Does anyone else feel that trying g to be a nice person has not benefited them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It has benefited me. I recognize the bad apples very fast now. Most people are kind back, but there are a lot of hurt people out there. They just don't have it in them to be kind. They are usually messed up in many ways. It's not an easy life.

Best post in this thread. Very insightful. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know that sounds terrible and we should strive to be nice people just to be decent but I’ve found that being nice/kind has not benefited me in the least and many times has come back to bite me. Does anyone else feel the same way?

Used to feel like this when I was younger and impatient.

Don't feel like this now when I am much older, have seen most of my life play out, have seen success come to our family and to our kids in life, have much more gratitude, patience and discernment in life, I can recognize the many gifts in my life and I can feel proud of my actions when I look at myself in the mirror.

I have realized that -
- Heaven and hell are here on Earth,
- Karma is real,
- You always have to pay the piper,
- Most people don't confuse kindness and politeness with gullibility,
- Goodness and decency repels evil and indecent people from your orbit
- Life will change on a dime. Change is constant,
- A great family and a great marriage is worth it and it requires love, kindness, patience and inclusivity
- Every person has worth.

[Anonymous]

Yes I feel this way all the time and I am particularly conflicted because I'm raising a kind kid and sometimes worry I am doing her a disservice. I am working to counterbalance her kindness by making sure she knows she does not need to tolerate people mistreating her -- I don't want to raise a people pleaser.

The world is so cruel. I've really lost my mooring the last few years and am no longer sure if it even makes sense to teach kindness, empathy, etc. I feel in many ways these qualities have just made me a target over the years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I suggest reading The Charisma Myth. The book touches on what happens if our "kindness charisma" is not balanced with other ways of being.

For example, those who offer a lot of kindness might not be viewed as serious or smart by others.

That sounds like more of a problem for the “others” than it does for the kind person. What a sad life one must live to judge the intelligence of others based on their kindness.

OP, maybe instead of reading the above, you should instead read Meditations by Marcus Aurelius. Momento Mori. Life is too short to care about how “others” perceive you.

[Anonymous]

Read the "Bhagvat Gita".

It tells you how to live your life with the right actions, difference between work and duty, how to break away from dogmas and practice being humane, how to have kindness and empathy towards all, how to withdraw from evil or wrong, how to protect your soul and your well-being by strategic disengagement and how to cultivate detachment from rewards for your action and motives.

[Anonymous]

I've found looks are really what people respond to. I am naturally attractive. I can be rude and still get treated the same as if I was being pleasant.

[Anonymous]

In the big picture it has not benefited me materially. Spirituality, yes. I believe I’m doing the right things, but there are days when it’s tiresome. Days when I watch the ease that some of my friends and family who are unkind have, and it stings a bit.

[Anonymous]

I have thought this frequently throughout my life. I have just gotten better at choosing the people around me.

[Anonymous]

Yes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know that sounds terrible and we should strive to be nice people just to be decent but I’ve found that being nice/kind has not benefited me in the least and many times has come back to bite me. Does anyone else feel the same way?

Absolutely

[Anonymous]

OMG yes. My life sucks because I have been too nice, did everything the "right" way and now my life sucks and everyone I helped a long the way (was used for) is long gone and I'm alone.

[Anonymous]

I’ve never regretted choosing to treat people with kindness. I’m also not a pushover so I don’t offer things or agree to favors that I don’t actually want to do.

[Anonymous]

There's a difference between being nice and being a pushover. As Patrick Swayze as Dalton said in Roadhouse, "I want you to be nice until it's time to not be nice." Part of being nice to yourself is not allowing yourself to be taken advantage of.

[Anonymous]

I believe in taking the high road most of the time or at least giving people chances and only going there is absolutely necessary. The benefit comes from my own moral compass. That sounds so smug, but I don't mean it that way. It helps me to sleep at night and feel good about myself as a person if I know I did my part to try to be decent and give people the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes I feel no good deed goes unpunished, yet I still have the benefit of knowing I lived by my own moral code.

Of course there are times where i take the high road over and over and eventually, go highly assertive and rarely need to give what I got.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I believe in taking the high road most of the time or at least giving people chances and only going there is absolutely necessary. The benefit comes from my own moral compass. That sounds so smug, but I don't mean it that way. It helps me to sleep at night and feel good about myself as a person if I know I did my part to try to be decent and give people the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes I feel no good deed goes unpunished, yet I still have the benefit of knowing I lived by my own moral code.

Of course there are times where i take the high road over and over and eventually, go highly assertive and rarely need to give what I got.

I wanted to add though, that I have firm boundaries. So, I have gotten really good at recognizing takers and saying "no." When I do say "yes" I do it when I can honestly expect nothing in return and feel good about doing something I wanted to do to help. I don't bean count, unless it's just a person who is clearly using me.