Husband suddenly not interested in being a parent or spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he's not having an affair, he is depressed. He needs individual therapy stat.

He doesn’t seem depressed. He seems angry. But who knows. I can’t force him to go.

Depression commonly presents as low level anger and irritability in men.

This. I'd suspect depression more than an affair, and I'd be concerned about him, OP. Maybe his new job isn't going well and he can't take the stress?

[Anonymous]

This is what my spouse suddenly did after 20 years. Relocation and new job. Yep, affair that took me almost a year to flesh out. Mostly not interested in DD. The affair has been outed, but he continues to deny and deflect (DARVO). He’s interested in DD on his terms, usually not at all, and indifferent or hostile to me, depending on his mood. He even told DD she has a PD day two weeks after she has one - of course that day is a PD day in the area I suspect his AP lives in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask to see his phone. If he balks you have your answer right there.

Most of them are pretty smart. They’ll use a secondary device (even a work phone) or use apps like Telegram and WhatsApp, and hide them. They’ll do other stupidly obvious things, but they know how to hide stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Definitely affair territory. And men are likely to want to overthrow their current family and start a new one ... Keep an eye out and listen to your gut!!

It’s this.
Stop asking him what’s wrong and nagging and accusing.
Just start treating him the way you did before he was “yours”—
I know I’ll get pushback for saying this, but it’s really often as simple as that.
Engage. Attend. Be present FOR HiM and behave in ways that make him want to be around you more, not less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he's not having an affair, he is depressed. He needs individual therapy stat.

He doesn’t seem depressed. He seems angry. But who knows. I can’t force him to go.

Depression commonly presents as low level anger and irritability in men.

This. I'd suspect depression more than an affair, and I'd be concerned about him, OP. Maybe his new job isn't going well and he can't take the stress?

Maybe he got fired from it or it never existed. Op, get copies of bank statements, retirement account info, etc. and go see a lawyer or two. Be ahead of whatever is coming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reading his kids a bedtime story gets in the way of sitting in the basement sexting his AP.

As someone who told myself he would never even when he was basically living in "the basement" and suddenly nasty to me all the time, I say to myself "you idiot!"

Well, there is that horribly accurate meme that as soon as you say “he would never! Here he comes, never in like he nevered before”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Definitely affair territory. And men are likely to want to overthrow their current family and start a new one ... Keep an eye out and listen to your gut!!

It’s this.
Stop asking him what’s wrong and nagging and accusing.
Just start treating him the way you did before he was “yours”—
I know I’ll get pushback for saying this, but it’s really often as simple as that.
Engage. Attend. Be present FOR HiM and behave in ways that make him want to be around you more, not less.

Don’t do this. You don’t have to please someone who treats you less than dirt or an afterthought. You have full permission, OP, to just do things that make you and your kids happy, on your own whims and schedule. Build your life up, with his participation or not. Build your kids up so they know they have you, regardless. If he refuses to engage with therapy or you, realize that’s his choice, believe him, and as painful as it is, keep moving forward FOR YOU. It’s not up to you to beg or persuade or convince him of anything. It’s hard to contemplate but knowing and acting that way is so freeing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The extent to which men can betray their wives and children when they are interested in a new woman is astonishing. It’s deeply cruel
and gutting. You no longer recognize the person, and they are resolute in their decision to distance themselves from their family. We need to do a better job of warning women about this. I was shocked when it happened to me.

It’s shocking that men can do this to their own children. Chilling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reading his kids a bedtime story gets in the way of sitting in the basement sexting his AP.

As someone who told myself he would never even when he was basically living in "the basement" and suddenly nasty to me all the time, I say to myself "you idiot!"

Well, there is that horribly accurate meme that as soon as you say “he would never! Here he comes, never in like he nevered before”

Hahaha! I have to find and frame it. But it was literally the best thing that could have happened to me. When I thought "he would never" I also thought the possibility of "never" would destroy me. Instead it was the most f^&cking liberating experience of my life. Wild. (But unlike OP I don't have young children. That would have made the situation really awful.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask to see his phone. If he balks you have your answer right there.

Most of them are pretty smart. They’ll use a secondary device (even a work phone) or use apps like Telegram and WhatsApp, and hide them. They’ll do other stupidly obvious things, but they know how to hide stuff.

They use game apps like words with friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask to see his phone. If he balks you have your answer right there.

Most of them are pretty smart. They’ll use a secondary device (even a work phone) or use apps like Telegram and WhatsApp, and hide them. They’ll do other stupidly obvious things, but they know how to hide stuff.

They use game apps like words with friends

I've also heard they use Amex or Visa gift cards to hide purchases.

[Anonymous]

Check browser histories.

Apple devices are often linked in unanticipated ways. iPads and Macs to phones.

[Anonymous]

I understand why men would be uninterested in their wives when having an affair…but why the kids?! Anyone know?

My own DH is doing this as well. I think he is depressed but I suppose an affair is possible. But mine also went from “superdad” to resentful dad who avoids the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH got incredibly crabby and lazy around 42. He had always been a check the box kind of person, and my theory is that he never developed any sort of internal monologue or goals for himself beyond what he thought he was supposed to do. So now he has a kid, family, wife, nice house, vacation house, and job title he always wanted, but he feels empty because he doesn’t have a sense of his true values. I think he feels trapped by us and a sense of being unfulfilled, but because he can’t look inward he blames me/kids/family obligations/dog for how he feels.

You can’t call someone like this out on it because they just lash out, in my experience. I think that my DH could have a come to Jesus moment and realize that his empty soul is the problem, not us or his job, or he’ll just keep using us as his punching bag. He won’t walk away from us because I think deep down he knows he’d be left with just himself and that he’s the problem.

Mine too. Exact same story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reading his kids a bedtime story gets in the way of sitting in the basement sexting his AP.

As someone who told myself he would never even when he was basically living in "the basement" and suddenly nasty to me all the time, I say to myself "you idiot!"

Me too. Just wait until he runs away with her and wants the official separation clock to start the first night he began sleeping in the basement. He will claim you were separated even though that was news to you, all so he can be with his AP in an open capacity sooner.