Declining estranged mother...next steps

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not do anything proactively for her. I would simply respond to the neighbors that you are not involved and that they should ask the state to handle it if they continue to be concerned.

My friend’s mother helps a neighbor friend who is estranged from her adult children. It is a lot when adults get elderly and can no longer care for themselves. They also reached out to her kids and they didn’t care or help so my friend’s mom is stuck helping this old lady. I’m sure my friend’s mom will find her dead if she didn’t help her.

So you suggest we do what...? Drop everything, move closer to her, with our families, just so "neighbors don't find her dead"?

There is something between drop everything and do nothing. You could start by visiting and accessing the situation.

[Anonymous]

I’m not sure if OP is the one who said the mother said her child was a bastard. I am married but if I did have a child out of wedlock, my parents would probably have disowned me. I still would visit them if they were dying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I would do nothing. She made her bed and now she has to lie in it.

My brother thinks the same but I feel bad that her neighbors are doing anything. I am trying to wrap my head around how can a person who barely leaves the house and was always rather frugal, blows through her savings but oh well. I know she won't let us look at her finances

So what do people w/o families typically do in these situations? Government just steps in?

OP doesn't have to do anything, but she should know there is no "government steps in." There are very few social services anywhere and they are universally overwhelmed. If the elderly person can't or won't seek the services that are available - including from charities, which often do more than govt - then typically nothing will happen.

I'm not judging estrangement. I just dislike that people assume somebody else will step in at a certain point -- nope.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you’re estranged, be estranged. Don’t do anything. But don’t trash her to the neighbors. Tell them you’re not involved and leave it at that. YOU made that bed, now lie in it. Trashing her to the neighbors is just vengeful. Will you want every bad thing you did broadcast when you are ill? We all do bad things. Yes, every one of us.

Sounds like you want to look good to the neighbors without doing any good.

Do you steal money from your children? Do you call your daughter a whore for having a child out of wedlock? Do you call your grandson a bastard? Because if you do, you are just like our mother.

SHE made her bed. She alienated her children, her siblings, her friends. To add insult to the injury, when she retired, no one wanted to throw her a going away party. No one. She worked there for 20+ years and has not made a single friend. Maybe to you we are horrible people. But it took us years to break away from her.

Like I said, if you’re estranged, be estranged. Stay out of her affairs with her neighbors. If they contact you, say we don’t have a relationship and leave it at that. You seem to want vengeance. If she’s such a monster, it’s safer for you to leave her alone. You’re obviously really angry. I didn’t judge your choice to be estranged, but I’ll judge your active punishment. Just leave her alone. You can’t control her. You’re not responsible for her.

I have been responsible for most of the elder care in my large family, and it’s been a panoply of personalities including some abusive ones. There was one that I did not care for because of the level of abuse. But I didn’t sabotage her care either. I just stepped back and said I wasn’t caring for her. She was crazy violent with family and sweet with others. I’m sure her neighbors and friends had some opinions about me, but I don’t really care. They cared for her, she was fine, they were fine. That’s it. I didn’t go on a campaign to deprive her of what she had.

Why are you trying to insinuate that OP is "sabotaging" her care? Where do you see her "actively punishing" her mom?? No where did she ever say that. And she doesnt sound like she wants vengeance, she sounds conflicted and extremely hurt. You should probably try reading the posts you respond to if you're going to bother giving "advice" - this is just admonishment.

Because she’s talking about interfering with the neighbors. That’s not NC, it’s vengeance.

How on earth did you determine she wants to interfere with the neighbors? I didn't read that at all?

She’s very caught up in feeling badly for the neighbors and angry that her mother “masks” so well. If mom gets along with the neighbors, so be it. She also swings between describing how wicked her mother is and then wringing her hands about intervening. It comes across as someone who hates their parent yet wants to look good and make sure people know mom’s a monster.

You seem to have a vendetta against OP, perhaps you feel angry that she is refusing to care for her parent, but it really seems like youre just making stuff up. Being estranged from a parent who you WANT to love and want to be loved BY is very difficult. Its a lot of complicated emotions. I'm not getting the picture you're painting at all. I see a woman who was deeply traumatized and trying to move on, but being pulled back into the fold with guilt from the neighbors (and pps here). Her mom does sound like a monster, she's ranting on here, anonymously, not telling that to the neighbor. She is worried that because her mom can mask so well, she may not end up with the help she needs - but she also doesnt want to be the one worrying or providing that help.

