DC’s friend broke something expensive - WWYD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think having more context matters. Since you are no longer in DC, I don’t see the harm in revealing the object.

I did on p1 just not in the initial post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If they’re good friends I would just eat it. But it’s up to you.

This. If you actually bill them the cost of the equipment, I would expect that to be the end of the friendship. Up to you which is worth more without knowing if these are good friends who live a few doors down or casual acquaintances you see once a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t demand money. When you have guests around there is always the possibility that things get broken. You should just be gracious about it and chalk it up to bad luck.

+1

I wouldn’t have said anything, TBH. Pretty awkward, and can never really be entirely sure what happened. Are you certain your own kids did not play a role- and where were they when this happened? We don’t keep anything expensive out for this reason, but I understand with apartment living this is harder to avoid.

That said, if someone claimed my kid broke something I’d just pay in full regardless. That said, it may damage the friendship if I felt friend was being difficult or blaming my kid for something he did not do.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I'm on the fence. On the one hand, I would be tempted to go with Lesson Learned.
On the other, I think kid shouldn't get away with playing with it, though did he know he shouldn't.

If i could afford it I would either take what is offered or not have said anything.

I did ask. While this is awkward, I’m not unhappy I did that - I was gracious and I care about my husband. I really don’t see how this one is lesson learned, I guess because DH has been pretty clear that the force taken to create the damage done was purposeful, and the kids aren’t super little anymore, and the parent was present.

Did you tell them you expected reimbursement? You must do that otherwise you leave a grey area. If your husband believes it was done maliciously then demand payment. If they refuse, and you’re as rich as you say, sue them.

Yes. We discussed repair and replacement and that’s when she went to her husband who gave her the lower estimate. I’m not accusing anyone of malice and we’d obviously never sue, but I just wanted to get some feedback because I feel awkward. We’d tabled this over the holidays and DH told me the ultimate replacement cost today.

Sorry OP, I think you're way out of line. If your DH has valuable equipment, it should not be accessible to visitors, especially kid visitors. Never in a million years would I expect guests to pay for something like this.

I am in no way out of line - we all live in smallish apartments, not in DC - I used to live in DC. There is no practical way to make this equipment inaccessible based on the layout of our home. They’ve been over before when the kids were years and years younger. The equipment was under a cover. My friend was in the room, and I was getting stuff to eat for people. No matter what some will tell me, I didn’t do anything wrong here.

Yeah, OP. You need to make it really clear to your kids and to their friends that this is a very expensive and fragile piece of equipment and they are NEVER to touch it.

I will going forward but to be clear, they’ve been over often before, the equipment was always where it was, was always covered, we also made clear when they were younger not to touch, and DH said something was ripped apart - something not innately super-duper-don’t-breathe-by-it delicate. I did not think I’d have to give a renewed warning on a random day years later. This thread is so frustrating. We aren’t grasping nor unreasonable.

So stop coming back or ask Jeff to take it down. He will, you know.

Great friends are worth more than any turntable and 10 is still young and curious. If a child doesn’t have a turntable at home or something as sophisticated as your DH has, they have no idea it’s a do not touch thing. A clear “Do NOT touch the stereo equipment .”, while specifically pointing at every item is what should have been done. So he wasn’t curious before- well, he was this time.
This will make things awkward with your friends.

I’m fine, and what’s the issue with my saying the thread is frustrating? Your advice about what should have been done is such a stretch when you’ve been around those same kids on the same terms when they were smaller and the parent is there. You’re reaching but you know that.

lol- I am not reaching at all. It’s easier to look at this situation from the outside and no emotion involved. I’m sure it is stressful to be in this with a very angry husband.
You can’t rely on a child’s behavior never changing, OP. You know that now.
Many years experience with my children and their friends. Things have been broken over the years. You learn from experience. That’s life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t demand money. When you have guests around there is always the possibility that things get broken. You should just be gracious about it and chalk it up to bad luck.

+1

I wouldn’t have said anything, TBH. Pretty awkward, and can never really be entirely sure what happened. Are you certain your own kids did not play a role- and where were they when this happened? We don’t keep anything expensive out for this reason, but I understand with apartment living this is harder to avoid.

That said, if someone claimed my kid broke something I’d just pay in full regardless. That said, it may damage the friendship if I felt friend was being difficult or blaming my kid for something he did not do.

But they did do it - DC and I never touch it, the other guests did not, the child said they did it. No one else played a role, and all of these people have been over so many times over the year. The child said they touched it to their mom when asked and had to have opened the cover to do it. She told me he said he touched it.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I'm on the fence. On the one hand, I would be tempted to go with Lesson Learned.
On the other, I think kid shouldn't get away with playing with it, though did he know he shouldn't.

If i could afford it I would either take what is offered or not have said anything.

I did ask. While this is awkward, I’m not unhappy I did that - I was gracious and I care about my husband. I really don’t see how this one is lesson learned, I guess because DH has been pretty clear that the force taken to create the damage done was purposeful, and the kids aren’t super little anymore, and the parent was present.

