How to talk to dc about this scenario?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mental health professional here-I think this is weird too, op. As you’ve said, pushing isn’t okay, making amends is great. However, imparting the idea that your son is responsible for the other child’s “panic attack” (those aren’t snarky quotes, just not sure it was an actual panic attack vs other upset) is not appropriate for your son and not at all helpful for the other child

op - THANK YOU. This perfectly articulates my concerns.

And to other posters; if ds is a bully, believe me, we would have heard. The school emails about every minor interaction that occurs with students. It's a manhattan private. Bullies are not flying under the radar.

The upshot was a good conversation between ds and the kid. ds of his own accord made the point to me on our way to school that taking responsibility is almost never a negative. They had a good conversation and ds apologized. And then after school we talked more about panic attacks and anxiety and how you can support a friend who is having a hard time. And how school is where you make mistakes (and learn that you can't push people). def a lot of tears at bedtime though, i think the complexity of social interactions at this age etc.

i will say i disagree with people who say kids learn through shame. I see the idea - but shame makes people shut down. I think you have to kind of trust that they're good enough humans that they dont need shame as an incentive and in fact, that's what leads to poor self image, anxiety and depression. plus they feel it enough without you adding on!

[Anonymous]

I think the unintended consequences person's language was perfect but I also think it was so inappropriate of the teacher to share another child's medical information with you!