Who Is Most Out Of Bounds Here?

[Anonymous]

Lots of wrong to go around. I would have deleted Dave's post and likely blocked him from my account. I would not engage his wife for any reason.

Change your SM settings. Why are your settings public?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dave’s remark was outrageous, but your DH was even more out of bounds. He should have called Dave out for being an inappropriate pig, ideally offline, not blown up his marriage. Serious over escalation.

Dave said something rude and untrue.

DH said the truth.

Just because something is true doesn't mean it needs to be publicly broadcast.

True but not saying it is not right and saying it wrong.

DH was neither right nor wrong he just said a true statement aloud.

But trying to fat shame a child is categorically wrong

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dave’s remark was outrageous, but your DH was even more out of bounds. He should have called Dave out for being an inappropriate pig, ideally offline, not blown up his marriage. Serious over escalation.

Dave said something rude and untrue.

DH said the truth.

Just because something is true doesn't mean it needs to be publicly broadcast.

He said the truth to the detriment of his own daughter. By escalating the issue he brought more attention to the dig at her weight. It's not dignified (that doesn't seem to matter to OP) but it's also just not smart. OP should have immediately deleted the comment and blocked the weirdo friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What kind of message does it send to your dd that hinting that she’s a bit heavy is such an insult that her dad is going to go nuclear over it?

That is not being a protective papa bear, that is a recipe for an eating disorder.

If even the suggestion that she might be a bit overweight causes dad to fly off the handle, what does it tell the dd about how important her weight is to her father? This is not the win some of you are suggesting it is.

It’s not that weight is such a huge deal. The friend was making a dig at DD, and in a public forum, and in the context of celebrating DD’s accomplishments. It’s not about weight, it’s about trying to diminish DD and doing so publicly.

u

+1. The real question is why does your DH have a friendship with a guy who demeans women? Your DH's secret-keeping shows that he was fine with demeaning women, and even his "defense" of your daughter smacks of sexism (just concerned about her weight, and completely careless about the public damage to the wife).

Oh. Let me guess. You call you gf's husbands on the weekly and tell them all the things they said?

Right.....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dave’s remark was outrageous, but your DH was even more out of bounds. He should have called Dave out for being an inappropriate pig, ideally offline, not blown up his marriage. Serious over escalation.

Dave said something rude and untrue.

DH said the truth.

Just because something is true doesn't mean it needs to be publicly broadcast.

He said the truth to the detriment of his own daughter. By escalating the issue he brought more attention to the dig at her weight. It's not dignified (that doesn't seem to matter to OP) but it's also just not smart. OP should have immediately deleted the comment and blocked the weirdo friend.

No he didn’t.

Dave’s comments are to the detriment to the DD.

It’s amazing to me people are so programmed to blame the person who stands up to the bully instead of the bully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH has an old college room mate named Dave that is a bit of a wild card. Dave struggled with alcohol and substance abuse his whole life despite being incredibly successful professionally. I have suspected for two decades that he is undiagnosed BPD.

Anyway, this was graduation weekend and I posted some celebratory pics of my DD ("Audrey") and her friends. In one of the pics he comments:

"Congrats! Audrey is going to USC in the Fall, righ? Looks like she'll enjoy the food there!"

My DD is not fat but she is still carrying a little baby weight around her hips and she is naturally large chested. To say this was out of bounds is putting it mildly.

However, my DH went into a blind rage and replied with:

"Hey Dave, has Susan (Dave's wife) found out about your affair with Nicole (Dave's ex gf) that weekend you went to Chicago yet?"

The setting on the post were public so his wife saw all this. She has called my a dozen times and left horribly unkind VMs accusing me of 'sabotaging' her marriage. I replied with a text once stating take it up with Dave and do not contact me again. Then I blocked her.

I know my DH was wrong to stir the post but wasn't it fair game given Dave's intial insult?

Absolutely NOT. Dave is an ahole for sure and his comment was completely inappropriate, but that doesn't excuse whatever response you give to that, including what your husband did, which was so totally over the line it's shocking you can't see that. Your husband is honestly an ahole here as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dave’s remark was outrageous, but your DH was even more out of bounds. He should have called Dave out for being an inappropriate pig, ideally offline, not blown up his marriage. Serious over escalation.

Dave said something rude and untrue.

DH said the truth.

Just because something is true doesn't mean it needs to be publicly broadcast.

