Mom friendships as teens graduate HS

[Anonymous]

Like all friendships they wax and wane.

The closest friendship I have is one where our kids never really clicked or hung out with each other. I met her on the sideline of a game about 18 years ago and we are close friends.

The next 2, our kids were in school together, they played sport but they were never close friends.

Only 1 friendship from my son's "friends' group" I still keep in touch with, more like and acquaintance than a friendship but she is a friend since I see her at least once a month, somewhere on the cusp.

All of these friendships started in K-3rd. Our kids are 24 now. I did not make any friendships with my son's friend from HS.

I have a friend from grade school, HS and college.

None of them intersect with the 1st group.

I can't manage more than 3 close friends and some long distance ones.

One thing that matters is you try, you reach out, you plan things. Then when they don't respond or reciprocate, you move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have no mom friendships. It’s such a red flag to be friends with your kids friends

I disagree. If your child is spending a significant amount of time with another family I would hope you are friendly with their parent.

Friendly is not friends. NP.

What a weird take. Are you also someone who thinks it’s weird to be friends with your neighbors? Your colleagues? Please tell us where you met your closest friends.

In addition to being the parents of children the same age as my own, the parents I know are also independent adults and members of my community with their own hobbies and interests. My interaction with adults I met through daycare or elementary school activities are now just “friends” not “mom friends” separate from our childrens’ relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have no mom friendships. It’s such a red flag to be friends with your kids friends

I disagree. If your child is spending a significant amount of time with another family I would hope you are friendly with their parent.

Being friendly is different than being friends based on your kids. That’s pathetic.

It's pathetic that you meet adults and put them in a bucket called "can't be friends" because your kids are friends. Girl mom? Are you afraid your daughter's drama will blow up your friendship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ran into another mom I hadn't spoken to in a few years. She said she needs to start reconnecting with people as they approach an empty nest. It sounds good but it really is so different by HS. Social ties of elementary school usually fall off completely and parents are busy working.

It is only this way if you allow it to be. I hear a lot of the lack of community as people age. But to have the community you have to cultivate it and not just work and sit at home.

You are only accounting for one side. I agree that initiating is better than doing nothing, but many people aren't looking for friendships to cultivate when they're busy with aging parents, career pushes, college kids who still periodically appear and need things. So even if you reach out, be prepared that finding likeminded adults is hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Like all friendships they wax and wane.

The closest friendship I have is one where our kids never really clicked or hung out with each other. I met her on the sideline of a game about 18 years ago and we are close friends.

The next 2, our kids were in school together, they played sport but they were never close friends.

Only 1 friendship from my son's "friends' group" I still keep in touch with, more like and acquaintance than a friendship but she is a friend since I see her at least once a month, somewhere on the cusp.

All of these friendships started in K-3rd. Our kids are 24 now. I did not make any friendships with my son's friend from HS.

I have a friend from grade school, HS and college.

None of them intersect with the 1st group.

I can't manage more than 3 close friends and some long distance ones.

One thing that matters is you try, you reach out, you plan things. Then when they don't respond or reciprocate, you move on.

Same. All mom friends were from elementary days or preschool. I had situational HS friends—sports team but never had time to bond. We all worked or didn’t live close and everyone was way too busy with multiple kids. Private HS. Most of the mom friends are in my neighborhood and from when kids used to do play dates or we hung at school parties, early rec basketball , soccer, etc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ran into another mom I hadn't spoken to in a few years. She said she needs to start reconnecting with people as they approach an empty nest. It sounds good but it really is so different by HS. Social ties of elementary school usually fall off completely and parents are busy working.

It is only this way if you allow it to be. I hear a lot of the lack of community as people age. But to have the community you have to cultivate it and not just work and sit at home.

You are only accounting for one side. I agree that initiating is better than doing nothing, but many people aren't looking for friendships to cultivate when they're busy with aging parents, career pushes, college kids who still periodically appear and need things. So even if you reach out, be prepared that finding likeminded adults is hard.

Likeminded in wanting friends to hang out with? Strange that you think people don't want this. Sure, there may be some that do not but, ime, that is a minority.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ran into another mom I hadn't spoken to in a few years. She said she needs to start reconnecting with people as they approach an empty nest. It sounds good but it really is so different by HS. Social ties of elementary school usually fall off completely and parents are busy working.

It is only this way if you allow it to be. I hear a lot of the lack of community as people age. But to have the community you have to cultivate it and not just work and sit at home.

You are only accounting for one side. I agree that initiating is better than doing nothing, but many people aren't looking for friendships to cultivate when they're busy with aging parents, career pushes, college kids who still periodically appear and need things. So even if you reach out, be prepared that finding likeminded adults is hard.

I’m sorry for you if your approach to life is to avoid anything that may not succeed or may end in disappointment. Yes, it is hard to start and nurture friendships while taking care of your own kids, home, career, etc. - but many people find a way to make room in their lives for new people and to show up for friends. Those are the people who won’t be lonely when they are an 80yr old widow whose kids live across the country.

