I am having a hard time understanding the hate!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The process is stressful. It's competitive, opaque, and filled with unknowns. Meanwhile, the gap between haves and have-nots in America is vast and getting bigger. And we are all watching our children close certain doors forever. People have a lot of anxiety. Anxious people lash out. The more anxious a person is -- and the less in touch they are with that anxiety -- the nastier they become.

Zooming out, many of the ugliest posts on here can actually be read as a sweetly human desperation for reassurance.

This place is like a Franzen novel, really. Sometimes you loathe the characters, but you feel for them, too.

PP. Add to the mix dopamine addiction, the veil of anonymity, deliberate trolls, and the culture wars and political polarization that seep into everything these days. And here we are. A whole lot of anxious people, many of whom are terrific at zingers but seem like they could probably use a bit of support handling the hard, murky stuff of being human.

Thank you for the considerate posts. I'm not perfect, but I reckon the best way to counter incivility and overzealousness is through polite, reasonable, and measured posts. And, of course, empathy because you're right about the stress and anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you post just to let random people know about your kid studying abroad? Otherwise I’m not sure what the purpose of this post is.

Yes. You caught me barging about my kid studying abroad. You should be a detective!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one cares. No need to explain or navel gaze.

+1

If you let other people's opinions matter so much, you will go thru life and be miserable. Common sense says, "pick the school that is a best fit for your kid. Don't worry about what others think" and move on with life.

I've toured Cornell---my kid hated it and I have to say I wasn't very impressed. Same kid looked at Columbia and said "nope not my style". They also visited RPI (because it's a "great engineering "school). and didn't even want to get out of the car---stated "no way in hell am I spending even 1 year there let alone 4"

So we dropped those schools from our potential lists and moved onto the ones my kid liked.

Opinions don't matter yet here is a bunch of mine!

LOL! The opinion paragraph came out of left field too....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So when people continually ask where the kid is headed to school, I should say “sorry, we aren’t releasing that information.” Seriously, wtf? I don’t volunteer the info unless asked. But apparently it’s bragging if the answer is an Ivy/T10.

^ and after asking and getting the info is when the behind the back gossip starts up.

You're giving your kid too much credit. Nobody gives AF where your kid goes to school. I actually tend to see it's the opposite, people laugh at morons willing to pay exorbitant fees for an Ivy/T10.

I actually agree with this. We've had so many people comment to us how expensive our DC's college is when they ask and we answer. It's sort of weird and could even be awkward but I just move on and let it go. DC was in lucky position to be able to choose where they went to school and have resources still left over for grad school. They didn't take it lightly - applied to a variety of colleges, including instate flagship and other less expensive schools. They chose the one with strongest program in their field and I think it was a good choice. Again - they were lucky to have that option and we know that. Thanks grandparents!

Some people are just not knowledgeable about the process and cost factors. DD goes to a mid-range LAC that gives everyone merit aid. We heard some comments about the expense of private schools and how they focused on public colleges. Her school costs us the same as VT where our other kid goes. If they have younger kids, I'm happy to get into a conversation about how merit aid works so they'll be better informed the next time around but otherwise I'll likely just say we don't pay the sticker price and move on.

Sure - that's true too - but in general, it's just weird to flatly comment about the cost of someone's college. Something about college makes people lost appropriate social conversation filters in real life.

It's like commenting on how much your house must have cost, or your car, or your outfit, or vacation .....whatever. It's a pretty personal choice about how people spend money and you never know what the full story of anyone's life is and what sorts of tradeoffs they've made (yes, some people have lots of money and aren't required to make many tradeoffs).

I remember people in my neighborhood getting hairs up when other neighbors sent kids to private school instead of our strong public....yet those same people who were shaming the private school families were taking lavish vacations 2x a year, leasing expensive cars, supporting their kids in costly sports (leasing horses, travel hockey, etc.) while the private school family had chosen to spend money on the private school and live more simply on these other dimensions. In the long run, I think some of these "shamers" saw the light - but others never did and still have chips on their shoulders.

What a waste of energy. So - best to ignore, smile, and move on to another subject - no explanations or "enlightenment of others" necessary.