Does anyone else feel that trying g to be a nice person has not benefited them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve found the best way is to reverse things - I start off with extremely strict boundaries, and as people show they can respect them, I loosen them up and become nicer. If they don’t respect boundaries, I just enforce them and am never “nice”.

I own a business and have found I have to be this way with all men and Type A women. If I’m accommodating at the beginning, they learn they can talk me into things and it will never end.

This is interesting and smart advice

[Anonymous]

I try to be kind to everyone I meet but I don't believe in kindness to people who have shown me disrespect and have been less than kind to me. I can remain cordial to those people if I have to but there are those who I will go out of my way for and those who I actively avoid and simply tolerate. I think it's important to show people that kindness only goes so far as there are a lot of people out there looking to take advantage of people who they see as too nice.

But in general, I would rather die knowing that most people have a positive opinion of me vs. thinking I'm a jerk.

[Anonymous]

I try to be kind to everyone and I find it pays back all the time. It pays back often immediately with strangers, especially in everyday little snags that can become tense, and it pays back with people I know when I need a little help or grace and there’s a bank of goodwill. Plus it pays back to me from me if I feel good about making someone’s day better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I try to be kind to everyone I meet but I don't believe in kindness to people who have shown me disrespect and have been less than kind to me. I can remain cordial to those people if I have to but there are those who I will go out of my way for and those who I actively avoid and simply tolerate. I think it's important to show people that kindness only goes so far as there are a lot of people out there looking to take advantage of people who they see as too nice.

But in general, I would rather die knowing that most people have a positive opinion of me vs. thinking I'm a jerk.

This is so interesting, I have no need to show people that kindness only goes so far. If it’s someone I don’t respect, I’m actually less likely to call them out. I’m just going to try to move around them as quickly and easily as possible. I try to do it without being blatantly disingenuous. But if there’s someone who has treated me wrong, I don’t want to convince them of that or teach them anything. I just want to steer clear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve found the best way is to reverse things - I start off with extremely strict boundaries, and as people show they can respect them, I loosen them up and become nicer. If they don’t respect boundaries, I just enforce them and am never “nice”.

I own a business and have found I have to be this way with all men and Type A women. If I’m accommodating at the beginning, they learn they can talk me into things and it will never end.

Same. I find that enough men are takers, especially in a professional setting, that I need to start with firm boundaries. Women, less so. I usually start with kindness and pivot if I am being taken advantage of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I try to be kind to everyone and I find it pays back all the time. It pays back often immediately with strangers, especially in everyday little snags that can become tense, and it pays back with people I know when I need a little help or grace and there’s a bank of goodwill. Plus it pays back to me from me if I feel good about making someone’s day better.

Same

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve found the best way is to reverse things - I start off with extremely strict boundaries, and as people show they can respect them, I loosen them up and become nicer. If they don’t respect boundaries, I just enforce them and am never “nice”.

I own a business and have found I have to be this way with all men and Type A women. If I’m accommodating at the beginning, they learn they can talk me into things and it will never end.

Type A women are so tough. I actually do fine with men -- I learned to stand up to them a long time ago because my dad is a jerk and I have multiple brothers. I don't take sht from men.

Women who are very controlling, especially if done in a friendly, passive-aggressive way, have been a huge challenge for me. I find you have to assert your boundaries and keep reasserting them over and over and over. It's really exhausting.

There are a lot of women like this in DC.

[Anonymous]

I am a wife. I am quite reserved and polite with men. I also refuse to take the hint or be even slightly flirty with men.

When I meet a couple, I make it a point to only be as friendly/polite to the male, as I think the wife would accept. My attention and warmth is focussed on the woman.

With women, I try to underplay my positives. I dress modestly, and I certainly do not put myself in a position where they would feel that they need to compete with me. My conversation is always light and I show interest in the women.

My experience has been that men are not complicated and women are. Men can be pests, but women are toxic jealous competitors. I keep quite about accomplishments, wealth, SES, travel stories, conspicuous consumption. Women are very good at sussing out info by how you dress or even random innocuous comments.

My go-to entertainment at parties etc is to spend time with kids and old people.

[Anonymous]

These responses are wild. So much depends on what you think being kind means.

