the number of times I have had more than two drinks in a night on one hand.

OP, your daughter is on track for an alcohol use problem, and you are enabling it.