It’s shocking how many parents tell us (DINKS) we “did it right”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As the title says. We don’t hate kids or anything, but we have encountered a number of instances over the last several years of our close friends and coworkers blurting out loud with very frank off the cuff remarks that we did it right and that they basically regret having their kids due to stress, finances, and lack of freedom. One coworker recently asked what we were doing for vacation this year, and I told her that we are going to Europe. She let out a loooong sigh and said, “I wish I were you and did it right.” I didn’t know how to respond and said nothing. Another family friend always, alllllways talks about how much better off he thinks he would have been if he didn’t have his two sons (one has a disability that requires intense care). I have no doubt he loves his sons, but I think he is definitely convinced his life would have been better (and definitely easier) without them.


But what is with so many parents seemingly regretting having their children these days? And not only that, but blurting the quiet part out loud is now acceptable? It’s also uncomfortable to tell us this simply because we don’t have kids. I don’t know what to say to you when you tell me you regret the biggest decision you made in your life, which is to produce another human.

You could say something symapthic like I'm sorry you are going through a rough patch. I hope it gets better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:G.d. This is a mean bunch of women.

Are you new here?

There are mean men here too

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When people say this, they’re usually just messing with you or preemptively trying to make you feel better about your childlessness. No one actually thinks you did it right. The friend you mentioned with the disabled son just sounds like a loser though.

Or someone going through a tough time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As the title says. We don’t hate kids or anything, but we have encountered a number of instances over the last several years of our close friends and coworkers blurting out loud with very frank off the cuff remarks that we did it right and that they basically regret having their kids due to stress, finances, and lack of freedom. One coworker recently asked what we were doing for vacation this year, and I told her that we are going to Europe. She let out a loooong sigh and said, “I wish I were you and did it right.” I didn’t know how to respond and said nothing. Another family friend always, alllllways talks about how much better off he thinks he would have been if he didn’t have his two sons (one has a disability that requires intense care). I have no doubt he loves his sons, but I think he is definitely convinced his life would have been better (and definitely easier) without them.


But what is with so many parents seemingly regretting having their children these days? And not only that, but blurting the quiet part out loud is now acceptable? It’s also uncomfortable to tell us this simply because we don’t have kids. I don’t know what to say to you when you tell me you regret the biggest decision you made in your life, which is to produce another human.

I say this all the time to my close DINK friends but I also don’t regret having kids…. If that makes sense. I just totally understand and respect their choice to be child free and I think that can be a very nice life. But at the same time I love my kids to death and feel like they are missing out on something gigantic and meaningful about life. I enjoy having DINK friends to vicariously imagine an alternative life I could have had …. But also they make me appreciate the kids I do have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel sorry for people without children. I really do. But I will never ever reveal my thoughts in any way. Instead, I will say something like, "oh wow, I wish we could just head off to Europe like you" but know that I am just blowing smoke up your a-s trying to make you feel good. Inside I feel pity for you.

The funniest part will be when the so called meaning of your life abandons you in old age and you die alone because everyone hates you for the lowlife, terrible parent that you probably are. Your kids secretly hate you and would love nothing better than to cutoff all ties.

We all die alone. Some people with kids have terrible lives with kids and some have terrible lives without kids.

But pp you stooped very low. You don't knoq anything about that poster's children or their relationship. You just wanted ti be mean.

Congrats.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:G.d. This is a mean bunch of women.

Are you new here?

People who call the board when MULTIPLE posters say the same thing basically do not like that the tone of the board is unvarnished honesty without all the real world social niceties mixed in.

Yes occasionally a single poster will be gratuitously mean. But if you are hearing the same thing from multiple people - it’s honesty nor meanness you’re getting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:G.d. This is a mean bunch of women.

Are you new here?

People who call the board when MULTIPLE posters say the same thing basically do not like that the tone of the board is unvarnished honesty without all the real world social niceties mixed in.

Yes occasionally a single poster will be gratuitously mean. But if you are hearing the same thing from multiple people - it’s honesty nor meanness you’re getting.

Or weirdly triggered people. I have 3 kids, btw.

