How do I confront DH?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:i was in your shoes a few years ago and I thought I had all the proof in the world. I was so emotionally committed to his cheating that I couldn’t think and then it turned out he wasn’t. So,I’m now divorced. Be careful.

Intrigued. What made you think he was??

OP is also intrigued. My proof is of the rapturous text message variety, plus viagra/cologne/wine wine opener in briefcase and GPS spoofing. And how do you know he wasn't?

NP. Please say you took photos of all the above (since it sounds as if you haven't told him you saw these items in his briefcase--??). Because he may simply deny they were ever there, if you later say, I saw this stuff.....

Viagra. Wow.

Indeed I did!! And trying to figure out ways to get more info without access to his phone. Cologne you could kinda say is not dispositive. But viagra...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:i was in your shoes a few years ago and I thought I had all the proof in the world. I was so emotionally committed to his cheating that I couldn’t think and then it turned out he wasn’t. So,I’m now divorced. Be careful.

Intrigued. What made you think he was??

OP is also intrigued. My proof is of the rapturous text message variety, plus viagra/cologne/wine wine opener in briefcase and GPS spoofing. And how do you know he wasn't?

NP. Please say you took photos of all the above (since it sounds as if you haven't told him you saw these items in his briefcase--??). Because he may simply deny they were ever there, if you later say, I saw this stuff.....

Viagra. Wow.

Indeed I did!! And trying to figure out ways to get more info without access to his phone. Cologne you could kinda say is not dispositive. But viagra...

Sorry OP. My ex had bought jewelry for the OW. Painful memories of discoveries. Recommend chumplady.com Life does get better.

[Anonymous]

Untangle yourself from him. Create an image of the future where he isn’t present. Start living it. Hobbies, friends, new interests. Maybe find yourself a new guy. You’ve got a free pass now. Tell his AP’s husband. Why should you be the only one in pain? Or not, whatever you like. Feed the cat so it becomes YOUR cat. That would be the best revenge.

[Anonymous]

Ugh I hate this for you Op.

Honestly if there is any way you could just ignore it and keep your life how you want it, I’d recommend that.

But also you need to protect yourself so see a lawyer discreetly and get your ducks in a row.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do not confront until you have figured out how to best protect yourself financially.

Man here. And custody of your cat!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m guessing by this point you can count the number of times you’ve slept together on one hand over the past two years, is his affair partner really such affront?

What you could do is have a non-accusatory conversation where you discuss the realities of your union, you mention the beautiful life you’ve built together and if you could get some promises that some things would remain the same going into the future maybe you would be OK with having a more familial relationship with your husband? You may even find you like each other better because the pressure is off to provide those facets of a marriage you no longer find appealing.
This doesn’t have to be a bad thing.

Np and this sounds crazy …but not.
We don’t have a lot of sex these days (neither of us seems that into initiating) but my DH and I have a good marriage, a great friendship and love our family of five that we’ve created! Soon all 3 kids will be out of the house and we definitely enjoy each other’s company but I don’t know if the sex drive is there for either of us. I’d probably be devastated if he were having an affair but only bc I’d be emotionally jealous.
But if he were to tell me “it’s just a sex thing” AND it was with another married woman, I’d probably be able to get past it. It’s an ego thing though. Not sure I can be okay with him wanting to be with another woman even physically. But I recognize that maybe he needs it more from somewhere!
I would mourn our companionship and our life together if we divorced though. No one makes me laugh the way he does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m guessing by this point you can count the number of times you’ve slept together on one hand over the past two years, is his affair partner really such affront?

What you could do is have a non-accusatory conversation where you discuss the realities of your union, you mention the beautiful life you’ve built together and if you could get some promises that some things would remain the same going into the future maybe you would be OK with having a more familial relationship with your husband? You may even find you like each other better because the pressure is off to provide those facets of a marriage you no longer find appealing.
This doesn’t have to be a bad thing.

