Declining estranged mother...next steps

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not do anything proactively for her. I would simply respond to the neighbors that you are not involved and that they should ask the state to handle it if they continue to be concerned.

How could you turn your back on your own mother like this? Wow.

I have a horrible relationship with my mother. I still see her and suffer.

To the OP, she may eventually need to go into a nursing home. I would at least make sure she moves to one.

My dad’s health is deteriorating and he would need to be in a home if he were alone. He gets 50-60 hours of home aid care, my brother helps him probably 20 hours and my mom does the rest. My dad needs around the clock care. I live out of state. I help out financially. We paid off the house and pay all the bills. My parents get social security, which pays for their food. I also gave them my credit card and they charge a few hundred on various things per month.

That sounds really unpleasant and like the sort of things that may have negative impacts on either you personally or the family you've formed. Not everyone balances those interests in the way you do, is the answer to your question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not do anything proactively for her. I would simply respond to the neighbors that you are not involved and that they should ask the state to handle it if they continue to be concerned.

My friend’s mother helps a neighbor friend who is estranged from her adult children. It is a lot when adults get elderly and can no longer care for themselves. They also reached out to her kids and they didn’t care or help so my friend’s mom is stuck helping this old lady. I’m sure my friend’s mom will find her dead if she didn’t help her.

Your friends mom is welcome to step back. She isn’t ‘stuck’ doing anything, she is choosing to, and martyring herself in the process 🙄

I’m not sure I could turn my back on someone who can’t get to appointments or buy food without assistance.

Im surprised how many people are saying to just continue to ignore. This is your mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not do anything proactively for her. I would simply respond to the neighbors that you are not involved and that they should ask the state to handle it if they continue to be concerned.

My friend’s mother helps a neighbor friend who is estranged from her adult children. It is a lot when adults get elderly and can no longer care for themselves. They also reached out to her kids and they didn’t care or help so my friend’s mom is stuck helping this old lady. I’m sure my friend’s mom will find her dead if she didn’t help her.

Your friends mom is welcome to step back. She isn’t ‘stuck’ doing anything, she is choosing to, and martyring herself in the process 🙄

I’m not sure I could turn my back on someone who can’t get to appointments or buy food without assistance.

Im surprised how many people are saying to just continue to ignore. This is your mother.

There are people all over the country--perhaps even on your street--of whom this is true. "How can you ignore your own neighbors this way?" someone might fairly ask you.

Mothers have great power and also great responsibility. When we fail to meet those responsibilities, by and large we are not the ones who pay the highest price. We are not owed things for having chosen to parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not do anything proactively for her. I would simply respond to the neighbors that you are not involved and that they should ask the state to handle it if they continue to be concerned.

How could you turn your back on your own mother like this? Wow.

I have a horrible relationship with my mother. I still see her and suffer.

To the OP, she may eventually need to go into a nursing home. I would at least make sure she moves to one.

My dad’s health is deteriorating and he would need to be in a home if he were alone. He gets 50-60 hours of home aid care, my brother helps him probably 20 hours and my mom does the rest. My dad needs around the clock care. I live out of state. I help out financially. We paid off the house and pay all the bills. My parents get social security, which pays for their food. I also gave them my credit card and they charge a few hundred on various things per month.

That sounds really unpleasant and like the sort of things that may have negative impacts on either you personally or the family you've formed. Not everyone balances those interests in the way you do, is the answer to your question.

My mom is extremely uptight, unpleasant, judgmental, demanding and has no filter. She does love me and wants the best for me and her grandchildren. I keep visits short.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure if OP is the one who said the mother said her child was a bastard. I am married but if I did have a child out of wedlock, my parents would probably have disowned me. I still would visit them if they were dying.

I am the OP and my mother told me that my child is a bastard and that I should've aborted him. I didn't depend on her for anything and I still married my child's father, we've been together for years.

[Anonymous]

OP, you said your mom did nothing for your grandmother when she was elderly. Are you unconsciously about to repeat a pattern? Because understand that you ARE burdening the neighbors. The posters on here telling you how to try to do something to help while setting reasonable boundaries are right. I say this from the perspective of having had to deal with this as a landlord in a small building where a long-time tenant developed dementia, hoarding and chronic incontinence, causing great distress for the other tenants. The family of the elderly tenant had an attitude similar to yours. It was left to everyone else to try to track down elder services, non-profits, etc.

