Reply to Give me ALL the talking points for talking to parents about downsizing and/or moving

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]We’re in a similar boat with my in laws OP. No luck yet, but we’ve been trying to sell them on:

Less house maintenance (I know they’re tired of constantly fixing roof leaks, replacing appliances, etc. in their generic aging 1980s McMansion that has not been updated in as many decades).

Pending health issues. MIL was recently diagnosed with a progressive disease that affects mobility. We’d rather they downsize before someone falls down the stairs.

Proximity to grandkids. How nice it would be if you could pop over for Sunday night dinner!

Walkability. We’re in a fairly dense/walkable part of NoVa. There are little cottage homes and nice condos with amenities they could buy. They could then spend their days walking to shops and Ubering to the doctors so they don’t have to worry about driving as they age.

And last (not sure they care) we remind them that someone has to downsize their house. It will either be us (we work FT and have 3 young kids) or them, the retirees. They talk about leaving us the house as if this is some huge asset, but odds are it’ll end up being liquified to help pay for eldercare. And it needs so much work it’s not going to get top dollar. We’d really rather they use up their money to have a good quality of life than let their house fall apart, risk falling, stress over maintenance, etc. in the hopes of leaving us some money (we are not hard up so the stress of their stuff isn’t worth it to us).

If anyone else finds something that works, I’ll all ears. This has been a repeat discussion for us with DH’s parents so far …[/quote]

Let old folks be. There are companies that will clear out the house, once you inherit it, you can get a contractor to spruce up the house before sale and pay out of (higher) sale proceeds. Just because you want things to be optimal for you is not a good reason to for others to bend to your will. Everyone decides based on what's valuable and important for them.[/quote]

Have you ever had to take care of an old person in a huge house? Especially when they can no longer drive?  It is a nightmare. My grandmother has a giant old house, refused to sell or downsize and now she's 91 and finally is willing to clean out the home.  She wants to give us stuff, but we all have our own homes now, which is very unfortunate.   AND she had a moth infestation in her main home so most of these gorgeous rugs she bought and stored throughout the years were destroyed along with many other things. She has cleaners who have come 2x a week for my entire life, but she still got cloth moths.

Now she is considering moving to assisted living because she is bored/ can't drive/ all her friends are dead.  It also fails on my mom to do a lot, coordinate everything, and she  still works FT.  My mom has other siblings who all live within 10 minutes of my grandmother and two are young retirees.  So please, don't put all the caregiving on one child unless they are getting $ or more of the estate out of it (my mom is not).

OP-

Talk to them about it.  Offer to help clean/ organize the house. Have them visit you and show them some nice assisted living places or ranch style homes. Take them to Bingo or events, show them things they would be interested in areas they would like. If they aren't interested, ask them what their plans are for when they do have health issues/ need to move/ etc.  Communicate what you can and cannot do.  Be clear.

Expect them not to move and come up with a plan.  You and your sister should always have some banked PTO in case of emergency and know #s of places and home health aides, etc.

I think older people just assume their kids can take care of them and drop everything and that isn't the case.  My poor mom is killing herself doing everything for my grandmother.  I go visit and let my mom have days off when I am able, but it irritates me her siblings don't do much.

If my grandmother had moved to assisted living or a RC even at 85 her life and my mom's life would have been a lot better. My grandmother has the money, she just refused to go.  We tried everything.

My husband's grandparents all lived in assisted living- one was very expensive and the other grandma's assisted living was not as fancy.  They were active, had friends, had meals, and when we visited it was fun and we could take them places and have a nice time.  No one was stressed with cleaning or giving the pills or making a meal because it was all taken care of.

Caregiving causes a lot of stress.  Thankfully, my mom said she's moving into a RC in about 10 years because of what she has seen what happened if you don't do it.  She is already purging her stuff, thank goodness and she is only 61![/quote]

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