How to talk to dc about this scenario?

[Anonymous]

Got a note from dc’s teacher that ds (10) during a PE game, pushed a kid out of his way in a way that ds thought was playful and the other kid did not. The note from the teacher detailed that the kid went on to have a pretty severe panic attack/ hyperventilated etc/ had to leave the class and they would be looking for ways for dc to make amends and for us to talk to dc about the panic attack the other kid had and the gravity of situation. I said of course and let’s maybe chat quickly if teacher has time.

In the past if I have ever had notes about my kids behavior I’ve always been so so contrite and on board with fixing and I absolutely think that pushing is unacceptable and dc should make amends for this.

I am a little concerned though this time with dc feeling completely responsible for another child’s quite extreme reaction to this event. It’s 100000% my dc’s accountability that he pushed someone and even if he thought funny, it was NOT funny or appropriate for that person and never ok to push. But something about giving him the entire burden of responsibility for the kid’s reaction worries me for reasons I can’t articulate. Am I just nuts? It kind of doesn’t matter either way bc I will do the same thing but curious if my feeling has any merit bc I don’t want to be TA

[Anonymous]

I don't think you're nuts. They're 10 year old boys, and while the other kid's reaction is unfortunate, it's WAY outside of the norm. I'd feel similarly.

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately this is the moment you have to teach your kids about unintended consequences and how we can’t always know the full impact of our actions. I would probably say something like:

(Child’s name) had a panic attack— and anxiety isn’t something we can always see. A different child who, had for example a knee brace on under his gym clothes, might have suffered a severe injury from being pushed. A child with a clotting disorder might have had to go to the hospital. All of those would be way, way more consequences than you would have ever imagined and certainly ever intended— but all are possible. It’s one of the reasons we have to follow the rules, because the rules keep everyone safe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately this is the moment you have to teach your kids about unintended consequences and how we can’t always know the full impact of our actions. I would probably say something like:

(Child’s name) had a panic attack— and anxiety isn’t something we can always see. A different child who, had for example a knee brace on under his gym clothes, might have suffered a severe injury from being pushed. A child with a clotting disorder might have had to go to the hospital. All of those would be way, way more consequences than you would have ever imagined and certainly ever intended— but all are possible. It’s one of the reasons we have to follow the rules, because the rules keep everyone safe.

Op - love this ty

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Got a note from dc’s teacher that ds (10) during a PE game, pushed a kid out of his way in a way that ds thought was playful and the other kid did not. The note from the teacher detailed that the kid went on to have a pretty severe panic attack/ hyperventilated etc/ had to leave the class and they would be looking for ways for dc to make amends and for us to talk to dc about the panic attack the other kid had and the gravity of situation. I said of course and let’s maybe chat quickly if teacher has time.

In the past if I have ever had notes about my kids behavior I’ve always been so so contrite and on board with fixing and I absolutely think that pushing is unacceptable and dc should make amends for this.

I am a little concerned though this time with dc feeling completely responsible for another child’s quite extreme reaction to this event. It’s 100000% my dc’s accountability that he pushed someone and even if he thought funny, it was NOT funny or appropriate for that person and never ok to push. But something about giving him the entire burden of responsibility for the kid’s reaction worries me for reasons I can’t articulate. Am I just nuts? It kind of doesn’t matter either way bc I will do the same thing but curious if my feeling has any merit bc I don’t want to be TA

I want this to sound constructive and not snarky— is pushing/physicality something your DC is particularly struggling with? Is it possible the boy he pushed has been targeted before/being bullied?

Because it seems odd of the teacher to be quite so detailed in the note unless he/she thought this wasn’t being taken seriously or there was a larger problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Got a note from dc’s teacher that ds (10) during a PE game, pushed a kid out of his way in a way that ds thought was playful and the other kid did not. The note from the teacher detailed that the kid went on to have a pretty severe panic attack/ hyperventilated etc/ had to leave the class and they would be looking for ways for dc to make amends and for us to talk to dc about the panic attack the other kid had and the gravity of situation. I said of course and let’s maybe chat quickly if teacher has time.

In the past if I have ever had notes about my kids behavior I’ve always been so so contrite and on board with fixing and I absolutely think that pushing is unacceptable and dc should make amends for this.

