Uncertain future after divorce scares the heck out of me

[Anonymous]

Every now and then, there is a post like yours on DCUM. Regrets after divorce, particularly about living alone.

I find it interesting that the disappointed people didn't think this through. Either the marriage is so bad that living alone is a relief, or the marriage is not so bad, and you'd better figure out before you walk whether you're OK with living alone and never finding a companion ever again.

You'll have to power through, OP.

[Anonymous]

Everyone’s future is uncertain - we don’t know what lies ahead, we can just make the best we can with what we’ve been given.
You are living in your fantasies and in the future. Try to concentrate more on now. Do you enjoy your freedom and time without the kids? Are you happy you don’t have to deal with your ex as much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me guess: you got caught cheating or were cheating and thought you’d end up with AP or that you could do better than your husband.

OP is a man. No woman would say she feels like a "total loser". A divorced female would be on dating sites dating endlessly.

Ummm. I’ve heard women say that.

And the friends I have that divorced at 50 were horrified with the dating sites.

[Anonymous]

I am separated and wrestling with this now. I’m grieving a future I thought I would have, that I worked so hard to get. But circumstances change, and that was a fantasy. My day to day life now matters more than some light at the end of a tunnel. You can still see grandkids and travel, it just might not be with him. My hope is that we can be cordial at events we both want to attend - weddings, graduation, etc.

[Anonymous]

You can still have a happy home; that’s within your control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me guess: you got caught cheating or were cheating and thought you’d end up with AP or that you could do better than your husband.

OP is a man. No woman would say she feels like a "total loser". A divorced female would be on dating sites dating endlessly.

You really think this sounds like a guy?

“I imagined holidays where the kids come home, my spouse and I helping with grandkids, me and my spouse on vacation, our home filled with happiness.”

[Anonymous]

OP, you know-you can still have adult kids come home, go on vacations, be involved with grandkids, and have a happy home...without a spouse.

[Anonymous]

Can't relate at all. Never dated a man worth marrying. I couldn't even start dreaming of lovely life and marriage. Left two abusive relationship and love living in my apartment alone. Being on my own and not in a messed up relationship is what I have dreamed of a lot of my adult life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: OP, you know-you can still have adult kids come home, go on vacations, be involved with grandkids, and have a happy home...without a spouse.

But it is a reality that they will likely come home less often if they need to split limited leave between visiting two parents in different locations (not to mention personal vacations/visits to in-laws, etc)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: OP, you know-you can still have adult kids come home, go on vacations, be involved with grandkids, and have a happy home...without a spouse.

But it is a reality that they will likely come home less often if they need to split limited leave between visiting two parents in different locations (not to mention personal vacations/visits to in-laws, etc)

This. And the family home is more of a draw than an apartment is the likely reality.

[Anonymous]

Does your husband have a family home?

[Anonymous]

I gently suggest you work with a therapist and/or a life coach. It's been long enough since your divorce that you should be further away from the feelings you describe - feeling that would indicate you are stalled.

You have the power to create a robust, fulfilling life. Yes, you do. It may not be the life you envision years ago but that is true for more people than not. Working with a counselor or life coach can help you start on the road to realizing a new dream.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me guess: you got caught cheating or were cheating and thought you’d end up with AP or that you could do better than your husband.

OP is a man. No woman would say she feels like a "total loser". A divorced female would be on dating sites dating endlessly.

You really think this sounds like a guy?

“I imagined holidays where the kids come home, my spouse and I helping with grandkids, me and my spouse on vacation, our home filled with happiness.”

I definitely think this sounds like a guy. Women express one of two things post-divorce: anxiety over finances, or relief to be out from under the constant stress of an unhappy home (or both). Very, very few women cut and run without trying. Once we're done, we're done.

[Anonymous]

Before divorce, I imagined holidays where the kids come home, my spouse and I helping with grandkids, me and my spouse on vacation, our home filled with happiness.

The description above also sounds like something one describes when these things just magically "happen", i.e. someone else takes care of the details and work.

Sorry OP. Not trying to be a d*ck, and maybe I'm wrong.

As another PP said, you're going to have to power through. Many of us have been there. It'll get better.

[Anonymous]

Yes I have had some of these feelings post divorce. It’s very tough not having the kids on every holiday for sure. And I still sometimes feel sad that I failed at keeping their family intact. But when I do have them, I plan fun trips and get-togethers with friends and family. When I don’t have them, I focus on me. I’ve started dating, I have more time to see old friends, try new activities, etc. You have to be proactive… but it does sound like you could be little depressed. Therapy and Wellbutrin helped me for a while after divorce.