Anyone else have zero ‘free time’?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand how parents in two parent households don’t have any free time. Unless there’s a disability issue or something like that going on.

I think if you added up all the little pockets of free time it might seem to amount to something that's actually not too bad. The problem is that the things you really want to do take up larger chunks of time and they're just not available.

The answer is to make as best use of the pockets that exist. For example, on the diet/fitness thread, people were recently shocked at how many steps people take. Imagine how many steps you could take if you walked for the 10 minute break rather than opened up DCUM. Now multiple that across a day or week.

[Anonymous]

I am fortunate that I work from home three days a week. On those days I use the extra time not spent commuting working out. My husband and I both try and get a long workout in over the weekend and we trade off mornings. I usually get a long run in with friends which ends up being a bit of a two for one, friend time and exercise. My child is now 8 so I can get a workout at home while he plays the other weekend day. I also usually have one weeknight out with friends every couple weeks where my husband manages dinner and bed time. We also belong to the neighborhood pool so on Sat or Sun I hangout and chat with neighborhood friends while my DD plays with his buddies.

[Anonymous]

No, I have plenty of free time. I do a time-consuming sport with competitions that are out of town, I read or watch TV every night, my husband and I go out to eat or go sailing together or do other activities with just adults, I have meals with friends, I travel without my kids. And I work a full-time, relatively demanding job. What is your husband doing (or not doing)? How old are you kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless you are a single parent, your spouse/other parent should be stepping up here. Don't be a mommy martyr.

he does! he does all the house stuff, tax stuff, he invests our money market accounts and keeps an eye on stocks, he also does pick ups and drop offs and dinners and makes lunches and takes to dr appts. I do all the kidmin and buying of clothes and household stuff and organizing of travel and a lot of the admin around pickups and stuff.
I already say no to huge numbers of things.

This is the male equivalent of make work

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand how parents in two parent households don’t have any free time. Unless there’s a disability issue or something like that going on.

I think if you added up all the little pockets of free time it might seem to amount to something that's actually not too bad. The problem is that the things you really want to do take up larger chunks of time and they're just not available.

For you? Not for me, nor for many of my friends. I have an involved husband and money to outsource things like cleaning and gardening. I don't assume everyone has those things, but if you do, there is free time to be had, even in large chunks of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First, absolutely the younger your kids are the harder it is.

But second, I haven't felt overwhelmed, almost ever, since my kids were 8 and 5. We are a two working parent household with a teen and a tween.

I think it is about choices. I don't feel the need to do anything if I don't think it is the highest priority for my family. That means that we say no to a lot of stuff- no PTA, only attend meetings and events related school where I truly believe there is information conveyed that impacts my kids and that I need to know (which means almost none). We worked hard to make sure my kids were age-appropriately self-sufficient (not as a way to reduce our workload, but because we think it is good parenting). As a result, I haven't packed a lunch, made breakfast, or done kids laundry in years[b]. We are not involved in homework at all. All four members of the household split "chores" around the house. We have also developed a strong "village"- so carpooling happens easily, which means less driving around.

Ninety percent of the time, I have at least two hours of "free time" every day before I go to sleep at 10:00.

I'm not trying to be smug. My sincere advice is to take a hard look at all the things you do that take up your time and consider what would happen if you just...didn't do it.

further explain??

Hi.

My children started packing their own lunch and making their own breakfast daily in third grade. They also make their own breakfasts in the morning. They started doing their own laundry when they started middle sixth grade or so.

This does require that I do some prep work on the weekends. I grocery shop for ingredients that are easy for them to put together (sandwiches, cut up veggies with pita and hummus etc, grab-and-go fruit, and a side like pretzels or nuts or something). I also will make a batch of "healthy" muffins or a bread, or throw together an egg bake with veggies. My kids assemble and prepare both breakfast and lunch for themselves every morning.

Sooo you still make their breakfasts and lunches for them. They just assemble them together.

I buy groceries that include the food my kids use to make their lunch, yes. I also will make some food on the weekends- which I enjoy doing and don't consider overwhelming. I do not spend any time on weekdays on these tasks.

Not going to get in a fight here. You do you. I was offering my experience and maybe a way for OP to consider finding more free time for herself and feel less overwhelmed on a daily basis.

The martyrs have to pick and fight with you because otherwise they'd have to acknowledge that there is a less miserable way to live and they can't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of it is choice I guess. I really want to go to the gym and Dh encourages me. But I cannot go when the house is a disaster, dishes everywhere and laundry that needs done. Dh doesn’t see why I can’t just stop doing it.

I feel like my “free time” comes at the expense of other things. Yes I can make time for friends, but it might mean I can’t get dinner done or my work done at night. I can only shuffle all my chores a little. And if I hit the easy button too much, my whole life basically implodes under the weight of chores I didn’t complete.

So...have your husband make dinner...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are you busy doing?

I know people who have no free time because they are full time professionals with an additional small business and four children who travel a lot, and I know people who are SAH parents with extensive PTA and volunteer obligations, drive every carpool, participate in every activity, and host endless parties for elaborate social events (Flag Day, half birthdays, team dinners, etc...) and feel compelled to clean and renovate and bake a lot. I also know people who work two jobs, have a kid or two, and spend all their time sleeping, working, making dinner or grocery shopping, and might get to go to church or watch a tv show once a week.

The first two types could absolutely reclaim free time in different ways. The third really doesn't have a lot of good options.

