Does anyone else feel that trying g to be a nice person has not benefited them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know that sounds terrible and we should strive to be nice people just to be decent but I’ve found that being nice/kind has not benefited me in the least and many times has come back to bite me. Does anyone else feel the same way?

I feel that way 100% in the DC area....I did not feel that way living on the West coast. People seem happier and more about caring for all people and their community.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know that sounds terrible and we should strive to be nice people just to be decent but I’ve found that being nice/kind has not benefited me in the least and many times has come back to bite me. Does anyone else feel the same way?

I am the opposite. I built an entire lucrative life on being nice. I don't have looks or intelligence, but I am in sales have done extremely well by just being nice, listening to people, and not disappointing them. I got my first real job because the woman who hired me said I was the nicest person she met in the interview process.

[Anonymous]

Yes OP. That old saying rings true..." Nice guys finish last". I have always been " Midwestern nice". I am tired of it.

[Anonymous]

I have done multiple acts of kindness that were not appreciated; though to be fair I did not advertise my role in, for example, helping someone keep their job. It still hurt when that someone threw me under the bus at my most vulnerable.
OTOH I have received life-changing help from unexpected sources, so I guess it balances out.

I have become more judicious in jumping to aid.

[Anonymous]

Yes but I don’t know any other way to be. What really upsets me and leaves me resentful is that I try to do the right thing, be helpful, follow rules and not gossip and then watch others behave horribly, face no consequences and get ahead. For example, there’s a mom I’ve known for 11 years who spreads horrible rumors about friends and classmates of our kids. Yet she has a big social circle that used to include me until I made it clear that I didn’t want to hear these things. She is also a real estate agent and gossips about neighbors (some who she has represented) and spreads lies about her business competition, yet her business is booming. I used to think karma gets people like this but it doesn’t. We all see that there are horrible public figures in society who get away with things nobody else ever would.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know, but I once told my pre teen how we should be nice and he asked what good my niceness ever brought me. Made me think!
I started letting analyzing it and often my niceness is simply fear of others’ wrath. I don’t even want to please them; I just want them to not be mad at me. I realized it was some trauma coping and let go of some of my niceness, and it’s been great. I now ignore the neighbors I don’t like or just don’t care for (I used to say hi and they wouldn’t always say hi back). I am not so nice on the road (not rude but not nice either). Same with random people I see out and about. Saves me a lot of mental effort it turns out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes but I don’t know any other way to be. What really upsets me and leaves me resentful is that I try to do the right thing, be helpful, follow rules and not gossip and then watch others behave horribly, face no consequences and get ahead. For example, there’s a mom I’ve known for 11 years who spreads horrible rumors about friends and classmates of our kids. Yet she has a big social circle that used to include me until I made it clear that I didn’t want to hear these things. She is also a real estate agent and gossips about neighbors (some who she has represented) and spreads lies about her business competition, yet her business is booming. I used to think karma gets people like this but it doesn’t. We all see that there are horrible public figures in society who get away with things nobody else ever would.

I’ve read a whole book about gossip as social glue when I was in college. Turns out people don’t trust those who refuse to participate in gossip. Not saying it’s great but it’s life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know that sounds terrible and we should strive to be nice people just to be decent but I’ve found that being nice/kind has not benefited me in the least and many times has come back to bite me. Does anyone else feel the same way?

There is a book Nice Girls Get Fat that I've read about 15 years ago. It helped me realize that I need to protect my boundaries more.

[Anonymous]

I’ve found the best way is to reverse things - I start off with extremely strict boundaries, and as people show they can respect them, I loosen them up and become nicer. If they don’t respect boundaries, I just enforce them and am never “nice”.

I own a business and have found I have to be this way with all men and Type A women. If I’m accommodating at the beginning, they learn they can talk me into things and it will never end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes I feel this way all the time and I am particularly conflicted because I'm raising a kind kid and sometimes worry I am doing her a disservice. I am working to counterbalance her kindness by making sure she knows she does not need to tolerate people mistreating her -- I don't want to raise a people pleaser.

The world is so cruel. I've really lost my mooring the last few years and am no longer sure if it even makes sense to teach kindness, empathy, etc. I feel in many ways these qualities have just made me a target over the years.

I am nice but a lot of it comes from trying to avoid angering others. It’s like survival and probably comes from my childhood idk
I am not forcing niceness too much on my kid. I keep seeing nice kids being low key bullied or just ignored

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've found looks are really what people respond to. I am naturally attractive. I can be rude and still get treated the same as if I was being pleasant.

I’ve noticed it with teens I come in contact with thru work. It’s sad and eye opening

[Anonymous]

I’m Midwest nice and it has definitely hurt me. Just not as aggressive and self-promoting as others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The increasing economic inequality leads to people being more competitive and less nice - basically walking over people who are nice.

Interesting, I’ve noticed people are less nice to those they don’t know well in countries that are poor. They can open up once they see you as a friend but not in casual interactions.

[Anonymous]

Kindness is love. And different people like to give loving kindness in different ways. So just stick to your love language, and being loving and kind will be natural, pleasing, and beneficial.

[Anonymous]

I’m good with being nice generally but I’ve started getting really cranky about people who are rude, bossy and/or pushy, and who have lived their entire lives with no one really calling them on it (or so I assume).

In the past I’d ‘take the high road’ and ‘kill them with kindness’, but I’m sort of over that right now (albeit not at work obviously… I’m not a total idiot). I’ve started responding to people in kind more often - eg, if a random stranger is bossy and gives me some uninvited instruction on the street, I’ll give them one right back; if someone I know regularly and rudely interrupts and talks over people, I’ll do it right back to them.

I’ve noticed these sorts of people go absolutely NUTS when you give them a taste of their own medicine.