I'm guessing our life experiences are coloring our different views here. I've dealt with an abusive, estranged parent, and I can completely see OPs side. I had my Dads gf contacting me to try and guilt me into caring for him, but funny enough, just like OP, he never reached out directly. I cried to my husband about it and felt very conflicted. I wasn't hand wringing while being conflicted. I dunno, maybe some compassion for OPs position could go a long way here.

I don’t have a vendetta against OP or any stranger on a message board. I expressed my point of view and answered questions. If you’d read my other responses you’d know that I have been the primary caretaker for most of the elders in my large family, including some who were abusive. You would also know that I was NC with one and declined caring for her because the level of abuse had been so intense. It’s a mistake to assume that you have a monopoly on intergenerational trauma.

The point of being estranged or NC is that you’ve made the choice that it’s too damaging to have a relationship (of course there are some who do it to cause pain, but I’m taking everyone at their word here). I’m not condemning it. I did it myself. I do get the vibe that OP wants to sabotage her mother, and that I don’t condone. She doesn’t have an obligation to help her, but it’s wrong for her to interfere.

[Anonymous]

OP, make a call or write a letter to adult protective services. Make sure to let them know that she’s good as masking, and that it’s your understanding she is running out of money but should have had enough to last much longer. She might have been a victim of identity theft or some kind of scam where she’s given away much of her savings to a fraudster. Make the report and then drop the rope again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:


The neighbors are making a choice to help her. You can politely thank them for their efforts and also remind them that you and your brother do not have a relationship with your mother right now and are not interested in changing that due to her behavior. You would not even know that this was going on if neighbors had not gotten in touch with you. She has a home care agency helping, which is what you would be getting established anyway. Those people will note problems and escalate if necessary. You will probably be contacted at some point as next of kin, but my understanding is that you actually are not obligated to accept that responsibility. You can decline, and the person asking will go down the list.

We are estranged from my husband's mother for similar reasons. It's been about a year and a half since he went no-contact with her. If we were informed that she was declining in health, my response would be, "Thank you for letting me know. As you are aware, we don't have a relationship with Jan anymore due to her abusive behavior, and for this reason, we are not able to help with the situation." It feels awful and cold, but when I think about the reasons we had to cut her out of our lives, it reminds me how I don't want to expose my kids or my amazing husband to his toxic mom, no matter how much empathy I have as a human for another suffering human.


I just hate imposing on other people. The neighbors seem very nice people but they have their own families. I may not like our mother but the thought of her lying there alone is just cruel. Maybe I am getting sentimental with age, but I think our Dad would be so mad at us for not helping her. He was a great guy, we loved him.



This is why. You ARE imposing on the neighbors. And yes, no matter how awful your mom may be---abandoning her IS cruel. Be better than she has been. The fact that you know your current behavior would distress your late father whom you loved is your conscience telling you what to do. But most importantly, your behavior is what you are modelling for your children. You can model setting boundaries AND stepping up to basic human decency. How your children see you treat your mom will be what they carry with them and if they see you abandon her, then the same thing may one day happen to you.

What a crock. You always with this crap that your kids are going to treat you blah blah blah. I guarantee op has a very different relationship with her children and has more respect for them than her mother ever did. Useless drivel prior poster.

[Anonymous]

The post above was aimed at the poster who tacked on the last paragraph at 08/22/2024 11:12

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound just like her, "your children will pay you back". She hates our children. What exactly you want me to model? Fake love and affection? Our lesson to the kids should be "Pretend everything is fine and force yourself to love and respect someone". Yes, we loved our father. No question, we would've helped him if he ever needed it. He was a decent human being, who should've divorced her ages ago. We would've totally gone with him. PP, you simply don't know what it's like to grow up with a parent who never wanted you.

L
Well put. GrandmaBigPants makes an appearance in every one of these posts and never acknowledges how much damage people can do and that evil, horrible people often end up being parents and are evil and horrible to their children.

[Anonymous]

The posters who post “how could you” or “just suck it up” don’t understand the physical symptoms that can come with interacting with an abuser.

I can hardly breathe around my mother and when I consider seeing her or hearing her voice I feel sick to my stomach.

