How do I confront DH?

[Anonymous]

Plan first. Confront later.

The first year is challenging with so many changes and adjusting, but it gets better. So much better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why docs are suggesting even married women get the HPV vaccine now. If you're under 45 go get it now. Cheating, divorce, being widowed- many reasons why you can be exposed later.

You think this woman got married at 15?

There's a generation of women - 40-45 ish- who never got the vax because it wasn't approved for their age when it came out and then it wasn't really "marketed" toward them once approved. My OB is on a mission to spread the word.

This is true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why docs are suggesting even married women get the HPV vaccine now. If you're under 45 go get it now. Cheating, divorce, being widowed- many reasons why you can be exposed later.

You think this woman got married at 15?

There's a generation of women - 40-45 ish- who never got the vax because it wasn't approved for their age when it came out and then it wasn't really "marketed" toward them once approved. My OB is on a mission to spread the word.

Why under 45? I'm 50 and never got it and I wonder about it here and there.

Its only approved (for now) to age 45. I don't understand why. The NP at our md office said they get a good amount of ladies over 55 coming in with STIs for the reasons described above.

TY. I'll bring it up at my next appointment so she's aware I am interested if the approval changes or if there is any off label use in my age group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can’t turn a blind eye any longer - never would have thought it but after 30yrs of a happy and peaceful marriage, 2 grown kids, yep, you guessed it. Feels like he’d be happy to coast along into the sunset with this chick on the side (also married, kids - a work colleague). I think it’s recently moved from emotional affair/work cheerleader to physical. Confrontation will be so painful, esp as he will deny and i will have to bring out sordid proof.

Obv i don’t want to - can’t - live like this. But everything from finances to the cat is so intertwined - we’ve built such a nice life - though it now feels like it’s on sand. Also don’t want to be alone…

Any stories from DCUM on a) how best to confront; b) getting past something like this; and/or c) post-divorce finding another partner at an advanced age?

Thank you for listening.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I've been in similar shoes in the last couple of years (married 20 years, 2 teenagers). My biggest piece of advice is don't do anything too quickly. Let everything sink in. Do not tell close friends/family what is happening, because if you two decide to work through it, relationships will never be the same (I'm dealing with this now). Talk to a therapist.

I've also come to realize I'm "co-dependent", which sounds like you may be as well. I regret giving up my career to raise our kids because my life revolves around my husband and kids now and I'm scared to be on my own. Now I'm looking at restarting my career at 50.

If you don't already, find something for yourself - for me it is tennis. I feel good about myself and have made a great group of new girlfriends.

When I did confront him, I left proof on his desk because I knew he would deny it. Then I kicked him out of the house because I wanted time and space to think. We ended up going to therapy and trying to work through things for the kids but I'll never trust him.

[Anonymous]

I agree that you should do nothing and not let on you know until you've had some time to process this, determine what your goal is and get your ducks in a row. There's a lot of research regarding decision making and when we are in heightened emotional states, we are less likely to make good decisions. As hard as it is, you really need to let the rational side of your brain come back to the fore.

I know it will be hard but give yourself 3-6 months. Work with a counselor, find an attorney, focus on YOUR wellness. You're hurting, it's not fair and life will suck for a while. But, you can do this. It will get better. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

OP, how good is your proof? Because your post says you just think he is having an affair.

Advice is very different if he is v. a maybe.

[Anonymous]

30 years is a lot to throw away. I would prepare, yes, but not wait too long to confront if you want to try to salvage things.

I used to have a very black and white view on infidelity but no longer do. Obviously I wouldn’t continue living with a chronic cheater but before throwing out your entire life, perhaps see if he is capable of working with you to evolve into a more honest and intimate /partner couple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that you should do nothing and not let on you know until you've had some time to process this, determine what your goal is and get your ducks in a row. There's a lot of research regarding decision making and when we are in heightened emotional states, we are less likely to make good decisions. As hard as it is, you really need to let the rational side of your brain come back to the fore.

I know it will be hard but give yourself 3-6 months. Work with a counselor, find an attorney, focus on YOUR wellness. You're hurting, it's not fair and life will suck for a while. But, you can do this. It will get better. Hugs.

+10000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can’t turn a blind eye any longer - never would have thought it but after 30yrs of a happy and peaceful marriage, 2 grown kids, yep, you guessed it. Feels like he’d be happy to coast along into the sunset with this chick on the side (also married, kids - a work colleague). I think it’s recently moved from emotional affair/work cheerleader to physical. Confrontation will be so painful, esp as he will deny and i will have to bring out sordid proof.

Obv i don’t want to - can’t - live like this. But everything from finances to the cat is so intertwined - we’ve built such a nice life - though it now feels like it’s on sand. Also don’t want to be alone…

Any stories from DCUM on a) how best to confront; b) getting past something like this; and/or c) post-divorce finding another partner at an advanced age?

Thank you for listening.

You are right. Don’t confront. It will just make him defensive and hide-which is also crazy making.

