Do you include a check to the family with your condolence card at a funeral?

[Anonymous]

OP here and I'm also white and from Eastern PA, Polish heritage. I certainly don't want to offend the family. Can't do things like cook, am no longer from the area. But okay, I am hearing the swell of voices saying absolutely not.

[Anonymous]

no way that's so tacky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As usual, the rich aholes turn out in force, insulting people for potentially not being born to rich parents.

Because it’s just not done in civilized society. Sorry you’re a heathen.

[Anonymous]

I had not seen this in my own family but did see it happen at another family's multiple funerals recently. (And I gave money too as it seemed everyone was doing so - there were donation cards at the funeral home.)

Family was Eastern European, in the Midwest and not well-off. Wasn't sure if it was cultural, regional or due to circumstances.

[Anonymous]

It’s definitely rely something that is done - I think it’s a lovely gesture. We generally send between $200-$500 depending on how well we know the deceased

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As usual, the rich aholes turn out in force, insulting people for potentially not being born to rich parents.

Because it’s just not done in civilized society. Sorry you’re a heathen.

You seem confused (and rude)

A heathen is a person who does not belong to a widely held religion (especially one who is not a Christian, Jew, or Muslim) as regarded by those who do.

The practice of including cash or checks is very common in many subcultures. It can be to help with final expenses and/or to help surviving family members who will be economically burdened along with their loss.

[Anonymous]

I have only seen it done for families who would struggle to pay funeral expenses. The only time I have ever participated was 10-15 years ago when our receptionist's granddaughter (who she had raised) died and we pooled contributions for her. She was very thankful for it as it was a big financial burden for her (and she ended up raising her great grandson.)

I think the advent of online fundraising sites has replaced this tradition for a lot of people who would have done this. I have contributed to a few of those, typically people who died young and unexpectedly and it was earmarked for kids' expenses.

[Anonymous]

No. If the obituary mentions charities, donate to those if you want.

[Anonymous]

It depends on the culture.

I'm from Appalachia and we do, because almost no one can afford a funeral without help.

[Anonymous]

This is interesting. It never would have occurred to me. But I think a lot of the naysayers here come from homes where they’d ask for charitable contributions in lieu of flowers. That’s my background and it is privilege. I’d focus on the custom of the family of the deceased and proceed accordingly if you are so inclined. Thank you for enlightening me on the different practices.

[Anonymous]

I come from a poor midwestern background and have never heard of this. If the family needed help with costs it was sort of whispered about and people chipped in in other ways, but nothing like this.

[Anonymous]

No

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It honestly depends on the culture of the family and the community. In the culture that the majority of people I work with (in DC), giving cash to someone whose relative died is not expected but very typical. And by culture I am talking about race, ethnicity and SES. I am personally from a different culture than those with whom I work, but it is very common in my culture as well (White, lower SES, Eastern European from western PA).

This was not common or even heard of in white, lower SES in Alabama and Georgia, where all of my family is from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had a recent thread on this. It was very exciting

Seriously. Why does it come up? It's so very inappropriate (and I'm a giver, a tipper, a lavisher).
Is it a cultural thing or a weird old fashioned thing?

[Anonymous]

Does anyone have link to the prior thread?