Did you tell them you expected reimbursement? You must do that otherwise you leave a grey area. If your husband believes it was done maliciously then demand payment. If they refuse, and you’re as rich as you say, sue them.

Yes. We discussed repair and replacement and that’s when she went to her husband who gave her the lower estimate. I’m not accusing anyone of malice and we’d obviously never sue, but I just wanted to get some feedback because I feel awkward. We’d tabled this over the holidays and DH told me the ultimate replacement cost today.

Sorry OP, I think you're way out of line. If your DH has valuable equipment, it should not be accessible to visitors, especially kid visitors. Never in a million years would I expect guests to pay for something like this.

I am in no way out of line - we all live in smallish apartments, not in DC - I used to live in DC. There is no practical way to make this equipment inaccessible based on the layout of our home. They’ve been over before when the kids were years and years younger. The equipment was under a cover. My friend was in the room, and I was getting stuff to eat for people. No matter what some will tell me, I didn’t do anything wrong here.

Yeah, OP. You need to make it really clear to your kids and to their friends that this is a very expensive and fragile piece of equipment and they are NEVER to touch it.

I will going forward but to be clear, they’ve been over often before, the equipment was always where it was, was always covered, we also made clear when they were younger not to touch, and DH said something was ripped apart - something not innately super-duper-don’t-breathe-by-it delicate. I did not think I’d have to give a renewed warning on a random day years later. This thread is so frustrating. We aren’t grasping nor unreasonable.

So stop coming back or ask Jeff to take it down. He will, you know.

Great friends are worth more than any turntable and 10 is still young and curious. If a child doesn’t have a turntable at home or something as sophisticated as your DH has, they have no idea it’s a do not touch thing. A clear “Do NOT touch the stereo equipment .”, while specifically pointing at every item is what should have been done. So he wasn’t curious before- well, he was this time.
This will make things awkward with your friends.

I’m fine, and what’s the issue with my saying the thread is frustrating? Your advice about what should have been done is such a stretch when you’ve been around those same kids on the same terms when they were smaller and the parent is there. You’re reaching but you know that.

lol- I am not reaching at all. It’s easier to look at this situation from the outside and no emotion involved. I’m sure it is stressful to be in this with a very angry husband.
You can’t rely on a child’s behavior never changing, OP. You know that now.
Many years experience with my children and their friends. Things have been broken over the years. You learn from experience. That’s life.

He’s not an angry person, good grief. He’s mad this happened, and that the parents deflected with nonsense about their kid, who said they touched it, also said they didn’t think they damaged it. Come on.

[Anonymous]

NP. The fact that the mom was there and didn’t notice a kid in a small room messing with something that is obviously not for kids to play with really bothers me. We have a few friends like this and I noticed that if we were socializing “as families” they took it to mean that someone else would parent their kids while they chatted or drank. It was as if being in someone else’s home took them off-duty.

We have a mountain house where we host large groups and a few not-precious things have been broken intentionally by children in front of their parents. And in all the cases but one, the parents just put the broken thing aside and kept chatting like nothing had happened. Spending time with those parents at their homes made it clear that they just let kids break stuff and treat things as replaceable and disposable.

That’s a really different mindset than I come from and I realized that it was because our backgrounds and values were too different to feel comfortable in a friendship. I was happy when Covid helped our friendship wind down.

Related to OP’s situation: I have a vintage, collectible but not crazy expensive stereo setup in our city apartment. Kids are drawn to it so I’m really strict and I usually rearrange furniture when we host so it’s hard to access. The only child who touches it other than my own is my child’s friend’s older sister. She has been interested in it since she was very small and is patient and a great listener, so when we’ve had a small group over I’ve taught her how to turn it on properly and how her play records.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I'm on the fence. On the one hand, I would be tempted to go with Lesson Learned.
On the other, I think kid shouldn't get away with playing with it, though did he know he shouldn't.

If i could afford it I would either take what is offered or not have said anything.

I did ask. While this is awkward, I’m not unhappy I did that - I was gracious and I care about my husband. I really don’t see how this one is lesson learned, I guess because DH has been pretty clear that the force taken to create the damage done was purposeful, and the kids aren’t super little anymore, and the parent was present.

Did you tell them you expected reimbursement? You must do that otherwise you leave a grey area. If your husband believes it was done maliciously then demand payment. If they refuse, and you’re as rich as you say, sue them.

Yes. We discussed repair and replacement and that’s when she went to her husband who gave her the lower estimate. I’m not accusing anyone of malice and we’d obviously never sue, but I just wanted to get some feedback because I feel awkward. We’d tabled this over the holidays and DH told me the ultimate replacement cost today.

Sorry OP, I think you're way out of line. If your DH has valuable equipment, it should not be accessible to visitors, especially kid visitors. Never in a million years would I expect guests to pay for something like this.

