Dreading the empty nest - I need something to keep me busy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Rude” PP here,
I am sorry I caused hurt feelings, it just doesn’t seem right that a teen is willing to spend time as OP said like every afternoon after school. Look I know teens like a movie night with a parent (not all but many) or an occasional outing but regular afternoon activities together? Every day? And I know cases where teens are made to feel responsible for their parents’ feelings of loneliness and being abandoned and are shouldering this guilt in subtle ways. Everyone is like awww they love their mom but it’s guilt.
Call me whatever you want but the common complaint in my friend group is that teens are pulling away. They aren’t bad parents and they have good relationships but it’s just natural.

I’m a NP and have a junior dd. She’s super attached to me and I am admittedly worried about her having trouble when she goes away to college. I encourage her to go out with her friends, I offer to host them at our house, I’m fine with paying for social outings. I don’t always respond to her texts quickly so she grows independent from communication with me. The truth is: She is a sweet, nerdy kid; somewhat of a home body, and we just get along well. I’m not going to start fights to help her launch. Sometimes you parent who you have and not who the typical kid is. She’s not a typical teen who is pulling away, so we are going to continue to enjoy spending time with each other and I will absolutely encourage her to be with her friends and go out as much as I can. But not every teen is like the typical.

I was just going off of OPs post that SHE was worried she’d be lonely, not her DD.
I agree some kids need extra time to mature and it’s ok.

[Anonymous]

i'm also worried about my DD leaving next yr, she'a almost 17 but doesn't cook, laundry, drive, work so not sure if she's ready for college but she loves spending time with me and Dh at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Rude” PP here,
I am sorry I caused hurt feelings, it just doesn’t seem right that a teen is willing to spend time as OP said like every afternoon after school. Look I know teens like a movie night with a parent (not all but many) or an occasional outing but regular afternoon activities together? Every day? And I know cases where teens are made to feel responsible for their parents’ feelings of loneliness and being abandoned and are shouldering this guilt in subtle ways. Everyone is like awww they love their mom but it’s guilt.
Call me whatever you want but the common complaint in my friend group is that teens are pulling away. They aren’t bad parents and they have good relationships but it’s just natural.

I’m a NP and have a junior dd. She’s super attached to me and I am admittedly worried about her having trouble when she goes away to college. I encourage her to go out with her friends, I offer to host them at our house, I’m fine with paying for social outings. I don’t always respond to her texts quickly so she grows independent from communication with me. The truth is: She is a sweet, nerdy kid; somewhat of a home body, and we just get along well. I’m not going to start fights to help her launch. Sometimes you parent who you have and not who the typical kid is. She’s not a typical teen who is pulling away, so we are going to continue to enjoy spending time with each other and I will absolutely encourage her to be with her friends and go out as much as I can. But not every teen is like the typical.

I was just going off of OPs post that SHE was worried she’d be lonely, not her DD.
I agree some kids need extra time to mature and it’s ok.

I understand your comment now, thank you for clarifying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:i'm also worried about my DD leaving next yr, she'a almost 17 but doesn't cook, laundry, drive, work so not sure if she's ready for college but she loves spending time with me and Dh at home.

I’m the pp with the attached dd. You need to teach her these skills before she goes! Why aren’t you starting? My dd has been doing her own laundry since she was 11. She’s not a gourmet cook, but she can make basic things and follow a recipe for some more complicated dishes. The driving is a harder one, but do work on the other things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:i'm also worried about my DD leaving next yr, she'a almost 17 but doesn't cook, laundry, drive, work so not sure if she's ready for college but she loves spending time with me and Dh at home.

I say this with kindness, but I suggest to take a step back and reassess whether you are a parent or a friend to your teenager. As they get older and more pleasant to be around, many parents start to prioritize being a friend to their teen because they truly enjoy being around them. But you are not doing your job. It is possible to be both but you must continue to remember that as a parent it is your job to prepare your teenager to launch into the world.

This means encouraging them to learn to drive even if they seem to want to put it off. We required both our kids to learn to drive at an age appropriate time so that we could be there to supervise it and make sure they were very confident drivers before leaving home.

This means requiring your high schooler to do their own laundry. Yes, they are busy and there might be times that I pitch in, but this is a life skill they need to have.

This means teaching your high schooler to cook basic meals.

