Anyone else have zero ‘free time’?

[Anonymous]

Yes, I work from 6-30 a.m. to 4 p.m., commuting to and from work, cleaning, cooking, doing admin work, shopping, or running other errands. I did even more before my kids grew up.
My DD did not sleep for two years after being born; I mean, she slept on me when I was sitting upright and rocking her due to severe GERD. Add to that my other FTT older child at 13, which involved constant doctor's and follow-up visits. We all suffer from severe gastro issues in my family.
We moved a lot during that time for DH's work. We were in countries where I had to cook, and there was no guarantee of safe enough restaurants to feed the babies with their food.
Oh wait, now you think poor her.... but I could choose not to tell you that I had help!

Do you want to know the day in the life of my housekeeper in Africa? She was abandoned by her DH and had a son. Her extended family did not look after her well, and until she got the job, she had to rely on their mercy for food for herself and her child. Once we left, I do not think she found another job, even though I tried my best to help recommend her and get other expats to hire her.

Or the gardener we employed? He came with the house and has worked there for over 12 years.
My gardener told me his 2-year-old son was in pain for weeks because his ear was now bleeding. Then I took them all to the doctor, bought antibiotics, and the kid recovered. Do you know why he brought him to me? It was my duty to take care of all the house staff we hired and my human obligation to help those who didn't have or didn't know how to access whatever little health care their country provided.

People who moved into the house after us did not take him on and fired him, as they did not need the gardener, and he was too expensive. His monthly salary was 50 USD back then. A pittance for us American Expats there. It was a huge yard, huge, with bats in trees and snakes and ants everywhere. The new couple realized soon after that we needed the gardener; we will find a cheaper one and give him 20 dollars.


Do you want to play the victim Olympics? Honey, as bad as it was for me and might be for you, don't play this game; billions of people always have it worse.

Am I saying this to be mean and evil to you and to point out how good you have it? Yes, partially, but also to tell you to get your free time if you are in a position to get it. In your situation, it is most likely you can get some time to yourself.

[Anonymous]

I do get free time now. My kid is at school and I do shift work so I’m home 2 days a week when she’s at school. At night I have aboif an hour to myself before I go to bed.

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand how parents in two parent households don’t have any free time. Unless there’s a disability issue or something like that going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand how parents in two parent households don’t have any free time. Unless there’s a disability issue or something like that going on.

Some men help very little. Or they take one kid but there are still other kids to care for.

It gets better when kids are older.

I think the obvious answer is to outsource our housework and get childcare. Not everyone can afford this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are you busy doing?

I know people who have no free time because they are full time professionals with an additional small business and four children who travel a lot, and I know people who are SAH parents with extensive PTA and volunteer obligations, drive every carpool, participate in every activity, and host endless parties for elaborate social events (Flag Day, half birthdays, team dinners, etc...) and feel compelled to clean and renovate and bake a lot. I also know people who work two jobs, have a kid or two, and spend all their time sleeping, working, making dinner or grocery shopping, and might get to go to church or watch a tv show once a week.

The first two types could absolutely reclaim free time in different ways. The third really doesn't have a lot of good options.

But even the 3rd is often filled with really inefficient people. Like my neighbor who claims she has NO TIME but insists on going to Costco on Saturdays. I order my groceries online and pick them up at Harris Teeter - it’s free and fast. I do not wait in line to pay or to exit a parking lot. I have a friend that buys gifts for nieces and nephews- but she buys them in person or has them shipped to her and then wraps them and goes to the post office to mail them - it’s a choice. She could just ship it directly to the kid.

It doesn’t bother me if people make the choice that their kids only eat homemade baked goods or only wear thrifted clothes or whatever time consuming hobby they disguise as a necessary, non-negotiable life’s choice. It bothers me when they complain about not having any free time and fail to recognize the choices they make. They do have free time, they just choose to spend it baking or going to thrift stores. [/quote

I guess you know me IRL
I'm one of those people who feels like I have zero free time. I work at night while my family sleeps, I sleep while they're at work and school, and the other third of the day is spent taking care of everyone. Yeah, I thrift my kids' clothes and make all the food from scratch in our house. I enjoy it and it's really a hobby. I guess it just bugs me that I choose to spend my free time making food in bulk that we can eat all week and my husband chooses to spend his free time vegetating on the couch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand how parents in two parent households don’t have any free time. Unless there’s a disability issue or something like that going on.