I think being honest and direct and fair is kind. At work I am honest and direct and fair. I am also very friendly and have a good sense of humor. It's worked really well for me. Kind doesn't mean a doormat.

In my personal life, I'm a good friend and friendly and inclusive. Kind? I don't know. I don't fall all over myself to do things for random people. But if you are one of my people, I would move heaven and earth. I am a rock.

Both above have benefitted me greatly in my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a wife. I am quite reserved and polite with men. I also refuse to take the hint or be even slightly flirty with men.

When I meet a couple, I make it a point to only be as friendly/polite to the male, as I think the wife would accept. My attention and warmth is focussed on the woman.

With women, I try to underplay my positives. I dress modestly, and I certainly do not put myself in a position where they would feel that they need to compete with me. My conversation is always light and I show interest in the women.

My experience has been that men are not complicated and women are. Men can be pests, but women are toxic jealous competitors. I keep quite about accomplishments, wealth, SES, travel stories, conspicuous consumption. Women are very good at sussing out info by how you dress or even random innocuous comments.

My go-to entertainment at parties etc is to spend time with kids and old people.

So you view all women as insecure and competition. A lot of self-loathing here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve found the best way is to reverse things - I start off with extremely strict boundaries, and as people show they can respect them, I loosen them up and become nicer. If they don’t respect boundaries, I just enforce them and am never “nice”.

I own a business and have found I have to be this way with all men and Type A women. If I’m accommodating at the beginning, they learn they can talk me into things and it will never end.

Type A women are so tough. I actually do fine with men -- I learned to stand up to them a long time ago because my dad is a jerk and I have multiple brothers. I don't take sht from men.

Women who are very controlling, especially if done in a friendly, passive-aggressive way, have been a huge challenge for me. I find you have to assert your boundaries and keep reasserting them over and over and over. It's really exhausting.

There are a lot of women like this in DC.

I have had the same issue with some women in the workplace and of course they tend to be in leadership position. It is very challenging. My current boss is like that and I try to picture calm and efficient competence that cannot be rattled. I give minimal smiles and limit my input to facts and solutions without trying too hard or seeming eager to please. Anything I do that is nice/above and beyond gets turned against me in some way so I don't do this anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just the opposite. Kindness has only improved my life. It’s the sort of person I want to be.

This. But kindness is not weakness. Don't confuse the 2.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a wife. I am quite reserved and polite with men. I also refuse to take the hint or be even slightly flirty with men.

When I meet a couple, I make it a point to only be as friendly/polite to the male, as I think the wife would accept. My attention and warmth is focussed on the woman.

With women, I try to underplay my positives. I dress modestly, and I certainly do not put myself in a position where they would feel that they need to compete with me. My conversation is always light and I show interest in the women.

My experience has been that men are not complicated and women are. Men can be pests, but women are toxic jealous competitors. I keep quite about accomplishments, wealth, SES, travel stories, conspicuous consumption. Women are very good at sussing out info by how you dress or even random innocuous comments.

My go-to entertainment at parties etc is to spend time with kids and old people.

So you are saying that you are laughably sexist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve found the best way is to reverse things - I start off with extremely strict boundaries, and as people show they can respect them, I loosen them up and become nicer. If they don’t respect boundaries, I just enforce them and am never “nice”.

I own a business and have found I have to be this way with all men and Type A women. If I’m accommodating at the beginning, they learn they can talk me into things and it will never end.

Type A women are so tough. I actually do fine with men -- I learned to stand up to them a long time ago because my dad is a jerk and I have multiple brothers. I don't take sht from men.

Women who are very controlling, especially if done in a friendly, passive-aggressive way, have been a huge challenge for me. I find you have to assert your boundaries and keep reasserting them over and over and over. It's really exhausting.

There are a lot of women like this in DC.

I’m in nyc and they’re here too. Pushy pushy pushy and controlling

[Anonymous]

Yes, I was raised to be nice and considerate. Other people were always put first. That only works if other people are kind back. It seems like people instead are very self centered and will treat you poorly even if you are kind to them. They see kindness as a weakness and attack you. So, I feel like how I was raised did not prepare me for the real world.