I am a little concerned though this time with dc feeling completely responsible for another child’s quite extreme reaction to this event. It’s 100000% my dc’s accountability that he pushed someone and even if he thought funny, it was NOT funny or appropriate for that person and never ok to push. But something about giving him the entire burden of responsibility for the kid’s reaction worries me for reasons I can’t articulate. Am I just nuts? It kind of doesn’t matter either way bc I will do the same thing but curious if my feeling has any merit bc I don’t want to be TA

I want this to sound constructive and not snarky— is pushing/physicality something your DC is particularly struggling with? Is it possible the boy he pushed has been targeted before/being bullied?

Because it seems odd of the teacher to be quite so detailed in the note unless he/she thought this wasn’t being taken seriously or there was a larger problem.

Op - no, not really.
Def not a bullying situation. They would absolutely say.
It’s a progressive private so they are quite over communicative which I appreciate overall.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you're nuts. They're 10 year old boys, and while the other kid's reaction is unfortunate, it's WAY outside of the norm. I'd feel similarly.

I’m a teacher. I never would have communicated to you that your son was in any way responsible for a panic attack. My contact would have been about the push and that we don’t do that, even in jest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you're nuts. They're 10 year old boys, and while the other kid's reaction is unfortunate, it's WAY outside of the norm. I'd feel similarly.

I’m a teacher. I never would have communicated to you that your son was in any way responsible for a panic attack. My contact would have been about the push and that we don’t do that, even in jest.

Op - this is what I said to my husband. Why tell me all this detail about the kid’s panic attack?
I myself get panic attacks in enclosed spaces so I have a huge amount of sympathy for the kid - but I don’t want ds to internalize that he is the entire cause of that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Got a note from dc’s teacher that ds (10) during a PE game, pushed a kid out of his way in a way that ds thought was playful and the other kid did not. The note from the teacher detailed that the kid went on to have a pretty severe panic attack/ hyperventilated etc/ had to leave the class and they would be looking for ways for dc to make amends and for us to talk to dc about the panic attack the other kid had and the gravity of situation. I said of course and let’s maybe chat quickly if teacher has time.

In the past if I have ever had notes about my kids behavior I’ve always been so so contrite and on board with fixing and I absolutely think that pushing is unacceptable and dc should make amends for this.

I am a little concerned though this time with dc feeling completely responsible for another child’s quite extreme reaction to this event. It’s 100000% my dc’s accountability that he pushed someone and even if he thought funny, it was NOT funny or appropriate for that person and never ok to push. But something about giving him the entire burden of responsibility for the kid’s reaction worries me for reasons I can’t articulate. Am I just nuts? It kind of doesn’t matter either way bc I will do the same thing but curious if my feeling has any merit bc I don’t want to be TA

I want this to sound constructive and not snarky— is pushing/physicality something your DC is particularly struggling with? Is it possible the boy he pushed has been targeted before/being bullied?

Because it seems odd of the teacher to be quite so detailed in the note unless he/she thought this wasn’t being taken seriously or there was a larger problem.

Op - no, not really.
Def not a bullying situation. They would absolutely say.
It’s a progressive private so they are quite over communicative which I appreciate overall.

Ok then I stick with my prior advice (I’m the “unintended consequences” poster)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you're nuts. They're 10 year old boys, and while the other kid's reaction is unfortunate, it's WAY outside of the norm. I'd feel similarly.

I’m a teacher. I never would have communicated to you that your son was in any way responsible for a panic attack. My contact would have been about the push and that we don’t do that, even in jest.

Op - this is what I said to my husband. Why tell me all this detail about the kid’s panic attack?
I myself get panic attacks in enclosed spaces so I have a huge amount of sympathy for the kid - but I don’t want ds to internalize that he is the entire cause of that

Maybe the teacher wanted to give you full context to talk to your kid as they were a witness to the panic attack. I doubt the teacher wants you to pour guilt on to your kid about it, but it is easier for you to talk to your kid with a better understanding of what actually happened. That's how I would have interpreted it, anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you're nuts. They're 10 year old boys, and while the other kid's reaction is unfortunate, it's WAY outside of the norm. I'd feel similarly.

