DH always gets “sick” when there’s work to do

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him if he isn't well, you need to cancel his mom coming.

+1

+1000. Don't do any more than you absolutely have to. Let his mom deal. She may not mind as much as you think anyway.

I think she’ll mind. We moved a couple of months ago and all of the guest room furniture is still wrapped in moving blankets in a corner of the room and there is protective paper and plastic everywhere where DH was going to start a project in that room. So it’s not accessible or usable even for just sleeping.

His mom, his problem.

Everyone here always talks a big game but I doubt most people would have the guts or cruelty to lead an elderly woman to an unprepared guest room after a long flight just to try to make a point about their DH’s behavior.

You're just making things up, you have no idea how long the travel is or whether she's really elderly.

Don't make MIL do this herself, but leave it until the last possible time, so like the afternoon or evening of her arrival, to see if he overcomes his sickness. Tell her "DH has been sick so your room isn't ready." And then see if he is ashamed enough to get off his butt.

OP. She’s coming from Vancouver BC and she’s 81. So yeah, this wasn’t far off. She is relatively old and it’s a long trip.

DH is picking her up straight from his work day so he won’t be able to prep anything before she arrives if he waits until the day of. We’ll see how this plays out, I guess?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ll start by saying that like a lot of women, I frequently feel like low-grade crap, whether it’s cramps, a hormonal headache, allergies, soreness, bad sleep, whatever. But I just keep going because I don’t have a choice.

DH travels about 4 days a month for work. He got back from a trip Thursday at lunchtime and this morning while we were going through the weekend errands and schedule, he announced that he’s feeling under the weather and his stomach hurts and he can commit to anything.

His mom comes for a visit on Tuesday. We have a guest room to set up, groceries to buy, kids to take places, yard work that got started last weekend and never finished, and so on. But instead he’s slunk away and says he isn’t sure if he feels well enough to run errands or work outside.

This is ridiculous, right? I was doing everything from Sunday when he left to Thursday afternoon, 6 am-midnight each day, including all of the kid stuff and pet stuff and meals and house stuff plus my own job. I am tired. I felt off and gross 24 hours into his trip, but I didn’t have the luxury of a wife doing everything while I chilled on the couch waiting to feel better.

Give me the words to call him out on this without setting up a stupid confrontation that I don’t have time for.

Sounds like he may have been exposed to a lot more germs traveling that you were. Stop keeping score. If stuff doesn't get done because he won't do it, it doesn't always have to get done.

Lots of things don’t have to get done, but I think a functioning bed is improrant for hosting any visiting adult. Some PPs really like to trot out the trope of “none of this is necessary” to criticize women when men drop the ball.

I can’t imagine how they live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m so glad my dh isn’t a baby like this. I don’t think I would find that attractive at all.

Since you're so sick, I guess you don't feel well enough for the sex I was going to give you. Oh well, too bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him if he isn't well, you need to cancel his mom coming.

+1

+1000. Don't do any more than you absolutely have to. Let his mom deal. She may not mind as much as you think anyway.

I think she’ll mind. We moved a couple of months ago and all of the guest room furniture is still wrapped in moving blankets in a corner of the room and there is protective paper and plastic everywhere where DH was going to start a project in that room. So it’s not accessible or usable even for just sleeping.

His mom, his problem.

Everyone here always talks a big game but I doubt most people would have the guts or cruelty to lead an elderly woman to an unprepared guest room after a long flight just to try to make a point about their DH’s behavior.

You're just making things up, you have no idea how long the travel is or whether she's really elderly.

Don't make MIL do this herself, but leave it until the last possible time, so like the afternoon or evening of her arrival, to see if he overcomes his sickness. Tell her "DH has been sick so your room isn't ready." And then see if he is ashamed enough to get off his butt.

OP. She’s coming from Vancouver BC and she’s 81. So yeah, this wasn’t far off. She is relatively old and it’s a long trip.

DH is picking her up straight from his work day so he won’t be able to prep anything before she arrives if he waits until the day of. We’ll see how this plays out, I guess?

Sounds like he'll be able to prep her room when he gets back from picking her up at the airport.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he has too much fun on those work trips

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he has too much fun on those work trips

He had a lot of fun. From what he told me, they had 3 fancy dinners, one at the special chef’s table in the restaurant kitchen. Also a team outing on a boat. In spite of having no beds to make, no dishes to do, and no commute because his hotel was adjacent to the firm’s office in that city, he still had “no time” to reply to the 2 texts I sent him over the course of 4 days with requests for important information that he had which access to and would take all of 30 seconds to pull up. I wish I could take myself completely offline from family life whenever I wanted to focus on work or felt tired.

I got home from taking the kids to an activity and running what errands I could today and he was cooking himself an elaborate lunch while playing on his phone and watching sports.