And yes, this means sometimes sacrificing “fun time” in order to set firm rules and requirements because it is in their best interest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:i'm also worried about my DD leaving next yr, she'a almost 17 but doesn't cook, laundry, drive, work so not sure if she's ready for college but she loves spending time with me and Dh at home.

I say this with kindness, but I suggest to take a step back and reassess whether you are a parent or a friend to your teenager. As they get older and more pleasant to be around, many parents start to prioritize being a friend to their teen because they truly enjoy being around them. But you are not doing your job. It is possible to be both but you must continue to remember that as a parent it is your job to prepare your teenager to launch into the world.

This means encouraging them to learn to drive even if they seem to want to put it off. We required both our kids to learn to drive at an age appropriate time so that we could be there to supervise it and make sure they were very confident drivers before leaving home.

This means requiring your high schooler to do their own laundry. Yes, they are busy and there might be times that I pitch in, but this is a life skill they need to have.

This means teaching your high schooler to cook basic meals.

And yes, this means sometimes sacrificing “fun time” in order to set firm rules and requirements because it is in their best interest.

I should add financial education to the list of must-dos. Before they leave home your child should have some sort of part time job (babysitting, lawn mowing. Etc) and experience having their own credit card. Learn to pay their bills and to budget. It is unbelievable how stunted some of the college students my kids have run into at selective colleges. Students are smart but internally have no real world skills and parents continue to enable them. It’s embarrassing for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:i'm also worried about my DD leaving next yr, she'a almost 17 but doesn't cook, laundry, drive, work so not sure if she's ready for college but she loves spending time with me and Dh at home.

I say this with kindness, but I suggest to take a step back and reassess whether you are a parent or a friend to your teenager. As they get older and more pleasant to be around, many parents start to prioritize being a friend to their teen because they truly enjoy being around them. But you are not doing your job. It is possible to be both but you must continue to remember that as a parent it is your job to prepare your teenager to launch into the world.

This means encouraging them to learn to drive even if they seem to want to put it off. We required both our kids to learn to drive at an age appropriate time so that we could be there to supervise it and make sure they were very confident drivers before leaving home.

This means requiring your high schooler to do their own laundry. Yes, they are busy and there might be times that I pitch in, but this is a life skill they need to have.

I've tried but she just is not interested in doing these things.
This means teaching your high schooler to cook basic meals.

And yes, this means sometimes sacrificing “fun time” in order to set firm rules and requirements because it is in their best interest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:i'm also worried about my DD leaving next yr, she'a almost 17 but doesn't cook, laundry, drive, work so not sure if she's ready for college but she loves spending time with me and Dh at home.

I’m the pp with the attached dd. You need to teach her these skills before she goes! Why aren’t you starting? My dd has been doing her own laundry since she was 11. She’s not a gourmet cook, but she can make basic things and follow a recipe for some more complicated dishes. The driving is a harder one, but do work on the other things.

I've tried but she's just not interested in doing these things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:i'm also worried about my DD leaving next yr, she'a almost 17 but doesn't cook, laundry, drive, work so not sure if she's ready for college but she loves spending time with me and Dh at home.

I’m the pp with the attached dd. You need to teach her these skills before she goes! Why aren’t you starting? My dd has been doing her own laundry since she was 11. She’s not a gourmet cook, but she can make basic things and follow a recipe for some more complicated dishes. The driving is a harder one, but do work on the other things.

I've tried but she's just not interested in doing these things.

Sure, bc she knows you will be there to do them. I am not “interested” in laundry - who is?! - but it still needs to get done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:i'm also worried about my DD leaving next yr, she'a almost 17 but doesn't cook, laundry, drive, work so not sure if she's ready for college but she loves spending time with me and Dh at home.

I’m the pp with the attached dd. You need to teach her these skills before she goes! Why aren’t you starting? My dd has been doing her own laundry since she was 11. She’s not a gourmet cook, but she can make basic things and follow a recipe for some more complicated dishes. The driving is a harder one, but do work on the other things.

I've tried but she's just not interested in doing these things.

I'm a single mom and that's what my DS said about every chore I taught him. I always answered, "I'm not interested in _____________ either!" Then I showed him how to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure this is the right forum, but i'm getting super anxious about my kid leaving for college this fall. We're very close and spend at least a little time together every day-- several days a week we're together from after work/ school all the way to bedtime. Just watching TV or chatting or cooking together. (She has her own life with extra curriculars and friends but she has always chosen to include time with me, too.) I don't intend to text/ call constantly. She needs to grow into her own self.

