I cannot help but feel frustrated with friends who act so bent out of shape when they have to help their elderly parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My father passed recently and my mother died when I was young.

Their complaining strikes me as selfish and tone deaf

I'm sorry for your loss.

I know you are grieving.

One day you'll back on your post and cringe a little about how you lashed out in bitterness. It's OK. No one is perfect
when in this situation.

Who are you people? No one is lashing out. This is an anon message board. Duh

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My best friend died when I was young. It's tacky to anonymous badmouth your friends who are venting to you.

Not sure what you’re truth to say. lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My father passed recently and my mother died when I was young.

Their complaining strikes me as selfish and tone deaf

I'm sorry for your loss.

I know you are grieving.

One day you'll back on your post and cringe a little about how you lashed out in bitterness. It's OK. No one is perfect when in this situation.

I agree with the bolded. OP, we understand that losing your parents, with whom you clearly had a good relationship, means that you never had to endure the absolute hell that is living in the sandwich generation: taking care of young kids while putting out fires at work and helping your elderly parents, who might not be grateful, because they might not understand what modern parenting entails, and what working mothers have to go through.

Generally, when such thoughts occur to you, it's best to not write them out on DCUM. Keep them to yourself.

[Anonymous]

...except that if they were alive you'd be doing the exact same thing your friends are doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try doing it for 15+ years when there are extreme mental health issues, near constant verbal abuse and occasionally physical abuse. Not everyone spills the darker side of eldercare.

I think most people can appreciate context and understand that obviously no one would not understand someone venting in extreme situations - an abusive parent you are now caring for, as example- but I think it’s obvious to most intelligent people that this post isn’t about those types of situations

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:...except that if they were alive you'd be doing the exact same thing your friends are doing.

Huh?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My father passed recently and my mother died when I was young.

Their complaining strikes me as selfish and tone deaf

I'm sorry for your loss.

I know you are grieving.

One day you'll back on your post and cringe a little about how you lashed out in bitterness. It's OK. No one is perfect when in this situation.

I agree with the bolded. OP, we understand that losing your parents, with whom you clearly had a good relationship, means that you never had to endure the absolute hell that is living in the sandwich generation: taking care of young kids while putting out fires at work and helping your elderly parents, who might not be grateful, because they might not understand what modern parenting entails, and what working mothers have to go through.

Generally, when such thoughts occur to you, it's best to not write them out on DCUM. Keep them to yourself.

Are you really that insane and fragile that you can’t handle reading a post on an anon message board that isn’t even directed at you? You need to seek help if that’s the case

[Anonymous]

I wish I’d spent more time with my parents before they passed. But I have come to realize that not everyone has as strong a sense of family as I do. Its not a surprise that Americans are a more individualistic, and arguably more self centered and narcissistic culture than other cultures.

Many of my friends come from first or second generation immigrant cultures and they tend to be more family centric and religious. Not all, but some.

[Anonymous]

^ there was an earlier post about only children and it was interesting to read how many people thought that was such a great scenario because the child would end up with more money to inherit. That’s the mindset of many on here, I suppose. A strange way to view family and relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try doing it for 15+ years when there are extreme mental health issues, near constant verbal abuse and occasionally physical abuse. Not everyone spills the darker side of eldercare.

I think most people can appreciate context and understand that obviously no one would not understand someone venting in extreme situations - an abusive parent you are now caring for, as example- but I think it’s obvious to most intelligent people that this post isn’t about those types of situations

Not at all.

I have a good relationship with my elderly mother *now*, because fatigue and the realization that I'm her only child has made her a lot more pleasant to be around. I'm not going around telling people how abusive she used to be, and how she destroyed her health with chain smoking, refusing to go to the doctor, and refusing to take the medication and physical therapy prescribed to her when she finally did go! But it certainly colors the way I treat her today. I will help her to a certain point, but I will certainly NOT give over my life to her needs.

I take care of my health, and I have a lot more respect for my children than she ever did. Maybe that will translate to an easier end of life. Or maybe it won't. But at least I won't have any regrets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My father passed recently and my mother died when I was young.

Their complaining strikes me as selfish and tone deaf

I'm sorry for your loss.

I know you are grieving.

One day you'll back on your post and cringe a little about how you lashed out in bitterness. It's OK. No one is perfect when in this situation.

I agree with the bolded. OP, we understand that losing your parents, with whom you clearly had a good relationship, means that you never had to endure the absolute hell that is living in the sandwich generation: taking care of young kids while putting out fires at work and helping your elderly parents, who might not be grateful, because they might not understand what modern parenting entails, and what working mothers have to go through.

Generally, when such thoughts occur to you, it's best to not write them out on DCUM. Keep them to yourself.

Are you really that insane and fragile that you can’t handle reading a post on an anon message board that isn’t even directed at you? You need to seek help if that’s the case

OP, you've been posting some really nasty replies. You need to calm down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try doing it for 15+ years when there are extreme mental health issues, near constant verbal abuse and occasionally physical abuse. Not everyone spills the darker side of eldercare.

I think most people can appreciate context and understand that obviously no one would not understand someone venting in extreme situations - an abusive parent you are now caring for, as example- but I think it’s obvious to most intelligent people that this post isn’t about those types of situations

Not at all.

I have a good relationship with my elderly mother *now*, because fatigue and the realization that I'm her only child has made her a lot more pleasant to be around. I'm not going around telling people how abusive she used to be, and how she destroyed her health with chain smoking, refusing to go to the doctor, and refusing to take the medication and physical therapy prescribed to her when she finally did go! But it certainly colors the way I treat her today. I will help her to a certain point, but I will certainly NOT give over my life to her needs.

I take care of my health, and I have a lot more respect for my children than she ever did. Maybe that will translate to an easier end of life. Or maybe it won't. But at least I won't have any regrets.

Why would you ever run around saying that? Odd

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish I’d spent more time with my parents before they passed. But I have come to realize that not everyone has as strong a sense of family as I do. Its not a surprise that Americans are a more individualistic, and arguably more self centered and narcissistic culture than other cultures.

Many of my friends come from first or second generation immigrant cultures and they tend to be more family centric and religious. Not all, but some.

I agree with this. I’ll admit I appreciate these more traditional families a lot more. I’m not religious but I appreciate their values

[Anonymous]

You cannot know what other people's family relationships are like, nor can you assume that they resemble your own in any way.

I love my parents. Also they were abusive and remain very difficult people. They have a lot of needs that are hard to meet because THEY were abused as children as well. Sometimes it feels like I am the parent and they are adult children I'm tasked with caring for even though they didn't do a good job of caring for me when I was a vulnerable child.

I am sorry for your losses and I also think you don't understand how fortunate you are to have had parents who were good enough at their job that you can miss them.

Everyone is on their own journey.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ there was an earlier post about only children and it was interesting to read how many people thought that was such a great scenario because the child would end up with more money to inherit. That’s the mindset of many on here, I suppose. A strange way to view family and relationships.

Gross