[Anonymous]

You can say something like Let's get together when I'm back from vacation. I can share some pictures while we catch up over a glass of wine.

I have several DINK friends. We are in our late 40s/50s. They share that they regret not having kids. I'm glad they have become aunts and uncles to my kids.

I'm sure most have the grass is greener moments. Make the best of it either way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When people say this, they’re usually just messing with you or preemptively trying to make you feel better about your childlessness. No one actually thinks you did it right. The friend you mentioned with the disabled son just sounds like a loser though.

It's definitely this. People don't know what else to say and are trying to find something nice so they settle on expressing fake envy. But they wouldn't trade places for anything.

+1 it's not really like "I wish I didn't have kids" on some fundamental level. But for granular things (not going on an exotic vacation, missing specific plans and events, etc) I mean sure it would be easier without them and there are tradeoffs.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes I wish I didn’t have the stress and responsibility of raising a kid, but I don’t actually regret having him. You can both love your children and wish your life were easier. I can see myself saying that awkwardly perhaps. I think you’re reading too much into the responses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I might say something like this without meaning it, because secretly I feel sorry for you and your empty life.

+1 we all dream about some freedom but we’d never change our lives. No decent person would insult a DINK for choosing that life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As the title says. We don’t hate kids or anything, but we have encountered a number of instances over the last several years of our close friends and coworkers blurting out loud with very frank off the cuff remarks that we did it right and that they basically regret having their kids due to stress, finances, and lack of freedom. One coworker recently asked what we were doing for vacation this year, and I told her that we are going to Europe. She let out a loooong sigh and said, “I wish I were you and did it right.” I didn’t know how to respond and said nothing. Another family friend always, alllllways talks about how much better off he thinks he would have been if he didn’t have his two sons (one has a disability that requires intense care). I have no doubt he loves his sons, but I think he is definitely convinced his life would have been better (and definitely easier) without them.


But what is with so many parents seemingly regretting having their children these days? And not only that, but blurting the quiet part out loud is now acceptable? It’s also uncomfortable to tell us this simply because we don’t have kids. I don’t know what to say to you when you tell me you regret the biggest decision you made in your life, which is to produce another human.

Almost everyone has moments of regret.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read beyond the OP, but wanted to comment that parents feeling regret over parenthood is normal, healthy and doesn't mean they don't love their children.

I feel very bad for parents because most of them have nobody they can confide in about these feelings, the stigma is intense and often worst from fellow parents including many who feel regrets.

Having grown up abused and told on a regular basis I was a mistake who wasn't wanted, I very much understand the concern that parent regret will harm kids. I don't think that's true in all cases - if the feelings are shared in proper context they can be valuable in educating young people about choices and realities. It is entirely possible to let a child know they are loved and also teach them that parenting requires massive, life-altering sacrifices and that some sacrifices are or can be never ending.

I think we should be able to have a conversation about this issue, but I think it ranks above death as subjects that most people don't want to confront, ever.

[Anonymous]

Why is everyone saying that OP gets those responses because people don't know what to say, or because they pity her?

The people she's speaking to are either bad conversationalists, making up weird scenarios and projecting them on her, or telling the truth.

Bad conversationalist- for all the PPs saying the OP's friends/coworkers are saying they envy her only because they don't know what else to say- huh? Why not say "Oh, where in Europe?" Or, "I loved France when I visited after college?" Or even simply... "Oh, that'll be fun?"

Projecting weird scenarios- for all the PPs saying it's because the friends pity OP and are trying to make her feel better- is that how you really think of your friends? You pity your single friends on Valentine's Day, you pity your SAHM friends when they talk about having gone to storytime at the library, if you're a SAHM you pity your friends whose kids are being raised by nannies and daycare workers, you pity your friends without kids when they talk about vacation plans? Okay. Miserable people. Not very good friends.

Telling the truth- OP's friends are telling the truth when they speak to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I would tell you I envy your "freedom", etc, but I would say it because I pity you. Deeply pity you and feel so sad thinking of what your empty life must be like.

Also, what did you expect when you posted this on a parenting website?

If you need a child to not have an empty life, that says a lot more about you than OP.