DH’s loud talking, interrupting, talking over everyone…at the end of my rope

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0271530921000525

"To sustain the energy of social occasions, Italians often engage in a form of casual conversation that prioritizes sociability and the production of cheerful and vociferous ‘talking together’. This form of mundane talking (chiacchierare) features much simultaneous speaking and no competition for turns at talk, hence differs significantly from common conversational practices in many Anglo-American societies, demonstrating how the rules for conversation are far from universal. Conversational techniques used to accomplish talking together are described, including vocal gestures, repetition, prosody, rhythmic speaking, crescendos, and celebrations. Alongside voicing, listening is considered, and shown to be a critical component of sociable simultaneous talk."

My family of origin does this though we are not from this culture (it is attributed to other cultures). This is real. I am ok with it. It seems fun and friendly. Other people hate these conversational behaviors and are quite judgmental about them.

The people I can talk to like this have long attention spans and are patient with people they like. So everybody eventually gets a long turn. If the thought one wanted to get out has to wait a couple minutes, it usually makes no difference to the flow of conversation or the value of the information.

[Anonymous]

Couples therapy with a professional who has experience with adults with autism.

[Anonymous]

Mania? Bipolar?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad is more or less exactly like this, and he’s now in his 70s. He does have hearing loss and did address it; however, that did not change his behavior. At this point, I chalk it up to never really learning how to socialize politely, and never being corrected early on. My parents have couple friends who tolerate him because they are my mom’s friends first. He had friends over years he only saw at work. A few other friends drifted away, and in hindsight, I bet it was because of this behavior. The wife would send a Christmas card, but that was the extent of the friendship.

And like OP’s husband, he’d never correct his behavior. My mom complained a bit but tolerated it. Now here she is 50 years later lucky to still have friends. I think she also got as stubborn as him in sone ways.

My DH also couldn’t stand dinners with them. At this point, we life a plane ride away. Surprisingly, these days, my dad is quieter, but I think it’s because he’s older, his hearing is worse, and he’s never been close with my DH and comfortable pontificating (that’s a whole other story). Perhaps it all comes down to how certain he feels the crowd he’s with will tolerate him, and agree with what he says?

Your DH doesn’t even acknowledge there is a problem. You have to accept he will continue this behavior and won’t change. Ever.

[Anonymous]

My DC with ADHD struggles mightily with the interrupting especially. And going on longer than necessary when they are on a roll.

My husband also interrupts and has increasingly gotten louder especially on the phone and finally got diagnosed with hearing loss he has probably always had to some extent but has worsened with age. I strongly suspect he also has ADHD because of similarities to our DC but he will not get evaluated. I would try hard to have him get evaluated for both.

[Anonymous]

I think you have to start leaving conversations, dinners etc for him to get it.

It’s like how you are supposed to turn around when a dog jumps on you.

Talking to him about this hasn’t changed anything and it likely won’t. You have to force his hand. Start leaving the room or even restaurant the next time he does this.

He doesn’t think it’s a problem and likely thinks you’re just annoying. So many men go along with a lot of things their wives do or say even if they disagree. It’s easier to keep the peace. He doesn’t see anything wrong with his communication style.

[Anonymous]

I think you have to gently point it out each time in the moment. He will not be happy. But with time, hopefully he will start to absorb.

My DH did this, still has the tendencies, but he is much less defensive. I can now say, I got it the first time. You're really loud. Let other people talk.

I think what made a difference was pointing out moments, after the fact, when I could show that he should have been embarrassed. He definitely doesn't want to be embarrassed.

It hasn't been easy, but other than when he does that I love him. Maybe he knows that I think he is amazing, so he is working on taking the criticism. Which reminds me that I make a point of pointing out when he is amazing. And he does the same to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad is more or less exactly like this, and he’s now in his 70s. He does have hearing loss and did address it; however, that did not change his behavior. At this point, I chalk it up to never really learning how to socialize politely, and never being corrected early on. My parents have couple friends who tolerate him because they are my mom’s friends first. He had friends over years he only saw at work. A few other friends drifted away, and in hindsight, I bet it was because of this behavior. The wife would send a Christmas card, but that was the extent of the friendship.

And like OP’s husband, he’d never correct his behavior. My mom complained a bit but tolerated it. Now here she is 50 years later lucky to still have friends. I think she also got as stubborn as him in sone ways.

My DH also couldn’t stand dinners with them. At this point, we life a plane ride away. Surprisingly, these days, my dad is quieter, but I think it’s because he’s older, his hearing is worse, and he’s never been close with my DH and comfortable pontificating (that’s a whole other story). Perhaps it all comes down to how certain he feels the crowd he’s with will tolerate him, and agree with what he says?

Your DH doesn’t even acknowledge there is a problem. You have to accept he will continue this behavior and won’t change. Ever.

My mom has accepted this for years with the words he’s a good provider. It’s all she’s known. This will now be the rest of her life.

[Anonymous]

My husband with ADHD (+ a little social anxiety) is like this. He is aware of it, though - that makes all the difference. And he tries to correct it. His close friends have called him out on this - that means 10x more than when I say it.

I can see why this would lead you to contemplate divorce. I totally understand the embarrassment and near impossibility of socialization and this is going to cause you even more isolation in time.

