Should I give up tenured professor position to help DH move higher?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I need some advices on whether I should give up my career to help DH move higher.

I am a tenured full professor making about 190k and my DH's career skyrocketed past couple years and now is in an EVP position in corporate making around 7 figures. We have four young children but between outsourcing for help and my flexible hours, we managed to make it work while keeping both our careers in track. However, for my DH to progress further, the fastest way is for him to take an international position within his own company for 3-5 years, which means I may need to give up my job if the family needs to move with him.

I am not sure what to do in this situation. On one hand, I love my job, feel respected in my institution, and find the research part intellectually stimulating and the teaching part very rewarding. The job is cushy with good benefits (we are on my health insurance), amazing flexibility, and summer/winter off. On the other hand, I also know that my earnings/growth has pretty much plateaued as I am not interested in moving into admin nor have the time to become a superstar in my field while my DH still has room for growth. But if I do give up and move overseas, it would be very hard to get back into academia as the job market is super competitive.

I know we are very privileged to even be in this position, but what do you think I should do in this situation?

Op do you mind sharing your age and what field you are in ? Are you in an R1 or smaller college? Curious how you made it to tenure with four kids and a husband with a high earning career.

+1
I’m curious how she did that PLUS landed at $190K in acadamia! Hard sciences, OP? This seems extraordinarily high to me? If it’s not in the law school or business school….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is pitching her new novel.

That’s what it feels like to me. It doesn’t seem likely that a full professor (not assistant or associate) has 4 kids 6 and under and also has a seven figure earning spouse. The % of full professors with a 6 and under kid is probably .1%

Either that or the OP did a switcheroo on the gender for the purposes of trying to remain anonymous and it’s her DH who is the tenured professor and she’s actually trying to find out of people think it’s reasonable for her to ask him to give up his position to move overseas so she can advance to the next level.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks. DH needs to move because people in his role usually needs to move after 3ish years, either to a P/L role internationally or other companies. I can take maybe a 1 year unpaid leave and a year sabbatical, not sure I can extend too much beyond that (I can try to negotiate for online teaching, not very hopeful though)

1 year of unpaid leave plus 1 year of sabbatical takes you to 2 years. The third year you can live apart and visit in the summer. If you are inclined, maybe do some research when you're not teaching. During my sabattical I was the trailing spouse and made a well recieved documentary film

I’d do something like this.

[Anonymous]

What do your kids think? Are any in middle/high school where a move is tough? Do they want to live abroad for several years? Is that an experience you want for them? What country and where? Near a city? What will your days be like? Will you have help? What about the language barrier? Could you teach there? Will your husband have time to travel with you around Europe? I think these are actually more important than whether you give up your job.

[Anonymous]

Do not give up tenure. At his level ANYTHING can happen with DH’s job. He may feel great now, but one of many things that could happen is a new CEO comes in and brings in their own people. Find a way to make it work while you keep your job even if that means living separately for a while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do not give up tenure. At his level ANYTHING can happen with DH’s job. He may feel great now, but one of many things that could happen is a new CEO comes in and brings in their own people. Find a way to make it work while you keep your job even if that means living separately for a while.

NP Most normal people could retire after just a few years of her dh's salary.

[Anonymous]

Good point about why do you need more/to go higher?

You guys are both successful . Your kids are little. These years are precious, and they fly by. You are sitting pretty, so why not sit where you are.

Having said that, living overseas might be cool…but it does not sound like a particular goal for your family. Would it even be an appealing country? It will likely disrupt your kids when you try to move them back for high school. The teen years are a very hard time to move/leave your friends/break into a new crowd.

Just make sure you are not doing this just because you are in a treadmill and think you can’t get off. I would imagine you can pretty much afford what you need and want already.

What is best for your family (which is different than your bank account .., or your spouse’s ego).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, children are very young (oldest is only 6) so we are not too concerned about disruption to their lives. DH isn't sure either, he will likely need to find another job in another company if he does not want to move into international P/L roles in his company.

You're a full tenured professor, have 4 kids, and the oldest is 6?

That's...unusual.