So... what am I going to do with myself?

-- I've gone through a bunch of hobbies, but I don't want to fill my house with paint and yarn and gear, all to produce amateur crafts I don't want. And I'm not generally creative/ artsy.
-- I read a ton, about as much as my eyesight can handle after a day a computer.
-- I don't really care for TV; maybe one series at a time, and not all the time.
-- I have friends, but they have lives and I don't want to saddle them with my neediness. And anyway, what do you DO other than walks and dinners?
-- My job is pretty strictly M-F, 9-5. I've found that volunteering is hard with an office schedule. And DC is a place where people seem to compete to volunteer. I've tried several times and found that even scheduling a shift (!) was hit-or-miss and just a lot like work. And my career is in the non-profit space anyway.

Save your tough love (meanness) please. I feel a bad place on the horizon and don't need to feel worse. Sincerely looking for some helpful thoughts for keeping busy and maybe even to grow a bit.

The things I'm suggesting may not work with your job/computer- but just thoughts:

1. A dog- we have a beloved dog and she's been a lifeline to every member of our family through some difficulties. Again, this may be completely out of the question with your job.
2. I do genealogy research- I'm not creative either and I like the analytical/research that goes into it. It can be time-consuming if you get down rabbit holes making it a robust hobby.
3. Take a class in something that interests you- cooking, photography, finance, etc. You could even try one of the online Masterclasses if you don't want to commit to an in-person. They have a wide variety.
4. Go to the gym 3-4 days a week if you're not already doing that.
5. Is there any place in your area that you haven't explored? Farmers market, cafe, etc.? Make a list and try to get there each weekend or twice a month.
6. You said you don't want to burden friends, which implies that you have friends. Make a once a month or twice a month plan with a few friends- that's not a burden.

My DS18 is leaving in the Fall as well. I commiserate- it's really one of the harder periods of my life. No matter what we do, it will be a transition for all of us.

I've gone through a lot of moves for DH's job-- I've found that keeping the "right" amount of busy and scheduled helps with the changes. Make sure that you are doing things that get you out of the house for awhile during the weekends. I'm prone to some depression/anxiety and being active both cognitively and physically is absolutely key to managing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:i'm also worried about my DD leaving next yr, she'a almost 17 but doesn't cook, laundry, drive, work so not sure if she's ready for college but she loves spending time with me and Dh at home.

I’m the pp with the attached dd. You need to teach her these skills before she goes! Why aren’t you starting? My dd has been doing her own laundry since she was 11. She’s not a gourmet cook, but she can make basic things and follow a recipe for some more complicated dishes. The driving is a harder one, but do work on the other things.

I've tried but she's just not interested in doing these things.

Yeah that’s not a reason to not make her do it. Neither of my kids enjoys chores. Who is? I’m not. It’s part of a healthy household. What does she enjoy doing? Yeah tell her she can’t do those things unless she helps around the house.

[Anonymous]

No advice but I feel ya- it's so quiet! We were doing ok but then the dog - went into DC's room at 4 am and started howling! A low, slow, mournful howl. This is so unusual for this dog. He normally sleeps under DC's bed. wow- it woke us up and it was so effing sad! He did it twice. thee saddest sound.

[Anonymous]

Consider going back to college yourself. Lots of colleges and universities offer free or low cost classes for retirees. I plan to do this when DD goes to college. I won’t be pursuing another degree, but enjoying the joy of learning something new.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:i'm also worried about my DD leaving next yr, she'a almost 17 but doesn't cook, laundry, drive, work so not sure if she's ready for college but she loves spending time with me and Dh at home.

I’m the pp with the attached dd. You need to teach her these skills before she goes! Why aren’t you starting? My dd has been doing her own laundry since she was 11. She’s not a gourmet cook, but she can make basic things and follow a recipe for some more complicated dishes. The driving is a harder one, but do work on the other things.

I've tried but she's just not interested in doing these things.

Yeah that’s not a reason to not make her do it. Neither of my kids enjoys chores. Who is? I’m not. It’s part of a healthy household. What does she enjoy doing? Yeah tell her she can’t do those things unless she helps around the house.

It's not that simple for her. She would get violent if we made her.