I definitely recommend counseling. This is something that can be managed, and you can improve your relationship. Fingers crossed that he will join you and make strides toward understanding how you feel!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

He may need to get his hearing checked.

That's not snark, it's what happens when we age.

Do you want to hear something wild?
Go to YouTube and play the sounds that your teenagers can hear, but you and your husband will be all but deaf to... it's crazy.

It’s been going on since his 20s. It’s not hearing loss.

This is very common in ADHD, and I’m not one of the DCUM posters who thinks everything is ADHD or autism.

NP

+1

My DH does this and has ADHD. This is what I/we do:

Say "you're yelling, please stop."
Stop talking mid-sentence when he interrupts and look at him.
Say, "I was in the middle of a sentence," and keep talking.

It's so rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I think he may be on the autism spectrum in terms of not knowing when to shut up, not knowing interrupting is rude, and not understanding your years-long complaints.

But also he may have hearing loss that has progressed over the course of his life and that he does not admit to himself.

You need to get a whole lot more direct and annoyed, and insist on a audiology test until he gets one.

Also record conversations and play them back so he hears how loud he is compared to others. Tell him it's embarrassing in public. Refuse to go out with him, and tell him why.

According to women here anyone with an unusual behavior must be on the spectrum lol.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6753236/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

He may need to get his hearing checked.

That's not snark, it's what happens when we age.

Do you want to hear something wild?
Go to YouTube and play the sounds that your teenagers can hear, but you and your husband will be all but deaf to... it's crazy.

It’s been going on since his 20s. It’s not hearing loss.

This is very common in ADHD, and I’m not one of the DCUM posters who thinks everything is ADHD or autism.

NP

My DH was diagnosed with ADHd and autism as an adult after all sorts of other medical testing- starting with hearing tests and ending with complete neuro work ups because at one point the doctors even suspected early dementia.

The clue for me in what OP is saying is that the DH is not loud or interrupting with people he doesn’t know well (my DH is very insecure and cautious around people he isn’t comfortable with) and is very hurt and bewildered when presented with recaps of his behavior or its impact on others. My DH’s HFA presents as pontificating or perseverating loudly with people he knows, and sometimes repeating stories or opinions and interrupting because he’s following a bit of a social script he’s written for himself to fit in. If he has any past success at all with an opinion or thought in the past, he will repeat it whenever it’s even vaguely contextual forevermore.

The interrupting/impulsivity in conversation and the hurt when faced with his own behavior is, in my DH’s case, due to ADHD. ADHD also comes with rejection sensitive dysphoria, so that makes gentle corrections major flash points in our relationship.

Good luck, OP. While ADHD medication has improved DH’s focus at work, it hasn’t helped the rest of his life. These are ingrained habits and coping mechanisms that probably could be altered with attentive help if your DH was a child, but it takes a very self-aware and motivated adult to be willing to do that work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you tried pointing the behavior out in the moment, each time? Rather than having a big conversation about it later?

Sounds massively annoying. I hope you can get through to him.

I have, many times…he humors me for awhile but then defaults to the same. If I remind too many times he will get annoyed & say something like “Larla, I’m talking at a normal volume. Seriously.” He truly does not see the issue.

that would be him gaslighting.


Is he on the autism spectrum or any of those social cues, poor communication,
Zero executive functioning skills?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I think he may be on the autism spectrum in terms of not knowing when to shut up, not knowing interrupting is rude, and not understanding your years-long complaints.

But also he may have hearing loss that has progressed over the course of his life and that he does not admit to himself.

You need to get a whole lot more direct and annoyed, and insist on a audiology test until he gets one.

Also record conversations and play them back so he hears how loud he is compared to others. Tell him it's embarrassing in public. Refuse to go out with him, and tell him why.

Riiiiight....because everything in the OP points to ASD......

~DW and mother of people with ASD.

You’re rifht. Doesn’t matter

Rude is rude.
Disrespectful is disrespectful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My lifelong best friend is married to a guy who behaves exactly like this. In addition to interrupting always with exhaustive personal anecdotes, he pontificates about stuff he knows even if he just learned it and the worst thing he does is he tells nearly the entire plots of movies or books despite the listener begging repeatedly for him to stop revealing spoilers. He’s ruined so many movies for me I refuse to talk about anything except the superhero ones because I don’t watch them anyway.

I live downstairs from them in a split level we share - so in the times when I don’t have music or videos on, I can hear the monologues almost word for word he is that loud. He talks 3-4 times louder than my friend or her daughter. Sadly in recent years as she’s getting into her teen years, the daughter has started to exhibit similar conversation habits - very loud center of attention voice and rambles on and on about the same thing despite the point having clearly been made. At Xmas this year she engaged in a couple such episodes so it was like a back and forth between her and her dad who was dominating the conversation over nearly a dozen other people.

Both of them suffer from social anxiety disorder and I suspect this is at the root. They aren’t actually comfortable in their own skins and feel a compulsion to talk to fill space and in some way control the situation. A therapist might know how to help them with skills if they admitted the issue but he’s never had any interest in that route.

I have a lot of sympathy for my friend because her life is not just a ton of servitude (she does the overwhelming load of housework and family management) but she rarely if ever gets any quiet time except if they are both out of the house. Probably not a big surprise to hear that neither of them listens very well when she has something to say.

I’d be DCUM rich if I had a dime for every time my mom ruined a movie or book. We call her “the narrator” so annoying