Reply to Uncertain future after divorce scares the heck out of me

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[quote=Anonymous]Sad reading this, but I can certain relate.

My x made the decision, and just stopped trying. It felt like a closing window where the space made for me and us kept getting smaller and smaller until it was essentially zero. And I called her out on it, so she just quit, with the encouragement of a few of her "happily divorced" girlfriends.

What I realized over time was there is no certainty. As much as I had similar daydreams to yours of growing old together and enjoying the next generation in our old age together, it takes two, and effort, and drive, and patience. If one of you isn't up for that, there's no amount of pushing against a rope that's going to change it. Sometimes all you can do is make a situation suck less.

In the years since we split, I am aware through friends that she has not had the life she expected, her relationship with our children is patchy at best, and I've heard she is surprised at the life I have built for myself and my new partner. Oh well.

I grieved a great deal...not only what I thought of as a failure, but increasingly the idea. I really think that we were deceived: that we thought you pick your person, you put your whole self into it, and you get to have this great thing. But for so many of us, it just didn't work that way.

Now when I wake up I usually look around and think -- oh, right, we're doing this now. It's okay, and it's more okay with every passing day.

You'll make it. Get the help you need. Get sleep and get exercise. Be open.

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