Declining estranged mother...next steps

[Anonymous]

My brother and I have been estranged from our mother for nearly 5 years. Completely estranged, meaning no phone calls, emails, zero communication. She is a very toxic, depressing person to be around. There is a lot of trauma, a lot of lying, malice.

We received a call from her neighbors over the weekend that she is declining. She almost never leaves the house. She barely cooks and cleans so they helped set her up with a homecare agency, she now has help. But they don't think she should be alone so they reached out to both of us. They know we have no relationship but felt that we should know and maybe step in put her into assisted leaving. They also told us they suspected she blew through her savings and whatever money Dad has left her. Her assets are dwindling, luckily she has a roof over her head. There is only so much these neighbors can do, they are very nice people but they have their own families to worry about. I should add she's not very old, she is 72 years old. My ILs are in their early 80s and are much more active than her.

We both live in DMV area but she lives in the Midwest. We can hardly drop everything and move there to take care of her. We don't know where to start. How does one go about getting help/housing, especially with no one around them?

[Anonymous]

Well, I would do nothing. She made her bed and now she has to lie in it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, I would do nothing. She made her bed and now she has to lie in it.

My brother thinks the same but I feel bad that her neighbors are doing anything. I am trying to wrap my head around how can a person who barely leaves the house and was always rather frugal, blows through her savings but oh well. I know she won't let us look at her finances

So what do people w/o families typically do in these situations? Government just steps in?

[Anonymous]

You need to look at her state government housing for seniors, there should be a website and a number to call. There are probably social workers who can help her apply, but you need to get this started ASAP because there are waiting lists.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, I would do nothing. She made her bed and now she has to lie in it.

this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I would do nothing. She made her bed and now she has to lie in it.

My brother thinks the same but I feel bad that her neighbors are doing anything. I am trying to wrap my head around how can a person who barely leaves the house and was always rather frugal, blows through her savings but oh well. I know she won't let us look at her finances

So what do people w/o families typically do in these situations? Government just steps in?

No, they usually die at home and get found when a neighbor checks on them or the mailman smells something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I would do nothing. She made her bed and now she has to lie in it.

My brother thinks the same but I feel bad that her neighbors are doing anything. I am trying to wrap my head around how can a person who barely leaves the house and was always rather frugal, blows through her savings but oh well. I know she won't let us look at her finances

So what do people w/o families typically do in these situations? Government just steps in?

The neighbors are making a choice to help her. You can politely thank them for their efforts and also remind them that you and your brother do not have a relationship with your mother right now and are not interested in changing that due to her behavior. You would not even know that this was going on if neighbors had not gotten in touch with you. She has a home care agency helping, which is what you would be getting established anyway. Those people will note problems and escalate if necessary. You will probably be contacted at some point as next of kin, but my understanding is that you actually are not obligated to accept that responsibility. You can decline, and the person asking will go down the list.

We are estranged from my husband's mother for similar reasons. It's been about a year and a half since he went no-contact with her. If we were informed that she was declining in health, my response would be, "Thank you for letting me know. As you are aware, we don't have a relationship with Jan anymore due to her abusive behavior, and for this reason, we are not able to help with the situation." It feels awful and cold, but when I think about the reasons we had to cut her out of our lives, it reminds me how I don't want to expose my kids or my amazing husband to his toxic mom, no matter how much empathy I have as a human for another suffering human.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to look at her state government housing for seniors, there should be a website and a number to call. There are probably social workers who can help her apply, but you need to get this started ASAP because there are waiting lists.

No, she doesn't. She does not actually "need" to do any of that. If she needs to maintain a no-contact boundary, that is what she "needs" to do. She is not under an obligation to assume her mother's case management just because the neighbors asked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to look at her state government housing for seniors, there should be a website and a number to call. There are probably social workers who can help her apply, but you need to get this started ASAP because there are waiting lists.

No, she doesn't. She does not actually "need" to do any of that. If she needs to maintain a no-contact boundary, that is what she "needs" to do. She is not under an obligation to assume her mother's case management just because the neighbors asked.

True, true. OP doesn't need to lift a finger. However, personally, I would try and do something, for the neighbors' sakes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to look at her state government housing for seniors, there should be a website and a number to call. There are probably social workers who can help her apply, but you need to get this started ASAP because there are waiting lists.

No, she doesn't. She does not actually "need" to do any of that. If she needs to maintain a no-contact boundary, that is what she "needs" to do. She is not under an obligation to assume her mother's case management just because the neighbors asked.

True, true. OP doesn't need to lift a finger. However, personally, I would try and do something, for the neighbors' sakes.