I’m a teacher. I never would have communicated to you that your son was in any way responsible for a panic attack. My contact would have been about the push and that we don’t do that, even in jest.

Op - this is what I said to my husband. Why tell me all this detail about the kid’s panic attack?
I myself get panic attacks in enclosed spaces so I have a huge amount of sympathy for the kid - but I don’t want ds to internalize that he is the entire cause of that

Maybe the teacher wanted to give you full context to talk to your kid as they were a witness to the panic attack. I doubt the teacher wants you to pour guilt on to your kid about it, but it is easier for you to talk to your kid with a better understanding of what actually happened. That's how I would have interpreted it, anyway.

Op - maybe - I did try to read it with that lens. But then there was a whole para about finding ways for dc to make amends which didn’t quite fit with that interpretation

[Anonymous]

OP, your DC is 10. He's old enough to know better, to have a good idea of which of his friends might find a push playful - but not at school - and which classmate would not find it playful. Since he messed up and pushed the wrong classmate, he got in big trouble for it.

You're defensive because your Dad did the wrong thing to the wrong kid. At a public school, you wouldn't have hearf about this. But you should have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you're nuts. They're 10 year old boys, and while the other kid's reaction is unfortunate, it's WAY outside of the norm. I'd feel similarly.

I’m a teacher. I never would have communicated to you that your son was in any way responsible for a panic attack. My contact would have been about the push and that we don’t do that, even in jest.

Op - this is what I said to my husband. Why tell me all this detail about the kid’s panic attack?
I myself get panic attacks in enclosed spaces so I have a huge amount of sympathy for the kid - but I don’t want ds to internalize that he is the entire cause of that

Maybe the teacher wanted to give you full context to talk to your kid as they were a witness to the panic attack. I doubt the teacher wants you to pour guilt on to your kid about it, but it is easier for you to talk to your kid with a better understanding of what actually happened. That's how I would have interpreted it, anyway.

Op - maybe - I did try to read it with that lens. But then there was a whole para about finding ways for dc to make amends which didn’t quite fit with that interpretation

My son is at a very progressive school and they would focus on amends, too. That’s because the amends are for the impact, not the intent. The intent was playful! That’s great. But the kid had a panic attack. Your son can make amends without it being about being bad or blaming. Think of it as repair instead - how can your son help the two be friends and feel better again? That’s all it means.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you're nuts. They're 10 year old boys, and while the other kid's reaction is unfortunate, it's WAY outside of the norm. I'd feel similarly.

I’m a teacher. I never would have communicated to you that your son was in any way responsible for a panic attack. My contact would have been about the push and that we don’t do that, even in jest.

Op - this is what I said to my husband. Why tell me all this detail about the kid’s panic attack?
I myself get panic attacks in enclosed spaces so I have a huge amount of sympathy for the kid - but I don’t want ds to internalize that he is the entire cause of that

Maybe the teacher wanted to give you full context to talk to your kid as they were a witness to the panic attack. I doubt the teacher wants you to pour guilt on to your kid about it, but it is easier for you to talk to your kid with a better understanding of what actually happened. That's how I would have interpreted it, anyway.

Op - maybe - I did try to read it with that lens. But then there was a whole para about finding ways for dc to make amends which didn’t quite fit with that interpretation

My son is at a very progressive school and they would focus on amends, too. That’s because the amends are for the impact, not the intent. The intent was playful! That’s great. But the kid had a panic attack. Your son can make amends without it being about being bad or blaming. Think of it as repair instead - how can your son help the two be friends and feel better again? That’s all it means.

op - i think amends is fine!
but the level of focus on how it affected the other kid just feels 'off' to me. I think a better articulation of it is that it feels to me like the kid's panic attack has 80% roots in something outside of that interaction, and while I absolutely want my DC to be accountable for being physical in a way that was not appropriate, I don't want him to internalize shame about the magnitude of the kid's reaction to it.

[Anonymous]

No, I don’t think you’re nuts. But I think it’s important to talk to your DS about how this kid may have some challenges that he should be kind and caring about. It’s a good time for a lesson about how sometimes we can inadvertently hurt others even if not intended. But I would reinforce that you know he didn’t do anything that bad on purpose.