Mom friendships as teens graduate HS

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I sort of hope to rekindle some mom friendships after the kids graduate and I have more time in my hands, but that may be overly optimistic. There were a handful of moms from the elementary school years who I really liked that I didn't see much when our kids went in polar opposite directions in middle school.

I hope I'll have the nerve to reach out and text for coffee dates.

OP here. This is another side I was looking for. I hope you do reach out. I think some people drifted either as kids got older or due to the pandemic, and many have not drifted back yet. I hope you do.

[Anonymous]

I happen to be friends with parents of my kids friends, but none of it is based around the kids friendships at this point. That just happens to be how we met. So imagine those friendships will stay the same ?

[Anonymous]

I am not friends with my kid's friends moms. I have my own friends.

[Anonymous]

My oldest is a senior in high school. I have 3 very close friends from his schooling--one I met in PK, one in 2nd grade, one in 9th grade. I will know these women until the day I die. I probably met another 20 friends over the years who are now "Facebook" friends. Situational but not super deep.

I would "have my own friends" except I moved to DC as a new mom and never lived here before and had no local friends. My mom friends ARE my own friends. I work but I've always worked in tech start-ups and my coworkers are almost entirely male and 20 years younger than I am. I've found a few work buddies over the years (including some of the young guys--who have become a cross of friend, brother and nephew) but it's not a great source of close female friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I don't know what the point of this post is, but I am sure we will see folks claiming it is weird and pathetic to bond over the shared experience of motherhood and you're a loser if you have mom friends.

I don't think that, but I do think that mom friendships tend to be more situational vs. life-long friendships. There is nothing wrong with that, just more limited.

This is how I feel. It’s mostly the parents on their teams on any given year. Often it’s the same parents for many years since the kids have played the same sports for many years now. But would our friendships last once we are empty nesters? I doubt it. I like hanging out with these people and have a lot of fun with them when we are all together at away tournaments. I don’t see us keeping in touch after our kids graduate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My oldest is graduating high school this year. Just curious about people’s experiences and observations about how the “mom” friendships weather (or don’t) this transition and how they end up.
Like a like of people, I made many friends through my oldest child. I have a few friends who are newly empty nesters and they fortunately seem more eager for friendship than ever.
My fellow current 12th grade mom friends seem really stressed right now. Which I understand. And I dare say a bit cranky as people make prom and graduation plans (a little passive aggressive with comments about over AND under involved parents). But I realize some may prove to be situational friends. I know the close friendships will carry on but I’m not sure about the more marginal ones.
Not really sure what I’m asking - just curious about people’s experiences and how those friendships morphed. And any tips about carrying on friendships.

I have multiple groups of mom friends I get together with every month. Most of us are empty nesters at this point, although some have one child still in HS, and one has a HS student and a MS student. What we do depends on the group - book group we meet, eat and discuss a book we've all read, another group we go out to eat and another group rotates houses and the host makes the main and everyone else brings sides or dessert

[Anonymous]

Op, know what you want. Think about who you like, who you would like to keep in your life. And act on it. Initiate plans soon after graduation or at least soon after college move-in to see who's receptive. Make the effort, for those you care about. Many will fade. It's much better to act sooner rather than let too much time slip away.

And although you have the kids in common and lots on your minds re: college and that transition, try to make conversation about other things. You have lots of things you could be talking about besides your (now) adult children. At some point, talk of adult children feels like sharing gossip. Feels like gossiping about another adult and that's not a good pattern to fall into longterm.

[Anonymous]

My oldest is a HS senior. I only have 2 close mom friends from when my DC was in third grade. Our kids have drifted (different MS interests, different HS), but the three of us women have remained friends. It’s helps that we are all working moms in a similar line of work so have commonalities beyond kids. I still have deep and meaningful connections and friendships with my HS, college and med school friends so I believe that real friendships endure beyond the situation. But both people have to see value in the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I happen to be friends with parents of my kids friends, but none of it is based around the kids friendships at this point. That just happens to be how we met. So imagine those friendships will stay the same ?

They won’t

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have no mom friendships. It’s such a red flag to be friends with your kids friends

I disagree. If your child is spending a significant amount of time with another family I would hope you are friendly with their parent.

Being friendly is different than being friends based on your kids. That’s pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Think I found one answer. Host a graduation party! Then you get some sense of who wants to continue being friends and who doesn’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I happen to be friends with parents of my kids friends, but none of it is based around the kids friendships at this point. That just happens to be how we met. So imagine those friendships will stay the same ?

Me too. I love that our friendships have survived and thrived as the kids have gone in their own directions.

[Anonymous]

I think that sometimes we lump together friends of convenience with friends of choice. Friends of convenience can be very good friends but once the situation that make those friendships tick ends then those friendships will wane unless you and the friend both make the choice to remain friends. I have had friends that I enjoyed while my kids were friends with or on teams with their kids. But once the situation changed, our friendship waned since we both moved on and didn’t both feel compelled to find reasons to stay connected. I also have friends I met through my kids who I have on purpose chosen to remain friends with even when our kids circumstances changed. So my answer to the question is yes you can remain friends if both you and the friend are willing to put in the work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My last mom friendships were when my kids were in middle school. When the kids became more independent it all faded. I have no friends, but I can't say I miss those types of friendships at all.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I happen to be friends with parents of my kids friends, but none of it is based around the kids friendships at this point. That just happens to be how we met. So imagine those friendships will stay the same ?

They won’t

I refuse to believe that. My core group of friends we met through our kids when they were babies. The kids all go to different schools now and I see the other moms a million times more then the kids see each other. Heck the kids only hang out when the adults want to gtg and we drag our families along.

I talk to them every single day. We vacation together, we have been through the loss of parents and spouses. We have supported each other through illness and layoffs. That doesn't just disappear because our kids got old.

We have been friends for 13 years and I can't think of a day where we haven't talked!

Sure some friends are based only on the kids but not all.