DH always gets “sick” when there’s work to do

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do these men live with themselves?

Nobody teaches them that self-esteem requires actually doing esteemable acts, so they thing they should just "love themselves" and be loved, respected, and even obeyed without doing a damned thing to earn that kind of authority over themselves.

And then they call the women who have to try to hold them accountable "nags" and worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him if he isn't well, you need to cancel his mom coming.

+1

+1000. Don't do any more than you absolutely have to. Let his mom deal. She may not mind as much as you think anyway.

I think she’ll mind. We moved a couple of months ago and all of the guest room furniture is still wrapped in moving blankets in a corner of the room and there is protective paper and plastic everywhere where DH was going to start a project in that room. So it’s not accessible or usable even for just sleeping.

He needs to deal with this. Cut him slack on everything else, but assign him this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Call him out. Tell him you see the pattern that he is conveniently sick whenever he has an adult responsibility to handle and you're not accommodating it any longer. And he needs to cancel his mom's visit because you're not carrying the water for that.

His response was “I can’t help it if I’m sick. You act like it’s my fault.”

It feels like he is using this as an ironclad get-out-of-jail-free card because if I ask a sick person to step up then I’m an inconsiderate jerk.

FWIW, if this were my DH he'd power through. Even if truly sick with a slight fever or something. He might get less done that usual, but he wouldn't be acting like a baby.

But you married this guy -- I'm guessing manipulative, whiny, immature behavior didn't come roaring out of nowhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d you are going form 6am to midnight, that is your choice not his. Not excusing his behavior, but you can’t use your poor time management in the argument.

+1

I feel some sympathy for OP's situation, but it does sound like they are martyring themselves (and probably exaggerating to do so).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he has too much fun on those work trips

He had a lot of fun. From what he told me, they had 3 fancy dinners, one at the special chef’s table in the restaurant kitchen. Also a team outing on a boat. In spite of having no beds to make, no dishes to do, and no commute because his hotel was adjacent to the firm’s office in that city, he still had “no time” to reply to the 2 texts I sent him over the course of 4 days with requests for important information that he had which access to and would take all of 30 seconds to pull up. I wish I could take myself completely offline from family life whenever I wanted to focus on work or felt tired.

I got home from taking the kids to an activity and running what errands I could today and he was cooking himself an elaborate lunch while playing on his phone and watching sports.

Truly debilitating stomach bug. Pray for his health.

Meh, it's work travel. No matter how "fancy" the dinners, etc, work travel is always exhausting.

[Anonymous]

i guess this is an different problem than most people have. most people have husbands that want to clean the garage or wash the cars when getting ready for guests or a party.

make a list. do you r items. leave his for him.

my DH is actually sick about 2 or less days per year.

i think yours is faking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he has too much fun on those work trips

He had a lot of fun. From what he told me, they had 3 fancy dinners, one at the special chef’s table in the restaurant kitchen. Also a team outing on a boat. In spite of having no beds to make, no dishes to do, and no commute because his hotel was adjacent to the firm’s office in that city, he still had “no time” to reply to the 2 texts I sent him over the course of 4 days with requests for important information that he had which access to and would take all of 30 seconds to pull up. I wish I could take myself completely offline from family life whenever I wanted to focus on work or felt tired.

I got home from taking the kids to an activity and running what errands I could today and he was cooking himself an elaborate lunch while playing on his phone and watching sports.

Truly debilitating stomach bug. Pray for his health.

Meh, it's work travel. No matter how "fancy" the dinners, etc, work travel is always exhausting.

Yeah I have no idea how sick her husband actually is, but belittling the work he actually does is unnecessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he has too much fun on those work trips

He had a lot of fun. From what he told me, they had 3 fancy dinners, one at the special chef’s table in the restaurant kitchen. Also a team outing on a boat. In spite of having no beds to make, no dishes to do, and no commute because his hotel was adjacent to the firm’s office in that city, he still had “no time” to reply to the 2 texts I sent him over the course of 4 days with requests for important information that he had which access to and would take all of 30 seconds to pull up. I wish I could take myself completely offline from family life whenever I wanted to focus on work or felt tired.

I got home from taking the kids to an activity and running what errands I could today and he was cooking himself an elaborate lunch while playing on his phone and watching sports.

Truly debilitating stomach bug. Pray for his health.

Meh, it's work travel. No matter how "fancy" the dinners, etc, work travel is always exhausting.

I was on 80% travel before kids. Yes, it was exhausting. But I was only responsible for myself. I slept on sheets I didn’t have to wash, ate food I didn’t prepare, and even if it was 11 pm, I had no one but myself to worry about once I was back in my hotel room.

I would trade that for doing work at home after bedtime while doing dishes and taking the dog out and having a kid wake up an hour after I finally fall asleep *any day.* there’s exhausted from work travel and then there’s exhausted from caregiving, and they cannot be compared.

