Relative gives “gifts” from closet

[Anonymous]

Live simply, so that others may simply live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Smile, say thank you, donate.

You are not entitled to brand new gifts.

This entire idea in your head that their method of gift giving is a sign of hate or something you should talk to them about is just crazy!!

Not OP, but you are gaslighting. Gifts have been used to manipulate, harm, etc for centuries...anywhere from gifting something laced with poison to trying to manipulate politics with gifts and win favor so to imply a gift is always altruistic and someone is crazy to think otherwise is gaslighting.That said, I assume the best, but also set boundaries. If the person is genuinely kind otherwise I might let it go and chose my battles. If not, I would make it clear before the next closet dump that you now have a no gift policy, the gift is seeing them. You appreciate her thinking of you, but you no longer have room for more stuff. Then if she continues, you keep the boundary and don't bring it home with you. If dad sends it, do not mention it and just donate.

I come from a family of people who use gifts in every way but kindness. They give gifts with strings, they give used gifts with holes to be passive aggressive, they give gifts to push buttons and take glee in upsetting the relative and the list goes on. The same 2 people who do this also have mental health issues and refuse to stick with help. It was hard setting a polite, but firm boundary and there was a ton of pushback and dramatics, but finally years later it stopped. Now other relatives complain to me about their incredibly rude gifts (sending someone morbidly obese who had a heart attack decadent desserts, sending a new mom used baby clothes with stains and holes, sending a chemical conscience mom pajamas for her kids, sending someone with food allergies foods with those ingredients). They go through all this mental gymnastics and really all you need to do is set a boundary, stick with it, yet them flip out and remain calm and polite.

It is absolutely not gas lighting to say that a gift that doesn’t meet your standards is not sign of hate and all your examples of gifts as poison are completely ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow everyone lay off the OP. They have reached the end of their rope being the "nice polite" one and they want to omit this from their Christmas because it makes them feel bad.

OP, this visit does not spark joy. Don't visit this person any more. Ever.

She is receiving a gift she doesn’t like. If that puts her at the end of the rope, she needs therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP if it makes you feel any better this happens to me and my sister from my stepmother. Every Christmas she wraps up between eight and 10 things that she pulls out of closets and the basement and gives it to me and my sister, now she does this to my daughter. My dad stands there happily and smiles, and pats her on the back for doing such a great job. One year she gave my sister a bracelet my sister had given her 5 years prior. This happens in their remote city when we visit via flight and don’t check bags, so I often have to carry it all home in cloth grocery bags as a carry-on. It stays in the trunk of my car and goes directly to the Goodwill. One year I asked my dad kindly if this tradition could stop as we simply don’t need more things. I did not add that we especially don’t need used things from my stepmother‘s closets. He replied that he was happy to mail it to the house if it was too much for me to carry it on an airplane.

We can’t decide if she’s cheap, passive aggressive, social inept, or all of the above.

just leave it in the airport bathroom with “free” written on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you really be okay being the only one in the group who receives old and smelly items year after year?

My feelings are hurt, and I care that they hate me so much to do this.

They must be unhappy inside to act this way.

My response will be not to return for Xmas. Giving someone else power over my Xmas is not going to happen again.

Win-win solution.

Sadly, it’ll be worse for them as they will be alone, and they don’t like that. For five years, I’ve prioritized visiting them since their spouse died.

Actions have consequences though.

So you expect these elderly people to go out shopping for you? Why do you care about gifts at all?

“Go out shopping for you?” What year is this? Guarantee-damn-tee these “elderly people” whom you consider so terribly enfeebled have smartphones with internet access.

[Anonymous]

Say thank you and then do whatever you want with them? Donate them if you don’t want them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there any way to make it stop?

They actually told me they “shopped local.” But the town they live in is so small that I doubted they could find this item in a local store.

The supposedly new item had no tags so I googled it and found it is a vintage item from the 90s from a European country they traveled to in the 90s.

They also gave two of us old notebooks. Last year, two of us received these large rayon scarves that you wrap all around your body.

I get it. The relative is cheap and probably hates me.

They have plenty of money as they donated $10,000 to an organization no problem.

I’m thinking about writing a letter to them about it.

What would you do?

Write the letter but don’t send it. Have some dignity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP if it makes you feel any better this happens to me and my sister from my stepmother. Every Christmas she wraps up between eight and 10 things that she pulls out of closets and the basement and gives it to me and my sister, now she does this to my daughter. My dad stands there happily and smiles, and pats her on the back for doing such a great job. One year she gave my sister a bracelet my sister had given her 5 years prior. This happens in their remote city when we visit via flight and don’t check bags, so I often have to carry it all home in cloth grocery bags as a carry-on. It stays in the trunk of my car and goes directly to the Goodwill. One year I asked my dad kindly if this tradition could stop as we simply don’t need more things. I did not add that we especially don’t need used things from my stepmother‘s closets. He replied that he was happy to mail it to the house if it was too much for me to carry it on an airplane.

We can’t decide if she’s cheap, passive aggressive, social inept, or all of the above.

just leave it in the airport bathroom with “free” written on it.

Do you want bomb squads? Because that's how you get bomb squads.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lean into it and kill them with kindness. "OMG, is this purse vintage? I looked this up and it hasn't been sold in 30 years. This must have cost a fortune! Oh, you shouldn't have!"