[Anonymous]

I don't see that the OP is interfering or wishing ill with her mom's care at all. The reality is that no-one wants to deal with her mother. The neighbors certainly do not either. Would you? Would you want to deal with an elderly neighbor whose kids want nothing to do with her? Obviously they also must think that something's gone wrong. OP's simply trying to figure out what she should do given that nobody wants to deal with her mother. Perhaps the best is to call the local social services and see what they say. Otherwise the reality is that "someone" will find her dead and that's the end of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you said your mom did nothing for your grandmother when she was elderly. Are you unconsciously about to repeat a pattern? Because understand that you ARE burdening the neighbors. The posters on here telling you how to try to do something to help while setting reasonable boundaries are right. I say this from the perspective of having had to deal with this as a landlord in a small building where a long-time tenant developed dementia, hoarding and chronic incontinence, causing great distress for the other tenants. The family of the elderly tenant had an attitude similar to yours. It was left to everyone else to try to track down elder services, non-profits, etc.

Op here and I am not forcing or asking neighbors to do anything they don't want to do. They don't have to do a thing. I have notified the elder care services in her area and they will check on her. But because she is "sane", she will refuse the help. I know the courts will need to get involved to eventually declare her incompetent. At this point, she will not sign the power of attorney to anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't see that the OP is interfering or wishing ill with her mom's care at all. The reality is that no-one wants to deal with her mother. The neighbors certainly do not either. Would you? Would you want to deal with an elderly neighbor whose kids want nothing to do with her? Obviously they also must think that something's gone wrong. OP's simply trying to figure out what she should do given that nobody wants to deal with her mother. Perhaps the best is to call the local social services and see what they say. Otherwise the reality is that "someone" will find her dead and that's the end of it.

We don’t know what the neighbors or others are willing to do.

Yes, I have been the primary caretaker for neighbors and friends whose children for various reasons were in absentia, including estrangement by their children. Sometimes people are awful to their children, but not to others. Sometimes children unfairly blame and go NC with parents. It was fine for me.

OP is estranged from her mother. She ought to leave it alone. She has no clue what her mother’s needs are or what her mother wants. She chose to sever the relationship. You can’t just call from afar or show up, especially when you have such a vitriolic attitude towards the elder, and start making decisions. Justified or not, when you go NC, you no longer have the right or responsibility for the parent. And it’s not in the elder’s interest for someone with so much anger to make decisions about them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't see that the OP is interfering or wishing ill with her mom's care at all. The reality is that no-one wants to deal with her mother. The neighbors certainly do not either. Would you? Would you want to deal with an elderly neighbor whose kids want nothing to do with her? Obviously they also must think that something's gone wrong. OP's simply trying to figure out what she should do given that nobody wants to deal with her mother. Perhaps the best is to call the local social services and see what they say. Otherwise the reality is that "someone" will find her dead and that's the end of it.

We don’t know what the neighbors or others are willing to do.

Yes, I have been the primary caretaker for neighbors and friends whose children for various reasons were in absentia, including estrangement by their children. Sometimes people are awful to their children, but not to others. Sometimes children unfairly blame and go NC with parents. It was fine for me.

OP is estranged from her mother. She ought to leave it alone. She has no clue what her mother’s needs are or what her mother wants. She chose to sever the relationship. You can’t just call from afar or show up, especially when you have such a vitriolic attitude towards the elder, and start making decisions. Justified or not, when you go NC, you no longer have the right or responsibility for the parent. And it’s not in the elder’s interest for someone with so much anger to make decisions about them.

And she doesn't want to? She doesnt have to do anything for the person who birthed her. It's no ones responsibility to take care of you in old age but yourself.

[Anonymous]

One thing that’s helped me is thinking of this through the lens of the law.

Our society has decided to make it very difficult to take away a sane adult’s right to live how they choose, even if it’s unsafe to them. I didn’t set it up that way. But I’d rather live in a world where we intervene a little too late than infringing on the rights of autonomous adults.

OP’s mom has made her choices about how to live. The law supports her mom in making those choices. Competent adults (and I use that term loosely) can decide to live in unsafe conditions. There are even posts on this board where adult kids with loving relationships with their parents are struggling to get their aging parents to make different choices and it always lands in the same place. Adults get to make their own decisions and we don’t compel them to prioritize their own safety.

I’m estranged from my mom and intend to do the same as OP. Let it unfold. I do think it might be hard for me if my mom were to ask directly for my help. Or ask directly to see me. But I doubt it will ever happen so I don’t spend too much time thinking of how I’ll handle it if that happens.