OP here, we only started having kids after I got tenure and had my research pipeline setup. We also received a lot of help (nannies, in-laws etc.) and the covid years with remote teaching also helped too with schedule management (we had a live-in nanny who decided to stay with us). Even with all that, my research productivity definitely suffered and I feel I got lucky with the bid for promotion to full. With all the kids now, it is hard to see how I can become more productive and I guess I will remain as an average scholar in a middling university.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, children are very young (oldest is only 6) so we are not too concerned about disruption to their lives. DH isn't sure either, he will likely need to find another job in another company if he does not want to move into international P/L roles in his company.

Do you want to leave your job, temporarily or permanently? Do you want to go overseas? Would it be hard for your husband to find another job at another company?

What motivates you here?

I have to say, it doesn't sit well that the assumption is your husband's career really matters and yours is expendable.

OP here. I have mixed emotion on this. I enjoy my job and feel I make a positive contribution to society, and being a professor has really become a big part of my self identity; however, I also feel my growth has plateaued with full professorship and the slack on my research productivity with all the kids. On the other hand, DH is in a role with still significant room for growth, it is not unusual to find previous people in his role to eventually move to CEO roles when stars aligns right. So I am worried about eventual resentment on his part if I deny his opportunity for further advancement.

Both DH and I spend significant amount of time overseas when we were young (immigrant family), so we (or at least I) are not really excited about living abroad again. The experience may be good for the kids, but they are too young now for us to truly see how much a difference the experience will matter to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Watch Expats series. Nicole Kidman portrays the trailing spouse role accurately. Not the missing kid part. But the part that she had a career and used to matter in the USA and as a trailing spouse in Asia she became an NPC.
You need to figure out what you’re going to do with yourself once you give up your job. I met former female CLO’s and High powered Lawyers who had to give up their job for their exec husband’s job. I’m not saying they were unhappy or sad but there was a lot of justification dialogue going on about I didn’t want to work anymore anyway and I’m busy enough here as a SAHM. Just be clear on what you are going to do and how you will define yourself once you give up tenure.

The Expats series really resonated with me and this is one of my biggest worries. I am also not excited about expat life in general, not against it per se, just no feelings and view it as a necessity if it comes to it.

[Anonymous]

No. What is the end game here? If your husband makes 7 figures you are well past the point of needing more money to have a happy life. You are giving up your professional fulfillment so DH can be a bit more of a rockstar? I don’t see any reason you should do that if you are already financially well positioned. DH can make some career sacrifices too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, children are very young (oldest is only 6) so we are not too concerned about disruption to their lives. DH isn't sure either, he will likely need to find another job in another company if he does not want to move into international P/L roles in his company.

Do you want to leave your job, temporarily or permanently? Do you want to go overseas? Would it be hard for your husband to find another job at another company?

What motivates you here?

I have to say, it doesn't sit well that the assumption is your husband's career really matters and yours is expendable.

THIS.

You matter too, even if you aren't pulling in seven figures. The expat community is very sexist in this way. It's very easy to become a SAHM and lady who lunches, but it's not real life. But because almost everyone you will know is also an expat it seems normal.

You don't need to think about what you are going to do five years from now. You need to think about what you are going to be doing twenty years from now. If you stall your career out now what are you going to be doing when you are in your 50's. That's not to say don't do this, but don't do it without a lot of thoughtful consideration about your long-term future.

Also, my willingness to do this would greatly depend on where in the world the job opportunities are.

OP here. Thanks for the advice. Due to the natura of my work, I feel I will just be doing the same thing when I am 50's as I am now. I guess it is this sense of stagnation while DH still has large room for growth that adds to my dilemma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At my institution they will allow people to move to teaching online courses temporarily (3-5 years is a lot but I've seen it) in cases like this. But there have to already be online courses or a need for online courses and you have to be able to teach them. Have you asked? Would you want to do that?

This is very useful information, thank you. Yes we do have some online courses but everyone wants to teach them instead of on-ground ones as you can imagine, so hard to see if the school will allow me to do that.

[Anonymous]

I didn’t read all the posts but did you mention what you teach?

Why don’t you apply for a Fulbright wherever your husband goes? That should buy you another year (after leave of absence and sabbatical).

I have a couple of friends now in this 40s who are busting their butts to get tenure. They would never give that up and I would not either. I’m 100 percent know I would regret it.

[Anonymous]

Sorry but I don’t think you’re a professor making 190k. While that’s certainly a do-able salary, that’s mostly in Research 1 institutions, you say you are young (have small kids) and seem to have most of your responsibility teaching courses and not actively pushing out grad students, so don’t think you make 190k.