Relative gives “gifts” from closet

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow everyone lay off the OP. They have reached the end of their rope being the "nice polite" one and they want to omit this from their Christmas because it makes them feel bad.

OP, this visit does not spark joy. Don't visit this person any more. Ever.

So OP, the great, the good, the one who can do no wrong, who has to tolerate the existence of those less than her by being nice, as a favor, is the victim. Got it.

This is why niceness isn't a virtue in itself.

It seems has if at least half our population has borderline personality disorder now. Tortured at how everyone treats them wrong and doesn't serve their needs.

Yeah, I love how people toss around “mental illness” when the DX seems to fit their post. Whoosh!

[Anonymous]

I would prefer a vintage piece to a new one, so maybe they are like me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Smile, say thank you, donate.

You are not entitled to brand new gifts.

This entire idea in your head that their method of gift giving is a sign of hate or something you should talk to them about is just crazy!!

Not OP, but you are gaslighting. Gifts have been used to manipulate, harm, etc for centuries...anywhere from gifting something laced with poison to trying to manipulate politics with gifts and win favor so to imply a gift is always altruistic and someone is crazy to think otherwise is gaslighting.That said, I assume the best, but also set boundaries. If the person is genuinely kind otherwise I might let it go and chose my battles. If not, I would make it clear before the next closet dump that you now have a no gift policy, the gift is seeing them. You appreciate her thinking of you, but you no longer have room for more stuff. Then if she continues, you keep the boundary and don't bring it home with you. If dad sends it, do not mention it and just donate.

I come from a family of people who use gifts in every way but kindness. They give gifts with strings, they give used gifts with holes to be passive aggressive, they give gifts to push buttons and take glee in upsetting the relative and the list goes on. The same 2 people who do this also have mental health issues and refuse to stick with help. It was hard setting a polite, but firm boundary and there was a ton of pushback and dramatics, but finally years later it stopped. Now other relatives complain to me about their incredibly rude gifts (sending someone morbidly obese who had a heart attack decadent desserts, sending a new mom used baby clothes with stains and holes, sending a chemical conscience mom pajamas for her kids, sending someone with food allergies foods with those ingredients). They go through all this mental gymnastics and really all you need to do is set a boundary, stick with it, yet them flip out and remain calm and polite.

Thank you for pointing out the gaslighting from the other poster.

You truly understand. This person uses gifts to manipulate and be passive aggressive.

I love this idea of no gifts and might do that.

OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My grandma did this in the last year or two of her life. It kind of felt like she was downsizing and divesting. Sometimes the stuff was cool, sometimes just weird, but I do think she put thought into it.

What sounds like the difference between that and OP's situation is thar from what I could see she did this for lots of people. It wasn't buying new gifts for most and then singling out one person for hand me downs.

Thank you for your understanding.

Yes, you’re right. It’s the being singled out for used items that seems passive aggressive to me.

I don’t want to be the annual Xmas recipient of the closet clean out.

OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow everyone lay off the OP. They have reached the end of their rope being the "nice polite" one and they want to omit this from their Christmas because it makes them feel bad.

OP, this visit does not spark joy. Don't visit this person any more. Ever.

So OP, the great, the good, the one who can do no wrong, who has to tolerate the existence of those less than her by being nice, as a favor, is the victim. Got it.

This is why niceness isn't a virtue in itself.

It seems has if at least half our population has borderline personality disorder now. Tortured at how everyone treats them wrong and doesn't serve their needs.

Yeah, I love how people toss around “mental illness” when the DX seems to fit their post. Whoosh!

"I love"? I am not concerned with your loves and dislikes. I stand by what I said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Smile, say thank you, donate.

You are not entitled to brand new gifts.

This entire idea in your head that their method of gift giving is a sign of hate or something you should talk to them about is just crazy!!

Not OP, but you are gaslighting. Gifts have been used to manipulate, harm, etc for centuries...anywhere from gifting something laced with poison to trying to manipulate politics with gifts and win favor so to imply a gift is always altruistic and someone is crazy to think otherwise is gaslighting.That said, I assume the best, but also set boundaries. If the person is genuinely kind otherwise I might let it go and chose my battles. If not, I would make it clear before the next closet dump that you now have a no gift policy, the gift is seeing them. You appreciate her thinking of you, but you no longer have room for more stuff. Then if she continues, you keep the boundary and don't bring it home with you. If dad sends it, do not mention it and just donate.

