Do you include a check to the family with your condolence card at a funeral?

[Anonymous]

Wondering if all the people who are insulted would still be insulted if husband who died was primary breadwinner, died young and somewhat unexpectedly, and kids were still in college etc.

[Anonymous]

This is standard in Hawaii. You put $20 or $50 (cash, not check) in the condolence card at the funeral or when you send it. It would be very rude not to do so. Doesn’t matter what your “culture” is, it is the culture of Hawaii.

[Anonymous]

Fascinating thread. Never heard of this custom— middle class East coast here.

[Anonymous]

I received gift cards to restaurants when my DH died. I left the house the same day and didn’t come back, so people couldn’t just bring the usual casseroles and things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wondering if all the people who are insulted would still be insulted if husband who died was primary breadwinner, died young and somewhat unexpectedly, and kids were still in college etc.

Yes because we have life insurance, and college is fully funded before the kids graduate from HS, or the kids are paying for it as they go. In our (extended) family, we are very money smart. Nobody has debt except mortgage or college, nobody is living above their means, we pre-pay things etc.

[Anonymous]

Never heard of this custom and sounds very bizarre. Okay, maybe it's a cultural thing elsewhere, but certainly not on the east coast. If the family needs money, you find another way to provide funds. You don't include money with a condolence card. That's borderline insulting.

[Anonymous]

I think this may also be a southern thing. My mother’s family is from the south and she has always done this.

[Anonymous]

No, no matter what the situation - it’s downright rude to give money. And my family is southern.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wondering if all the people who are insulted would still be insulted if husband who died was primary breadwinner, died young and somewhat unexpectedly, and kids were still in college etc.

Yes because we have life insurance, and college is fully funded before the kids graduate from HS, or the kids are paying for it as they go. In our (extended) family, we are very money smart. Nobody has debt except mortgage or college, nobody is living above their means, we pre-pay things etc.

That’s great. You sound very responsible. There are lots of people who have not pre-paid college, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is standard in Hawaii. You put $20 or $50 (cash, not check) in the condolence card at the funeral or when you send it. It would be very rude not to do so. Doesn’t matter what your “culture” is, it is the culture of Hawaii.

I think it is an amazing custom and culture. I see that the only people who are protesting this are White people with a lot of blood on their hands historically and who remain very privileged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think my parents used to do this, to help defray funeral expenses, sort of like at a wedding. I have done this too ($100 to $200 depending on relationship) but my husband had never heard of it. The obituary notes two charities to donate to -- should I do that instead? The person who died was a cousin of mine in his late fifties with three kids, about college aged. Thank you!

I have seen obituaries that say in lieu of flowers to send a contribution to the funeral home. I have done this as well as sending an anonymous money order to family.

[Anonymous]

Op if you feel like a check would be appreciated then send one. If you aren’t able to stay in the area apologize with a note and state that here is a little something towards final expenses. Funerals are hard on less wealthy families

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, no matter what the situation - it’s downright rude to give money. And my family is southern.

It depends on the culture. We're white Southerners and we send food or flowers. After moving to DC, I learned that in many black cultures it's customary to send money. I recently contributed to a gofundme for the family of a black friend who died.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's generational. This was common when I was growing up. People would often put money in a card at funerals. My dad died a couple years ago and we did get a few checks from people, all of whom were 80+ years old.

FWIW I grew up in the Midwest, Catholic European, middle class.

IDK how generational by being from Midwest, one area rural Scandinavian and another was much more diverse but blue collar, it was and still is standard practice. Used to be cash and ladies (who did the cards) would write the dollar amount in a corner of the blank half of the inside of the card.

[Anonymous]

Update from OP: This thread is still going, wow.
The funeral happened several weeks ago I did wind up attending and including a check with my card, though I waffled over the decision several times. While I'm not positive how it was received, it was cashed, and I am grateful for that. Going forward, I expect I will continue to do this unless the people are very well off, as those are the folks in this thread who seem to be most offended by the practice.