How do I confront DH?

[Anonymous]

Can’t turn a blind eye any longer - never would have thought it but after 30yrs of a happy and peaceful marriage, 2 grown kids, yep, you guessed it. Feels like he’d be happy to coast along into the sunset with this chick on the side (also married, kids - a work colleague). I think it’s recently moved from emotional affair/work cheerleader to physical. Confrontation will be so painful, esp as he will deny and i will have to bring out sordid proof.

Obv i don’t want to - can’t - live like this. But everything from finances to the cat is so intertwined - we’ve built such a nice life - though it now feels like it’s on sand. Also don’t want to be alone…

Any stories from DCUM on a) how best to confront; b) getting past something like this; and/or c) post-divorce finding another partner at an advanced age?

Thank you for listening.

[Anonymous]

What do you want out of a confrontation?

Don’t do it until you know this and have consulted an attorney.

Even if you don’t want a divorce, he might.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Do not confront until you have figured out how to best protect yourself financially.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you want out of a confrontation?

Don’t do it until you know this and have consulted an attorney.

Even if you don’t want a divorce, he might.

Good luck.

I think this is part of my problem - i don’t know what i want. Maybe I do want a divorce.
What I want to know is how much she means to him, and whether he still loves me. But maybe confrontation wouldn’t get me these answers!
Re attorney - I outearn him and have some separate assets but I guess as our finances are so intertwined I should talk with an attorney to see how a split would work.

[Anonymous]

You lost me when bringing up the cat.

[Anonymous]

This is why docs are suggesting even married women get the HPV vaccine now. If you're under 45 go get it now. Cheating, divorce, being widowed- many reasons why you can be exposed later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you want out of a confrontation?

Don’t do it until you know this and have consulted an attorney.

Even if you don’t want a divorce, he might.

Good luck.

I think this is part of my problem - i don’t know what i want. Maybe I do want a divorce.
What I want to know is how much she means to him, and whether he still loves me. But maybe confrontation wouldn’t get me these answers!
Re attorney - I outearn him and have some separate assets but I guess as our finances are so intertwined I should talk with an attorney to see how a split would work.

Unless those assets were transferred as gifts or inheritance, those are not separate. I don't understand how the "out earners" never get this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why docs are suggesting even married women get the HPV vaccine now. If you're under 45 go get it now. Cheating, divorce, being widowed- many reasons why you can be exposed later.

You think this woman got married at 15?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why docs are suggesting even married women get the HPV vaccine now. If you're under 45 go get it now. Cheating, divorce, being widowed- many reasons why you can be exposed later.

You think this woman got married at 15?

There's a generation of women - 40-45 ish- who never got the vax because it wasn't approved for their age when it came out and then it wasn't really "marketed" toward them once approved. My OB is on a mission to spread the word.

[Anonymous]

I’m guessing by this point you can count the number of times you’ve slept together on one hand over the past two years, is his affair partner really such affront?

What you could do is have a non-accusatory conversation where you discuss the realities of your union, you mention the beautiful life you’ve built together and if you could get some promises that some things would remain the same going into the future maybe you would be OK with having a more familial relationship with your husband? You may even find you like each other better because the pressure is off to provide those facets of a marriage you no longer find appealing.
This doesn’t have to be a bad thing.

[Anonymous]

I'd be tired of him after 30 years. Get yourself a young one. Clone the cat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why docs are suggesting even married women get the HPV vaccine now. If you're under 45 go get it now. Cheating, divorce, being widowed- many reasons why you can be exposed later.

You think this woman got married at 15?

There's a generation of women - 40-45 ish- who never got the vax because it wasn't approved for their age when it came out and then it wasn't really "marketed" toward them once approved. My OB is on a mission to spread the word.

Why under 45? I'm 50 and never got it and I wonder about it here and there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you want out of a confrontation?

Don’t do it until you know this and have consulted an attorney.

Even if you don’t want a divorce, he might.

Good luck.

I think this is part of my problem - i don’t know what i want. Maybe I do want a divorce.
What I want to know is how much she means to him, and whether he still loves me. But maybe confrontation wouldn’t get me these answers!
Re attorney - I outearn him and have some separate assets but I guess as our finances are so intertwined I should talk with an attorney to see how a split would work.

Unless those assets were transferred as gifts or inheritance, those are not separate. I don't understand how the "out earners" never get this.

The way she worded it, I assumed inheritance. But OP it doesn’t really matter, there’s a very good chance here that one of you will want a divorce and then you have to get divorced. So you may as well meet with an attorney and know the landscape and any important strategies before you have the conversation.

One way to think of this is that you’re in the “life upheaval” stage of life anyway. Most people I know in the pre-retirement empty nest phase have something that upends their life unexpectedly. Illness, death, financial hardship or windfall, adult child going off the rails, high needs grandchildren, something. Sounds like you might have drawn gray divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you want out of a confrontation?

Don’t do it until you know this and have consulted an attorney.

Even if you don’t want a divorce, he might.

Good luck.

I think this is part of my problem - i don’t know what i want. Maybe I do want a divorce.
What I want to know is how much she means to him, and whether he still loves me. But maybe confrontation wouldn’t get me these answers!
Re attorney - I outearn him and have some separate assets but I guess as our finances are so intertwined I should talk with an attorney to see how a split would work.

I’m sorry, I know it’s hard. But my advice remains the same. Do not confront until you know what you want moving forward. See a therapist if you need help. Keep documenting proof in case he eventually tries to gaslight you. Focus on your relationships with your kids, friends and other extended family.

But don’t let on that you know until you have spoken with an attorney and protected yourself.

Finally I think it’s important to accept that if you do divorce, you may or may not find another life partner. My mother married the love of her life at around your age and is very happy. But other people aren’t as lucky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why docs are suggesting even married women get the HPV vaccine now. If you're under 45 go get it now. Cheating, divorce, being widowed- many reasons why you can be exposed later.

You think this woman got married at 15?

There's a generation of women - 40-45 ish- who never got the vax because it wasn't approved for their age when it came out and then it wasn't really "marketed" toward them once approved. My OB is on a mission to spread the word.

Why under 45? I'm 50 and never got it and I wonder about it here and there.

Its only approved (for now) to age 45. I don't understand why. The NP at our md office said they get a good amount of ladies over 55 coming in with STIs for the reasons described above.