I come from a family of people who use gifts in every way but kindness. They give gifts with strings, they give used gifts with holes to be passive aggressive, they give gifts to push buttons and take glee in upsetting the relative and the list goes on. The same 2 people who do this also have mental health issues and refuse to stick with help. It was hard setting a polite, but firm boundary and there was a ton of pushback and dramatics, but finally years later it stopped. Now other relatives complain to me about their incredibly rude gifts (sending someone morbidly obese who had a heart attack decadent desserts, sending a new mom used baby clothes with stains and holes, sending a chemical conscience mom pajamas for her kids, sending someone with food allergies foods with those ingredients). They go through all this mental gymnastics and really all you need to do is set a boundary, stick with it, yet them flip out and remain calm and polite.

Thank you for pointing out the gaslighting from the other poster.

You truly understand. This person uses gifts to manipulate and be passive aggressive.

I love this idea of no gifts and might do that.

OP

No one gaslit you, certainly not me. If you have evidence besides the fact that you don’t like the gifts given, that they are being used to “manipulate and be passive aggressive” then share that. All you said is they have the money to give to charity and that’s not it.

Stop playing a victim both to your relative and to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you really be okay being the only one in the group who receives old and smelly items year after year?

My feelings are hurt, and I care that they hate me so much to do this.

They must be unhappy inside to act this way.

My response will be not to return for Xmas. Giving someone else power over my Xmas is not going to happen again.

Win-win solution.

Sadly, it’ll be worse for them as they will be alone, and they don’t like that. For five years, I’ve prioritized visiting them since their spouse died.

Actions have consequences though.

So you expect these elderly people to go out shopping for you? Why do you care about gifts at all?

“Go out shopping for you?” What year is this? Guarantee-damn-tee these “elderly people” whom you consider so terribly enfeebled have smartphones with internet access. :roll:

You
Aren’t
Entitled
To
A
New
Gift

[Anonymous]

When someone gives me a gift, I say thank you, as my parents taught me, and you should, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you really be okay being the only one in the group who receives old and smelly items year after year?

My feelings are hurt, and I care that they hate me so much to do this.

They must be unhappy inside to act this way.

My response will be not to return for Xmas. Giving someone else power over my Xmas is not going to happen again.

Win-win solution.

Sadly, it’ll be worse for them as they will be alone, and they don’t like that. For five years, I’ve prioritized visiting them since their spouse died.

Actions have consequences though.

So you expect these elderly people to go out shopping for you? Why do you care about gifts at all?

“Go out shopping for you?” What year is this? Guarantee-damn-tee these “elderly people” whom you consider so terribly enfeebled have smartphones with internet access. :roll:

You
Aren’t
Entitled
To
A
New
Gift

Used junk isn't a gift.

[Anonymous]

You don't understand boundaries op. You are overbearing. You are the problem.

You don't get to dictate other people's actions. You get to control your own actions.

People can give whatever gift they want and you have the choice to do whatever you want with it. It would be rude and inappropriate for you to say anything. How much money the person has is none of your business.

You are from a lower ses family and were not taught how to act.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My grandma did this in the last year or two of her life. It kind of felt like she was downsizing and divesting. Sometimes the stuff was cool, sometimes just weird, but I do think she put thought into it.

What sounds like the difference between that and OP's situation is thar from what I could see she did this for lots of people. It wasn't buying new gifts for most and then singling out one person for hand me downs.

Thank you for your understanding.

Yes, you’re right. It’s the being singled out for used items that seems passive aggressive to me.

I don’t want to be the annual Xmas recipient of the closet clean out.

OP

Then don't exchange gifts.

I experienced getting insulting gifts from one of my sils. It happened twice and dh let her know we would no longer be exchanging gifts. I don't waste my time. Also if you complain or insult a gift I give you, we no longer exchange gifts. Too many rude people who have no clue about appropriate behavior make gift giving a nightmare. In those cases, stop the game.

[Anonymous]

I didn’t get the feeling OP was going gifts at all in this scenario?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would prefer a vintage piece to a new one, so maybe they are like me.

I received a vintage item from my spouse, and it’s lovely. The vintage item was on my wish list, which spouse wanted us all to create.

But a closet cleanout item that’s smelly? No, thanks.

Hm. I could clean out my own closet and send her used stuff for her birthday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't understand boundaries op. You are overbearing. You are the problem.

You don't get to dictate other people's actions. You get to control your own actions.

People can give whatever gift they want and you have the choice to do whatever you want with it. It would be rude and inappropriate for you to say anything. How much money the person has is none of your business.

You are from a lower ses family and were not taught how to act.

You seem like an angry person.

You said how much money a person has is no one’s business and then assume I am from a low SES family?

You are off your rocker, boomer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When someone gives me a gift, I say thank you, as my parents taught me, and you should, too.

Yep. I did that. That’s not even in question.

You’ve totally avoided the part where I was the only one to receive used items and lied to and told they were bought new.

You must get your jollies attacking people on the boards.