Dreading the empty nest - I need something to keep me busy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure this is the right forum, but i'm getting super anxious about my kid leaving for college this fall. We're very close and spend at least a little time together every day-- several days a week we're together from after work/ school all the way to bedtime. Just watching TV or chatting or cooking together. (She has her own life with extra curriculars and friends but she has always chosen to include time with me, too.) I don't intend to text/ call constantly. She needs to grow into her own self.

So... what am I going to do with myself?

-- I've gone through a bunch of hobbies, but I don't want to fill my house with paint and yarn and gear, all to produce amateur crafts I don't want. And I'm not generally creative/ artsy.
-- I read a ton, about as much as my eyesight can handle after a day a computer.
-- I don't really care for TV; maybe one series at a time, and not all the time.
-- I have friends, but they have lives and I don't want to saddle them with my neediness. And anyway, what do you DO other than walks and dinners?
-- My job is pretty strictly M-F, 9-5. I've found that volunteering is hard with an office schedule. And DC is a place where people seem to compete to volunteer. I've tried several times and found that even scheduling a shift (!) was hit-or-miss and just a lot like work. And my career is in the non-profit space anyway.

Save your tough love (meanness) please. I feel a bad place on the horizon and don't need to feel worse. Sincerely looking for some helpful thoughts for keeping busy and maybe even to grow a bit.

Find more friends who have time and who want to spend time together. I have 2 close friends, but they were always busy and I see them maybe once a month. I decided I want more friends. I joined a monthly book club, meetup and joined 2 hiking, 1 tennis and a social group, and I joined a hiking group through FB. I now have more friends and activities than I have tine. My kids are still young, but I want well vetted friends for when they leave. I made friends who are my age, younger and older. It is great. About 5 of them have become close friends.

Where did you find these groups? I see the one was on FB, but what about others? Thanks!

[Anonymous]

I wish there were a way for those in the same boat to connect. I’m not a single parent but my youngest is a junior and I am mentally preparing for his departure. DH is in bed by 9 and a homebody so I’d love to have friends to do things with some evenings. What I have done so far is join a book club but that’s just one evening a month. I have a number of hobbies but I’m not just looking to fill time but to build connection with others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I bet your dd doesn’t enjoy your time together as much as you think she does. She most likely does it out of guilt. You should start separating from her asap. If you don’t believe me ask this on any teen forum like a reddit sub.

WOW what a rude response to a very sweet post. Sorry your kids don't like you, I guess??

OP, I know you already kind of said no on arts ands crafts, but there are just SO MANY cool things to do now. Even if you already tried the more traditional stuff like painting and knitting, there is so much more. You could try some of those irreverent cross stitch kits, you know the kind that say something a bit off color pop culture? I made a cross stitch some years ago that was F*** Cancer for a friend who was going through it. Or try making hand made books or something like that.

Also, gardening. You already garden outdoors, try indoor hydroponics. It is so much fun and you can do so much with it.

The other thing you could do is if you don't see a meet up for empty nesters, you could start one!!

Either way your post is very sweet and it sounds like you have a nice relationship with your daughter.

[Anonymous]

1. If you have a place of worship or are open to joining one, that’s a great place to volunteer, be part of a community, etc— join the choir, work with youth, whatever suits you.

2. Consider fostering pets, or even consider foster parenting.

3. Local travel/day trips/weekend trips. Research lesser known places in the area that interest you, then plan weekend outings/trips.

4. Start writing. Poems, memoir, short stories— whatever works for you.

5. Get into birding & photography. There are groups around for these things as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I bet your dd doesn’t enjoy your time together as much as you think she does. She most likely does it out of guilt. You should start separating from her asap. If you don’t believe me ask this on any teen forum like a reddit sub.

WTF is wrong with you?

