Declining estranged mother...next steps

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you’re estranged, be estranged. Don’t do anything. But don’t trash her to the neighbors. Tell them you’re not involved and leave it at that. YOU made that bed, now lie in it. Trashing her to the neighbors is just vengeful. Will you want every bad thing you did broadcast when you are ill? We all do bad things. Yes, every one of us.

Sounds like you want to look good to the neighbors without doing any good.

Do you steal money from your children? Do you call your daughter a whore for having a child out of wedlock? Do you call your grandson a bastard? Because if you do, you are just like our mother.

SHE made her bed. She alienated her children, her siblings, her friends. To add insult to the injury, when she retired, no one wanted to throw her a going away party. No one. She worked there for 20+ years and has not made a single friend. Maybe to you we are horrible people. But it took us years to break away from her.

Like I said, if you’re estranged, be estranged. Stay out of her affairs with her neighbors. If they contact you, say we don’t have a relationship and leave it at that. You seem to want vengeance. If she’s such a monster, it’s safer for you to leave her alone. You’re obviously really angry. I didn’t judge your choice to be estranged, but I’ll judge your active punishment. Just leave her alone. You can’t control her. You’re not responsible for her.

I have been responsible for most of the elder care in my large family, and it’s been a panoply of personalities including some abusive ones. There was one that I did not care for because of the level of abuse. But I didn’t sabotage her care either. I just stepped back and said I wasn’t caring for her. She was crazy violent with family and sweet with others. I’m sure her neighbors and friends had some opinions about me, but I don’t really care. They cared for her, she was fine, they were fine. That’s it. I didn’t go on a campaign to deprive her of what she had.

Why are you trying to insinuate that OP is "sabotaging" her care? Where do you see her "actively punishing" her mom?? No where did she ever say that. And she doesnt sound like she wants vengeance, she sounds conflicted and extremely hurt. You should probably try reading the posts you respond to if you're going to bother giving "advice" - this is just admonishment.

Because she’s talking about interfering with the neighbors. That’s not NC, it’s vengeance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you’re estranged, be estranged. Don’t do anything. But don’t trash her to the neighbors. Tell them you’re not involved and leave it at that. YOU made that bed, now lie in it. Trashing her to the neighbors is just vengeful. Will you want every bad thing you did broadcast when you are ill? We all do bad things. Yes, every one of us.

Sounds like you want to look good to the neighbors without doing any good.

Do you steal money from your children? Do you call your daughter a whore for having a child out of wedlock? Do you call your grandson a bastard? Because if you do, you are just like our mother.

SHE made her bed. She alienated her children, her siblings, her friends. To add insult to the injury, when she retired, no one wanted to throw her a going away party. No one. She worked there for 20+ years and has not made a single friend. Maybe to you we are horrible people. But it took us years to break away from her.

Like I said, if you’re estranged, be estranged. Stay out of her affairs with her neighbors. If they contact you, say we don’t have a relationship and leave it at that. You seem to want vengeance. If she’s such a monster, it’s safer for you to leave her alone. You’re obviously really angry. I didn’t judge your choice to be estranged, but I’ll judge your active punishment. Just leave her alone. You can’t control her. You’re not responsible for her.

I have been responsible for most of the elder care in my large family, and it’s been a panoply of personalities including some abusive ones. There was one that I did not care for because of the level of abuse. But I didn’t sabotage her care either. I just stepped back and said I wasn’t caring for her. She was crazy violent with family and sweet with others. I’m sure her neighbors and friends had some opinions about me, but I don’t really care. They cared for her, she was fine, they were fine. That’s it. I didn’t go on a campaign to deprive her of what she had.

Why are you trying to insinuate that OP is "sabotaging" her care? Where do you see her "actively punishing" her mom?? No where did she ever say that. And she doesnt sound like she wants vengeance, she sounds conflicted and extremely hurt. You should probably try reading the posts you respond to if you're going to bother giving "advice" - this is just admonishment.

Because she’s talking about interfering with the neighbors. That’s not NC, it’s vengeance.

How on earth did you determine she wants to interfere with the neighbors? I didn't read that at all?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you’re estranged, be estranged. Don’t do anything. But don’t trash her to the neighbors. Tell them you’re not involved and leave it at that. YOU made that bed, now lie in it. Trashing her to the neighbors is just vengeful. Will you want every bad thing you did broadcast when you are ill? We all do bad things. Yes, every one of us.

Sounds like you want to look good to the neighbors without doing any good.

Do you steal money from your children? Do you call your daughter a whore for having a child out of wedlock? Do you call your grandson a bastard? Because if you do, you are just like our mother.

