Should I give up tenured professor position to help DH move higher?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Move to the next level. You have been there done that in academia. It's a great big world out there, and in a couple years I think you will be surprised that you had even considered staying. We all get stuck competing in tournaments (human nature) while rarely examining whether this is the tournament in which we even want to compete.

Using some counterfactual visualization may be helpful. If you had a fulfilling life living abroad as your husband rockets forward in his career, would you give it up to have a tenured professorship, which you had already experienced before?

What?

This is silly to the point of being stupid. There is no next level. She’s exactly where she wants to be and will never find this level of flexibility and intellectual freedom anywhere else. It simply doesn’t exist.

I don’t understand “why” her husband needs to move up in his career. It sounds like he’s in a good place as is. The other option is for the husband to move abroad on his own and the family to schedule frequent visits to each other.

It certainly does exist, but for most of us it is beyond practical imagination. Don't be bitter about it--be happy for her. Did Grace Kelly experience a sort of next level when she retired from acting at 26 to become Princess of Monaco? I dare say yes. That is an extreme example to prove a point: There is more out there than many of us will ever see.

Lots of women would have killed to have Grace Kelly's career, and the idea that she would "retire" in her prime must have seemed unfathomable. Except to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I need some advices on whether I should give up my career to help DH move higher.

I am a tenured full professor making about 190k and my DH's career skyrocketed past couple years and now is in an EVP position in corporate making around 7 figures. We have four young children but between outsourcing for help and my flexible hours, we managed to make it work while keeping both our careers in track. However, for my DH to progress further, the fastest way is for him to take an international position within his own company for 3-5 years, which means I may need to give up my job if the family needs to move with him.

I am not sure what to do in this situation. On one hand, I love my job, feel respected in my institution, and find the research part intellectually stimulating and the teaching part very rewarding. The job is cushy with good benefits (we are on my health insurance), amazing flexibility, and summer/winter off. On the other hand, I also know that my earnings/growth has pretty much plateaued as I am not interested in moving into admin nor have the time to become a superstar in my field while my DH still has room for growth. But if I do give up and move overseas, it would be very hard to get back into academia as the job market is super competitive.

I know we are very privileged to even be in this position, but what do you think I should do in this situation?

Op do you mind sharing your age and what field you are in ? Are you in an R1 or smaller college? Curious how you made it to tenure with four kids and a husband with a high earning career.

[Anonymous]

OP is pitching her new novel.

[Anonymous]

No absolutely not. Take a year sabbatical and go back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I need some advices on whether I should give up my career to help DH move higher.

I am a tenured full professor making about 190k and my DH's career skyrocketed past couple years and now is in an EVP position in corporate making around 7 figures. We have four young children but between outsourcing for help and my flexible hours, we managed to make it work while keeping both our careers in track. However, for my DH to progress further, the fastest way is for him to take an international position within his own company for 3-5 years, which means I may need to give up my job if the family needs to move with him.

I am not sure what to do in this situation. On one hand, I love my job, feel respected in my institution, and find the research part intellectually stimulating and the teaching part very rewarding. The job is cushy with good benefits (we are on my health insurance), amazing flexibility, and summer/winter off. On the other hand, I also know that my earnings/growth has pretty much plateaued as I am not interested in moving into admin nor have the time to become a superstar in my field while my DH still has room for growth. But if I do give up and move overseas, it would be very hard to get back into academia as the job market is super competitive.

I know we are very privileged to even be in this position, but what do you think I should do in this situation?

Op do you mind sharing your age and what field you are in ? Are you in an R1 or smaller college? Curious how you made it to tenure with four kids and a husband with a high earning career.

I imagine op received tenure first and the had her kids.

[Anonymous]

Reflecting on this post, as someone with a PhD and had many friends with PhDs. PPs are right I don't know a single one, even my very religious friends, that were able to have 4 kids. And know none with tenure. I'm 38. So OP, with 4 kids under 6 can't be that much older than me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reflecting on this post, as someone with a PhD and had many friends with PhDs. PPs are right I don't know a single one, even my very religious friends, that were able to have 4 kids. And know none with tenure. I'm 38. So OP, with 4 kids under 6 can't be that much older than me.

Amy Coney Barrett did it. She's not a one off. People on this thread seem to be assuming that OP is more or less like them. She is obviously not.

[Anonymous]

Don’t leave your job. If he gets laid off, or runs off with the nanny, you will be grateful for your family friendly job.

[Anonymous]

If they do move to Singapore, and then he leaves her for the nanny, how much of his 7-8 figure salary will she get?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is pitching her new novel.

That’s what it feels like to me. It doesn’t seem likely that a full professor (not assistant or associate) has 4 kids 6 and under and also has a seven figure earning spouse. The % of full professors with a 6 and under kid is probably .1%

[Anonymous]

If Op is real, I would suggest a post nup. Her career would be essentially over due to his move and he should compensate her if they should divorce.

[Anonymous]

Watch Expats series. Nicole Kidman portrays the trailing spouse role accurately. Not the missing kid part. But the part that she had a career and used to matter in the USA and as a trailing spouse in Asia she became an NPC.
You need to figure out what you’re going to do with yourself once you give up your job. I met former female CLO’s and High powered Lawyers who had to give up their job for their exec husband’s job. I’m not saying they were unhappy or sad but there was a lot of justification dialogue going on about I didn’t want to work anymore anyway and I’m busy enough here as a SAHM. Just be clear on what you are going to do and how you will define yourself once you give up tenure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, children are very young (oldest is only 6) so we are not too concerned about disruption to their lives. DH isn't sure either, he will likely need to find another job in another company if he does not want to move into international P/L roles in his company.

Do you want to leave your job, temporarily or permanently? Do you want to go overseas? Would it be hard for your husband to find another job at another company?

What motivates you here?

I have to say, it doesn't sit well that the assumption is your husband's career really matters and yours is expendable.

THIS.

You matter too, even if you aren't pulling in seven figures. The expat community is very sexist in this way. It's very easy to become a SAHM and lady who lunches, but it's not real life. But because almost everyone you will know is also an expat it seems normal.

You don't need to think about what you are going to do five years from now. You need to think about what you are going to be doing twenty years from now. If you stall your career out now what are you going to be doing when you are in your 50's. That's not to say don't do this, but don't do it without a lot of thoughtful consideration about your long-term future.

Also, my willingness to do this would greatly depend on where in the world the job opportunities are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^WTF are you on about? They are 6 and under, they don't know sh*t.

They certainly don’t know what it’s like to have a mother who gives them a single thought, that’s for sure.

Oh shut up. What inane babble.

OP is either a liar or a horrible mother, there’s no in between. I suspect she’s a liar.

There’s a zero percent chance these two “rock star” high earners have four kids and all the time, freedom and choice in the world. And not even the worst parents I know would talk so much about their careers and lives and moving without a single MENTION of their children. If nothing else, OP should care about how much the children will miss the nannies who are clearly the only loving and caring presence they know.

She literally mentioned the kids in right in the beginning of her first post. Do shut up.

[Anonymous]

You are a very rich, intelligent woman and don't need to work. I'd be writing a book in my gorgeous new Hong Kong apartment.