I cannot help but feel frustrated with friends who act so bent out of shape when they have to help their elderly parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try doing it for 15+ years when there are extreme mental health issues, near constant verbal abuse and occasionally physical abuse. Not everyone spills the darker side of eldercare.

I think most people can appreciate context and understand that obviously no one would not understand someone venting in extreme situations - an abusive parent you are now caring for, as example- but I think it’s obvious to most intelligent people that this post isn’t about those types of situations

I think OP and others cannot possibly know if someone who is complaining about elder care experienced abuse or neglect as a child. If your first reaction is "ugh so tone deaf, don't they realize I would be thrilled if my parents were still alive" then you are unlikely to find out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ there was an earlier post about only children and it was interesting to read how many people thought that was such a great scenario because the child would end up with more money to inherit. That’s the mindset of many on here, I suppose. A strange way to view family and relationships.

I think you're twisting words. I have an only and it is a relief to me to know my only will inherit whatever wealth we have when we die. That dies not mean I view that inheritance as the only thing that matters or even as that important. It's more that I think life is long and hard at times and I'm glad that when we go our child will have some financial help with whatever they may need help with. I don't think my child will think "whew what a great financial boon that I have no siblings and get all my parents money." I think she'll be grieving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In the Suffering Olympics, you're never going to win, OP. You're well enough to vent on DCUM, after all.

Helping out your elders, out of a sense of duty, even if they've shown themselves to be neglectful or abusive parents, is very difficult indeed. You never know what relationship eddies and undercurrents other people have to navigate.

Stay in your lane.

Stay in your lane is generally a dumb lazy comment

This was a dumb and unnecessary comment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry for your losses. They don’t make what other people go through less painful or legitimate. It’s not the Olympics of grief. I don’t dispute that people who know you and know this about you might want to vent to someone else than you, but they should be able to vent nonetheless.

Weird that multiple posters use the term ‘Olympics’. But anyway that’s not the issue- they’re not grieving or sad. They’re bothered that they have to be hassled dealing with unseemly and inconvenient elder care issues when they should be relaxing, going on vacations, enjoying themselves, etc. Grief I would appreciate. Selfishness I do not understand. They’re your parents and no, these parents were not abusive.

Np. How do you know? Some parents present a happy home but it is not

[Anonymous]

My parents were neglectful and abusive, which not everyone knows. I complain

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish I’d spent more time with my parents before they passed. But I have come to realize that not everyone has as strong a sense of family as I do. Its not a surprise that Americans are a more individualistic, and arguably more self centered and narcissistic culture than other cultures.

Many of my friends come from first or second generation immigrant cultures and they tend to be more family centric and religious. Not all, but some.

If these people are taking care of their parents how is that indivdualitic and self centered? You are allowed to complain, just not to op because she has no sympathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish I’d spent more time with my parents before they passed. But I have come to realize that not everyone has as strong a sense of family as I do. Its not a surprise that Americans are a more individualistic, and arguably more self centered and narcissistic culture than other cultures.

Many of my friends come from first or second generation immigrant cultures and they tend to be more family centric and religious. Not all, but some.

If these people are taking care of their parents how is that indivdualitic and self centered? You are allowed to complain, just not to op because she has no sympathy.

Well, many are not. Thats the point. Or doing as little as possible. Obviously someone who has mom or dad living with them full time, or is doing regular elder care is not the point of this post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents were neglectful and abusive, which not everyone knows. I complain

How so? Have to admit I see posts on here claiming that a parent was ‘narcissistic’ (buzz word for everyone now) and also ‘neglectful’ but when they describe the parenting it strikes me as fairly typical 70s parenting, eg hands off. One poster said her parents were ‘neglectfully abusive’ because they left her alone after school and during the summer. That was many parents in the 70s where I grew up, but kids loved it. Freedom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My father passed recently and my mother died when I was young.

Their complaining strikes me as selfish and tone deaf

I'm sorry for your loss.

I know you are grieving.

One day you'll back on your post and cringe a little about how you lashed out in bitterness. It's OK. No one is perfect when in this situation.

I agree with the bolded. OP, we understand that losing your parents, with whom you clearly had a good relationship, means that you never had to endure the absolute hell that is living in the sandwich generation: taking care of young kids while putting out fires at work and helping your elderly parents, who might not be grateful, because they might not understand what modern parenting entails, and what working mothers have to go through.

Generally, when such thoughts occur to you, it's best to not write them out on DCUM. Keep them to yourself.

Are you really that insane and fragile that you can’t handle reading a post on an anon message board that isn’t even directed at you? You need to seek help if that’s the case

Self-woosh

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish I’d spent more time with my parents before they passed. But I have come to realize that not everyone has as strong a sense of family as I do. Its not a surprise that Americans are a more individualistic, and arguably more self centered and narcissistic culture than other cultures.

Many of my friends come from first or second generation immigrant cultures and they tend to be more family centric and religious. Not all, but some.

Why didn't you spend more time with them before they passed?
The only moral selfish narcissism is your selfish narcissism?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father passed recently and my mother died when I was young.

Their complaining strikes me as selfish and tone deaf

What's tone deaf is not knowing what might have went on in their home that you have no idea about. My abusive, alcoholic mother let people sexual abuse, I told her of the abuse and she did nothing but blame me. Do I want to help her in her old age? Not really.

MYOB.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents were neglectful and abusive, which not everyone knows. I complain

How so? Have to admit I see posts on here claiming that a parent was ‘narcissistic’ (buzz word for everyone now) and also ‘neglectful’ but when they describe the parenting it strikes me as fairly typical 70s parenting, eg hands off. One poster said her parents were ‘neglectfully abusive’ because they left her alone after school and during the summer. That was many parents in the 70s where I grew up, but kids loved it. Freedom.

Is this OP above?

Oh, to be that ignorant!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree. I stayed by my dad’s side the last days of his life, and it was the greatest gift given to me. I wish I had been more helpful while he was alive.

I realized people that age are often stoic. They’re prideful. They don’t want to bother us.

But they’re truly in need. They’re vulnerable, the world is confusing, they’re locked out of so much because they’re not tech savvy. I have so much sympathy for the elderly.

This is my view of the elderly and their needs. And what I try to keep in mind as the challenges of dealing with 4 sets of aging parents and an aging, unmarried Aunt are looming. It's not going to be easy. But they will be anxious, vulnerable, and in need. And they're our parents so we owe it to them to show them the same love, protection, etc. they showed us as children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My father passed recently and my mother died when I was young.

Their complaining strikes me as selfish and tone deaf

What's tone deaf is not knowing what might have went on in their home that you have no idea about. My abusive, alcoholic mother let people sexual abuse, I told her of the abuse and she did nothing but blame me. Do I want to help her in her old age? Not really.

MYOB.

I think we can all agree this is a different subject and situation. And really beyond the topic here (and fwiw, I had a similar parent so I know where you're coming from).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father passed recently and my mother died when I was young.

Their complaining strikes me as selfish and tone deaf

shut up, lady