But even the 3rd is often filled with really inefficient people. Like my neighbor who claims she has NO TIME but insists on going to Costco on Saturdays. I order my groceries online and pick them up at Harris Teeter - it’s free and fast. I do not wait in line to pay or to exit a parking lot. I have a friend that buys gifts for nieces and nephews- but she buys them in person or has them shipped to her and then wraps them and goes to the post office to mail them - it’s a choice. She could just ship it directly to the kid.

It doesn’t bother me if people make the choice that their kids only eat homemade baked goods or only wear thrifted clothes or whatever time consuming hobby they disguise as a necessary, non-negotiable life’s choice. It bothers me when they complain about not having any free time and fail to recognize the choices they make. They do have free time, they just choose to spend it baking or going to thrift stores.

Preach. Instead of saying: "I don't have time to do X", I just say, "I don't prioritize my time to do X". Because that's the truth of it.

i do believe there are people out there who truly don't have the ability to carve out some free time, but most of them aren't on DCUM reading this thread.

Most people are making choices that they think they need to make in order to be the modern definition of a "good parent", and in reality, you can skip a lot of it. That comes with its own set of consequences though, so I understand why most people opt in.

1000%

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are you busy doing?

I know people who have no free time because they are full time professionals with an additional small business and four children who travel a lot, and I know people who are SAH parents with extensive PTA and volunteer obligations, drive every carpool, participate in every activity, and host endless parties for elaborate social events (Flag Day, half birthdays, team dinners, etc...) and feel compelled to clean and renovate and bake a lot. I also know people who work two jobs, have a kid or two, and spend all their time sleeping, working, making dinner or grocery shopping, and might get to go to church or watch a tv show once a week.

The first two types could absolutely reclaim free time in different ways. The third really doesn't have a lot of good options.

But even the 3rd is often filled with really inefficient people. Like my neighbor who claims she has NO TIME but insists on going to Costco on Saturdays. I order my groceries online and pick them up at Harris Teeter - it’s free and fast. I do not wait in line to pay or to exit a parking lot. I have a friend that buys gifts for nieces and nephews- but she buys them in person or has them shipped to her and then wraps them and goes to the post office to mail them - it’s a choice. She could just ship it directly to the kid.

It doesn’t bother me if people make the choice that their kids only eat homemade baked goods or only wear thrifted clothes or whatever time consuming hobby they disguise as a necessary, non-negotiable life’s choice. It bothers me when they complain about not having any free time and fail to recognize the choices they make. They do have free time, they just choose to spend it baking or going to thrift stores.

Preach. Instead of saying: "I don't have time to do X", I just say, "I don't prioritize my time to do X". Because that's the truth of it.

i do believe there are people out there who truly don't have the ability to carve out some free time, but most of them aren't on DCUM reading this thread.

Most people are making choices that they think they need to make in order to be the modern definition of a "good parent", and in reality, you can skip a lot of it. That comes with its own set of consequences though, so I understand why most people opt in.

1000%

The above is definitely my problem also, my guilt will not let me say no. My kids age 5 and 7 are very social and constantly asking me to go to play dates and others houses. The kicker is I’m an an introvert and have literally initiated one play date, and yet we are so packed that I’m never home. I’m absolutely miserable. But I don’t want to say no and be the reason they are left out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of it is choice I guess. I really want to go to the gym and Dh encourages me. But I cannot go when the house is a disaster, dishes everywhere and laundry that needs done. Dh doesn’t see why I can’t just stop doing it.

I feel like my “free time” comes at the expense of other things. Yes I can make time for friends, but it might mean I can’t get dinner done or my work done at night. I can only shuffle all my chores a little. And if I hit the easy button too much, my whole life basically implodes under the weight of chores I didn’t complete.

So...have your husband make dinner...

Does your husband ever get to have you make dinner?

I can decide whether or not to make dinner. I can’t force DH to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand how parents in two parent households don’t have any free time. Unless there’s a disability issue or something like that going on.

I think if you added up all the little pockets of free time it might seem to amount to something that's actually not too bad. The problem is that the things you really want to do take up larger chunks of time and they're just not available.

For you? Not for me, nor for many of my friends. I have an involved husband and money to outsource things like cleaning and gardening. I don't assume everyone has those things, but if you do, there is free time to be had, even in large chunks of time.

I'm not sure I understand the point of this post. 'outsource shit'. great thanks.

[Anonymous]

I don't remember my parents having to deal with the school much at all. Now the school micromanages the parents, down to telling us how to dress our kids for theme weeks, what extra stuff to bring on special days, what to say to our kids, how to parent, forms to fill out, surveys to take, newsletters to read for hours, so many events to go to, random donations requested throughout the year. That doesn't even include helping our kids with their schoolwork. It's exhausting and has gotten ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't remember my parents having to deal with the school much at all. Now the school micromanages the parents, down to telling us how to dress our kids for theme weeks, what extra stuff to bring on special days, what to say to our kids, how to parent, forms to fill out, surveys to take, newsletters to read for hours, so many events to go to, random donations requested throughout the year. That doesn't even include helping our kids with their schoolwork. It's exhausting and has gotten ridiculous.

I agree. My kids are in high school, and I get a notification about every test score, missed homework assignment, etc.
My 15 year old skipped class (to read in the library), and the school just sent me an email and said nothing to him.

What happens to kids whose parents aren’t that involved? Are they just left on their own?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand how parents in two parent households don’t have any free time. Unless there’s a disability issue or something like that going on.

I guarantee dad is getting plenty of free time. Some women just put up with shitty partners.

[Anonymous]

I guess it gets easier, single parent since the kids were just starting middle school and high school, work full time, volunteer tons of hours and still have time to binge watch every show I want to see.