SHE made her bed. She alienated her children, her siblings, her friends. To add insult to the injury, when she retired, no one wanted to throw her a going away party. No one. She worked there for 20+ years and has not made a single friend. Maybe to you we are horrible people. But it took us years to break away from her.

Like I said, if you’re estranged, be estranged. Stay out of her affairs with her neighbors. If they contact you, say we don’t have a relationship and leave it at that. You seem to want vengeance. If she’s such a monster, it’s safer for you to leave her alone. You’re obviously really angry. I didn’t judge your choice to be estranged, but I’ll judge your active punishment. Just leave her alone. You can’t control her. You’re not responsible for her.

I have been responsible for most of the elder care in my large family, and it’s been a panoply of personalities including some abusive ones. There was one that I did not care for because of the level of abuse. But I didn’t sabotage her care either. I just stepped back and said I wasn’t caring for her. She was crazy violent with family and sweet with others. I’m sure her neighbors and friends had some opinions about me, but I don’t really care. They cared for her, she was fine, they were fine. That’s it. I didn’t go on a campaign to deprive her of what she had.

Why are you trying to insinuate that OP is "sabotaging" her care? Where do you see her "actively punishing" her mom?? No where did she ever say that. And she doesnt sound like she wants vengeance, she sounds conflicted and extremely hurt. You should probably try reading the posts you respond to if you're going to bother giving "advice" - this is just admonishment.

Because she’s talking about interfering with the neighbors. That’s not NC, it’s vengeance.

How on earth did you determine she wants to interfere with the neighbors? I didn't read that at all?

She’s very caught up in feeling badly for the neighbors and angry that her mother “masks” so well. If mom gets along with the neighbors, so be it. She also swings between describing how wicked her mother is and then wringing her hands about intervening. It comes across as someone who hates their parent yet wants to look good and make sure people know mom’s a monster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you’re estranged, be estranged. Don’t do anything. But don’t trash her to the neighbors. Tell them you’re not involved and leave it at that. YOU made that bed, now lie in it. Trashing her to the neighbors is just vengeful. Will you want every bad thing you did broadcast when you are ill? We all do bad things. Yes, every one of us.

Sounds like you want to look good to the neighbors without doing any good.

Do you steal money from your children? Do you call your daughter a whore for having a child out of wedlock? Do you call your grandson a bastard? Because if you do, you are just like our mother.

SHE made her bed. She alienated her children, her siblings, her friends. To add insult to the injury, when she retired, no one wanted to throw her a going away party. No one. She worked there for 20+ years and has not made a single friend. Maybe to you we are horrible people. But it took us years to break away from her.

Like I said, if you’re estranged, be estranged. Stay out of her affairs with her neighbors. If they contact you, say we don’t have a relationship and leave it at that. You seem to want vengeance. If she’s such a monster, it’s safer for you to leave her alone. You’re obviously really angry. I didn’t judge your choice to be estranged, but I’ll judge your active punishment. Just leave her alone. You can’t control her. You’re not responsible for her.

I have been responsible for most of the elder care in my large family, and it’s been a panoply of personalities including some abusive ones. There was one that I did not care for because of the level of abuse. But I didn’t sabotage her care either. I just stepped back and said I wasn’t caring for her. She was crazy violent with family and sweet with others. I’m sure her neighbors and friends had some opinions about me, but I don’t really care. They cared for her, she was fine, they were fine. That’s it. I didn’t go on a campaign to deprive her of what she had.

Why are you trying to insinuate that OP is "sabotaging" her care? Where do you see her "actively punishing" her mom?? No where did she ever say that. And she doesnt sound like she wants vengeance, she sounds conflicted and extremely hurt. You should probably try reading the posts you respond to if you're going to bother giving "advice" - this is just admonishment.

Because she’s talking about interfering with the neighbors. That’s not NC, it’s vengeance.

You have it completely backwards. It sounds like Op was just minding here own business and the neighbors “interfered” with her by reaching out to advise her of her mom’s condition and presumably imply she should be doing something about it (without knowing the backstory about the relationship).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you’re estranged, be estranged. Don’t do anything. But don’t trash her to the neighbors. Tell them you’re not involved and leave it at that. YOU made that bed, now lie in it. Trashing her to the neighbors is just vengeful. Will you want every bad thing you did broadcast when you are ill? We all do bad things. Yes, every one of us.

Sounds like you want to look good to the neighbors without doing any good.

Do you steal money from your children? Do you call your daughter a whore for having a child out of wedlock? Do you call your grandson a bastard? Because if you do, you are just like our mother.

