DH always gets “sick” when there’s work to do

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ll start by saying that like a lot of women, I frequently feel like low-grade crap, whether it’s cramps, a hormonal headache, allergies, soreness, bad sleep, whatever. But I just keep going because I don’t have a choice.

DH travels about 4 days a month for work. He got back from a trip Thursday at lunchtime and this morning while we were going through the weekend errands and schedule, he announced that he’s feeling under the weather and his stomach hurts and he can commit to anything.

His mom comes for a visit on Tuesday. We have a guest room to set up, groceries to buy, kids to take places, yard work that got started last weekend and never finished, and so on. But instead he’s slunk away and says he isn’t sure if he feels well enough to run errands or work outside.

This is ridiculous, right? I was doing everything from Sunday when he left to Thursday afternoon, 6 am-midnight each day, including all of the kid stuff and pet stuff and meals and house stuff plus my own job. I am tired. I felt off and gross 24 hours into his trip, but I didn’t have the luxury of a wife doing everything while I chilled on the couch waiting to feel better.

Give me the words to call him out on this without setting up a stupid confrontation that I don’t have time for.

Why are you still married to this man? Instead of complaining, leave him and you wouldn’t have to deal with this nonsense anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No offense, but what's your plan? You're obviously resentful and irritated which is completely understandable. But are you going to do anything about it or just continue to live this way?

I can’t do anything about him. He’s shown that he doesn’t give a s—t. I guess it leaves me with the choice of do everything and not complain, or make the choice to leave.

It’s hard to entertain the latter because I’d be disrupting my kids’ lives and my financial future for what would appear to be no good reason. I’d never go around telling people I left DH because he was lazy and selfish about his time. Wish I could.

Then suck it up. This is a “You” problem.

[Anonymous]

You can’t let an elderly woman come stay at your house with no bed to sleep in, don’t be ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Call him out. Tell him you see the pattern that he is conveniently sick whenever he has an adult responsibility to handle and you're not accommodating it any longer. And he needs to cancel his mom's visit because you're not carrying the water for that.

His response was “I can’t help it if I’m sick. You act like it’s my fault.”

It feels like he is using this as an ironclad get-out-of-jail-free card because if I ask a sick person to step up then I’m an inconsiderate jerk.

Then you make it a part of the plans in advance. Figure out the MIL thing this time however you can (you suck it up and do it, or you realize you have to postpone it, whatever works better for you), but change things for next time.

His mother wants to come again? You make plans but insist on a backup plan "if he gets sick."
You have a home project to do? Make sure there is a backup plan "if he gets sick."
You are going on vacation with the kids? Know what the plan is -- also -- for "if he gets sick."

Maybe everything gets prep work done two weeks in advance instead of two days. Maybe the plan is that you pay someone else to do it. But the backup plan can't always be that you do all the work.

You don't have to be mean or condescending about it. But if there is a pattern, then it needs to be tackled differently.

[Anonymous]

Leave all the stuff related to his mom to him. Let him figure out and buy the groceries for the meals you'd cook unless they're things you'd normally do. Let him clean the guest room (wash the sheets, vacuum, do the bathroom, etc.). Let him finish the outside work when he can or hire someone to do it.

If you can't count on your partner, you need to organize your life such that you can get done the things you care about and that have to be done, hire out whatever you can, and let him "help" as he can. I, for one, couldn't care less about landscaping (we have gardeners so this isn't an issue), so if my husband wasn't doing the yard I'd either live with it until the HOA sent a notice and then let him deal with it or I'd hire the work out.

We are each responsible for our own families, so while I would offer to help with things, say making the guest room bed, my husband knows it is his responsibility to get it all done. If your MIL shows up and the bed isn't made then she can take it up with her son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him if he isn't well, you need to cancel his mom coming.

+1

+1000. Don't do any more than you absolutely have to. Let his mom deal. She may not mind as much as you think anyway.

I think she’ll mind. We moved a couple of months ago and all of the guest room furniture is still wrapped in moving blankets in a corner of the room and there is protective paper and plastic everywhere where DH was going to start a project in that room. So it’s not accessible or usable even for just sleeping.

MONTHS? You have been living with your guest room like that for months?!? What has been going on that you haven't done unpacked that room yet? That would drive me nuts, but to each their own I guess.

Your MIL can reschedule or stay in a hotel or your husband can do the room. Those are your options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Call him out. Tell him you see the pattern that he is conveniently sick whenever he has an adult responsibility to handle and you're not accommodating it any longer. And he needs to cancel his mom's visit because you're not carrying the water for that.

His response was “I can’t help it if I’m sick. You act like it’s my fault.”

It feels like he is using this as an ironclad get-out-of-jail-free card because if I ask a sick person to step up then I’m an inconsiderate jerk.

He is right that he can't help it if he is sick. But that means that things need to be adapted to the current situation. So, his mom doesn't come and the you hire someone to do the yard work since you can't handle his inability to do it when it needs to be done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d you are going form 6am to midnight, that is your choice not his. Not excusing his behavior, but you can’t use your poor time management in the argument.