I think if you added up all the little pockets of free time it might seem to amount to something that's actually not too bad. The problem is that the things you really want to do take up larger chunks of time and they're just not available.

[Anonymous]

My kids are 5, 2, and baby. Everybody goes to bed at 7, so my free time is 7-10. But I also count just hanging out or going to the park or riding bikes as “free time.” Like just because a kid is present doesn’t mean it isn’t free time. I grew up in a busy household with five kids, so to me, this is just what life should look like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First, absolutely the younger your kids are the harder it is.

But second, I haven't felt overwhelmed, almost ever, since my kids were 8 and 5. We are a two working parent household with a teen and a tween.

I think it is about choices. I don't feel the need to do anything if I don't think it is the highest priority for my family. That means that we say no to a lot of stuff- no PTA, only attend meetings and events related school where I truly believe there is information conveyed that impacts my kids and that I need to know (which means almost none). We worked hard to make sure my kids were age-appropriately self-sufficient (not as a way to reduce our workload, but because we think it is good parenting). As a result, I haven't packed a lunch, made breakfast, or done kids laundry in years[b]. We are not involved in homework at all. All four members of the household split "chores" around the house. We have also developed a strong "village"- so carpooling happens easily, which means less driving around.

Ninety percent of the time, I have at least two hours of "free time" every day before I go to sleep at 10:00.

I'm not trying to be smug. My sincere advice is to take a hard look at all the things you do that take up your time and consider what would happen if you just...didn't do it.

further explain??

Hi.

My children started packing their own lunch and making their own breakfast daily in third grade. They also make their own breakfasts in the morning. They started doing their own laundry when they started middle sixth grade or so.

This does require that I do some prep work on the weekends. I grocery shop for ingredients that are easy for them to put together (sandwiches, cut up veggies with pita and hummus etc, grab-and-go fruit, and a side like pretzels or nuts or something). I also will make a batch of "healthy" muffins or a bread, or throw together an egg bake with veggies. My kids assemble and prepare both breakfast and lunch for themselves every morning.

Sooo you still make their breakfasts and lunches for them. They just assemble them together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First, absolutely the younger your kids are the harder it is.

But second, I haven't felt overwhelmed, almost ever, since my kids were 8 and 5. We are a two working parent household with a teen and a tween.

I think it is about choices. I don't feel the need to do anything if I don't think it is the highest priority for my family. That means that we say no to a lot of stuff- no PTA, only attend meetings and events related school where I truly believe there is information conveyed that impacts my kids and that I need to know (which means almost none). We worked hard to make sure my kids were age-appropriately self-sufficient (not as a way to reduce our workload, but because we think it is good parenting). As a result, I haven't packed a lunch, made breakfast, or done kids laundry in years[b]. We are not involved in homework at all. All four members of the household split "chores" around the house. We have also developed a strong "village"- so carpooling happens easily, which means less driving around.

Ninety percent of the time, I have at least two hours of "free time" every day before I go to sleep at 10:00.

I'm not trying to be smug. My sincere advice is to take a hard look at all the things you do that take up your time and consider what would happen if you just...didn't do it.

further explain??

Hi.

My children started packing their own lunch and making their own breakfast daily in third grade. They also make their own breakfasts in the morning. They started doing their own laundry when they started middle sixth grade or so.

This does require that I do some prep work on the weekends. I grocery shop for ingredients that are easy for them to put together (sandwiches, cut up veggies with pita and hummus etc, grab-and-go fruit, and a side like pretzels or nuts or something). I also will make a batch of "healthy" muffins or a bread, or throw together an egg bake with veggies. My kids assemble and prepare both breakfast and lunch for themselves every morning.

Sooo you still make their breakfasts and lunches for them. They just assemble them together.

I buy groceries that include the food my kids use to make their lunch, yes. I also will make some food on the weekends- which I enjoy doing and don't consider overwhelming. I do not spend any time on weekdays on these tasks.

Not going to get in a fight here. You do you. I was offering my experience and maybe a way for OP to consider finding more free time for herself and feel less overwhelmed on a daily basis.

[Anonymous]

It was hard til they started school at 4. Now I have a lot of free time as they go to relatives' house on weekends.
I can watch your kids.