[Anonymous]

Update: DH was feeling well enough to work on a project for his hobby while watching tv. I told him that I was glad he was feeling better and handed him the list I’ve been working with the kids on to get through our weekend chores and prep for the visit, and asked him to pick the ones he wanted and I’d do the other half.

He said that he couldn’t do any of that because he still wasn’t sure about his stomach. And then argued about to whether some of them needed to get done.

I called his bluff and said that if he was feeling that unwell again he needed to go to bed. So he’s been lying in bed wide awake for hours (he napped all morning in front of the tv) probably bored to tears.

[Anonymous]

No offense, but what's your plan? You're obviously resentful and irritated which is completely understandable. But are you going to do anything about it or just continue to live this way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No offense, but what's your plan? You're obviously resentful and irritated which is completely understandable. But are you going to do anything about it or just continue to live this way?

I can’t do anything about him. He’s shown that he doesn’t give a s—t. I guess it leaves me with the choice of do everything and not complain, or make the choice to leave.

It’s hard to entertain the latter because I’d be disrupting my kids’ lives and my financial future for what would appear to be no good reason. I’d never go around telling people I left DH because he was lazy and selfish about his time. Wish I could.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No offense, but what's your plan? You're obviously resentful and irritated which is completely understandable. But are you going to do anything about it or just continue to live this way?

I can’t do anything about him. He’s shown that he doesn’t give a s—t. I guess it leaves me with the choice of do everything and not complain, or make the choice to leave.

It’s hard to entertain the latter because I’d be disrupting my kids’ lives and my financial future for what would appear to be no good reason. I’d never go around telling people I left DH because he was lazy and selfish about his time. Wish I could.

And there it is. You've made your choice- you don't need our help then. Martyrdom must be your colour.

OP, it's a good reason. You are devaluing yourself and your children, as based on your description he is not stepping up for you OR them.

Counselling if he cares to do the work. Getting your ducks in order for divorce if not. And I'd ask him how many times he'd ever stepped up for you when you were ill. I'd then put him on blast that I'll be documenting the pattern here about how many times he is 'sick but miraculously able to do the fun stuff' if he is unaware, in order to help him become more self aware. Also mention the math of the fact that you are DOING IT ALL when he is not around (not his fault- he is literally not there). Then let him know that when he acknowledges the plan, the next step is if he cares to change it.

Not sure how well you get along with his MIL or how close you are but with mine, If I needed an assist for understanding how DH processed something, I'd be describing/letting her see the behaviour and asking for her .02 for where the hell it came from (lazy dad? maybe she thinks this is normal for men if she married a loser too and won't be able to help or tell him to man up?) and why he would be doing this. If she is close/cares about the grandkids I'd approach from that angle- that they are missing out too and he's setting a bad example of partnership, reliability, responsibility and respect. Ie if you have boys he will turn them into shiftless losers too, and if you have girls, both of you will be teaching them this is totally normal to expect zero functionality from men.

-wife who travels a lot for work and my husband's the secret for how I appear to be getting it all done. (When I'm home, I'm home and managing half the domestic front but when I'm out of town he does 100% of the work with all the kids pick ups/drop offs/homework/activities, sports coaching volunteer work and pets/household plus his own full time job. AND DOES NOT COMPLAIN). Honestly, when I come back after travel, I'm tired, but my priority is nesting, reclaiming my home, taking the workload off him and being thankful for his hard work.

[Anonymous]

I woukd tell him he either needs to cancel the visit and notify his mom, expect his mom to fix up the room if he can't or out his mom at a hotel.

I would even explain to his mom what is going on. Her response let's you know where the behavior comes from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No offense, but what's your plan? You're obviously resentful and irritated which is completely understandable. But are you going to do anything about it or just continue to live this way?

She will remain married to her husband who’s lazy and avoids housework and prob her

All for the sake of the kids and her lifestyle ..

A suffer in silence type set up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No offense, but what's your plan? You're obviously resentful and irritated which is completely understandable. But are you going to do anything about it or just continue to live this way?

I can’t do anything about him. He’s shown that he doesn’t give a s—t. I guess it leaves me with the choice of do everything and not complain, or make the choice to leave.

It’s hard to entertain the latter because I’d be disrupting my kids’ lives and my financial future for what would appear to be no good reason. I’d never go around telling people I left DH because he was lazy and selfish about his time. Wish I could.

You have a third choice: Not do everything and be okay with the mess. So everything isn’t ready for MIL when she arrives? Your husband can stay up and set the room up. Or be responsible for meals. Or whatever.

The problem is that you’re more concerned with appearances. You’re not willing to let others sit in some discomfort, so you attempt to control it all. You tell yourself that it’s okay because you don’t want others like your MIL or your kids to suffer and be put out. But this is really about you. Start by acknowledging that you even have this choice to drop the rope.