Truly debilitating stomach bug. Pray for his health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he has too much fun on those work trips

He had a lot of fun. From what he told me, they had 3 fancy dinners, one at the special chef’s table in the restaurant kitchen. Also a team outing on a boat. In spite of having no beds to make, no dishes to do, and no commute because his hotel was adjacent to the firm’s office in that city, he still had “no time” to reply to the 2 texts I sent him over the course of 4 days with requests for important information that he had which access to and would take all of 30 seconds to pull up. I wish I could take myself completely offline from family life whenever I wanted to focus on work or felt tired.

I got home from taking the kids to an activity and running what errands I could today and he was cooking himself an elaborate lunch while playing on his phone and watching sports.

Truly debilitating stomach bug. Pray for his health.

Yeah .. Soooo what are you gonna’ do ?

Your husband sounds selfish

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, my husband used to pull this too. Every time there was something to be done around the house he got "sick."

We had to paint an apartment before moving out and all of a sudden he had a headache and couldn't do any work. Thank goodness for my friends who stepped up and helped out or I would have had to do it all myself.

When we moved in our new place, it needed carpet and some friends (again) came over to help cut it/lay it down. He conveniently was sick AGAIN and didn't lift a finger.

This was but one of many behaviors he exhibited which pointed to complete self--absorption and laziness.

Divorced him a couple of years later. No regrets.

You made your friends install carpet for you? Geez. I mean that is something normal people pay for.

Your friends are saying worse about you? Who asks their friends to do this kind of hard labor. You sound awful and cheap as f*ck.

[Anonymous]

OP, I hope this is the wake up call you need to work on your marriage. You sound miserable (understandably so). How are things going to change

[Anonymous]

Oh heck no. Do not do the thing. Cancel jer Trip do nothing. Lets see what he does now...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him if he isn't well, you need to cancel his mom coming.

+1

+1000. Don't do any more than you absolutely have to. Let his mom deal. She may not mind as much as you think anyway.

I think she’ll mind. We moved a couple of months ago and all of the guest room furniture is still wrapped in moving blankets in a corner of the room and there is protective paper and plastic everywhere where DH was going to start a project in that room. So it’s not accessible or usable even for just sleeping.

His mom, his problem.

Everyone here always talks a big game but I doubt most people would have the guts or cruelty to lead an elderly woman to an unprepared guest room after a long flight just to try to make a point about their DH’s behavior.

I wouldn’t be cruel to my MIL, but I definitely would not clean out this room. I would tell my husband to clear it out or get his mom a hotel room.

[Anonymous]

If I came home to my DH making himself an elaborate lunch while claiming he was too sick to clean out the guest room for his mom, we would have words right then and there. But I’m not married to someone who would do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. Leave it for him. He can get everything ready when he feels better. Don't fill the gap. Leave it for him to figure out.

Seriously. His mom, his problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Call him out. Tell him you see the pattern that he is conveniently sick whenever he has an adult responsibility to handle and you're not accommodating it any longer. And he needs to cancel his mom's visit because you're not carrying the water for that.

His response was “I can’t help it if I’m sick. You act like it’s my fault.”

It feels like he is using this as an ironclad get-out-of-jail-free card because if I ask a sick person to step up then I’m an inconsiderate jerk.

Reply: “There are levels of sickness. You say your tummy hurts but you don’t have a fever, you aren’t throwing up and you are still eating normally. So be sick and still get shit done. Otherwise you need to go to urgent care right now bc if your abdominal cramps are so bad you are literally bedridden then you might need surgery or something.”

This is the way. There's "the black lung, Pop" air-quotes "sick" and there's legitimately too unwell to function. If he's the latter, that's unfortunate. You'll need to cancel. If he's the former, he has work to do so his mom can visit. If he's unwilling to do that work, he'll need to call her to cancel. If she has a problem with that, it is literally her problem for not raising a higher-integrity human.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him if he isn't well, you need to cancel his mom coming.

+1

+1000. Don't do any more than you absolutely have to. Let his mom deal. She may not mind as much as you think anyway.

I think she’ll mind. We moved a couple of months ago and all of the guest room furniture is still wrapped in moving blankets in a corner of the room and there is protective paper and plastic everywhere where DH was going to start a project in that room. So it’s not accessible or usable even for just sleeping.

His mom, his problem.

Everyone here always talks a big game but I doubt most people would have the guts or cruelty to lead an elderly woman to an unprepared guest room after a long flight just to try to make a point about their DH’s behavior.

I wouldn't necessarily (but, honestly? For my MIL, I might! ) But I'd definitely call her and let her know why it's not going to be ready and suggest that she book herself a hotel or reschedule.

In no version of this hypothetical am I going to pick up the extra slack for my whiny not-partner. He went out and had fun while I held it down and now he wants that dynamic to continue? Nope. I'm on vacation. You're on duty. Fair's fair.