I think this poster probably has a terrible relationship with her own DD and we should ignore her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I bet your dd doesn’t enjoy your time together as much as you think she does. She most likely does it out of guilt. You should start separating from her asap. If you don’t believe me ask this on any teen forum like a reddit sub.

You sound like a snake 🐍 lying in the grass.

[Anonymous]

“Rude” PP here,
I am sorry I caused hurt feelings, it just doesn’t seem right that a teen is willing to spend time as OP said like every afternoon after school. Look I know teens like a movie night with a parent (not all but many) or an occasional outing but regular afternoon activities together? Every day? And I know cases where teens are made to feel responsible for their parents’ feelings of loneliness and being abandoned and are shouldering this guilt in subtle ways. Everyone is like awww they love their mom but it’s guilt.
Call me whatever you want but the common complaint in my friend group is that teens are pulling away. They aren’t bad parents and they have good relationships but it’s just natural.

[Anonymous]

Your kid will be home more than you think. Lots of breaks during the year and they’ll be back in early May for the summer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here

Thank you so much! These are some great ideas-- keep 'em coming.

I think one of the issues is efficiency-- I've pared and streamlined so much over the years of single parenthood that caring for the pets (we have three) and the house doesn't occupy a lot of time. Home projects were how I filled my spare time over the past few years, and the house is in great shape. I can't justify more renovating/ redecorating (although I do enjoy that) because I got everything the way I like it. My daughter and I did a lot of it together!

I'm intrigued by the idea of ballroom dancing, and I bet my boyfriend would be into it too. Or if he's not... is it open to solo participants? Not sure how much we'd like the actual thing. Got a recommendation for someplace to try? We're in Petworth.

And I do like gardening. The very small garden I have is finished (after several years of being my primary hobby) and requires only the most minimal maintenance now. I'll check to see if any of the community gardens in my area have spaces available. I looked before and they all had waitlists, but that was around the pandemic so maybe they've opened up a bit.

I'd love to join a hiking group. Any idea where to start? When I've looked before, everything I've found has been geared toward 20-somethings. Who are often fantastic people, but maybe not the vibe that would keep me going back.

Maybe I just need to form a DC empty nesters club. Maybe it exists and someone can point me in the right direction!

In addition to ballroom dancing, check out swing dancing in the area. There’s a dance promoter named Dave Muldover who used to send out a weekly email naming all of the swing dances in the area. The easiest form is East coast swing, but west coast swing is really popular in the area. There’s also Lindy Hop, which is very hard on the joints, and a local form of swing called DC Hand Dance. The hand dance lead is very distinct from other forms of swing in that there’s a lot of movement. I’d suggest starting with a few east coast swig lessons before trying west coast swing.

Here’s a few sample videos:

Jack and Jill means this is a competition where the partners are chosen at random and they don’t know the music ahead of time.


https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=APYT2kYQrVQ

I love this one because it’s very swingy and lets you see how the west coast style evolved from older friends of swing:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=sfCLysB65UI

[Anonymous]

I went through this four years ago when my twins (and only) went to college. I am married but do not have a great relationship. The first thing I did the spring before they left was to lose weight so I could get back to things I loved such as tennis and Pilates. I literally scheduled my first tennis lesson for the night we took them to school. I started Pilates that same week. I have two dogs and I love to walk them so I get out in the country every day and that helps my mental health. I work from home and I just need to get a change of venue.

My daughter and I are very close, in fact she’s home this weekend from college and we still spend tons of time together. We talk on the phone every day and text often - all driven by her. It is possible to be close to your dd and have her be away at school. They do come home often for breaks etc.

I’m now freaking out because mine will be graduating and while they will likely remain in the DC area, the thought of them not “living here” in my house really depresses me. Nothing you can do but just hope that with each new phase, there are new things to learn and do together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Rude” PP here,
I am sorry I caused hurt feelings, it just doesn’t seem right that a teen is willing to spend time as OP said like every afternoon after school. Look I know teens like a movie night with a parent (not all but many) or an occasional outing but regular afternoon activities together? Every day? And I know cases where teens are made to feel responsible for their parents’ feelings of loneliness and being abandoned and are shouldering this guilt in subtle ways. Everyone is like awww they love their mom but it’s guilt.
Call me whatever you want but the common complaint in my friend group is that teens are pulling away. They aren’t bad parents and they have good relationships but it’s just natural.