He said the truth to the detriment of his own daughter. By escalating the issue he brought more attention to the dig at her weight. It's not dignified (that doesn't seem to matter to OP) but it's also just not smart. OP should have immediately deleted the comment and blocked the weirdo friend.

No he didn’t.

Dave’s comments are to the detriment to the DD.

It’s amazing to me people are so programmed to blame the person who stands up to the bully instead of the bully.

But he wasn't standing up to the bully. Standing up to the bully would be to say something about criticizing children's weight and calling out the bad behavior. Not shaming someone. Standing up to the bully would have said "that was completely inappropriate, unrelated, unhelful, and uncalled for" or something to that regard and then you could block the person. What he did was worse because he did not have permission to speak on that matter. It didn't concern him at all. And what's really at the heart of this is that both men are publicly talking negatively about people that aren't themselves on issues that don't concern them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dave’s remark was outrageous, but your DH was even more out of bounds. He should have called Dave out for being an inappropriate pig, ideally offline, not blown up his marriage. Serious over escalation.

Dave said something rude and untrue.

DH said the truth.

Just because something is true doesn't mean it needs to be publicly broadcast.

He said the truth to the detriment of his own daughter. By escalating the issue he brought more attention to the dig at her weight. It's not dignified (that doesn't seem to matter to OP) but it's also just not smart. OP should have immediately deleted the comment and blocked the weirdo friend.

Absolutely. And what a parent thinks matters more than what "Dave" thinks.
Ask ED therapists.

Plus, Dave did something egregious and Dad punished Dave's whole family by publicly outing the infidelity. What did Dave's wife do to deserve that? Any kids? Both did bad things but the poor wife...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What kind of message does it send to your dd that hinting that she’s a bit heavy is such an insult that her dad is going to go nuclear over it?

That is not being a protective papa bear, that is a recipe for an eating disorder.

If even the suggestion that she might be a bit overweight causes dad to fly off the handle, what does it tell the dd about how important her weight is to her father? This is not the win some of you are suggesting it is.

Agree. Both mean are ahiles who view women as commodities.

Yep. The DH had no thoughts or concerns about PUBLICLY humiliating Dave's wife and family. The adult thing was to end the friendship, not drag innocent people into this.

I absolutely cannot believe people are defending this behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dave is a horrible person, no doubt about it.

BUT I also despise friends who are ok with covering for their friends when things are good (DH knew about the affair and was ok with not saying a word) but when things go south then all of a sudden they grow a conscience and publically air dirty laundry.

I had an ex who would always bring up stuff I confided in him about when we were fighting. He acted so understanding when we were sharing and being intimate but always used it against me later during an argument.

When you do shitty things the reveal of those shitty things is out of your hands.

How about this. Stop doing shitty things.

When you have morals in the first place, you tell your friend Dave to come clean to his wife at the initial revelation of the information. You don't sit complicit for years until it suits you to go ballistic very publically. There are no heroes in this story. They are both shit people.

Nobody has the responsibility to police all their friends.

If you say a shitty thing privately you might get a shitty response privately, you do it publicly the response is public live with the consequences of YOUR actions.

You make no sense at all. Presumably, DH found out that Dave had an affair privately since they are friends. At that point, he should have told Dave that his behavior is despicable and advised him to deal with his marriage issues. I would perhaps distance myself if I found out my friend was behaving so horribly. But if you choose to be Dave's friend when learning about this information you are silently approving of it and you don't get the moral high ground later when you are wronged by Dave in a completely different situation. So either you completely stay out of it or speak up when initially learning about it.

[Anonymous]

In any case you don't shout it out for his wife and family and presumably a bunch of Facebook friends to see.

Show your posts to your therapist, lol.

[Anonymous]

I will never understand how people think that simply outing the cheater is "destroying a marriage". Are all these people cheaters?

Dave destroyed his own marriage. OPs DH just isn't covering for him anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will never understand how people think that simply outing the cheater is "destroying a marriage". Are all these people cheaters?

Dave destroyed his own marriage. OPs DH just isn't covering for him anymore.

Exactly. He was covering for him so he was ok with it until.....

[Anonymous]

Who covered up what when isn't the trump card some seen to think it is. "Outing" likely hurt the cheater's family and caused public humiliation for them. That wasn't a precision strike, OP and Daddy Bear. The innocent family were your collateral damage.
You will now have that reputation among anyone who saw your "righteous anger" post and anyone they told.

You blew up the family 's private life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I kind of love your husband. Lol.

ME too!!!!
Dave blew up Dave’s marriage, not your DH