This is the answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow everyone lay off the OP. They have reached the end of their rope being the "nice polite" one and they want to omit this from their Christmas because it makes them feel bad.

OP, this visit does not spark joy. Don't visit this person any more. Ever.

So OP, the great, the good, the one who can do no wrong, who has to tolerate the existence of those less than her by being nice, as a favor, is the victim. Got it.

This is why niceness isn't a virtue in itself.

It seems has if at least half our population has borderline personality disorder now. Tortured at how everyone treats them wrong and doesn't serve their needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Smile, say thank you, donate.

You are not entitled to brand new gifts.

This entire idea in your head that their method of gift giving is a sign of hate or something you should talk to them about is just crazy!!

Not OP, but you are gaslighting. Gifts have been used to manipulate, harm, etc for centuries...anywhere from gifting something laced with poison to trying to manipulate politics with gifts and win favor so to imply a gift is always altruistic and someone is crazy to think otherwise is gaslighting.That said, I assume the best, but also set boundaries. If the person is genuinely kind otherwise I might let it go and chose my battles. If not, I would make it clear before the next closet dump that you now have a no gift policy, the gift is seeing them. You appreciate her thinking of you, but you no longer have room for more stuff. Then if she continues, you keep the boundary and don't bring it home with you. If dad sends it, do not mention it and just donate.

I come from a family of people who use gifts in every way but kindness. They give gifts with strings, they give used gifts with holes to be passive aggressive, they give gifts to push buttons and take glee in upsetting the relative and the list goes on. The same 2 people who do this also have mental health issues and refuse to stick with help. It was hard setting a polite, but firm boundary and there was a ton of pushback and dramatics, but finally years later it stopped. Now other relatives complain to me about their incredibly rude gifts (sending someone morbidly obese who had a heart attack decadent desserts, sending a new mom used baby clothes with stains and holes, sending a chemical conscience mom pajamas for her kids, sending someone with food allergies foods with those ingredients). They go through all this mental gymnastics and really all you need to do is set a boundary, stick with it, yet them flip out and remain calm and polite.

It is absolutely not gas lighting to say that a gift that doesn’t meet your standards is not sign of hate and all your examples of gifts as poison are completely ridiculous.

It is not a gift. It is a donation of a used item from her closet. Unless OP is a Salvation Army, you don't dump a donation without asking the person if they want the donation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP if it makes you feel any better this happens to me and my sister from my stepmother. Every Christmas she wraps up between eight and 10 things that she pulls out of closets and the basement and gives it to me and my sister, now she does this to my daughter. My dad stands there happily and smiles, and pats her on the back for doing such a great job. One year she gave my sister a bracelet my sister had given her 5 years prior. This happens in their remote city when we visit via flight and don’t check bags, so I often have to carry it all home in cloth grocery bags as a carry-on. It stays in the trunk of my car and goes directly to the Goodwill. One year I asked my dad kindly if this tradition could stop as we simply don’t need more things. I did not add that we especially don’t need used things from my stepmother‘s closets. He replied that he was happy to mail it to the house if it was too much for me to carry it on an airplane.

We can’t decide if she’s cheap, passive aggressive, social inept, or all of the above.

just leave it in the airport bathroom with “free” written on it.

Do you want bomb squads? Because that's how you get bomb squads.

😂

[Anonymous]

My mother does this and we all think it’s great! It’s part of her downsizing efforts. She’s very honest that stuff came from a closet. She doesn’t care what we do with it once we have it. But it’s normally items she has a hard time parting with emotionally, but that she knows she doesn’t need.

This year I got a framed photo of my my great-grandparents who died long before I was born. My mom couldn’t bear to toss it, so it’s mine now. Fine! I’ll hold onto it for a bit until I make it digital or toss myself.

In the past I’ve been given old tablecloths, a great grandmothers butter dish or similar items.

My mom is in her late 70s and knows we’ll be dealing with this stuff at some point, so why not get ahead of it a few items at a time?

Of course if you’re offended I’d just stop exchanging gifts with this person at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP if it makes you feel any better this happens to me and my sister from my stepmother. Every Christmas she wraps up between eight and 10 things that she pulls out of closets and the basement and gives it to me and my sister, now she does this to my daughter. My dad stands there happily and smiles, and pats her on the back for doing such a great job. One year she gave my sister a bracelet my sister had given her 5 years prior. This happens in their remote city when we visit via flight and don’t check bags, so I often have to carry it all home in cloth grocery bags as a carry-on. It stays in the trunk of my car and goes directly to the Goodwill. One year I asked my dad kindly if this tradition could stop as we simply don’t need more things. I did not add that we especially don’t need used things from my stepmother‘s closets. He replied that he was happy to mail it to the house if it was too much for me to carry it on an airplane.

We can’t decide if she’s cheap, passive aggressive, social inept, or all of the above.

just leave it in the airport bathroom with “free” written on it.

Do you want bomb squads? Because that's how you get bomb squads.

The drama! How do you function? I left books my sister gave me at the airports, in the bathroom lobby (it was fancy and nowhere near the toilets) and there were no bomb squads.

[Anonymous]

And, I’m a DP. Not the pp.