Uncertain future after divorce scares the heck out of me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ then she’s an idiot for choosing divorce.

She was probably advised to divorce by this very board! That's the first piece advice anyone gets here when they discuss a problem. And they are made to feel like an idiot if they stay!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is completely lacking in your post is any love or feeling for your ex-husband, glaringly so.

You want the lifestyle again. Your envisioned single girl life was t the Shangri-La you thought it would be.

You still don’t care about him at all—just your vision of grandkids and travel. Now you don’t have the funds to travel and have to split time with the grandkids—w/out a yard for them to play in.

Hmm, I read the post as being written by a man.

NP, I read it as being written by a woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[/b]What is completely lacking in your post is any love or feeling for your ex-husband, glaringly so.
[b]
You want the lifestyle again. Your envisioned single girl life was t the Shangri-La you thought it would be.

You still don’t care about him at all—just your vision of grandkids and travel. Now you don’t have the funds to travel and have to split time with the grandkids—w/out a yard for them to play in.

+1 he’d be a fool to take you back since even after the divorce, you take him for granted. No talk of missing him.

My god, some of these responders are cruel. You have no idea why OP divorced and she isn’t saying that she wants her ex back, she is saying that divorce stinks and majorly shakes up your world. A failed marriage doesn’t mean someone didn’t love the construct of marriage. It doesn’t mean that even in the best case divorce scenario, seeing your kids only 50% of the time isnt gut wrenching.

OPs husband could have cheated on her. He could have lied to. He could have had a gambling addiction that bankrupt the family. He could have been a narcissist. Or they could have just been at each others throats all the time and raising their kids in a toxic environment. Why do you assume the worst about OP? Seriously what is wrong with people here?

I’m sorry for what you’re going through OP. Divorce is a major loss in so many ways. Are you talking to anyone about your grief? Maybe connecting with other people who are also recently divorced? Spending time with family or friends who can help cheer you up while you’re not with your kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ then she’s an idiot for choosing divorce.

She was probably advised to divorce by this very board! That's the first piece advice anyone gets here when they discuss a problem. And they are made to feel like an idiot if they stay!

No, it's not. Read the other posts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorced a couple of years ago. Have been extremely uncomfortable from a mental/emotional standpoint since, mostly because my future feels so uncertain.

Before divorce, I imagined holidays where the kids come home, my spouse and I helping with grandkids, me and my spouse on vacation, our home filled with happiness.

With divorce, that idea is no more. I live in an apartment, I see my kids half the time, and I feel so lost. I feel like a total loser. I went into divorce knowing it would be hard, but I wasn’t expecting to feel this way.

Anyone out there experience similar feelings? I don’t know how to get past this and I find myself fantasizing about pre-divorce life, wondering if I made a mistake.

OP, I’m in the process now after a long marriage. It was not my decision. I’m really struggling with the things you mention. My future will look very different now and I’m scared and sad and resentful. I’m seeing a therapist and trying to work on myself in hopes of making peace with the whole thing, but I would really like a magic wand or a fast forward button.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorced a couple of years ago. Have been extremely uncomfortable from a mental/emotional standpoint since, mostly because my future feels so uncertain.

Before divorce, I imagined holidays where the kids come home, my spouse and I helping with grandkids, me and my spouse on vacation, our home filled with happiness.

With divorce, that idea is no more. I live in an apartment, I see my kids half the time, and I feel so lost. I feel like a total loser. I went into divorce knowing it would be hard, but I wasn’t expecting to feel this way.

Anyone out there experience similar feelings? I don’t know how to get past this and I find myself fantasizing about pre-divorce life, wondering if I made a mistake.

OP, I’m in the process now after a long marriage. It was not my decision. I’m really struggling with the things you mention. My future will look very different now and I’m scared and sad and resentful. I’m seeing a therapist and trying to work on myself in hopes of making peace with the whole thing, but I would really like a magic wand or a fast forward button.

Why did he want the divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorced a couple of years ago. Have been extremely uncomfortable from a mental/emotional standpoint since, mostly because my future feels so uncertain.

Before divorce, I imagined holidays where the kids come home, my spouse and I helping with grandkids, me and my spouse on vacation, our home filled with happiness.

With divorce, that idea is no more. I live in an apartment, I see my kids half the time, and I feel so lost. I feel like a total loser. I went into divorce knowing it would be hard, but I wasn’t expecting to feel this way.

Anyone out there experience similar feelings? I don’t know how to get past this and I find myself fantasizing about pre-divorce life, wondering if I made a mistake.

OP, I’m in the process now after a long marriage. It was not my decision. I’m really struggling with the things you mention. My future will look very different now and I’m scared and sad and resentful. I’m seeing a therapist and trying to work on myself in hopes of making peace with the whole thing, but I would really like a magic wand or a fast forward button.

Why did he want the divorce?

The usual reason – shiny new toy.

[Anonymous]

Sad reading this, but I can certain relate.

My x made the decision, and just stopped trying. It felt like a closing window where the space made for me and us kept getting smaller and smaller until it was essentially zero. And I called her out on it, so she just quit, with the encouragement of a few of her "happily divorced" girlfriends.

What I realized over time was there is no certainty. As much as I had similar daydreams to yours of growing old together and enjoying the next generation in our old age together, it takes two, and effort, and drive, and patience. If one of you isn't up for that, there's no amount of pushing against a rope that's going to change it. Sometimes all you can do is make a situation suck less.

In the years since we split, I am aware through friends that she has not had the life she expected, her relationship with our children is patchy at best, and I've heard she is surprised at the life I have built for myself and my new partner. Oh well.

I grieved a great deal...not only what I thought of as a failure, but increasingly the idea. I really think that we were deceived: that we thought you pick your person, you put your whole self into it, and you get to have this great thing. But for so many of us, it just didn't work that way.

Now when I wake up I usually look around and think -- oh, right, we're doing this now. It's okay, and it's more okay with every passing day.

You'll make it. Get the help you need. Get sleep and get exercise. Be open.