Get up, make food, walk dog, get kids to school, work, sports practice, dinner, laundry, more work. That sounds normal to me if there’s only one adult to do meals/dishes/dog walk/bedtime?

My usual day ends at 10 pm and that’s with another adult home. When they’re not home, it could easily go another 90 minutes-2 hours depending on the day of the week.

When my husband or I travel for work the other makes things easier on themselves to the extent possible. So could your kids eat cereal or Eggos for breakfast so you're not making fried eggs in the morning when it's just you? Can you hire a dog walker to help out when your husband is gone? Can you have someone carpool with you to sports practice? Can you do the critical loads of laundry and leave the other things for later? Can you try to take it easier at work during that time?

I get it, I also work a full-time job and my husband is a 50% partner (although I'm not sure yours is even he's home and not sick...), so when he's gone my life is a lot harder, but then I do things to make stuff easier to the extent possible. Do we pick up Cava for dinner on the way home from sports rather than making dinner? Yep, and that's ok (with me anyway). See what you can do to simplify things so you're not running so hard when he's gone. And don't schedule things like a MIL visit for after he gets back from a work trip - she can come another time or you can find her a good hotel she can stay at.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No offense, but what's your plan? You're obviously resentful and irritated which is completely understandable. But are you going to do anything about it or just continue to live this way?

I can’t do anything about him. He’s shown that he doesn’t give a s—t. I guess it leaves me with the choice of do everything and not complain, or make the choice to leave.

It’s hard to entertain the latter because I’d be disrupting my kids’ lives and my financial future for what would appear to be no good reason. I’d never go around telling people I left DH because he was lazy and selfish about his time. Wish I could.

Why not? I'd never be married to someone like that. He has zero respect for you.

I get not wanting to blow up your kids' lives, and that's valid, so I would hire out what you can, plan like he won't be a participant in your life, and see how that goes.

[Anonymous]

1. "Your mother is 81 years old. It is not safe for her to come given you are so ill and who knows what bug you picked up on the plane"
2. "I have been going from 6am to midnight for the past X days. This is not sustainable for me. I need a break, so I am going out for a few hours. See you later."

[Anonymous]

OP doesn’t want to listen to our advice. Instead of standing up for herself and leave that lazy man, she decided to do nothing. She wasted our time.
Come back when you are ready to solve the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him if he isn't well, you need to cancel his mom coming.

+1

+1000. Don't do any more than you absolutely have to. Let his mom deal. She may not mind as much as you think anyway.

I think she’ll mind. We moved a couple of months ago and all of the guest room furniture is still wrapped in moving blankets in a corner of the room and there is protective paper and plastic everywhere where DH was going to start a project in that room. So it’s not accessible or usable even for just sleeping.

His mom, his problem.

Everyone here always talks a big game but I doubt most people would have the guts or cruelty to lead an elderly woman to an unprepared guest room after a long flight just to try to make a point about their DH’s behavior.

Apparently, her son does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him if he isn't well, you need to cancel his mom coming.

+1

+1000. Don't do any more than you absolutely have to. Let his mom deal. She may not mind as much as you think anyway.

I think she’ll mind. We moved a couple of months ago and all of the guest room furniture is still wrapped in moving blankets in a corner of the room and there is protective paper and plastic everywhere where DH was going to start a project in that room. So it’s not accessible or usable even for just sleeping.

MONTHS? You have been living with your guest room like that for months?!? What has been going on that you haven't done unpacked that room yet? That would drive me nuts, but to each their own I guess.

Your MIL can reschedule or stay in a hotel or your husband can do the room. Those are your options.

We had repairs to duct work and remediation in the attic. The attic entrance is just outside the guest room door so that side of the stair landing was completely blocked by plastic and stuff for 6 weeks (the project is still going but the workers don’t come back until the 13th so I had them remove all of the protective stuff). There was a lot of dust and debris so it made sense to cover everything in the guest room and close it off vs. setting it up and risking dust everywhere.

[Anonymous]

I think OP is a troll. Too much extraneous detail. No focus on problem solving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he has too much fun on those work trips

He had a lot of fun. From what he told me, they had 3 fancy dinners, one at the special chef’s table in the restaurant kitchen. Also a team outing on a boat. In spite of having no beds to make, no dishes to do, and no commute because his hotel was adjacent to the firm’s office in that city, he still had “no time” to reply to the 2 texts I sent him over the course of 4 days with requests for important information that he had which access to and would take all of 30 seconds to pull up. I wish I could take myself completely offline from family life whenever I wanted to focus on work or felt tired.

I got home from taking the kids to an activity and running what errands I could today and he was cooking himself an elaborate lunch while playing on his phone and watching sports.

Truly debilitating stomach bug. Pray for his health.

Meh, it's work travel. No matter how "fancy" the dinners, etc, work travel is always exhausting.

This I used to do a ton of work travel centered mostly around entertaining via fancy lunches and dinners.
Celebrity chefs, renting out entire restaurants for parties of10, custom menus etc. It’s miserable and nothing relaxing about it.

I would have given anything to be home with my wife.