How to talk to dc about this scenario?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you're nuts. They're 10 year old boys, and while the other kid's reaction is unfortunate, it's WAY outside of the norm. I'd feel similarly.

I’m a teacher. I never would have communicated to you that your son was in any way responsible for a panic attack. My contact would have been about the push and that we don’t do that, even in jest.

Op - this is what I said to my husband. Why tell me all this detail about the kid’s panic attack?
I myself get panic attacks in enclosed spaces so I have a huge amount of sympathy for the kid - but I don’t want ds to internalize that he is the entire cause of that

Perhaps you have not been contacted about prior incidents in which your son (and others) pushed other kids in jest. Telling a 10 year old boy not to roughhouse often falls on deaf ears, so it wouldn’t be surprising if the behavior continued. And now you are being contacting with details of the consequences because they are hoping the circumstances will shut down the behavior once and for all. And perhaps they think other kids will fall in line once they hear about this.

When my kid was in 4th grade, a boy pushed his friend while they were walking down the street. The boy had been admonished numerous times for roughhousing and he had not stopped, on this particular day, as well as all fall/winter. His friend slipped on black ice and crashed headfirst into one of those green metal mesh trash cans. Concussion. The boy was suspended and eventually switched schools.

Would he not have been suspended if there hadn’t been a concussion? Maybe not. He might have gotten another warning. But consequences make schools move faster and come down harder. Both for the victim’s family and for themselves. Also, I am not saying this is your son’s case, but it in my son’s class, it wasn’t as simple as a spur of the moment push. It was a series of bad decisions by one kid to keep pushing and ignore others’ cues until someone got hurt. And that’s why he eventually left - he couldn’t control his body and mind in a class where kids were expected to be able to walk around downtown ny and be fairly responsible.

So you have to accept that there could be more to the story or that they are making an example of your son to make a statement. Either way, no pushing!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s hard without seeing the note but I think your reaction is a little off. To be honest I have a family member who has panic attacks and they are dreadful and miserable. If one of my kids saw someone having one as a result of their actions I would think they would be so upset and WANT to help. In fact my daughter was very indirectly responsible for a series of actions that set one off once and she was devastated. I think it’s odd the teacher feels the need to emphasize the panic attack - is your child not upset about this?

Sometimes you do something and the result is way worse than you think it’s going to be. Like if he had fallen and smashed a beloved item or something. I think you can emphasize to your son you understand this was not in any way his intention without making it sound like the only issue here is with the other kid.

Also, we learn from these things. This other kid probably doesn’t want to be touched at all, ever. And your son needs to not push people ever. Those things are separate from making amends, which I would assume would mostly be apologizing and maybe doing something kind.

The kid needs to learn to tolerate being touched. And OP son doesn’t have to stop being a kid and playing normally at PE. OP’s son does need to learn to give this kid space.

What PE class do you send your kids to that allows pushing?

[Anonymous]

You need to be very upfront with your kid that he needs to be more careful with his body.

My older kid was in a similar situation -- kids were horsing around, shoving in what they thought was a playful manner. A shove went to hard and my kid fell wrong. He ended up in the ER and needed surgery. It won't be too long from now that your kid will have a bigger stronger body, and it doesn't hurt to learn that control as early as you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s hard without seeing the note but I think your reaction is a little off. To be honest I have a family member who has panic attacks and they are dreadful and miserable. If one of my kids saw someone having one as a result of their actions I would think they would be so upset and WANT to help. In fact my daughter was very indirectly responsible for a series of actions that set one off once and she was devastated. I think it’s odd the teacher feels the need to emphasize the panic attack - is your child not upset about this?

Sometimes you do something and the result is way worse than you think it’s going to be. Like if he had fallen and smashed a beloved item or something. I think you can emphasize to your son you understand this was not in any way his intention without making it sound like the only issue here is with the other kid.

Also, we learn from these things. This other kid probably doesn’t want to be touched at all, ever. And your son needs to not push people ever. Those things are separate from making amends, which I would assume would mostly be apologizing and maybe doing something kind.

The kid needs to learn to tolerate being touched. And OP son doesn’t have to stop being a kid and playing normally at PE. OP’s son does need to learn to give this kid space.

No he doesn’t? There’s no requirement in life to “tolerate” being pushed. How often do people push you, day to day?

It sounds like normal rough & tumble. Yes OP’s child should be careful going forward, but a “panic attack” in reaction to a push is too much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s hard without seeing the note but I think your reaction is a little off. To be honest I have a family member who has panic attacks and they are dreadful and miserable. If one of my kids saw someone having one as a result of their actions I would think they would be so upset and WANT to help. In fact my daughter was very indirectly responsible for a series of actions that set one off once and she was devastated. I think it’s odd the teacher feels the need to emphasize the panic attack - is your child not upset about this?

Sometimes you do something and the result is way worse than you think it’s going to be. Like if he had fallen and smashed a beloved item or something. I think you can emphasize to your son you understand this was not in any way his intention without making it sound like the only issue here is with the other kid.