People understand this for let’s say a sexual assault victim who might be forced to see their perpetrator.

At the core of it it is not much different for many of those who were the victims of emotional and physical abuse from their parent(s).

To make it all the more complicated I still love my mother and grieve so much that has never been and apparently cannot be. I am still her child and long for that connection we are all born yearning for. Hence reparenting but the pain remains.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I would do nothing. She made her bed and now she has to lie in it.

My brother thinks the same but I feel bad that her neighbors are doing anything. I am trying to wrap my head around how can a person who barely leaves the house and was always rather frugal, blows through her savings but oh well. I know she won't let us look at her finances

So what do people w/o families typically do in these situations? Government just steps in?

The neighbors are making a choice to help her. You can politely thank them for their efforts and also remind them that you and your brother do not have a relationship with your mother right now and are not interested in changing that due to her behavior. You would not even know that this was going on if neighbors had not gotten in touch with you. She has a home care agency helping, which is what you would be getting established anyway. Those people will note problems and escalate if necessary. You will probably be contacted at some point as next of kin, but my understanding is that you actually are not obligated to accept that responsibility. You can decline, and the person asking will go down the list.

We are estranged from my husband's mother for similar reasons. It's been about a year and a half since he went no-contact with her. If we were informed that she was declining in health, my response would be, "Thank you for letting me know. As you are aware, we don't have a relationship with Jan anymore due to her abusive behavior, and for this reason, we are not able to help with the situation." It feels awful and cold, but when I think about the reasons we had to cut her out of our lives, it reminds me how I don't want to expose my kids or my amazing husband to his toxic mom, no matter how much empathy I have as a human for another suffering human.

I just hate imposing on other people. The neighbors seem very nice people but they have their own families. I may not like our mother but the thought of her lying there alone is just cruel. Maybe I am getting sentimental with age, but I think our Dad would be so mad at us for not helping her. He was a great guy, we loved him.

I also have a difficult mother who I would love to cut off but haven't because of my dad. I think you should try to figure out what resources are available for low income seniors assisted living, then re-engage with her for a weekend visit, staying at hotel. Just has to be one day. Tell her your neighbors are concerned and would like her to look into a new living situation. See how that goes.

[Anonymous]

Also if you are re-engaged and get her into assisted living, make sure you use her remaining money for listing and cleaning out the house. Don't try to maintain any of her assets.

[Anonymous]

Adding that many people on this board are hurting themselves by not getting closure with their parents. My mother was very physically abusive, borderline personality disorder who wrecked havoc on our lives. Letting her die alone in the filth of our family home is not going to even the score or make me feel better about the type of person I am.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not do anything proactively for her. I would simply respond to the neighbors that you are not involved and that they should ask the state to handle it if they continue to be concerned.

How could you turn your back on your own mother like this? Wow.

I have a horrible relationship with my mother. I still see her and suffer.

To the OP, she may eventually need to go into a nursing home. I would at least make sure she moves to one.

My dad’s health is deteriorating and he would need to be in a home if he were alone. He gets 50-60 hours of home aid care, my brother helps him probably 20 hours and my mom does the rest. My dad needs around the clock care. I live out of state. I help out financially. We paid off the house and pay all the bills. My parents get social security, which pays for their food. I also gave them my credit card and they charge a few hundred on various things per month.

No need to try and guilt trip people who have different family dynamics than you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not do anything proactively for her. I would simply respond to the neighbors that you are not involved and that they should ask the state to handle it if they continue to be concerned.

My friend’s mother helps a neighbor friend who is estranged from her adult children. It is a lot when adults get elderly and can no longer care for themselves. They also reached out to her kids and they didn’t care or help so my friend’s mom is stuck helping this old lady. I’m sure my friend’s mom will find her dead if she didn’t help her.

Your friends mom is welcome to step back. She isn’t ‘stuck’ doing anything, she is choosing to, and martyring herself in the process 🙄

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Adding that many people on this board are hurting themselves by not getting closure with their parents. My mother was very physically abusive, borderline personality disorder who wrecked havoc on our lives. Letting her die alone in the filth of our family home is not going to even the score or make me feel better about the type of person I am.

It would be timely to give advice if you have lived the experience through to an estranged parent's death. Have you? Otherwise, it sounds like your advice may be projection of your own situation and not necessarily relevant to others.