I am in no way out of line - we all live in smallish apartments, not in DC - I used to live in DC. There is no practical way to make this equipment inaccessible based on the layout of our home. They’ve been over before when the kids were years and years younger. The equipment was under a cover. My friend was in the room, and I was getting stuff to eat for people. No matter what some will tell me, I didn’t do anything wrong here.

Yeah, OP. You need to make it really clear to your kids and to their friends that this is a very expensive and fragile piece of equipment and they are NEVER to touch it.

I will going forward but to be clear, they’ve been over often before, the equipment was always where it was, was always covered, we also made clear when they were younger not to touch, and DH said something was ripped apart - something not innately super-duper-don’t-breathe-by-it delicate. I did not think I’d have to give a renewed warning on a random day years later. This thread is so frustrating. We aren’t grasping nor unreasonable.

So stop coming back or ask Jeff to take it down. He will, you know.

Great friends are worth more than any turntable and 10 is still young and curious. If a child doesn’t have a turntable at home or something as sophisticated as your DH has, they have no idea it’s a do not touch thing. A clear “Do NOT touch the stereo equipment .”, while specifically pointing at every item is what should have been done. So he wasn’t curious before- well, he was this time.
This will make things awkward with your friends.

I’m fine, and what’s the issue with my saying the thread is frustrating? Your advice about what should have been done is such a stretch when you’ve been around those same kids on the same terms when they were smaller and the parent is there. You’re reaching but you know that.

lol- I am not reaching at all. It’s easier to look at this situation from the outside and no emotion involved. I’m sure it is stressful to be in this with a very angry husband.
You can’t rely on a child’s behavior never changing, OP. You know that now.
Many years experience with my children and their friends. Things have been broken over the years. You learn from experience. That’s life.

+1

When my DS was about 11, he had a new friend over and the kid broke a door. Literally karate kicked a bedroom door, cracked it and even damaged the hinges/frame alignment somehow. Younger DD saw what happened. My DH was furious at the time. Cost a lot of $ and labor to fix. DH was madder at our DS than the friend actually, and made DS spend an entire weekend helping him replace and rehang the door. Good lesson for DS- you are responsible for your friends’ behavior when they are in our home, to a reasonable extent. I didn’t say anything to the kid’s parents- can’t imagine asking someone for that much $- so awkward- and DS (wisely) chose not to have the boy over to our house ever again. This was a few years ago and we laugh about it now.

[Anonymous]

I’ve had expensive stuff damaged and have never said anything to other kids’ parents. I just tell my kids they are not allowed to invite destructive kids again. But since you already mentioned it, i guess go ahead and take what they offered. Then don’t have the child over again.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry that your husband’s stereo was damaged. I think there are two ways to think about this. The first is transactional - the 10 year old damaged the stereo and now you are seeking advice on how much the parents should pay, whether it’s replacement cost or repair cost. If I read your post correctly, they offered to pay the replacement cost but also said that the repair cost would be lower. And the low repair estimate seems to be angering your husband, so I’m guessing he would prefer replacement.

The other way to think about this is experiential. You invited guests into your home whose friendship you presumably value and would otherwise continue to flourish. The 10 year old used bad judgment and broke something of value and either did or did not realize it. My take on this situation would be that if I valued the friendship, I would refuse payment as a cost of good relations going forward. If they insisted on paying, the likely compromise would be that they would pay for half of the replacement, or the repair, whichever one made sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it’s a smallish apartment, how was the kid able to maliciously destroy it without anyone seeing or noticing?

And what was the immediate response if everyone was in the same room?

[Anonymous]

It doesn’t really matter if it was deliberate or not.
It makes sense for the parents to pay for the repair, not the replacement.

I have damaged a friend’s car before. Someone else mentioned that they spilled wine on a friend’s couch. The expectation is that you pay to have it cleaned or repaired. Not to buy a new car or a new couch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You graciously accept what they're willing to give, and pay for the rest out of pocket, because this is the cost of welcoming kids into your home. A 10 year old usually doesn't know what's expensive and what's not, especially if it's an unusual item. I do not think it's fair to demand the full cost of the item. If you have valuables in your home, it should be clearly stated multiple times that the kids shouldn't go near them (and maybe lock the door if they're in a special room).

If this kid shows a patterns of hyper behavior, you'll want to curtail home playdates with them. I had one friend of my son's nearly wrench off the banisters while trying to rappel down the staircase, and another one swung a bat and missed my chandelier by an inch. His mother was horrified. We did outside playdates with those two after that.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it’s a smallish apartment, how was the kid able to maliciously destroy it without anyone seeing or noticing?

And what was the immediate response if everyone was in the same room?

I have a hard time understanding this also. How did anyone not notice this?

[Anonymous]

All these posters are the reason that American children are so out of control right now. CONTROL your children. CONSEQUENCE for bad behaviors. Geez!!!