[Anonymous]

I'm a single mom and the only free time I have is at night after I put my kid to bed. Even then, I'm cleaning up from dinner, making lunches, paying bills, etc. But it's not forever and it's what I chose (not the single mom thing but it's not so bad).

[Anonymous]

Some of it is choice I guess. I really want to go to the gym and Dh encourages me. But I cannot go when the house is a disaster, dishes everywhere and laundry that needs done. Dh doesn’t see why I can’t just stop doing it.

I feel like my “free time” comes at the expense of other things. Yes I can make time for friends, but it might mean I can’t get dinner done or my work done at night. I can only shuffle all my chores a little. And if I hit the easy button too much, my whole life basically implodes under the weight of chores I didn’t complete.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are you busy doing?

I know people who have no free time because they are full time professionals with an additional small business and four children who travel a lot, and I know people who are SAH parents with extensive PTA and volunteer obligations, drive every carpool, participate in every activity, and host endless parties for elaborate social events (Flag Day, half birthdays, team dinners, etc...) and feel compelled to clean and renovate and bake a lot. I also know people who work two jobs, have a kid or two, and spend all their time sleeping, working, making dinner or grocery shopping, and might get to go to church or watch a tv show once a week.

The first two types could absolutely reclaim free time in different ways. The third really doesn't have a lot of good options.

But even the 3rd is often filled with really inefficient people. Like my neighbor who claims she has NO TIME but insists on going to Costco on Saturdays. I order my groceries online and pick them up at Harris Teeter - it’s free and fast. I do not wait in line to pay or to exit a parking lot. I have a friend that buys gifts for nieces and nephews- but she buys them in person or has them shipped to her and then wraps them and goes to the post office to mail them - it’s a choice. She could just ship it directly to the kid.

It doesn’t bother me if people make the choice that their kids only eat homemade baked goods or only wear thrifted clothes or whatever time consuming hobby they disguise as a necessary, non-negotiable life’s choice. It bothers me when they complain about not having any free time and fail to recognize the choices they make. They do have free time, they just choose to spend it baking or going to thrift stores.

Preach. Instead of saying: "I don't have time to do X", I just say, "I don't prioritize my time to do X". Because that's the truth of it.

i do believe there are people out there who truly don't have the ability to carve out some free time, but most of them aren't on DCUM reading this thread.

Most people are making choices that they think they need to make in order to be the modern definition of a "good parent", and in reality, you can skip a lot of it. That comes with its own set of consequences though, so I understand why most people opt in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First, absolutely the younger your kids are the harder it is.

But second, I haven't felt overwhelmed, almost ever, since my kids were 8 and 5. We are a two working parent household with a teen and a tween.

I think it is about choices. I don't feel the need to do anything if I don't think it is the highest priority for my family. That means that we say no to a lot of stuff- no PTA, only attend meetings and events related school where I truly believe there is information conveyed that impacts my kids and that I need to know (which means almost none). We worked hard to make sure my kids were age-appropriately self-sufficient (not as a way to reduce our workload, but because we think it is good parenting). As a result, I haven't packed a lunch, made breakfast, or done kids laundry in years. We are not involved in homework at all. All four members of the household split "chores" around the house. We have also developed a strong "village"- so carpooling happens easily, which means less driving around.

Ninety percent of the time, I have at least two hours of "free time" every day before I go to sleep at 10:00.

I'm not trying to be smug. My sincere advice is to take a hard look at all the things you do that take up your time and consider what would happen if you just...didn't do it.

What does the 5 year old make for breakfast?

cereal and milk
instant microwave oatmeal
hardboiled eggs (premade)
Fruit - bananas, apples, mandarin oranges

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of it is choice I guess. I really want to go to the gym and Dh encourages me. But I cannot go when the house is a disaster, dishes everywhere and laundry that needs done. Dh doesn’t see why I can’t just stop doing it.

I feel like my “free time” comes at the expense of other things. Yes I can make time for friends, but it might mean I can’t get dinner done or my work done at night. I can only shuffle all my chores a little. And if I hit the easy button too much, my whole life basically implodes under the weight of chores I didn’t complete.

You make it sound like an either/or. It's not. Also, I am not quite sure about the organization of your home - why are dishes "everywhere?" I'm sure you can come up with a better system where people bring their plates to the sink and as they get older, rinse and put it in the dishwasher? Why not set a timer? And you and your DH (and kids depending on age) can knock out in x time. And then move on to fun.