It’s shocking how many parents tell us (DINKS) we “did it right”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They either have young kids or they say it to make you feel better.
Having a more or less independent child without major issues is truly great.

I have little kids and it really is challenging and can be hard. But I’ve also never been happier. I do not mention this to my friends w/o kids though. It just feels like it would be braggy or somehow be putting down their choices. Also, it’s hard to communicate the deep love you have for your child and how much the experience can open up your life. When hanging out with childless people I find it better to nod and crack a joke about not going on vacation or something.

I think childless by choice people understand the ups and downs parents experience. After all, they were kids once and saw this thru their mom and/or dad, and family and friends. There is a reason people choose not to have kids and it’s typically based on the understanding of what parenting entails and deciding it’s not for them.

Lol, no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They either have young kids or they say it to make you feel better.
Having a more or less independent child without major issues is truly great.

I have little kids and it really is challenging and can be hard. But I’ve also never been happier. I do not mention this to my friends w/o kids though. It just feels like it would be braggy or somehow be putting down their choices. Also, it’s hard to communicate the deep love you have for your child and how much the experience can open up your life. When hanging out with childless people I find it better to nod and crack a joke about not going on vacation or something.

I think childless by choice people understand the ups and downs parents experience. After all, they were kids once and saw this thru their mom and/or dad, and family and friends. There is a reason people choose not to have kids and it’s typically based on the understanding of what parenting entails and deciding it’s not for them.

Lol, no.

Yeah, I have to agree with pp on this. Childfree people have no idea. You really don't know what it's like until you are a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Eh, I think people are being too harsh with OP. I think there are indeed people who regret having kids or at least the hard parts of having them. Sometimes, it's a temporary blip but sometimes longer. When they say these things to you, you could ask them, "Really? Why do you say that?" out of genuine curiosity. Or maybe just chuckle and say, "Yes, being DINKS has its perks!"

There is more than a whiff of judgment in OPs post about producing humans without much care or thought. People are setting the record straight and it seems to be pretty universal that nobody actually regrets parenting, they just say something nice so OP doesn't feel like they're missing out.

In most cases, I think this is what is happening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As the title says. We don’t hate kids or anything, but we have encountered a number of instances over the last several years of our close friends and coworkers blurting out loud with very frank off the cuff remarks that we did it right and that they basically regret having their kids due to stress, finances, and lack of freedom. One coworker recently asked what we were doing for vacation this year, and I told her that we are going to Europe. She let out a loooong sigh and said, “I wish I were you and did it right.” I didn’t know how to respond and said nothing. Another family friend always, alllllways talks about how much better off he thinks he would have been if he didn’t have his two sons (one has a disability that requires intense care). I have no doubt he loves his sons, but I think he is definitely convinced his life would have been better (and definitely easier) without them.


But what is with so many parents seemingly regretting having their children these days? And not only that, but blurting the quiet part out loud is now acceptable? It’s also uncomfortable to tell us this simply because we don’t have kids. I don’t know what to say to you when you tell me you regret the biggest decision you made in your life, which is to produce another human.

It has always been acceptable to complain about hard it is to raise kids. It's really a type of small talk. It has never been acceptable to talk about kids being the best thing in your life when you are around childless people because that would come off as insensitive or bragging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As the title says. We don’t hate kids or anything, but we have encountered a number of instances over the last several years of our close friends and coworkers blurting out loud with very frank off the cuff remarks that we did it right and that they basically regret having their kids due to stress, finances, and lack of freedom. One coworker recently asked what we were doing for vacation this year, and I told her that we are going to Europe. She let out a loooong sigh and said, “I wish I were you and did it right.” I didn’t know how to respond and said nothing. Another family friend always, alllllways talks about how much better off he thinks he would have been if he didn’t have his two sons (one has a disability that requires intense care). I have no doubt he loves his sons, but I think he is definitely convinced his life would have been better (and definitely easier) without them.


But what is with so many parents seemingly regretting having their children these days? And not only that, but blurting the quiet part out loud is now acceptable? It’s also uncomfortable to tell us this simply because we don’t have kids. I don’t know what to say to you when you tell me you regret the biggest decision you made in your life, which is to produce another human.

It has always been acceptable to complain about hard it is to raise kids. It's really a type of small talk. It has never been acceptable to talk about kids being the best thing in your life when you are around childless people because that would come off as insensitive or bragging.

This.

[Anonymous]

These people genuinely look forward to the day when they will have your freedoms. But they also know that the raising-children portion of their lives passes rather quickly, and skipping it entirely is a highly questionable decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These people genuinely look forward to the day when they will have your freedoms. But they also know that the raising-children portion of their lives passes rather quickly, and skipping it entirely is a highly questionable decision.

Questionable in what way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel sorry for people without children. I really do. But I will never ever reveal my thoughts in any way. Instead, I will say something like, "oh wow, I wish we could just head off to Europe like you" but know that I am just blowing smoke up your a-s trying to make you feel good. Inside I feel pity for you.

I would not say that. The sentence makes you sound jealous instead of happy for the other person.

[Anonymous]

It’s sort of a “gallows humor,” probably common here because raising kinds in the USA
feels pretty stressful. I’ve definitely said it before, but it wasn’t a deep comment, more like a self-deprecating joke.

[Anonymous]

I would express fake envy to make you feel better. I get that not having kids is easier, but life would have a pointlessness to it. Extremely glad I have my sometimes difficult and annoying children.

[Anonymous]

Complete troll post. I know I am lucky but not just us but every family we know wouldn’t trade our kids for billions of dollars. Not just that but we are all traveling this summer and have great lives. We are taking the kids to Europe and planning the itinerary is more fun bc of them! We have money saved and feel a little sad that college era is coming in around 10 years for both kids. There is no “did it right”- there is just what works for you. I do think it’s possible they feel bad for you bc they can see you missed something you couldn’t possibly understand or value unless you lived it. Having your own children is that thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel sorry for people without children. I really do. But I will never ever reveal my thoughts in any way. Instead, I will say something like, "oh wow, I wish we could just head off to Europe like you" but know that I am just blowing smoke up your a-s trying to make you feel good. Inside I feel pity for you.

THIS!!!!!

[Anonymous]

I thought you were supposed to have kids so that you would have healthcare in your declining years.

[Anonymous]

1. Maybe you met them at a vulnerable/difficult moment and they uttered these words out of frustration with the lows of parenting. Because you're child free they see you as a safe person to utter this to. I don't think they really mean it.

2. Maybe it's just friendly banter.

3. Maybe they feel sorry for you and say things out of pity.

4. Maybe they mean it, but that is rare. The above options are far more likely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When people say this, they’re usually just messing with you or preemptively trying to make you feel better about your childlessness. No one actually thinks you did it right. The friend you mentioned with the disabled son just sounds like a loser though.

It's definitely this. People don't know what else to say and are trying to find something nice so they settle on expressing fake envy. But they wouldn't trade places for anything.

+1