Of all the posts on DCUM complaining about meddlesome, boundary less grandparents and in-laws, I am just now realizing that my parents and in-laws are not like that because they have friends and full, interesting lives of their own so they are too busy to meddle in mine. And gasp! Most of my mom’s and my MIL’s friends that have been there for them for 30-50 years are people they met through child-centric activities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe a corollary question is: how do you know when a mom friend doesn’t really want to be friends anymore? Not a falling out; just not that interested. If you’re not interested in a friendship, how do you signal that?

They tell you. "Now that Larla is blah blah blah, we won't be seeing each other as much...". And then you never hear from them again, even though they still live in your area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our friend group started off centered around the kids and then as they developed their own friends, interests, we have mostly managed to keep the friendships. I will admit that certain times get awkward, and I could imagine that 12th grade is one of those. There was a sports team that a few tried out for and only a couple made it. Similarly, next year they will finish college. A couple will likely go to “top tier” schools and others will go to local or community college. At least one may not go to college at all. Which is totally fine, of course. But I would understand if the mom
Wants to take a break from all the college talk then. I think we would connect back but I understand when people have stressors that impact their friendships.

I made a lot of friends when my kids were younger. We were new to dc and made many family friends. We are a very academically focused family. DH and I are ivy educated and have high standards for our children. Our friends vary in their views, kids’ abilities, etc. I try not to talk about my kids too much because it may sound like bragging.

You sound insufferable.

We have a lot of different friends and colleagues. I’m surprised at the number of parents who let their kids do nothing, get average grades and not seem to care what college their kid goes to.

I’m actually pretty social and have a lot of friends. Like I said, I try not to talk about my kids too much.

Are you a Tiger mom? Even people smart enough to get into an ivy might not be able to afford it, and not everyone cares about status-seeking like that. I doubt other parents let their kids "do nothing" without a good reason. Some kids try different activities and don't find a passion or thing they are good at until they are older, or they may have a condition that is an obstacle, but that doesn't mean the parents haven't tried or don't care. Most parents care about their children succeeding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our friend group started off centered around the kids and then as they developed their own friends, interests, we have mostly managed to keep the friendships. I will admit that certain times get awkward, and I could imagine that 12th grade is one of those. There was a sports team that a few tried out for and only a couple made it. Similarly, next year they will finish college. A couple will likely go to “top tier” schools and others will go to local or community college. At least one may not go to college at all. Which is totally fine, of course. But I would understand if the mom
Wants to take a break from all the college talk then. I think we would connect back but I understand when people have stressors that impact their friendships.

I made a lot of friends when my kids were younger. We were new to dc and made many family friends. We are a very academically focused family. DH and I are ivy educated and have high standards for our children. Our friends vary in their views, kids’ abilities, etc. I try not to talk about my kids too much because it may sound like bragging.

Agree with PP. You sound insufferable.

I'd definitely distance myself from you. I don't need you to constantly compare and measure your kids' worth next to mine, or your parenting or ivy degrees next to me. I went to University of Nebraska (or equivalent) and live next to you (or your type). I'm just as rich as you and my kids have strengths and stretches, just like yours do. They attend the same Big 3 (or so) as your kids, maybe even do the same extracurriculars. Yet, you want to compete, so you can feel better than us - wierd.

I clicked on this thread and think I was the pp. I reread my post and said that our friends’ parenting styles vary. My oldest is now in high school. Every single parent has different opinions on how to parent. Kids have different interests and abilities. I’m not competing wirh anyone, especially not through the kids. I actually prefer that my kids hang out with motivated peers so they can be a good influence. The last thing I am doing is trying to compete with my friends’ kids. I wish them well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our friend group started off centered around the kids and then as they developed their own friends, interests, we have mostly managed to keep the friendships. I will admit that certain times get awkward, and I could imagine that 12th grade is one of those. There was a sports team that a few tried out for and only a couple made it. Similarly, next year they will finish college. A couple will likely go to “top tier” schools and others will go to local or community college. At least one may not go to college at all. Which is totally fine, of course. But I would understand if the mom
Wants to take a break from all the college talk then. I think we would connect back but I understand when people have stressors that impact their friendships.

I made a lot of friends when my kids were younger. We were new to dc and made many family friends. We are a very academically focused family. DH and I are ivy educated and have high standards for our children. Our friends vary in their views, kids’ abilities, etc. I try not to talk about my kids too much because it may sound like bragging.

You sound insufferable.

We have a lot of different friends and colleagues. I’m surprised at the number of parents who let their kids do nothing, get average grades and not seem to care what college their kid goes to.

I’m actually pretty social and have a lot of friends. Like I said, I try not to talk about my kids too much.

Are you a Tiger mom? Even people smart enough to get into an ivy might not be able to afford it, and not everyone cares about status-seeking like that. I doubt other parents let their kids "do nothing" without a good reason. Some kids try different activities and don't find a passion or thing they are good at until they are older, or they may have a condition that is an obstacle, but that doesn't mean the parents haven't tried or don't care. Most parents care about their children succeeding.

A lot of kids don’t do much over the summer. I have two teen boys and there are the go getters who have solid grades, strong athletes, getting internships, winning competitions, doing research, etc. These will be the same kids who will get the internships in college and the job offers at graduation.

Then you will have the kids who don’t do much now and may not do much later. At graduation, they wonder why another candidate is hired over them.