Np and this sounds crazy …but not.
We don’t have a lot of sex these days (neither of us seems that into initiating) but my DH and I have a good marriage, a great friendship and love our family of five that we’ve created! Soon all 3 kids will be out of the house and we definitely enjoy each other’s company but I don’t know if the sex drive is there for either of us. I’d probably be devastated if he were having an affair but only bc I’d be emotionally jealous.
But if he were to tell me “it’s just a sex thing” AND it was with another married woman, I’d probably be able to get past it. It’s an ego thing though. Not sure I can be okay with him wanting to be with another woman even physically. But I recognize that maybe he needs it more from somewhere!
I would mourn our companionship and our life together if we divorced though. No one makes me laugh the way he does.

Really interesting perspective NP (OP here). Hadn’t thought about it like that. Parallels with what’s happened in our relationship. hopefully your DH comes out of it better!

[Anonymous]

I’m also in the thick of this OP and definitely agree with the advice to get things in order before proceeding. You have information that he does not and you should be using it to prepare for the worst case scenario.

Maybe you want to work through things and maybe you’ll decide you want to move on. But the right thing to do for yourself AND your children is take this time to prepare for a worst case scenario and to take time to step back and think instead of rushing to confront

I have known about my DH for months now but I’m still gathering paperwork, talking to lawyers, forensic accountants, PIs etc.

I’ve also found in these past few months that I’m liking my life more without his usual level of influence. I no longer care what he thinks or about babying him or smoothing over situations to appease him. I feel more in touch with my old, pre-marriage self and am finding I like that woman a lot more than the one I’ve become to appease him.

If you’re going to go through all this fuss, it may be worth spending a couple thousand dollars to hire a PI and figure out what’s really going on once and for all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why docs are suggesting even married women get the HPV vaccine now. If you're under 45 go get it now. Cheating, divorce, being widowed- many reasons why you can be exposed later.

You think this woman got married at 15?

There's a generation of women - 40-45 ish- who never got the vax because it wasn't approved for their age when it came out and then it wasn't really "marketed" toward them once approved. My OB is on a mission to spread the word.

Why under 45? I'm 50 and never got it and I wonder about it here and there.

Its only approved (for now) to age 45. I don't understand why. The NP at our md office said they get a good amount of ladies over 55 coming in with STIs for the reasons described above.

Supposedly older people don't respond as well by making immunity. And also, since the shot prevents cervical cancer, which often takes a long time to develop to a life threatening stage, they figure the average 50 yo might die of other causes before they die of cervical cancer from HPV.

But, really, I think it is because the powers that be can't stomach the idea of older women having sex for pleasure. They can't control the post-menopausal woman's sexuality with the threat of pregnancy and having to raise a child solo, so all they're left with is fear of STIs.

[Anonymous]

Just know that if you divorce, you'll be ok. Statistically, women are happier and healthier after divorce than men.

I know you want proof of the affair before pulling the trigger. I support doing whatever is necessary to get proof - Pi, spyware on his phone. But, you are allowed to trust your intuition. He will probably deny if confronted. You may never get the truth from him.

Meet with a lawyer. Gather all the info you need. All ducks in a row before you confront him.

Also know that you could easily find an affair partner if you wanted. You aren't doing that because you are loyal. But you could download a dating app today, and have multiple dates lined up by tomorrow. Don't let your husband's affair destroy your self-esteem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just know that if you divorce, you'll be ok. Statistically, women are happier and healthier after divorce than men.

I know you want proof of the affair before pulling the trigger. I support doing whatever is necessary to get proof - Pi, spyware on his phone. But, you are allowed to trust your intuition. He will probably deny if confronted. You may never get the truth from him.

Meet with a lawyer. Gather all the info you need. All ducks in a row before you confront him.

Also know that you could easily find an affair partner if you wanted. You aren't doing that because you are loyal. But you could download a dating app today, and have multiple dates lined up by tomorrow. Don't let your husband's affair destroy your self-esteem.

Thank you for this - so kind. I am going to research lawyers…yes that’s the hard part, the self esteem! I struggle with the PI piece, not on moral grounds (hah) but because i don’t see how they could get inside his work fortress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m also in the thick of this OP and definitely agree with the advice to get things in order before proceeding. You have information that he does not and you should be using it to prepare for the worst case scenario.

Maybe you want to work through things and maybe you’ll decide you want to move on. But the right thing to do for yourself AND your children is take this time to prepare for a worst case scenario and to take time to step back and think instead of rushing to confront

I have known about my DH for months now but I’m still gathering paperwork, talking to lawyers, forensic accountants, PIs etc.