SHE made her bed. She alienated her children, her siblings, her friends. To add insult to the injury, when she retired, no one wanted to throw her a going away party. No one. She worked there for 20+ years and has not made a single friend. Maybe to you we are horrible people. But it took us years to break away from her.

Like I said, if you’re estranged, be estranged. Stay out of her affairs with her neighbors. If they contact you, say we don’t have a relationship and leave it at that. You seem to want vengeance. If she’s such a monster, it’s safer for you to leave her alone. You’re obviously really angry. I didn’t judge your choice to be estranged, but I’ll judge your active punishment. Just leave her alone. You can’t control her. You’re not responsible for her.

I have been responsible for most of the elder care in my large family, and it’s been a panoply of personalities including some abusive ones. There was one that I did not care for because of the level of abuse. But I didn’t sabotage her care either. I just stepped back and said I wasn’t caring for her. She was crazy violent with family and sweet with others. I’m sure her neighbors and friends had some opinions about me, but I don’t really care. They cared for her, she was fine, they were fine. That’s it. I didn’t go on a campaign to deprive her of what she had.

Why are you trying to insinuate that OP is "sabotaging" her care? Where do you see her "actively punishing" her mom?? No where did she ever say that. And she doesnt sound like she wants vengeance, she sounds conflicted and extremely hurt. You should probably try reading the posts you respond to if you're going to bother giving "advice" - this is just admonishment.

Because she’s talking about interfering with the neighbors. That’s not NC, it’s vengeance.

You have it completely backwards. It sounds like Op was just minding here own business and the neighbors “interfered” with her by reaching out to advise her of her mom’s condition and presumably imply she should be doing something about it (without knowing the backstory about the relationship).

And all she had to do was say, “I don’t have a relationship with my mother. I won’t be participating in her care.” But here we are

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you’re estranged, be estranged. Don’t do anything. But don’t trash her to the neighbors. Tell them you’re not involved and leave it at that. YOU made that bed, now lie in it. Trashing her to the neighbors is just vengeful. Will you want every bad thing you did broadcast when you are ill? We all do bad things. Yes, every one of us.

Sounds like you want to look good to the neighbors without doing any good.

Do you steal money from your children? Do you call your daughter a whore for having a child out of wedlock? Do you call your grandson a bastard? Because if you do, you are just like our mother.

SHE made her bed. She alienated her children, her siblings, her friends. To add insult to the injury, when she retired, no one wanted to throw her a going away party. No one. She worked there for 20+ years and has not made a single friend. Maybe to you we are horrible people. But it took us years to break away from her.

That has nothing to do with PP’s saying “don’t trash her to the neighbors”. There’s no reason to do that. Just say you are estranged, and acknowledge that yes, we all have our flaws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, feel free to ignore the toxic guilt trippers. They have no idea what this situation is like and simply can’t fathom the levels of abuse some parents do to their own children.

Have you done individual therapy? I think this might be helpful for you to sort through these complicated emotions. But ultimately, she is not your responsibility. The neighbours are free to step back if they choose, they are not your responsibility either. I really like 4:56’s reply.

This is also a great example of why people who have children just to have a caretaker in old age are f***ed in the head. You can’t treat your children like sh*t and expect them to fall over themselves to care for you unconditionally.

Funny thing is, she never took care of her own parents! She completely abandoned them and let her siblings do all the heavy lifting. Yet she was very offended they left her almost nothing in their wills. For her to expect us to take care of her is just "rich".

Your mother hasn’t asked anything of you, this is about the neighbor’s request.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you’re estranged, be estranged. Don’t do anything. But don’t trash her to the neighbors. Tell them you’re not involved and leave it at that. YOU made that bed, now lie in it. Trashing her to the neighbors is just vengeful. Will you want every bad thing you did broadcast when you are ill? We all do bad things. Yes, every one of us.

Sounds like you want to look good to the neighbors without doing any good.

Do you steal money from your children? Do you call your daughter a whore for having a child out of wedlock? Do you call your grandson a bastard? Because if you do, you are just like our mother.

SHE made her bed. She alienated her children, her siblings, her friends. To add insult to the injury, when she retired, no one wanted to throw her a going away party. No one. She worked there for 20+ years and has not made a single friend. Maybe to you we are horrible people. But it took us years to break away from her.

Like I said, if you’re estranged, be estranged. Stay out of her affairs with her neighbors. If they contact you, say we don’t have a relationship and leave it at that. You seem to want vengeance. If she’s such a monster, it’s safer for you to leave her alone. You’re obviously really angry. I didn’t judge your choice to be estranged, but I’ll judge your active punishment. Just leave her alone. You can’t control her. You’re not responsible for her.

