I cannot help but feel frustrated with friends who act so bent out of shape when they have to help their elderly parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry for your losses. They don’t make what other people go through less painful or legitimate. It’s not the Olympics of grief. I don’t dispute that people who know you and know this about you might want to vent to someone else than you, but they should be able to vent nonetheless.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry for your losses. They don’t make what other people go through less painful or legitimate. It’s not the Olympics of grief. I don’t dispute that people who know you and know this about you might want to vent to someone else than you, but they should be able to vent nonetheless.

Weird that multiple posters use the term ‘Olympics’. But anyway that’s not the issue- they’re not grieving or sad. They’re bothered that they have to be hassled dealing with unseemly and inconvenient elder care issues when they should be relaxing, going on vacations, enjoying themselves, etc. Grief I would appreciate. Selfishness I do not understand. They’re your parents and no, these parents were not abusive.

They're bothered that they have to be hassled dealing with elder care issues when they need to devote their attention to their own children, who have significant needs of their own, in the context of also working full-time.

^^^ fixed that for you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish I’d spent more time with my parents before they passed. But I have come to realize that not everyone has as strong a sense of family as I do. Its not a surprise that Americans are a more individualistic, and arguably more self centered and narcissistic culture than other cultures.

Many of my friends come from first or second generation immigrant cultures and they tend to be more family centric and religious. Not all, but some.

It is very strange that you comment that Americans are self-centered and narcissistic by nature in the context of a thread that involves people talking about taking care of their elderly parents.

Leaving that aside, as a culture, we have made the collective decision to provide virtually no safety net or back up family support or care for anyone. When it comes to young children and old people, it's every family for itself. Very Darwinian. Given that, many people have no choice but to be "selfish."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry for your losses. They don’t make what other people go through less painful or legitimate. It’s not the Olympics of grief. I don’t dispute that people who know you and know this about you might want to vent to someone else than you, but they should be able to vent nonetheless.

Weird that multiple posters use the term ‘Olympics’. But anyway that’s not the issue- they’re not grieving or sad. They’re bothered that they have to be hassled dealing with unseemly and inconvenient elder care issues when they should be relaxing, going on vacations, enjoying themselves, etc. Grief I would appreciate. Selfishness I do not understand. They’re your parents and no, these parents were not abusive.

They're bothered that they have to be hassled dealing with elder care issues when they need to devote their attention to their own children, who have significant needs of their own, in the context of also working full-time.

^^^ fixed that for you

No, assuming makes an ass out of you and me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish I’d spent more time with my parents before they passed. But I have come to realize that not everyone has as strong a sense of family as I do. Its not a surprise that Americans are a more individualistic, and arguably more self centered and narcissistic culture than other cultures.

Many of my friends come from first or second generation immigrant cultures and they tend to be more family centric and religious. Not all, but some.

Oh please, I'm first generation and do most of the elder care (out of 4 siblings), lazy is lazy in any culture.
It is a lot of work, I dont begrudge the complaints as long as they're helping with care.

I do hate comments like, why cant [elder] do/be more [jnsert] - cause they can't and need help! So stupid and unnecessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree. I stayed by my dad’s side the last days of his life, and it was the greatest gift given to me. I wish I had been more helpful while he was alive.

I realized people that age are often stoic. They’re prideful. They don’t want to bother us.

But they’re truly in need. They’re vulnerable, the world is confusing, they’re locked out of so much because they’re not tech savvy. I have so much sympathy for the elderly.

So why weren't you more helpful?

Im guessing you stuck your siblings with all the work

[Anonymous]

It’s unfortunate that the trolls have discovered this sub forum.

Op, sorry for your loss. I can understand feeling frustrated with your friends. But please don’t judge them. You’re
fortunate to have had good relationships with your parents.

We don’t expect people to have to put up with verbal or emotional abuse in friendships or intimate relationships, but somehow adult children are expected to tolerate this out of respect or duty to their elders.

I’m a single parent who didn’t have much support from my own parents in raising my DS. They weren’t generous and they complained when I needed help, or they helped but let me know how much of an inconvenience it was to need to watch their grandson, it interfered with their exercise schedule or their card game with friends. I eventually stopped asking them.

Now they’re asking for help as they age.

[Anonymous]

You don’t have to have had bad parents to make elder care a real challenge. Just like there is little societal support for raising children in our society, families are completely on their own in dealing with elder care. Even if there is plenty of money to go around (which there usually isn’t) the ability to access good, high quality (or even low quality) elder care that doesn’t involve a child living nearby and probably not having a job themselves is really hard. You’re not selfish by being frustrated and overwhelmed with the lack of options and resources. I consider myself lucky that my parents live nearby, have some money, and haven’t had cognitive decline, but even with that, as an only child in those moments when something has happened (eg mom falling and breaking a hip) there’s no safety net.

I genuinely am sorry for your loss, but maybe realize that that same grace you want from your friends who supported you when your parents died or when you went through other life challenges you should give to them in their struggles. Because it can be a real struggle and they’re not just narcissistic a-holes.

[Anonymous]

OP, in general, I agree with you. I had wonderful parents and wonderful in-laws. They you were all great grandparents to DC.

Both families also took great care of their older relatives (grandparents, and great aunts and uncles). They set an example.My best friend can say the same. However, when it is just us on the phone, sometimes we vent to each other.

[Anonymous]

I understand your frustration. It may be an unfair comparison, though. Have you ever had to care for an aging parent with mental illness? The process often starts with immense cruelty aimed at loved ones. Like cutting you to the core cruelty. Sharing family secrets. Telling family members that they're a disappointment. That they're bad parents. To then have to devote all your time and financial resources to that person's care is hard. It strains marriages. It depletes savings that would have otherwise been available to pay for college. It's just hard. Be thankful if you had caring parents for whom you were able to reciprocate love while they were here.

[Anonymous]

NP. I struggle with elder care issues a lot, but I would certainly understand not to complain about them when a friend was newly grieving a loss. That is so tone deaf. Really.

[Anonymous]

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My best friend died when I was young. It's tacky to anonymous badmouth your friends who are venting to you.

Not sure what you’re truth to say. lol

If you really don't understand the PP, you're dumber than your OP makes you appear. Which is no easy feat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are fortunate to have parents who loved you and were kind to you.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are fortunate to have parents who loved you and were kind to you.

This.

That doesn’t take away that most people can figure out how to have tact when someone recently lost a parent