I’ve also found in these past few months that I’m liking my life more without his usual level of influence. I no longer care what he thinks or about babying him or smoothing over situations to appease him. I feel more in touch with my old, pre-marriage self and am finding I like that woman a lot more than the one I’ve become to appease him.

If you’re going to go through all this fuss, it may be worth spending a couple thousand dollars to hire a PI and figure out what’s really going on once and for all.

Wise words, thank you. It just sickens me to think taking these steps and what worst case would look like - literally have no appetite, can’t sleep - but it’s the right thing to do.

[Anonymous]

Wise words, thank you. It just sickens me to think taking these steps and what worst case would look like - literally have no appetite, can’t sleep - but it’s the right thing to do

If you choose to divorce, there will definitely be a period of grieving. Even 4 years later, a wave of sadness or nostalgia hits me sometimes. But time really does heal. You have to trust that you'll be ok... not immediately, but eventually.

I don't think you have to worry about "worst case." It sounds like your kids are nearly adults? And you have a good career and income. The worst case would be being trapped with a cheating spouse because you can't afford to get out. You don't actually have to live with a man and wonder what he is hiding on his phone, what he is doing at work, on work trips, is he really at the gym? You can choose you. There is peace on the other side of divorce... and joy, travel, friends, insependence. Sending you a hug, whatever you decide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m guessing by this point you can count the number of times you’ve slept together on one hand over the past two years, is his affair partner really such affront?

What you could do is have a non-accusatory conversation where you discuss the realities of your union, you mention the beautiful life you’ve built together and if you could get some promises that some things would remain the same going into the future maybe you would be OK with having a more familial relationship with your husband? You may even find you like each other better because the pressure is off to provide those facets of a marriage you no longer find appealing.
This doesn’t have to be a bad thing.

It IS a really bad thing if he has been claiming ED (as OP said he has) as the reason for infrequent sex but having sex with an AP instead. Total affront.

It is the deceit and betrayal from someone you love and built a family with for decades that will prove difficult to get past. This will settle over OP soon. Above post is laughable.There is no way to like someone who cheated better than pre f-up. Destruction is still to come. Friends and family will also feel the hit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why docs are suggesting even married women get the HPV vaccine now. If you're under 45 go get it now. Cheating, divorce, being widowed- many reasons why you can be exposed later.

You think this woman got married at 15?

There's a generation of women - 40-45 ish- who never got the vax because it wasn't approved for their age when it came out and then it wasn't really "marketed" toward them once approved. My OB is on a mission to spread the word.

Why under 45? I'm 50 and never got it and I wonder about it here and there.

Its only approved (for now) to age 45. I don't understand why. The NP at our md office said they get a good amount of ladies over 55 coming in with STIs for the reasons described above.

Supposedly older people don't respond as well by making immunity. And also, since the shot prevents cervical cancer, which often takes a long time to develop to a life threatening stage, they figure the average 50 yo might die of other causes before they die of cervical cancer from HPV.

But, really, I think it is because the powers that be can't stomach the idea of older women having sex for pleasure. They can't control the post-menopausal woman's sexuality with the threat of pregnancy and having to raise a child solo, so all they're left with is fear of STIs.

NP. The last paragraph above smacks loudly of conspiracy theory. "The powers that be can't stomach the idea of older women having sex for pleasure" so...these "powers" deny older women Gardasil? I'd wager that any deceny gynecologist would gladly give it to older women if it were effective to do so; gyns are the ones seeing older women coming in with STIs at increasing rates. And yes, it's not just "fear of STIs" happening, there is actual reason to be concerned because STIs are rising overall, including among older women and men. ("Sexually transmitted infections (STI) among older adults have dramatically increased in recent years, especially among those who are widowed and divorced." https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7177870/)

But I suspect that by "the powers that be," you don't mean gyns, you mean societal conservatives who don't want older women to have sex. Well, surely they don't, but they're too busy trying to force women of childbearing age to surrender autonomy over their bodies and keep having babies. Older women, meanwhile, should educate themselves more about STIs and the risks they're running when they get back onto the market after divorcing or being widowed. Let's not dismiss STIs as just a "fear" being foisted on women, as if STIs aren't a actual issue.