I’m a NP and have a junior dd. She’s super attached to me and I am admittedly worried about her having trouble when she goes away to college. I encourage her to go out with her friends, I offer to host them at our house, I’m fine with paying for social outings. I don’t always respond to her texts quickly so she grows independent from communication with me. The truth is: She is a sweet, nerdy kid; somewhat of a home body, and we just get along well. I’m not going to start fights to help her launch. Sometimes you parent who you have and not who the typical kid is. She’s not a typical teen who is pulling away, so we are going to continue to enjoy spending time with each other and I will absolutely encourage her to be with her friends and go out as much as I can. But not every teen is like the typical.

[Anonymous]

You have a boyfriend?! Have lots of s*x.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Rude” PP here,
I am sorry I caused hurt feelings, it just doesn’t seem right that a teen is willing to spend time as OP said like every afternoon after school. Look I know teens like a movie night with a parent (not all but many) or an occasional outing but regular afternoon activities together? Every day? And I know cases where teens are made to feel responsible for their parents’ feelings of loneliness and being abandoned and are shouldering this guilt in subtle ways. Everyone is like awww they love their mom but it’s guilt.
Call me whatever you want but the common complaint in my friend group is that teens are pulling away. They aren’t bad parents and they have good relationships but it’s just natural.

I’m a NP and have a junior dd. She’s super attached to me and I am admittedly worried about her having trouble when she goes away to college. I encourage her to go out with her friends, I offer to host them at our house, I’m fine with paying for social outings. I don’t always respond to her texts quickly so she grows independent from communication with me. The truth is: She is a sweet, nerdy kid; somewhat of a home body, and we just get along well. I’m not going to start fights to help her launch. Sometimes you parent who you have and not who the typical kid is. She’s not a typical teen who is pulling away, so we are going to continue to enjoy spending time with each other and I will absolutely encourage her to be with her friends and go out as much as I can. But not every teen is like the typical.

And I wanted to add that she’s definitely not doing it to subconsciously take care of me. I’m in a happy marriage and I have my own friends. I have a job and hobbies. Not all attached teens are doing it for some Freudian reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here

Thank you so much! These are some great ideas-- keep 'em coming.

I think one of the issues is efficiency-- I've pared and streamlined so much over the years of single parenthood that caring for the pets (we have three) and the house doesn't occupy a lot of time. Home projects were how I filled my spare time over the past few years, and the house is in great shape. I can't justify more renovating/ redecorating (although I do enjoy that) because I got everything the way I like it. My daughter and I did a lot of it together!

I'm intrigued by the idea of ballroom dancing, and I bet my boyfriend would be into it too. Or if he's not... is it open to solo participants? Not sure how much we'd like the actual thing. Got a recommendation for someplace to try? We're in Petworth.

And I do like gardening. The very small garden I have is finished (after several years of being my primary hobby) and requires only the most minimal maintenance now. I'll check to see if any of the community gardens in my area have spaces available. I looked before and they all had waitlists, but that was around the pandemic so maybe they've opened up a bit.

I'd love to join a hiking group. Any idea where to start? When I've looked before, everything I've found has been geared toward 20-somethings. Who are often fantastic people, but maybe not the vibe that would keep me going back.

Maybe I just need to form a DC empty nesters club. Maybe it exists and someone can point me in the right direction!

I’m a middle aged woman and I love (and prefer) hiking alone. I highly recommend giving it a try!

[Anonymous]

So where can I learn mahjong? Prefer NW DC. Near friendship heights area.