I have been responsible for most of the elder care in my large family, and it’s been a panoply of personalities including some abusive ones. There was one that I did not care for because of the level of abuse. But I didn’t sabotage her care either. I just stepped back and said I wasn’t caring for her. She was crazy violent with family and sweet with others. I’m sure her neighbors and friends had some opinions about me, but I don’t really care. They cared for her, she was fine, they were fine. That’s it. I didn’t go on a campaign to deprive her of what she had.

Why are you trying to insinuate that OP is "sabotaging" her care? Where do you see her "actively punishing" her mom?? No where did she ever say that. And she doesnt sound like she wants vengeance, she sounds conflicted and extremely hurt. You should probably try reading the posts you respond to if you're going to bother giving "advice" - this is just admonishment.

Because she’s talking about interfering with the neighbors. That’s not NC, it’s vengeance.

How on earth did you determine she wants to interfere with the neighbors? I didn't read that at all?

She’s very caught up in feeling badly for the neighbors and angry that her mother “masks” so well. If mom gets along with the neighbors, so be it. She also swings between describing how wicked her mother is and then wringing her hands about intervening. It comes across as someone who hates their parent yet wants to look good and make sure people know mom’s a monster.

You seem to have a vendetta against OP, perhaps you feel angry that she is refusing to care for her parent, but it really seems like youre just making stuff up. Being estranged from a parent who you WANT to love and want to be loved BY is very difficult. Its a lot of complicated emotions. I'm not getting the picture you're painting at all. I see a woman who was deeply traumatized and trying to move on, but being pulled back into the fold with guilt from the neighbors (and pps here). Her mom does sound like a monster, she's ranting on here, anonymously, not telling that to the neighbor. She is worried that because her mom can mask so well, she may not end up with the help she needs - but she also doesnt want to be the one worrying or providing that help.

I'm guessing our life experiences are coloring our different views here. I've dealt with an abusive, estranged parent, and I can completely see OPs side. I had my Dads gf contacting me to try and guilt me into caring for him, but funny enough, just like OP, he never reached out directly. I cried to my husband about it and felt very conflicted. I wasn't hand wringing while being conflicted. I dunno, maybe some compassion for OPs position could go a long way here.

[Anonymous]

Call you local area on aging and explain the situation and see what government resources they can deploy to help her.

[Anonymous]

I get it, OP. You’re not estranged from the neighbors.

If you don’t want to get involved, just give the neighbors the number for local adult protective services and tell them gently but firmly that you’re not involved and to please refrain from contacting you.

[Anonymous]

Kindness to the neighbors would be clarity: “We’re estranged and I won’t be able to help. I know there’s an agency on aging here—maybe there’s one there too. Hope you are well and Bob’s lumbago is better.”

[Anonymous]

I would not do anything proactively for her. I would simply respond to the neighbors that you are not involved and that they should ask the state to handle it if they continue to be concerned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not do anything proactively for her. I would simply respond to the neighbors that you are not involved and that they should ask the state to handle it if they continue to be concerned.

How could you turn your back on your own mother like this? Wow.

I have a horrible relationship with my mother. I still see her and suffer.

To the OP, she may eventually need to go into a nursing home. I would at least make sure she moves to one.

My dad’s health is deteriorating and he would need to be in a home if he were alone. He gets 50-60 hours of home aid care, my brother helps him probably 20 hours and my mom does the rest. My dad needs around the clock care. I live out of state. I help out financially. We paid off the house and pay all the bills. My parents get social security, which pays for their food. I also gave them my credit card and they charge a few hundred on various things per month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not do anything proactively for her. I would simply respond to the neighbors that you are not involved and that they should ask the state to handle it if they continue to be concerned.

My friend’s mother helps a neighbor friend who is estranged from her adult children. It is a lot when adults get elderly and can no longer care for themselves. They also reached out to her kids and they didn’t care or help so my friend’s mom is stuck helping this old lady. I’m sure my friend’s mom will find her dead if she didn’t help her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not do anything proactively for her. I would simply respond to the neighbors that you are not involved and that they should ask the state to handle it if they continue to be concerned.

My friend’s mother helps a neighbor friend who is estranged from her adult children. It is a lot when adults get elderly and can no longer care for themselves. They also reached out to her kids and they didn’t care or help so my friend’s mom is stuck helping this old lady. I’m sure my friend’s mom will find her dead if she didn’t help her.

So you suggest we do what...? Drop everything, move closer to her, with our families, just so "neighbors don't find her dead"?