I finally left when I knew I would die soon if I stayed. The being ignored, gaslit, stonewalled etc was killing me. I made a plan. Got my affairs in order (had sufficient income and savings, separated my funds etc) and told him I was leaving —with 2 weeks notice. Rented an apartment. Lived peacefully for a year and am in the process of divorce. It’s painful and disruptive to my spirit and I know I will feel better on the other side. He would have kept the status quo. I did not explain or share this with a lot of people and I have 3 good women friends (each of whom are divorced and thriving) who are my supportive counsel in addition to my attorney.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you want out of a confrontation?

Don’t do it until you know this and have consulted an attorney.

Even if you don’t want a divorce, he might.

Good luck.

I think this is part of my problem - i don’t know what i want. Maybe I do want a divorce.
What I want to know is how much she means to him, and whether he still loves me. But maybe confrontation wouldn’t get me these answers!
Re attorney - I outearn him and have some separate assets but I guess as our finances are so intertwined I should talk with an attorney to see how a split would work.

This is so naive. Be smart. He is not a good person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why docs are suggesting even married women get the HPV vaccine now. If you're under 45 go get it now. Cheating, divorce, being widowed- many reasons why you can be exposed later.

You think this woman got married at 15?

There's a generation of women - 40-45 ish- who never got the vax because it wasn't approved for their age when it came out and then it wasn't really "marketed" toward them once approved. My OB is on a mission to spread the word.

Why under 45? I'm 50 and never got it and I wonder about it here and there.

Its only approved (for now) to age 45. I don't understand why. The NP at our md office said they get a good amount of ladies over 55 coming in with STIs for the reasons described above.

TY. I'll bring it up at my next appointment so she's aware I am interested if the approval changes or if there is any off label use in my age group.

It is approved for everyone, insurance just doesn’t cover it over 45 (I think actually 47 now). I’m 50 and divorced and paying out of pocket for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you want out of a confrontation?

Don’t do it until you know this and have consulted an attorney.

Even if you don’t want a divorce, he might.

Good luck.

I think this is part of my problem - i don’t know what i want. Maybe I do want a divorce.
What I want to know is how much she means to him, and whether he still loves me. But maybe confrontation wouldn’t get me these answers!
Re attorney - I outearn him and have some separate assets but I guess as our finances are so intertwined I should talk with an attorney to see how a split would work.

Will you get an honest answer if you ask him these questions? If not then don’t unless you want to feel worse. What does it matter what he would tell you? Actions speak volumes over words!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You lost me when bringing up the cat.

Seriously! OP clearly isn’t ready to make a move yet. Is still in shock and awe mode.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you want out of a confrontation?

Don’t do it until you know this and have consulted an attorney.

Even if you don’t want a divorce, he might.

Good luck.

I think this is part of my problem - i don’t know what i want. Maybe I do want a divorce.
What I want to know is how much she means to him, and whether he still loves me. But maybe confrontation wouldn’t get me these answers!
Re attorney - I outearn him and have some separate assets but I guess as our finances are so intertwined I should talk with an attorney to see how a split would work.

I’m sorry, I know it’s hard. But my advice remains the same. Do not confront until you know what you want moving forward. See a therapist if you need help. Keep documenting proof in case he eventually tries to gaslight you. Focus on your relationships with your kids, friends and other extended family.

But don’t let on that you know until you have spoken with an attorney and protected yourself.

Finally I think it’s important to accept that if you do divorce, you may or may not find another life partner. My mother married the love of her life at around your age and is very happy. But other people aren’t as lucky.

To assume that someone who might divorce is seeking a life partner after marriage is presumptuous. I am 60 and divorcing and have sad married friends (bad marriage preferred over independence) who think I need to start dating again and to not go into elderhood unhitched. Get out of here! I’ve been tethered and smothered and made unrecognizable by my marriage for 25 years. I’m not about to try again! If a miracle happens fine. And I’m not going looking for one!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you want out of a confrontation?

Don’t do it until you know this and have consulted an attorney.

Even if you don’t want a divorce, he might.

Good luck.

I think this is part of my problem - i don’t know what i want. Maybe I do want a divorce.
What I want to know is how much she means to him, and whether he still loves me. But maybe confrontation wouldn’t get me these answers!
Re attorney - I outearn him and have some separate assets but I guess as our finances are so intertwined I should talk with an attorney to see how a split would work.

I’m sorry, I know it’s hard. But my advice remains the same. Do not confront until you know what you want moving forward. See a therapist if you need help. Keep documenting proof in case he eventually tries to gaslight you. Focus on your relationships with your kids, friends and other extended family.

But don’t let on that you know until you have spoken with an attorney and protected yourself.

Finally I think it’s important to accept that if you do divorce, you may or may not find another life partner. My mother married the love of her life at around your age and is very happy. But other people aren’t as lucky.

To assume that someone who might divorce is seeking a life partner after marriage is presumptuous. I am 60 and divorcing and have sad married friends (bad marriage preferred over independence) who think I need to start dating again and to not go into elderhood unhitched. Get out of here! I’ve been tethered and smothered and made unrecognizable by my marriage for 25 years. I’m not about to try again! If a miracle happens fine. And I’m not going looking for one!

It’s not presumptuous, OP asked about finding a new partner in her original post