Also, we learn from these things. This other kid probably doesn’t want to be touched at all, ever. And your son needs to not push people ever. Those things are separate from making amends, which I would assume would mostly be apologizing and maybe doing something kind.

The kid needs to learn to tolerate being touched. And OP son doesn’t have to stop being a kid and playing normally at PE. OP’s son does need to learn to give this kid space.

What PE class do you send your kids to that allows pushing?

they don’t allow it, but it happens. the reaction was clearly disproportionate. the school’s reaction (disclosing the child’s anxiety issues) suggests they are pretty clueless in how to address the situation.

[Anonymous]

OP- your kid isn’t the victim. He needs to learn to keep his hands to himself. If he hadn’t pushed then there wouldn’t have been a panic attack. It’s his fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s hard without seeing the note but I think your reaction is a little off. To be honest I have a family member who has panic attacks and they are dreadful and miserable. If one of my kids saw someone having one as a result of their actions I would think they would be so upset and WANT to help. In fact my daughter was very indirectly responsible for a series of actions that set one off once and she was devastated. I think it’s odd the teacher feels the need to emphasize the panic attack - is your child not upset about this?

Sometimes you do something and the result is way worse than you think it’s going to be. Like if he had fallen and smashed a beloved item or something. I think you can emphasize to your son you understand this was not in any way his intention without making it sound like the only issue here is with the other kid.

Also, we learn from these things. This other kid probably doesn’t want to be touched at all, ever. And your son needs to not push people ever. Those things are separate from making amends, which I would assume would mostly be apologizing and maybe doing something kind.

The kid needs to learn to tolerate being touched. And OP son doesn’t have to stop being a kid and playing normally at PE. OP’s son does need to learn to give this kid space.

No he doesn’t? There’s no requirement in life to “tolerate” being pushed. How often do people push you, day to day?

It sounds like normal rough & tumble. Yes OP’s child should be careful going forward, but a “panic attack” in reaction to a push is too much.

It sounds like OPs kid didn’t follow the rules and then his mother and others here are blaming others for his being held accountable. Sounds like way too much #BoyMom parenting at work.

Follow the rules or deal with the consequences of your actions. Those are really the only choices available, though victim blaming is obviously still very popular.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s hard without seeing the note but I think your reaction is a little off. To be honest I have a family member who has panic attacks and they are dreadful and miserable. If one of my kids saw someone having one as a result of their actions I would think they would be so upset and WANT to help. In fact my daughter was very indirectly responsible for a series of actions that set one off once and she was devastated. I think it’s odd the teacher feels the need to emphasize the panic attack - is your child not upset about this?

Sometimes you do something and the result is way worse than you think it’s going to be. Like if he had fallen and smashed a beloved item or something. I think you can emphasize to your son you understand this was not in any way his intention without making it sound like the only issue here is with the other kid.

Also, we learn from these things. This other kid probably doesn’t want to be touched at all, ever. And your son needs to not push people ever. Those things are separate from making amends, which I would assume would mostly be apologizing and maybe doing something kind.

The kid needs to learn to tolerate being touched. And OP son doesn’t have to stop being a kid and playing normally at PE. OP’s son does need to learn to give this kid space.

No he doesn’t? There’s no requirement in life to “tolerate” being pushed. How often do people push you, day to day?

It sounds like normal rough & tumble. Yes OP’s child should be careful going forward, but a “panic attack” in reaction to a push is too much.

It sounds like OPs kid didn’t follow the rules and then his mother and others here are blaming others for his being held accountable. Sounds like way too much #BoyMom parenting at work.

Follow the rules or deal with the consequences of your actions. Those are really the only choices available, though victim blaming is obviously still very popular.

Jfc someone needs to up their Zoloft rx

You can be accountable without being responsible for everyone’s reaction. I think that’s op’s point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s hard without seeing the note but I think your reaction is a little off. To be honest I have a family member who has panic attacks and they are dreadful and miserable. If one of my kids saw someone having one as a result of their actions I would think they would be so upset and WANT to help. In fact my daughter was very indirectly responsible for a series of actions that set one off once and she was devastated. I think it’s odd the teacher feels the need to emphasize the panic attack - is your child not upset about this?

Sometimes you do something and the result is way worse than you think it’s going to be. Like if he had fallen and smashed a beloved item or something. I think you can emphasize to your son you understand this was not in any way his intention without making it sound like the only issue here is with the other kid.

Also, we learn from these things. This other kid probably doesn’t want to be touched at all, ever. And your son needs to not push people ever. Those things are separate from making amends, which I would assume would mostly be apologizing and maybe doing something kind.

The kid needs to learn to tolerate being touched. And OP son doesn’t have to stop being a kid and playing normally at PE. OP’s son does need to learn to give this kid space.

No he doesn’t? There’s no requirement in life to “tolerate” being pushed. How often do people push you, day to day?

It sounds like normal rough & tumble. Yes OP’s child should be careful going forward, but a “panic attack” in reaction to a push is too much.