I get it, but the reality is that anyone who has cut off contact for presumably good reasons should not get involved just because the neighbors called them. The neighbors can decide their boundaries in all this for themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, I would do nothing. She made her bed and now she has to lie in it.

Yep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to look at her state government housing for seniors, there should be a website and a number to call. There are probably social workers who can help her apply, but you need to get this started ASAP because there are waiting lists.

No, she doesn't. She does not actually "need" to do any of that. If she needs to maintain a no-contact boundary, that is what she "needs" to do. She is not under an obligation to assume her mother's case management just because the neighbors asked.

True, true. OP doesn't need to lift a finger. However, personally, I would try and do something, for the neighbors' sakes.

Personally, you would do that, okay. What I would do is thank the neighbors for letting me/brother know about the situation, remind them that they don't have a relationship with their mother, and tell him that if they want to continue helping, that is their decision, but that I will not be stepping in to find her housing or medical support. That they are welcome to continue to be supportive, but that I do not want to be involved or contacted about it again.

Boundaries are boundaries. Unless you have been in this position, it's pretty hard to say what you will and won't do. I didn't think that we would get to this point with my husband's mother, but we did, because of HER behavior and refusal to change. The only thing that was changing was that she got meaner and more toxic. It was really hard for him to cut her out of his life. We had to explain to the kids. We had to explain to other family members. It was terrible. But it was also very much the right decision after 45 years of abuse and toxicity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to look at her state government housing for seniors, there should be a website and a number to call. There are probably social workers who can help her apply, but you need to get this started ASAP because there are waiting lists.

No, she doesn't. She does not actually "need" to do any of that. If she needs to maintain a no-contact boundary, that is what she "needs" to do. She is not under an obligation to assume her mother's case management just because the neighbors asked.

True, true. OP doesn't need to lift a finger. However, personally, I would try and do something, for the neighbors' sakes.

Personally, you would do that, okay. What I would do is thank the neighbors for letting me/brother know about the situation, remind them that they don't have a relationship with their mother, and tell him that if they want to continue helping, that is their decision, but that I will not be stepping in to find her housing or medical support. That they are welcome to continue to be supportive, but that I do not want to be involved or contacted about it again.

Boundaries are boundaries. Unless you have been in this position, it's pretty hard to say what you will and won't do. I didn't think that we would get to this point with my husband's mother, but we did, because of HER behavior and refusal to change. The only thing that was changing was that she got meaner and more toxic. It was really hard for him to cut her out of his life. We had to explain to the kids. We had to explain to other family members. It was terrible. But it was also very much the right decision after 45 years of abuse and toxicity.

If she was so “toxic” and “abusive” why was it so “terrible” and “hard” to cut her out?

[Anonymous]

So you’re estranged, be estranged. Don’t do anything. But don’t trash her to the neighbors. Tell them you’re not involved and leave it at that. YOU made that bed, now lie in it. Trashing her to the neighbors is just vengeful. Will you want every bad thing you did broadcast when you are ill? We all do bad things. Yes, every one of us.

Sounds like you want to look good to the neighbors without doing any good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to look at her state government housing for seniors, there should be a website and a number to call. There are probably social workers who can help her apply, but you need to get this started ASAP because there are waiting lists.

No, she doesn't. She does not actually "need" to do any of that. If she needs to maintain a no-contact boundary, that is what she "needs" to do. She is not under an obligation to assume her mother's case management just because the neighbors asked.

True, true. OP doesn't need to lift a finger. However, personally, I would try and do something, for the neighbors' sakes.

Personally, you would do that, okay. What I would do is thank the neighbors for letting me/brother know about the situation, remind them that they don't have a relationship with their mother, and tell him that if they want to continue helping, that is their decision, but that I will not be stepping in to find her housing or medical support. That they are welcome to continue to be supportive, but that I do not want to be involved or contacted about it again.

Boundaries are boundaries. Unless you have been in this position, it's pretty hard to say what you will and won't do. I didn't think that we would get to this point with my husband's mother, but we did, because of HER behavior and refusal to change. The only thing that was changing was that she got meaner and more toxic. It was really hard for him to cut her out of his life. We had to explain to the kids. We had to explain to other family members. It was terrible. But it was also very much the right decision after 45 years of abuse and toxicity.

If she was so “toxic” and “abusive” why was it so “terrible” and “hard” to cut her out?

Not the op, but I can answer. It’s the same reason young children removed from an abusive household yearn to go back. There are so many complex emotions and yearnings and denial. You blame yourself and hold out hope for so long you can make it better until you break.