It sounds like OPs kid didn’t follow the rules and then his mother and others here are blaming others for his being held accountable. Sounds like way too much #BoyMom parenting at work.

Follow the rules or deal with the consequences of your actions. Those are really the only choices available, though victim blaming is obviously still very popular.

Jfc someone needs to up their Zoloft rx

You can be accountable without being responsible for everyone’s reaction. I think that’s op’s point.

People are going to react in a whole host of ways to inappropriate behavior. If you don’t want to experience a reaction that doesn’t let you off the hook, behave appropriately. That means by the age of ten keep your hands to yourself.

I wonder how many of you would defend this if the person who has a panic attack is a ten year old girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s hard without seeing the note but I think your reaction is a little off. To be honest I have a family member who has panic attacks and they are dreadful and miserable. If one of my kids saw someone having one as a result of their actions I would think they would be so upset and WANT to help. In fact my daughter was very indirectly responsible for a series of actions that set one off once and she was devastated. I think it’s odd the teacher feels the need to emphasize the panic attack - is your child not upset about this?

Sometimes you do something and the result is way worse than you think it’s going to be. Like if he had fallen and smashed a beloved item or something. I think you can emphasize to your son you understand this was not in any way his intention without making it sound like the only issue here is with the other kid.

Also, we learn from these things. This other kid probably doesn’t want to be touched at all, ever. And your son needs to not push people ever. Those things are separate from making amends, which I would assume would mostly be apologizing and maybe doing something kind.

I was going to make the same point. It’s hard for us to tell without actually reading the note.. but from what OP said I feel like the teacher was more trying to explain the reason why a push in PE class is being treated more seriously than it otherwise would have. And to try and help OP’s son understand why the kid reacted so extremely. If he doesn’t understand panic attacks he might just think the other kid is just a crybaby or over reacting.

Seems more like the teacher is just trying to give both you and your son context, not trying to make him feel responsible for the other kid’s anxiety disorder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you're nuts. They're 10 year old boys, and while the other kid's reaction is unfortunate, it's WAY outside of the norm. I'd feel similarly.

It’s outside the norm doesn’t mean that a small percentage of children suffer from anxiety which might be followed by outright panic and hyperventilating.

It’s important for kids to understand what can potentially happen if you make stupid decisions. The opposite scenario might happen next which would be the kid goes into a rage and knocks the kids teeth out.

I would bet this kid he pushed was a quiet meek kid. Those are the ones bullies target.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you're nuts. They're 10 year old boys, and while the other kid's reaction is unfortunate, it's WAY outside of the norm. I'd feel similarly.

I’m a teacher. I never would have communicated to you that your son was in any way responsible for a panic attack. My contact would have been about the push and that we don’t do that, even in jest.

As a teacher you must be aware that when kids are caught they claim to just be kidding around. Take it seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you're nuts. They're 10 year old boys, and while the other kid's reaction is unfortunate, it's WAY outside of the norm. I'd feel similarly.

I’m a teacher. I never would have communicated to you that your son was in any way responsible for a panic attack. My contact would have been about the push and that we don’t do that, even in jest.

Op - this is what I said to my husband. Why tell me all this detail about the kid’s panic attack?
I myself get panic attacks in enclosed spaces so I have a huge amount of sympathy for the kid - but I don’t want ds to internalize that he is the entire cause of that

Maybe the teacher wanted to give you full context to talk to your kid as they were a witness to the panic attack. I doubt the teacher wants you to pour guilt on to your kid about it, but it is easier for you to talk to your kid with a better understanding of what actually happened. That's how I would have interpreted it, anyway.

Op - maybe - I did try to read it with that lens. But then there was a whole para about finding ways for dc to make amends which didn’t quite fit with that interpretation

My son is at a very progressive school and they would focus on amends, too. That’s because the amends are for the impact, not the intent. The intent was playful! That’s great. But the kid had a panic attack. Your son can make amends without it being about being bad or blaming. Think of it as repair instead - how can your son help the two be friends and feel better again? That’s all it means.

op - i think amends is fine!
but the level of focus on how it affected the other kid just feels 'off' to me. I think a better articulation of it is that it feels to me like the kid's panic attack has 80% roots in something outside of that interaction, and while I absolutely want my DC to be accountable for being physical in a way that was not appropriate, I don't want him to internalize shame about the magnitude of the kid's reaction to it.

You seem very focused on protecting your child’s feelings. White boy fragility. He is 10 not 2. He is old enough to understand what he did was wrong. They are not asking you to put him in a dungeon for a year, merely talk to him. And it sounds like this is a frequent occurrence.

+1

[Anonymous]

OP - your son sounds like a bully.

[Anonymous]

Mental health professional here-I think this is weird too, op. As you’ve said, pushing isn’t okay, making amends is great. However, imparting the idea that your son is responsible for the other child’s “panic attack” (those aren’t snarky quotes, just not sure it was an actual panic attack vs other upset) is not appropriate for your son and not at all helpful for the other child